When your friends live large and you feel like a loser . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- I was wallowing needlessly. And yes -- I DID change the non-relevant details though I'm fairly sure they aren't reading here.

I realize I have it pretty good too -- it's just when you see people who have always shirked work in a $4 million home that you'll never have no matter how hard you work, you wonder why you work so hard . . . . But I realize my financial decisions are my own and I'm in a 1 bedroom in NoVA after 10 yrs in biglaw + inhouse bc I'm probably too financially conservative and just haven't cared about real estate like others have. I've never felt "settled" career-wise -- went thru the early part of biglaw thinking, save as much as you can in case you get pushed out as a 3rd yr (my firm was big on culling the size of the class before promoting people to midlevels); then when I made it to being a senior it was -- save all you can, you likely won't make this much forever; then when it was moving here for in-house it was -- don't know if I'll like it here/like the job, so let's not commit too much financially. So maybe I need to change my own ways a bit . . . .

And obviously I realize that there's family money at play. As much as they act like they just went out there and bought the property they wanted . . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- I was wallowing needlessly. And yes -- I DID change the non-relevant details though I'm fairly sure they aren't reading here.

I realize I have it pretty good too -- it's just when you see people who have always shirked work in a $4 million home that you'll never have no matter how hard you work, you wonder why you work so hard . . . . But I realize my financial decisions are my own and I'm in a 1 bedroom in NoVA after 10 yrs in biglaw + inhouse bc I'm probably too financially conservative and just haven't cared about real estate like others have. I've never felt "settled" career-wise -- went thru the early part of biglaw thinking, save as much as you can in case you get pushed out as a 3rd yr (my firm was big on culling the size of the class before promoting people to midlevels); then when I made it to being a senior it was -- save all you can, you likely won't make this much forever; then when it was moving here for in-house it was -- don't know if I'll like it here/like the job, so let's not commit too much financially. So maybe I need to change my own ways a bit . . . .

I am the person who talked about being happy with what you have and not assuming that other people have some deep dark secret... it's just stuff, OP. In the end, it's utterly and completely meaningless. You mental state, your contentment or lack thereof, is way more important than the stuff you have. There will always be people who have more beautiful homes without having worked a day in their lives. So what? Why does it even matter? Do you think, sitting in some luxurious home is going to make you a happier person, or a better person? More likely than not, if you owned a $4 million home you'd probably feel the exact same way that you feel right now. I live in a house, I used to live in a 1 bedroom apartment. I really love my home and I really loved my tiny old apartment. But I can vouch that neither of them had much of an impact on my mental state. I'm the exact same person I was then. I have bad days and good days for virtually the same reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- I was wallowing needlessly. And yes -- I DID change the non-relevant details though I'm fairly sure they aren't reading here.

I realize I have it pretty good too -- it's just when you see people who have always shirked work in a $4 million home that you'll never have no matter how hard you work, you wonder why you work so hard . . . . But I realize my financial decisions are my own and I'm in a 1 bedroom in NoVA after 10 yrs in biglaw + inhouse bc I'm probably too financially conservative and just haven't cared about real estate like others have. I've never felt "settled" career-wise -- went thru the early part of biglaw thinking, save as much as you can in case you get pushed out as a 3rd yr (my firm was big on culling the size of the class before promoting people to midlevels); then when I made it to being a senior it was -- save all you can, you likely won't make this much forever; then when it was moving here for in-house it was -- don't know if I'll like it here/like the job, so let's not commit too much financially. So maybe I need to change my own ways a bit . . . .

I am the person who talked about being happy with what you have and not assuming that other people have some deep dark secret... it's just stuff, OP. In the end, it's utterly and completely meaningless. You mental state, your contentment or lack thereof, is way more important than the stuff you have. There will always be people who have more beautiful homes without having worked a day in their lives. So what? Why does it even matter? Do you think, sitting in some luxurious home is going to make you a happier person, or a better person? More likely than not, if you owned a $4 million home you'd probably feel the exact same way that you feel right now. I live in a house, I used to live in a 1 bedroom apartment. I really love my home and I really loved my tiny old apartment. But I can vouch that neither of them had much of an impact on my mental state. I'm the exact same person I was then. I have bad days and good days for virtually the same reasons.

