At the end of my rope with low sex drive husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back!

Our marriage is not perfect otherwise, but it's okay. There are aspects of it that I like and aspects of it that I don't like. This seems to be the most dealbreaker-ish part of it. By the way, I'm not perfect either. I would like to think that I am a pretty good catch, but I know there are aspects of my personality that are not ideal. For instance, I am always one of those people who is looking for the next best thing in life. Houses, jobs, whatever. This has probably led to my professional success but sometimes I need to take it down a notch too. I am a perfectionist in many ways (clean house, kids need to look nice, I need to look nice, etc) and again, while this has had positive impacts on my life, I think it bothers my husband sometimes. He would rather have a messier house and not have me running around picking up after everyone.

I say all of that to say that I understand that people have good and bad qualities and you have to live with them. No one out there is perfect. No second husband would be perfect either and I know that, believe me, I have thought about that. This just seems very depressing though. One of the male PPs hit it on the mark in one of the first pages. It is just very lonely. Not only am I not having the sex I want, it's really not just about the physical. Knowing that your spouse is basically living in a constant state of rejection towards you is just depressing.. very depressing. I feel like I can't fully enjoy the sex we have, because even though it is good sex, I sometimes think about how it won't happen again for a while or how it just feels like he's not that into me.

I look at life and it's like, sex is one of the very few things I can think about that's pure pleasure while also being free and not bad for you in any way! What is not to like, right? And it is so hard for me to understand why my own husband of all people wouldn't want to have it with me! Especially given the fact that I am physically attractive.

I have kind of given him an ultimatum, and he says he would rather divorce than be in an open marriage. He is basically saying that it is my choice, this is what it is, I can live with it or we can get a divorce.. but he is not changing. This seems so selfish to me and puts me in a terrible position. We did see a therapist about this a long time ago who mentioned, as posters here have, that one day I am going to cheat on him. Not if but when.

I do not find an AP to be that attractive of an idea. Like I said, it is less physical than emotional. I am looking for the intertwined physical emotional relationship that I do not have in my marriage, and I don't think that an AP would give me that either. I also don't even know how it would happen logistically. I don't work with men and I am not really in the position to meet men socially. Yes, guys check me out and flirt with me while I'm grocery shopping or in line at Starbucks, but there's a MAJOR gap between flirtation on a Tuesday morning and having sex with that person!

I just really want my husband to change and it's very hard for me that he does not seem to want to attempt a compromise. I will keep pushing getting tested for low T.

Have you asked your husband how often he masturbates? I'd be curious. You may be surprised by the frequency. If it's somewhat frequent then this means he's choosing his hand over you.

Something is going on with him. He either has a medical problem or he isn't physically into you, which could be for a number of reasons. My husband was similar to yours and it turns out our marriage wasn't as great as I thought. There were other problems and he wasn't happy with me and how I was treating him. It wasn't even something he fully realized at the time. You've mentioned your physical attractiveness a few times. Maybe this is because posters here would otherwise jump to the conclusion you're fat and ugly. Or maybe you're placing way too much emphasis on this and ignoring that your husband may have emotional needs that aren't being met.

You've spent a lot of time trying to get him to sleep with you. I would not turn that focus on examining what he really needs from you. Again, he is choosing not to sleep with you and it could be for a variety of reasons. Find out why. I doubt it's because he's simply not into sex.

This sounds like my husband. I was shocked to find he watches porn nearly constantly on his computer. But never touches me. I have no idea what to do about it. Also he lies and says he never watches porn which is so stupid because I have told him I really don't care about the porn and I don't. I do care about him having sex with me twice a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^now turn [/quote
What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know what to do. My husband would be very content with sex every 2, 3, maybe even 4 weeks. I would prefer to have sex maybe 4-5 times per week. I ENJOY sex. Not only do I struggle with the fact that our sex drives are so different, I struggle even more with the idea that he just doesn't want to have sex with me. How absolutely demeaning is it to fight with your spouse about having sex with you. It has destroyed any emotional component of it for me.

