Ill Sister Wants Me to Take Her Kids vs. My Newfound Freedom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would only take the children if I was either close to the mother or if I had a prior relationship with the children. I wouldn't take in children I barely knew. I don't think it's wrong to want to enjoy your life at some point. I think some posters are just full of crap and I doubt every single person on DCUM would really take in children from a bitchy sibling/children they barely know.

+1. The responses on this thread are ridiculous. Don't be guilted (by your mean sister) and bullied (by DCUM harpies) into doing this when your heart isn't in it. You got lucky with teenagerhood once. As a PP said, it won't likely be so easy this time. It's your life. Live it your way.

[Anonymous]

Do you love the girls? Forget about their mom. Do you want to be a positive influence on these girls? Would you like to see them with any other family member? Would you be OK with them in foster care, never being adopted and probably in pretty bleak situations, maybe not even together.

I think you have to separate the children from their mean mom in your mind. You would be doing it for family. BTW, I have an adopted child. I could not love him more. I also have a bitch of a sister and if she had children I would have to think of children and not the bitch of the sister.

[Anonymous]

OP, you got flamed -- or just somewhat toasted -- by some posters saying you're terrible not to take them reflexively, etc. but I'm not one of them. Taking on children (and yes, though they're teens they are still children) is a huge responsibility and you are being very frank about your misgivings. That's much better than saying yes, of course I'll do this, and then ending up resenting these kids to the point they feel that resentment and everyone is miserable, even if they are materially well off.

But there are so many messy unknowns here that this isn't going to happen suddenly if your sister dies anyway. Here's what's missing:

As others note: Dad. Yes, he's got issues and it sounds as if your sister has had nothing to do with him, and he's had nothing to do with his daughter (as far as you know -- your sister may be leaving out things she doesn't want you to know about), but unless he is dead or he signed away his parental rights legally, he could turn up at ANY time and claim those rights. You can take the girls with every promise of caring for them and he could come yank back his biological child. Unlikely, yes, but it has happened, as some posts on DCUM over the years can attest. His doing that would create more devastation for her and for the girl who is basically her sister. If your sister is serious about someone else taking these girls, she must, must, must get an attorney and finalize all this in writing and find the dad and ensure he isn't going to mess with his kid's head later by turning up. If he's been totally out of their lives, no support etc., for a certain amount of time, a court may well terminate his rights without any need to find or contact him. But sister needs to be very forthright about who he is and where he is. You or whoever took these girls would need to know that, to be prepared if he turns up.

Another thing touched on above: Sister absolutely needs to get some legal documents in place for guardianship if she is as ill as you believe she is. Offer to pay for a lawyer's help to write up and document things legally so there can be no issue of "Sally took the kids but grandma decided she really wants them and there's no indication of Sister's intentions beyond verbal stuff...." later on.

If you take the kids, it sounds as if they would need to leave their current school situation. That will rock their world on top of losing their mom and may be very unwise -- if they are doing OK in school, have friends who are positive and supportive, have teachers who know them already, it could be disastrous to remove them from the stability of their schools if their mom dies. Leaving them with the relative(s) who can keep them in their current schools (again, IF the school situation is positive) would likely be best. You mention at one point that they could maybe go with you on your great work assignment -- please, no, OP, because you will have to place them in schools, possibly expensive private ones, and they will be totally separated from all they know soon after losing their mom. It will sound cool and exotic to them but it could end up isolating them at just the wrong time.

They also would have to leave any activities, church if they attend one, etc. Again, more loss of stability and normalcy on top of losing mom. Not good. Another reason for whoever takes them to be someone who can keep them in their current school or church or other groups they attend. Are you willing to move to where they now are, to make that happen? Because that is what might be best for them though it would be lousy for you, and let's just admit it would be lousy. And you might not be able to keep your current job at all, much less travel anywhere, exotic or not.

And some posts are blithely saying, "Take them on because it's only a few years until they're gone to college" as if their going to college releases you of 100 percent of responsibility. They DO deserve to go to college if they want to and are academically able to do so, and no one is asking: Who will pay for college if they go? Sounds like sister will not have that kind of money to leave to them in a will. Will you pay? Will family members all contribute to a trust fund for college tuition? This stuff has to be thought about, now, in a practical and cold way, even if it's painful.

Has anyone considered the option of the girls going to live with whichever relative can keep them in their current schools, with their friends, etc., while you provide some financial support in a committed way? I don't mean sending some cash whenever, I mean committing to amounts over time. Again, a reason to involve a lawyer.

