Reply to Ill Sister Wants Me to Take Her Kids vs. My Newfound Freedom

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, you got flamed -- or just somewhat toasted -- by some posters saying you're terrible not to take them reflexively, etc. but I'm not one of them. Taking on children (and yes, though they're teens they are still children) is a huge responsibility and you are being very frank about your misgivings. That's much better than saying yes, of course I'll do this, and then ending up resenting these kids to the point they feel that resentment and everyone is miserable, even if they are materially well off.

But there are so many messy unknowns here that this isn't going to happen suddenly if your sister dies anyway. Here's what's missing:

As others note: Dad. Yes, he's got issues and it sounds as if your sister has had nothing to do with him, and he's had nothing to do with his daughter (as far as you know -- your sister may be leaving out things she doesn't want you to know about), but unless he is dead or he signed away his parental rights legally, he could turn up at ANY time and claim those rights. You can take the girls with every promise of caring for them and he could come yank back his biological child. Unlikely, yes, but it has happened, as some posts on DCUM over the years can attest. His doing that would create more devastation for her and for the girl who is basically her sister. If your sister is serious about someone else taking these girls, she must, must, must get an attorney and finalize all this in writing and find the dad and ensure he isn't going to mess with his kid's head later by turning up. If he's been totally out of their lives, no support etc., for a certain amount of time, a court may well terminate his rights without any need to find or contact him. But sister needs to be very forthright about who he is and where he is. You or whoever took these girls would need to know that, to be prepared if he turns up.

Another thing touched on above: Sister absolutely needs to get some legal documents in place for guardianship if she is as ill as you believe she is. Offer to pay for a lawyer's help to write up and document things legally so there can be no issue of "Sally took the kids but grandma decided she really wants them and there's no indication of Sister's intentions beyond verbal stuff...." later on.

If you take the kids, it sounds as if they would need to leave their current school situation. That will rock their world on top of losing their mom and may be very unwise -- if they are doing OK in school, have friends who are positive and supportive, have teachers who know them already, it could be disastrous to remove them from the stability of their schools if their mom dies. Leaving them with the relative(s) who can keep them in their current schools (again, IF the school situation is positive) would likely be best. You mention at one point that they could maybe go with you on your great work assignment -- please, no, OP, because you will have to place them in schools, possibly expensive private ones, and they will be totally separated from all they know soon after losing their mom. It will sound cool and exotic to them but it could end up isolating them at just the wrong time.

They also would have to leave any activities, church if they attend one, etc. Again, more loss of stability and normalcy on top of losing mom. Not good. Another reason for whoever takes them to be someone who can keep them in their current school or church or other groups they attend. Are you willing to move to where they now are, to make that happen? Because that is what might be best for them though it would be lousy for you, and let's just admit it would be lousy. And you might not be able to keep your current job at all, much less travel anywhere, exotic or not.

And some posts are blithely saying, "Take them on because it's only a few years until they're gone to college" as if their going to college releases you of 100 percent of responsibility. They DO deserve to go to college if they want to and are academically able to do so, and no one is asking: Who will pay for college if they go? Sounds like sister will not have that kind of money to leave to them in a will. Will you pay? Will family members all contribute to a trust fund for college tuition? This stuff has to be thought about, now, in a practical and cold way, even if it's painful.

Has anyone considered the option of the girls going to live with whichever relative can keep them in their current schools, with their friends, etc., while you provide some financial support in a committed way? I don't mean sending some cash whenever, I mean committing to amounts over time. Again, a reason to involve a lawyer.

You seem to have some doubts about how sick your sister really is, since you say she has previously said "I want you to take them" when she was ill, but she recovered. I do get those doubts, OP, and I do not blame you for feeling you now have a chance to be your own, adult self, and it's tough to say the "yes" that some people feel you are compelled to say. You are not compelled to say yes to this. But you can help your sister by sitting down and helping her get past the strong emotions and start putting an actual plan into place with a lawyer, a will and guardianship papers, and very frank discussions with family members.

The fact her daughter is saying to you that mom told her she'll go live with you -- that's worrying because your sister should not be telling the girls that; it gets their hopes up that they have you as a landing place, and they will be confused and feel rejected if you don't take them in.

I think your sister needs to be talked with by both a therapist or counselor and a lawyer, so she understands that it is not a good idea to tell these girls so much detail at this point. And if you don't want to take them, do not take them, but do get involved in setting up a plan so they can stay in their current situation if it is supportive.

I feel so bad for the girls and for your sister --she sounds frightened and that makes people say dramatic things. But she needs someone who can be clear-headed for her and that may be you. It IS all right not to want the girls to live with you, but are you willing and able to find the best alternative? [/quote]

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