We should not have gotten married, it was so stupid. Now we are tied up financially and parentally with two small kids and the logistics of a divorce are so overwhelming to me.

The latest, he is telling me that I am the one with an abnormal sex drive and that I should see a doctor (in response to me kindly suggesting that he should see a doctor to have his testosterone tested).

I am attractive. I am not overweight. There is nothing wrong with my physical appearance at all whatsoever. Men hit on me constantly. I am a normal social person with friends, I am not a weirdo or anything. I also have a good job and a high income. I don't know why I am having to deal with this but it just sucks so much. Tonight I suggested an open marriage and that was unacceptable. What else can I do?

Yeah, Ironic isn't it. Women get the first laugh when they're young. Once they divorce it becomes very hard to find another man. Men OTOH have to settle for a woman in young age many times. Once the man is divorced, there is no motivation for many to remarry simply because there is a large pool of older women available. Lots of sex with strange, stay as long as the sex is good, then move on. Men get the last laugh.

For heaven's sake, you can find another husband down the road and have great sex like my friend did. However, she had bigger
problems in other areas. I see it as BOTH of your problem. Compromise say every two weeks at first, from there every weekend. If the marriage is good in the other departments you are over reacting imo. I look at my friends who are older, and there's not many good men out there past 35. Do you want to divorce and date a man with kids, a involved ex, and put your kids in a position of having steps they don't want. Having to go from home to home, possibly fighting in court like some I know due to differences in custody or child support..I know two couples who fought for 7 years over money, kids, and current bf/gf they didn't want around their kids.

I would weigh everything very carefully because I know quite a few that are more miserable in their 2nd marriages with problems they didn't foresee. Not to mention the big financial hit. As for the open marriage, I find that disgusting with kids and basically you've already hinted to your spouse you are planning to sleep around. You may not have a choice and end up divorced if he get's fed up, or you do...but again I think you need to put things in perspective.

This.
I had a friend who divorced in her late 30s; her low drive ex had no problem finding a long term girl friend pretty much right away; she has had nothing but problems, cheating high drive boyfriends, and is now doing one night stands so she won't go completely crazy. She has no problems finding someone to sleep with temporarily, huge problems finding a compatible boyfriend / husband. In her case, the high drive guys she finds typically cheat on her.

[Anonymous]

WHY can't you people read.
He had Low Libido prior to marriage. Her perfectionist etc traits have nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

I think I am on the upper end of the "enjoys sex" distribution. All of my long terms partners also enjoyed sex a lot. We had great sex, but after a while, our relationships would deteriorate for other reasons...and yes our sex lives dwindled as a result. Having sex on the side with other men never did the trick of satisfying me, emotionally. Instead, it always turned into a way of breaking free from them, in the end.

I am now married to a man who hasn't given me any reason to stray, emotionally or sexually, for a long time.

Read into this what you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I speak as someone in a sexless marriage and not leaving it either. No, it is b.s. to say you will eventually cheat. What kind of crackpot therapist says that? Since I may be only one on here in a functional sexless marriage, feel free to ask questions. But generally speaking, it does sound like you are not helping your situation with your approach, but hurting it. Start focusing more on how it is all functional and tone down the accusations and uptightness and chronic disapproval and dissappointment (both turnoffs for men by the way). The fact that you look good is NOT a turn on. A turn on for him is not about pulling away or threatening to pull away, or threatening to mess things up with kids in the picture. You need to step back from the appearances and consider who are you coming across as. Enough said for now, good luck, here if you have a q.

