"Friends" who don't express condolences on FB

[Anonymous]

You do realize that you can follow a lot of people but turn off getting their postings? I follow a ton of people but I turn off most to my news feed. Only a few people and groups I want to see are in my feed. So I have no idea what all the friends are up to unless I search out their name to take a look once in a while.

Otherwise seeing 1000s of posts daily is tiring.

So many of the people probably didn't see your post. Even if your friends on Facebook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, not everything you post shows up on people's news feeds. Facebook's algorithm doesn't serve every post up to every single person on your friends list, so there's actually no guarantee that they saw the post. Even if you have yours set to newest first vs top stories, you do not see every single post by every single friend. Just how it works.

And if they did, they may not be the types who are comfortable expressing condolences on a Facebook post. You're upset right now, and rightfully so, as you lost your mother, but you are reading WAY too much into this.

Nope, the entire point of the settings is get the timeline from most recent to oldest. However, creating groups helps even more, which most people probably don't do.

You can set your posts to go to certain people as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if they follow you, I don't think that means EVERY post shows up in their feed. Maybe they were away or didn't check their FB account for a few days and your news was not front and centre. Everyone uses different settings based on why or how they use FB.

This kind of stuff that makes me want to quit FB. If you have real news that you are expecting response from people regarding, contact them personally!!

I think most people don't have their so called friends e-mail address, and not everyone has it on Facebook for whatever reason. One could do a blind copy e-mail instead of using social media and hope someone sees it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had the same thing happen when I lost a parent recently. A friend who posts multiple times a day of her getting coffee, at the salon, what her kids are doing, what she's drinking for lunch, which fancy restaurant they are at tonight or how great one of her favorite sports teams is.
She "liked" my post about the death of my parent, but not so much as an I'm sorry.
I was upset about it. Honestly, I'll never forget it, and things won't ever be the same with us. She showed her true colors.

That is an attention whore, I have friends and family like this, but when it comes to a birthday, nothing (public or private) results. Anyone that uses Facebook knows how reminders work (and sometimes you get a text/e-mail as well).

[Anonymous]

Social media really is the beginning of the end. How old are you?? So what they didn't offer condolences in a public forum. Are you tallying who did that for some reason?? Frankly, it doesn't matter why they didn't offer condolences via FB, what matters is your mother and her memory.

Grow up!!!

[Anonymous]

This just reaffirms my dislike for Facebook and that not having it is the right choice. If you were my friend, I would have found out differently about you losing your parent, by e-mail or a phone call by you or somebody close to both of us. If I find out through Facebook, you are not my friend. If you called me or e-mailed me, you would certainly receive condolences.

[Anonymous]

OP here. For those who are criticizing me for "keeping score" and saying that some people don't feel comfortable with it or that they don't spend a lot of time on FB, I hear what you are saying. BUT, I am not keeping score. Lots of people did not comment, and I am ok with that. I am talking about the "friends" who are constantly posting...like 5-6 times a day. That is why I noticed it--because they are in my face all the time, but for some reason ignoring my sad news. I am sure my post reached their timeline because it had over 90 comments, and those posts generally get a lot of visibility. Also, one of the friends has made numerous posts about other peoples deaths, so I know she is very comfortable with the notion of FB postings about death. How hard can it be to simply say, "my condolences." Actually I would expect more from the "friend" who writes paragraphs about other dead people. So disappointed in this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Social media really is the beginning of the end. How old are you?? So what they didn't offer condolences in a public forum. Are you tallying who did that for some reason?? Frankly, it doesn't matter why they didn't offer condolences via FB, what matters is your mother and her memory.

Grow up!!!

Nice way to talk to someone who is grieving. Why don't you just STFU.

[Anonymous]

Some people likely didn't see it. I miss posts all the time because for some reason they don't show up on my feed.

And some people are likely uncomfortable with expressing condolences on Facebook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who are criticizing me for "keeping score" and saying that some people don't feel comfortable with it or that they don't spend a lot of time on FB, I hear what you are saying. BUT, I am not keeping score. Lots of people did not comment, and I am ok with that. I am talking about the "friends" who are constantly posting...like 5-6 times a day. That is why I noticed it--because they are in my face all the time, but for some reason ignoring my sad news. I am sure my post reached their timeline because it had over 90 comments, and those posts generally get a lot of visibility. Also, one of the friends has made numerous posts about other peoples deaths, so I know she is very comfortable with the notion of FB postings about death. How hard can it be to simply say, "my condolences." Actually I would expect more from the "friend" who writes paragraphs about other dead people. So disappointed in this person.