You seem to have some doubts about how sick your sister really is, since you say she has previously said "I want you to take them" when she was ill, but she recovered. I do get those doubts, OP, and I do not blame you for feeling you now have a chance to be your own, adult self, and it's tough to say the "yes" that some people feel you are compelled to say. You are not compelled to say yes to this. But you can help your sister by sitting down and helping her get past the strong emotions and start putting an actual plan into place with a lawyer, a will and guardianship papers, and very frank discussions with family members.

The fact her daughter is saying to you that mom told her she'll go live with you -- that's worrying because your sister should not be telling the girls that; it gets their hopes up that they have you as a landing place, and they will be confused and feel rejected if you don't take them in.

I think your sister needs to be talked with by both a therapist or counselor and a lawyer, so she understands that it is not a good idea to tell these girls so much detail at this point. And if you don't want to take them, do not take them, but do get involved in setting up a plan so they can stay in their current situation if it is supportive.

I feel so bad for the girls and for your sister --she sounds frightened and that makes people say dramatic things. But she needs someone who can be clear-headed for her and that may be you. It IS all right not to want the girls to live with you, but are you willing and able to find the best alternative?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a pitch for a tv show.

Or a movie: "Womanchester By the River."

Sorry to joke about a serious issue but OP seems rather flippant about her sister's health problems.

[Anonymous]

I don't find OP off putting for questioning whether this is the right decision.

I find OP off putting for her bizarro tone where she discusses the death of her sister and these girls' losing their parent with an unbelievably flippant air about her. And acts as if when she takes these girls on it will be nothing but fun and games and cosmos in the big city! When in fact they will have just lost a parent and would be relocating in a dramatic way. She just doesn't seem like she's taking the whole thing seriously. Which is a strange thing to say considering the subject matter but seriously she really sounds so cavalier its making me agree with other PPs that this is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a pitch for a tv show.

I call troll. These kids sound like they'd be better off in social services.

You have no idea what you speak. Social,services are beyond horrible. It's a failure in humanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem like a truly horrible person.

No she doesn't. She sounds like someone being honest with herself, and conducting a self evaluation. Who are you to judge this person? She asked for advice, not your judgment.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry folks are being so awful on this thread, OP. I think you should take the girls, but I understand why you have reservations/resentment about it. You had a plan, and now you have to grieve that lost future for a bit before embracing your new reality. I get that.

But...I think you know what you have to do. I'd definitely talk to a lawyer or join that FB group that a PP linked so that you can get your guardianship ducks in a row. You may be able to get custody of the kids in a kinship care sort of situation, and get help from the state in raising them if they are technically wards of the state but in kinship care with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't find OP off putting for questioning whether this is the right decision.

I find OP off putting for her bizarro tone where she discusses the death of her sister and these girls' losing their parent with an unbelievably flippant air about her. And acts as if when she takes these girls on it will be nothing but fun and games and cosmos in the big city! When in fact they will have just lost a parent and would be relocating in a dramatic way. She just doesn't seem like she's taking the whole thing seriously. Which is a strange thing to say considering the subject matter but seriously she really sounds so cavalier its making me agree with other PPs that this is a troll.

+1 Taking in two kids, especially after a major trauma like losing a parent, is a huge decision and commitment. I don't blame OP at all for being unsure. But her tone regarding her sister, and the focus on superficial pros and cons of raising two more girls...very strange. I thought it was a troll post originally and now I really hope it is because these poor girls seem like they will be screwed either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you got flamed -- or just somewhat toasted -- by some posters saying you're terrible not to take them reflexively, etc. but I'm not one of them. Taking on children (and yes, though they're teens they are still children) is a huge responsibility and you are being very frank about your misgivings. That's much better than saying yes, of course I'll do this, and then ending up resenting these kids to the point they feel that resentment and everyone is miserable, even if they are materially well off.

But there are so many messy unknowns here that this isn't going to happen suddenly if your sister dies anyway. Here's what's missing:

As others note: Dad. Yes, he's got issues and it sounds as if your sister has had nothing to do with him, and he's had nothing to do with his daughter (as far as you know -- your sister may be leaving out things she doesn't want you to know about), but unless he is dead or he signed away his parental rights legally, he could turn up at ANY time and claim those rights. You can take the girls with every promise of caring for them and he could come yank back his biological child. Unlikely, yes, but it has happened, as some posts on DCUM over the years can attest. His doing that would create more devastation for her and for the girl who is basically her sister. If your sister is serious about someone else taking these girls, she must, must, must get an attorney and finalize all this in writing and find the dad and ensure he isn't going to mess with his kid's head later by turning up. If he's been totally out of their lives, no support etc., for a certain amount of time, a court may well terminate his rights without any need to find or contact him. But sister needs to be very forthright about who he is and where he is. You or whoever took these girls would need to know that, to be prepared if he turns up.