No, you're not the only one. I am also in a functional sexless marriage. DW and I have been together for years and had a great sex life. But having a child killed DW's libido. At first I hated it and DW kept saying we'd start up again. But it's been 10 years now. I'm definitely not recommending staying in your marriage. It's just that it works for some people. I'd certainly leave if I were younger but I'm older and not in great health anymore. In all other ways, DW and I have a great marriage. As far as the lack of sex is concerned. I'm so used to it that it has ceased to bother me. But I would not say people should live like this as a general rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I speak as someone in a sexless marriage and not leaving it either. No, it is b.s. to say you will eventually cheat. What kind of crackpot therapist says that? Since I may be only one on here in a functional sexless marriage, feel free to ask questions. But generally speaking, it does sound like you are not helping your situation with your approach, but hurting it. Start focusing more on how it is all functional and tone down the accusations and uptightness and chronic disapproval and dissappointment (both turnoffs for men by the way). The fact that you look good is NOT a turn on. A turn on for him is not about pulling away or threatening to pull away, or threatening to mess things up with kids in the picture. You need to step back from the appearances and consider who are you coming across as. Enough said for now, good luck, here if you have a q.

Um, no offense but why should we want advice from someone IN a sexless marriage?

Because it was a marriage with sex, medical condition changed that (prostate cancer) and I adapted to low frequency, eventually no frequency. Because it is not a dealbreaker, especially with children in the home, and it does not require AP. It is not what I wanted in a sexlife, but believe it or not people, there are more important things. Like a living husband free from cancer who is a valuable critical member of this family and parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your husband always been low drive?

I am in your same shoes with my DW.
Hang in there.

Yes, always, which is why it's dumb that we got married in the first place. I was rebounding off of a long term relationship when we met and I really just wanted stability. We are so incompatible on so many levels.

Wow, I could have written this, except it was another major life change that made me go looking for stability. And we, too, are incompatible on several levels. We didn't have sex before marriage, so I had no idea men with zero sex drive existed, as it hadn't been my experience before him. (He was a virgin, I wasn't.)

But I got my stability! In fact he is so stable, some might call it rigid. OK, if he were any more rigid he would have rigor mortis. Why yes, he is on the spectrum! Why do you ask? One of many delightful surprises I found out after we had a son who was diagnosed.

Be careful what you wish for, ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP really understood how low drive DH was when they married. This is why I think people who say it's best to be celibate until marriage are stupid. It's dumb to marry someone without having had a fairly long sexual relationship first. Many people are not sexually compatible. I broke up with two people over that issue.

+1000. Marrying a virgin has COMPLETELY changed my opinion on the value of doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back!

Our marriage is not perfect otherwise, but it's okay. There are aspects of it that I like and aspects of it that I don't like. This seems to be the most dealbreaker-ish part of it. By the way, I'm not perfect either. I would like to think that I am a pretty good catch, but I know there are aspects of my personality that are not ideal. For instance, I am always one of those people who is looking for the next best thing in life. Houses, jobs, whatever. This has probably led to my professional success but sometimes I need to take it down a notch too. I am a perfectionist in many ways (clean house, kids need to look nice, I need to look nice, etc) and again, while this has had positive impacts on my life, I think it bothers my husband sometimes. He would rather have a messier house and not have me running around picking up after everyone.

I say all of that to say that I understand that people have good and bad qualities and you have to live with them. No one out there is perfect. No second husband would be perfect either and I know that, believe me, I have thought about that. This just seems very depressing though. One of the male PPs hit it on the mark in one of the first pages. It is just very lonely. Not only am I not having the sex I want, it's really not just about the physical. Knowing that your spouse is basically living in a constant state of rejection towards you is just depressing.. very depressing. I feel like I can't fully enjoy the sex we have, because even though it is good sex, I sometimes think about how it won't happen again for a while or how it just feels like he's not that into me.

I look at life and it's like, sex is one of the very few things I can think about that's pure pleasure while also being free and not bad for you in any way! What is not to like, right? And it is so hard for me to understand why my own husband of all people wouldn't want to have it with me! Especially given the fact that I am physically attractive.

I have kind of given him an ultimatum, and he says he would rather divorce than be in an open marriage. He is basically saying that it is my choice, this is what it is, I can live with it or we can get a divorce.. but he is not changing. This seems so selfish to me and puts me in a terrible position. We did see a therapist about this a long time ago who mentioned, as posters here have, that one day I am going to cheat on him. Not if but when.

