"Friends" who don't express condolences on FB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently lost my mother and shared this on Facebook. I got lots of very nice responses from close friends as well as other people who rarely comment on my posts. It was really nice that so many people came out of the woodwork to express their sympathy.

At the same time I was disappointed at a few "friends" who frequently post (several times a day) about their wonderful lives, but didn't even bother to say anything in response to my sad news. I am talking about friends who will comment when I have a great photo of myself ("Wow you look great"). So I know these people are definitely "following" me.

I am so tempted to unfriend these "friends." To put it in perspective, there are only a couple I can think of, and these are the narcissistic daily posters sharing each and every experience they have in their lives. So I think I get it and maybe should feel sorry for them.

Just a rant...thanks for listening.

OP, you've already answered your question (or rant) by categorizing responses from "close friends" and "friends". Your close friends are the ones that exist in real life and on FB. They actually care about you. Your "friends" are just FB friends and probably have tons of other FB friends and don't have time to comment on every post, no matter how sad or important it is.

Focus on your real friends who will be there for you in the real world. Facebook isn't a place to look for condolences so I wouldn't read too much into it if I were you.

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP?

[Anonymous]

Hmmmmm......I never know what to do when I see a post like yours. If I'm close to the person, I don't feel the need to comment on their post. Two reasons: I've probably already expressed my condolences to them personally or I've sent a card. If I'm not close to them, I really don't generally know what to say and worry it will come across as disingenuous.

I think it's great you feel so comfortable and think the correct response is to make any comment, not everyone falls in your camp.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you already didn't like them and were looking for something.

The thing about death is that the world keeps turning. So yes even though for you you lost someone, for other people, the daily grind continues, and that means facebook posting. If everyone stopped posting anything happy when one of their facebook friends posted something sad, no one would ever post anything at all.

A lot of people (myself included) have a hard time with death and an even harder time making public declarations about death. This, in and of itself, isn't a reason to defriend. But your reaction might be a reason to step away from social media until you're feeling a little better.

[Anonymous]

I'd be more concerned that your real friends didn't do anything IRL. I had a friend recently suffer a tragedy. I didn't reply to her FB announcement bc IRL I had set up a meal train, visited, met her for lunch, etc. Those are the places people should show up if they care about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be more concerned that your real friends didn't do anything IRL. I had a friend recently suffer a tragedy. I didn't reply to her FB announcement bc IRL I had set up a meal train, visited, met her for lunch, etc. Those are the places people should show up if they care about you.

I think OP is the type of person who would post pictures of her friends' visits, lunches, etc. on FB to make sure everyone knows that people care about her.

Some things (like personal tragedies) are just not meant for Facebook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, you really can't know if they saw that particular post. Sometimes I will see a post from days or weeks prior that I am shocked to have missed!

This is definitely true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you OP?

I'm guessing very young 30's or younger. I'm 36 and know literally no one my age who thinks like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, not everything you post shows up on people's news feeds. Facebook's algorithm doesn't serve every post up to every single person on your friends list, so there's actually no guarantee that they saw the post. Even if you have yours set to newest first vs top stories, you do not see every single post by every single friend. Just how it works.

And if they did, they may not be the types who are comfortable expressing condolences on a Facebook post. You're upset right now, and rightfully so, as you lost your mother, but you are reading WAY too much into this.

Nope, the entire point of the settings is get the timeline from most recent to oldest. However, creating groups helps even more, which most people probably don't do.

You can set your posts to go to certain people as well.

Huh? PP here and you're wrong. I have the max 5000 friends on Facebook and the settings DO NOT get the timeline to show most recent to oldest. The algorithm still comes into play and not every post is served to every person no matter what you do. I work in social media and can assure you that what I said is absolutely correct unless you have very few friends to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Can someone please tell me why anyone would want to have 5000 FB friends?

[Anonymous]

For what its worth, some people are not sincere with their condolences. Sure they see your post and if they respond, they may be doing so just to do it and move on about their day. Dont be quick to give so much credit to the posters who sent thoughts to you based on this premise.

The so-called person who you are keeping score on may not want to come across as phony and in turn doesnt say much, except to "like" your comment. I am a frequent poster and depending on the person, will send a personal note as oppose to just saying "sorry for you loss", cause I want them to know my thoughts are sincere. I feel bad whoever it is and depending how much I know them, I will just "like" it rather than be some lazy and phony person giving a generic comment.

In the end, I wouldnt put so much on this. You are grieving and worried about likes and comments on social media. Put it in that perspective and move on. Some people dont view social media as a platform to share such information, no matter how much they do share and you think that means they would make the same post if they lost a parent, or loved one.

[Anonymous]

When I die, I hope my kids aren't worried about social media condolences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I die, I hope my kids aren't worried about social media condolences.

YES!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they were uncomfortable doing so publicly. Or maybe they didn't see your post.

+1

She is on their friends list, but not in their news feed because they don't follow her.

Just unfollow them, OP. No need for drama.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they unfollowed you OP before your mothers passing. If you are the kind of friend who is always keeping score then maybe they did the polite thing and unfollowed your posts. So yes, they definitely may not have seen the news.

As others have said, I would definitely not post something so personal on Facebook, and your problem with your friend is one reason why. It would not be good FOR ME to be worrying about who posts condolences and who doesn't. That's why I also don't have my birthday listed. And I don't normally post people a happy birthday because I'm not Facebook enough. I just tell them belated birthday when I see them in person or if it's a good friend I already know their birthday and have communicated in real life.