Another thing touched on above: Sister absolutely needs to get some legal documents in place for guardianship if she is as ill as you believe she is. Offer to pay for a lawyer's help to write up and document things legally so there can be no issue of "Sally took the kids but grandma decided she really wants them and there's no indication of Sister's intentions beyond verbal stuff...." later on.

If you take the kids, it sounds as if they would need to leave their current school situation. That will rock their world on top of losing their mom and may be very unwise -- if they are doing OK in school, have friends who are positive and supportive, have teachers who know them already, it could be disastrous to remove them from the stability of their schools if their mom dies. Leaving them with the relative(s) who can keep them in their current schools (again, IF the school situation is positive) would likely be best. You mention at one point that they could maybe go with you on your great work assignment -- please, no, OP, because you will have to place them in schools, possibly expensive private ones, and they will be totally separated from all they know soon after losing their mom. It will sound cool and exotic to them but it could end up isolating them at just the wrong time.

They also would have to leave any activities, church if they attend one, etc. Again, more loss of stability and normalcy on top of losing mom. Not good. Another reason for whoever takes them to be someone who can keep them in their current school or church or other groups they attend. Are you willing to move to where they now are, to make that happen? Because that is what might be best for them though it would be lousy for you, and let's just admit it would be lousy. And you might not be able to keep your current job at all, much less travel anywhere, exotic or not.

And some posts are blithely saying, "Take them on because it's only a few years until they're gone to college" as if their going to college releases you of 100 percent of responsibility. They DO deserve to go to college if they want to and are academically able to do so, and no one is asking: Who will pay for college if they go? Sounds like sister will not have that kind of money to leave to them in a will. Will you pay? Will family members all contribute to a trust fund for college tuition? This stuff has to be thought about, now, in a practical and cold way, even if it's painful.

Has anyone considered the option of the girls going to live with whichever relative can keep them in their current schools, with their friends, etc., while you provide some financial support in a committed way? I don't mean sending some cash whenever, I mean committing to amounts over time. Again, a reason to involve a lawyer.

You seem to have some doubts about how sick your sister really is, since you say she has previously said "I want you to take them" when she was ill, but she recovered. I do get those doubts, OP, and I do not blame you for feeling you now have a chance to be your own, adult self, and it's tough to say the "yes" that some people feel you are compelled to say. You are not compelled to say yes to this. But you can help your sister by sitting down and helping her get past the strong emotions and start putting an actual plan into place with a lawyer, a will and guardianship papers, and very frank discussions with family members.

The fact her daughter is saying to you that mom told her she'll go live with you -- that's worrying because your sister should not be telling the girls that; it gets their hopes up that they have you as a landing place, and they will be confused and feel rejected if you don't take them in.

I think your sister needs to be talked with by both a therapist or counselor and a lawyer, so she understands that it is not a good idea to tell these girls so much detail at this point. And if you don't want to take them, do not take them, but do get involved in setting up a plan so they can stay in their current situation if it is supportive.

I feel so bad for the girls and for your sister --she sounds frightened and that makes people say dramatic things. But she needs someone who can be clear-headed for her and that may be you. It IS all right not to want the girls to live with you, but are you willing and able to find the best alternative?

Thank you for such a thoughtful response.

I have also considered that moving to live with me midyear would not be a good idea for the very reasons you mentioned. I was surprised my sister said that she wants them to move and finish out the school year with me whether she makes it or not. The last thing they need is to start a new school in a new state in the middle of a school year. Fortunately, they have my mother and other sisters--who have always been involved in their lives daily. I'm the fun aunt who visits for holidays, the one you visit in the summer and just spend your time swimming and going to amusement parks, the one who checks up on grades and provides stern lectures if needed.

I also considered moving back home and taking them in so they can continue to have their grandma, aunties and cousins in their daily lives. But I can't afford to buy a second home there. Even renting a place large enough for all of us would be undoable while still paying my mortgage here. Furthermore, I suspect I'd make much less money--if I could find a job there in my field.