I do not find an AP to be that attractive of an idea. Like I said, it is less physical than emotional. I am looking for the intertwined physical emotional relationship that I do not have in my marriage, and I don't think that an AP would give me that either. I also don't even know how it would happen logistically. I don't work with men and I am not really in the position to meet men socially. Yes, guys check me out and flirt with me while I'm grocery shopping or in line at Starbucks, but there's a MAJOR gap between flirtation on a Tuesday morning and having sex with that person!

I just really want my husband to change and it's very hard for me that he does not seem to want to attempt a compromise. I will keep pushing getting tested for low T.

OP it sounds like you know exactly what you want in life and want everyone else to follow suit. That's not really how it works, you have to compromise. Have you even thought that your personality and demands of perfection have possibly sexually turned off your DH? That it's more of a "mommy" thing to do, rather than a lover? Why not just leave things messier and see if it helps his sex drive? It sounds like he has brought this up to you. Having constant sex with a perfectionist, no matter how attractive they are, sounds awful to me and the furthest thing from "pure pleasure."

It sounds like he does want to compromise...what about fewer demands of perfection in life from you, in exchange for more sex from him?

Keep in mind that my high drive female friends who have divorced do eventually find high drive men, who then constantly cheat on the friends because one woman is not enough for them-no matter how often they have sex.

My money is on this.

+1

The giveaway was "always looking for the next improvement/best thing" and then "I just want my husband to change" - I'm sure he resents the hell out of her desire to "improve him" - nothing says I love you for who you are like "I want to change you". I am a male PP who talked about not really initiating anymore with my DW for duty sex - I sure as hell am not interested in exposing myself intimately - either emotionally or physically - to someone who wants to "improve me".

Lady - no more sympathy from me - you've created this with that push, push, push attitude. It's not that people don't like strong women - nobody would have much sympathy for a guy who complained about how his wife just needed to do more kegels with her crunches if she wanted to keep him sexually satisfied. There's a huge difference between critiquing performance (and training) and critiquing whether or not there is sex in the relationship at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Lady - no more sympathy from me - you've created this with that push, push, push attitude. It's not that people don't like strong women - nobody would have much sympathy for a guy who complained about how his wife just needed to do more kegels with her crunches if she wanted to keep him sexually satisfied. There's a huge difference between critiquing performance (and training) and critiquing whether or not there is sex in the relationship at all.

Going to do my kegels now. Cruches after work. Thanks for the reminder!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Lady - no more sympathy from me - you've created this with that push, push, push attitude. It's not that people don't like strong women - nobody would have much sympathy for a guy who complained about how his wife just needed to do more kegels with her crunches if she wanted to keep him sexually satisfied. There's a huge difference between critiquing performance (and training) and critiquing whether or not there is sex in the relationship at all.

Going to do my kegels now. Cruches after work. Thanks for the reminder!

Hahaha...well, if you choose to do it yourself, that's another thing altogether. Good for you.

I think OPs husband is standing up for himself and saying "this is who I am, take me or leave me", which indicates decent self-respect and self-esteem. They might just be incompatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back!

Our marriage is not perfect otherwise, but it's okay. There are aspects of it that I like and aspects of it that I don't like. This seems to be the most dealbreaker-ish part of it. By the way, I'm not perfect either. I would like to think that I am a pretty good catch, but I know there are aspects of my personality that are not ideal. For instance, I am always one of those people who is looking for the next best thing in life. Houses, jobs, whatever. This has probably led to my professional success but sometimes I need to take it down a notch too. I am a perfectionist in many ways (clean house, kids need to look nice, I need to look nice, etc) and again, while this has had positive impacts on my life, I think it bothers my husband sometimes. He would rather have a messier house and not have me running around picking up after everyone.