If these people were truly friends (not just "FB friends") before this, then you need to give them the benefit of the doubt. I have over 300 FB friends and I like to keep my newsfeed set to "most recent," but FB often switches it on me to "top stories." What that means is that I often see just the posts from people I interact with a lot on FB (I've liked or commented on their other posts a lot, or they've done the same to mine). So I would most likely miss a post from my mother in law, whom I love, because she is hardly ever on FB. I often go days between posts and then will have a rash of 3-4 posts in one day, often from my phone. Maybe I upload a picture of my kids doing something cute/hilarious, or maybe I just had something silly to say. That doesn't mean I have also spent the last hour scrolling through the hundreds of posts in my newsfeed in the meantime.

I am very sorry for your loss, but please don't look for offense where there likely was none given. If these people are truly friends, then an appropriate way to tell them about such a sad event would be an email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who are criticizing me for "keeping score" and saying that some people don't feel comfortable with it or that they don't spend a lot of time on FB, I hear what you are saying. BUT, I am not keeping score. Lots of people did not comment, and I am ok with that. I am talking about the "friends" who are constantly posting...like 5-6 times a day. That is why I noticed it--because they are in my face all the time, but for some reason ignoring my sad news. I am sure my post reached their timeline because it had over 90 comments, and those posts generally get a lot of visibility. Also, one of the friends has made numerous posts about other peoples deaths, so I know she is very comfortable with the notion of FB postings about death. How hard can it be to simply say, "my condolences." Actually I would expect more from the "friend" who writes paragraphs about other dead people. So disappointed in this person.

If these people were truly friends (not just "FB friends") before this, then you need to give them the benefit of the doubt. I have over 300 FB friends and I like to keep my newsfeed set to "most recent," but FB often switches it on me to "top stories." What that means is that I often see just the posts from people I interact with a lot on FB (I've liked or commented on their other posts a lot, or they've done the same to mine). So I would most likely miss a post from my mother in law, whom I love, because she is hardly ever on FB. I often go days between posts and then will have a rash of 3-4 posts in one day, often from my phone. Maybe I upload a picture of my kids doing something cute/hilarious, or maybe I just had something silly to say. That doesn't mean I have also spent the last hour scrolling through the hundreds of posts in my newsfeed in the meantime.

I am very sorry for your loss, but please don't look for offense where there likely was none given. If these people are truly friends, then an appropriate way to tell them about such a sad event would be an email.

First, the FB app sucks.

Second, go on a computer, go to Facebook.com, and create groups. It helps reduce your news feed considerably.

The OP could have done a blind copy e-mail in addition to the Facebook post. As someone posted earlier, not everyone is on social media. I think you find out who your real friends are when something like the OP's issue happens.

[Anonymous]

OP... Not everyone is like you. I think it's weird to post about a death on Facebook, but I'm a person who hasn't logged into my account in years. Also, I'm quite a reserved and slightly pessimistic person. When bad news is announced, like a death, I am unlikely to join everyone else in condolences because words are just words. They don't bring back a person who has died. Or miraculously speed you through the process of dealing and grieving. Also, I hate being crowded and crave silence and being alone when dealing with bad news, death, ect.

I will, however, include you in my prayers. I will respond if you reach out to me personally. Otherwise I'll let other people who are better at the "warm fuzzy stuff" do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they were uncomfortable doing so publicly. Or maybe they didn't see your post.

+1 to both points, especially the first one.

[Anonymous]

The grieving posts were being put up faster than I could call people after my father died. I didn't want people to find out via Facebook and had to rush through all of the calls.

Facebook isn't an appropriate space for this, IMO. I suppose the problem lies in how differently we think Facebook should be used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently lost my mother and shared this on Facebook. I got lots of very nice responses from close friends as well as other people who rarely comment on my posts. It was really nice that so many people came out of the woodwork to express their sympathy.

At the same time I was disappointed at a few "friends" who frequently post (several times a day) about their wonderful lives, but didn't even bother to say anything in response to my sad news. I am talking about friends who will comment when I have a great photo of myself ("Wow you look great"). So I know these people are definitely "following" me.

I am so tempted to unfriend these "friends." To put it in perspective, there are only a couple I can think of, and these are the narcissistic daily posters sharing each and every experience they have in their lives. So I think I get it and maybe should feel sorry for them.

Just a rant...thanks for listening.

There are any number of valid reasons for this.

For one thing, Facebook algorithms are weird and even though they may comment one week on your outfit it doesn't mean they see every post you make. For another, I find it odd that you are fishing for sympathy on FB. It's one thing to share bad news, although I think FB is a relatively new platform and an awkward one at that for this type of news. And many people feel, validly, that making a show of commenting to offer sympathy is rather uncouth and impersonal; sympathies and condolences offered more personally carry more sincerity. I understand you're probably reeling, but really, a lack of comment/sympathy to a post on Facebook is not a proxy for how people care about you. Please don't view it as such -- what a damaging framework through which to view your friendships. And your instinct to punish them for a (probably imagined) transgression is short-sighted and wrong.