And the idea of moving them to these fabulous cities was just that--an idea. Another option I considered that would allow me to keep them without sacrificing my desires another year--or 4 or 5. However, I realize that the thing they will need most is stability. And I"m not keen on raising kids in a large city anyway.

My mom and sister would be willing and able to keep them in their current situation. I also considered this as an option and decided I can continue to be that fun aunt who makes sure they have what they need and want without taking them in.

Trust me, I would not fight the dad if he wanted custody, as much of a deadbeat as he may be, he is the father. My only concern is the girls being split. That would add additional devastation on top of devastation. But there would be nothing I could do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem like a truly horrible person.

No she doesn't. She sounds like someone being honest with herself, and conducting a self evaluation. Who are you to judge this person? She asked for advice, not your judgment.

Thank you! Some people are just so ridiculous it's laughable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry folks are being so awful on this thread, OP. I think you should take the girls, but I understand why you have reservations/resentment about it. You had a plan, and now you have to grieve that lost future for a bit before embracing your new reality. I get that.

But...I think you know what you have to do. I'd definitely talk to a lawyer or join that FB group that a PP linked so that you can get your guardianship ducks in a row. You may be able to get custody of the kids in a kinship care sort of situation, and get help from the state in raising them if they are technically wards of the state but in kinship care with you.

Thank you!

Finances were definitely another concern and I did consider receiving state assistance. Not sure how that would work given that their residents in one state and I live in another.

Financially we'll do okay, but I know that kids are expensive! Fortunately, I also believe my family would step up to help out. They already do so for the girls.

And I'm not on FB but I will check online to see if there are any other support groups. I'm sure there must be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't find OP off putting for questioning whether this is the right decision.

I find OP off putting for her bizarro tone where she discusses the death of her sister and these girls' losing their parent with an unbelievably flippant air about her. And acts as if when she takes these girls on it will be nothing but fun and games and cosmos in the big city! When in fact they will have just lost a parent and would be relocating in a dramatic way. She just doesn't seem like she's taking the whole thing seriously. Which is a strange thing to say considering the subject matter but seriously she really sounds so cavalier its making me agree with other PPs that this is a troll.

+1 Taking in two kids, especially after a major trauma like losing a parent, is a huge decision and commitment. I don't blame OP at all for being unsure. But her tone regarding her sister, and the focus on superficial pros and cons of raising two more girls...very strange. I thought it was a troll post originally and now I really hope it is because these poor girls seem like they will be screwed either way.

Doesn't sound like any kids in your care would come out too well either. You seem completely off-balance, unable to put things into perspective and understand another person's point of view. You also seem incapable or unwilling to realize it's impossible to convey all of the nuances of a situation on a message board. People do the best they can to communicate the intricate in simplistic ways. Posters of greater maturity and social intelligence are able to read between the lines and fill in the blanks.

[Anonymous]

I think it is so weird that you focus on the "girly girl" stuff you and your daughter did, and the fact that the nieces allegedly ADORE you.

I hope this was written by a 14 yo boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't find OP off putting for questioning whether this is the right decision.

I find OP off putting for her bizarro tone where she discusses the death of her sister and these girls' losing their parent with an unbelievably flippant air about her. And acts as if when she takes these girls on it will be nothing but fun and games and cosmos in the big city! When in fact they will have just lost a parent and would be relocating in a dramatic way. She just doesn't seem like she's taking the whole thing seriously. Which is a strange thing to say considering the subject matter but seriously she really sounds so cavalier its making me agree with other PPs that this is a troll.

+1 Taking in two kids, especially after a major trauma like losing a parent, is a huge decision and commitment. I don't blame OP at all for being unsure. But her tone regarding her sister, and the focus on superficial pros and cons of raising two more girls...very strange. I thought it was a troll post originally and now I really hope it is because these poor girls seem like they will be screwed either way.

Doesn't sound like any kids in your care would come out too well either. You seem completely off-balance, unable to put things into perspective and understand another person's point of view. You also seem incapable or unwilling to realize it's impossible to convey all of the nuances of a situation on a message board. People do the best they can to communicate the intricate in simplistic ways. Posters of greater maturity and social intelligence are able to read between the lines and fill in the blanks.

Ok OP. Whatever you say. Only respond to the posters who are sympathetic to you and ignore the fact that many many posters have found your attitude and tone to be bafflingly weird and out of touch and, yes, kind of cruel.