I say all of that to say that I understand that people have good and bad qualities and you have to live with them. No one out there is perfect. No second husband would be perfect either and I know that, believe me, I have thought about that. This just seems very depressing though. One of the male PPs hit it on the mark in one of the first pages. It is just very lonely. Not only am I not having the sex I want, it's really not just about the physical. Knowing that your spouse is basically living in a constant state of rejection towards you is just depressing.. very depressing. I feel like I can't fully enjoy the sex we have, because even though it is good sex, I sometimes think about how it won't happen again for a while or how it just feels like he's not that into me.

I look at life and it's like, sex is one of the very few things I can think about that's pure pleasure while also being free and not bad for you in any way! What is not to like, right? And it is so hard for me to understand why my own husband of all people wouldn't want to have it with me! Especially given the fact that I am physically attractive.

I have kind of given him an ultimatum, and he says he would rather divorce than be in an open marriage. He is basically saying that it is my choice, this is what it is, I can live with it or we can get a divorce.. but he is not changing. This seems so selfish to me and puts me in a terrible position. We did see a therapist about this a long time ago who mentioned, as posters here have, that one day I am going to cheat on him. Not if but when.

I do not find an AP to be that attractive of an idea. Like I said, it is less physical than emotional. I am looking for the intertwined physical emotional relationship that I do not have in my marriage, and I don't think that an AP would give me that either. I also don't even know how it would happen logistically. I don't work with men and I am not really in the position to meet men socially. Yes, guys check me out and flirt with me while I'm grocery shopping or in line at Starbucks, but there's a MAJOR gap between flirtation on a Tuesday morning and having sex with that person!

I just really want my husband to change and it's very hard for me that he does not seem to want to attempt a compromise. I will keep pushing getting tested for low T.

OP it sounds like you know exactly what you want in life and want everyone else to follow suit. That's not really how it works, you have to compromise. Have you even thought that your personality and demands of perfection have possibly sexually turned off your DH? That it's more of a "mommy" thing to do, rather than a lover? Why not just leave things messier and see if it helps his sex drive? It sounds like he has brought this up to you. Having constant sex with a perfectionist, no matter how attractive they are, sounds awful to me and the furthest thing from "pure pleasure."

It sounds like he does want to compromise...what about fewer demands of perfection in life from you, in exchange for more sex from him?

Keep in mind that my high drive female friends who have divorced do eventually find high drive men, who then constantly cheat on the friends because one woman is not enough for them-no matter how often they have sex.

As a high drive woman, I have concluded that this is true, so I cheat on my low drive husband. Not ideal, but since I have no interest in marrying anyone else, it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I speak as someone in a sexless marriage and not leaving it either. No, it is b.s. to say you will eventually cheat. What kind of crackpot therapist says that? Since I may be only one on here in a functional sexless marriage, feel free to ask questions. But generally speaking, it does sound like you are not helping your situation with your approach, but hurting it. Start focusing more on how it is all functional and tone down the accusations and uptightness and chronic disapproval and dissappointment (both turnoffs for men by the way). The fact that you look good is NOT a turn on. A turn on for him is not about pulling away or threatening to pull away, or threatening to mess things up with kids in the picture. You need to step back from the appearances and consider who are you coming across as. Enough said for now, good luck, here if you have a q.

How do you meet your own sexual needs and yet stay in the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Lady - no more sympathy from me - you've created this with that push, push, push attitude. It's not that people don't like strong women - nobody would have much sympathy for a guy who complained about how his wife just needed to do more kegels with her crunches if she wanted to keep him sexually satisfied. There's a huge difference between critiquing performance (and training) and critiquing whether or not there is sex in the relationship at all.

Going to do my kegels now. Cruches after work. Thanks for the reminder!

Hahaha...well, if you choose to do it yourself, that's another thing altogether. Good for you.

I think OPs husband is standing up for himself and saying "this is who I am, take me or leave me", which indicates decent self-respect and self-esteem. They might just be incompatible.

It does sound that way.