OP here -- I get what you're saying. It's just stuff. And obviously I'm made decisions not to purchase a ton of stuff. But I guess I think -- doesn't contentment to some extent come from accomplishment? How could it not? So if I was living in a $4 million home -- would I be thinking -- wow all my hard work has been worth it, look at this home I got to buy??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- I was wallowing needlessly. And yes -- I DID change the non-relevant details though I'm fairly sure they aren't reading here.

I realize I have it pretty good too -- it's just when you see people who have always shirked work in a $4 million home that you'll never have no matter how hard you work, you wonder why you work so hard . . . . But I realize my financial decisions are my own and I'm in a 1 bedroom in NoVA after 10 yrs in biglaw + inhouse bc I'm probably too financially conservative and just haven't cared about real estate like others have. I've never felt "settled" career-wise -- went thru the early part of biglaw thinking, save as much as you can in case you get pushed out as a 3rd yr (my firm was big on culling the size of the class before promoting people to midlevels); then when I made it to being a senior it was -- save all you can, you likely won't make this much forever; then when it was moving here for in-house it was -- don't know if I'll like it here/like the job, so let's not commit too much financially. So maybe I need to change my own ways a bit . . . .

I am the person who talked about being happy with what you have and not assuming that other people have some deep dark secret... it's just stuff, OP. In the end, it's utterly and completely meaningless. You mental state, your contentment or lack thereof, is way more important than the stuff you have. There will always be people who have more beautiful homes without having worked a day in their lives. So what? Why does it even matter? Do you think, sitting in some luxurious home is going to make you a happier person, or a better person? More likely than not, if you owned a $4 million home you'd probably feel the exact same way that you feel right now. I live in a house, I used to live in a 1 bedroom apartment. I really love my home and I really loved my tiny old apartment. But I can vouch that neither of them had much of an impact on my mental state. I'm the exact same person I was then. I have bad days and good days for virtually the same reasons.

OP here -- I get what you're saying. It's just stuff. And obviously I'm made decisions not to purchase a ton of stuff. But I guess I think -- doesn't contentment to some extent come from accomplishment? How could it not? So if I was living in a $4 million home -- would I be thinking -- wow all my hard work has been worth it, look at this home I got to buy??

No. You'd be thinking how do I furnish this house to the standard it needs? Are the cleaning people doing a good job? Is the maintenance going well? Do I need a better car to match the better house? Etc etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- I was wallowing needlessly. And yes -- I DID change the non-relevant details though I'm fairly sure they aren't reading here.

I realize I have it pretty good too -- it's just when you see people who have always shirked work in a $4 million home that you'll never have no matter how hard you work, you wonder why you work so hard . . . . But I realize my financial decisions are my own and I'm in a 1 bedroom in NoVA after 10 yrs in biglaw + inhouse bc I'm probably too financially conservative and just haven't cared about real estate like others have. I've never felt "settled" career-wise -- went thru the early part of biglaw thinking, save as much as you can in case you get pushed out as a 3rd yr (my firm was big on culling the size of the class before promoting people to midlevels); then when I made it to being a senior it was -- save all you can, you likely won't make this much forever; then when it was moving here for in-house it was -- don't know if I'll like it here/like the job, so let's not commit too much financially. So maybe I need to change my own ways a bit . . . .

I am the person who talked about being happy with what you have and not assuming that other people have some deep dark secret... it's just stuff, OP. In the end, it's utterly and completely meaningless. You mental state, your contentment or lack thereof, is way more important than the stuff you have. There will always be people who have more beautiful homes without having worked a day in their lives. So what? Why does it even matter? Do you think, sitting in some luxurious home is going to make you a happier person, or a better person? More likely than not, if you owned a $4 million home you'd probably feel the exact same way that you feel right now. I live in a house, I used to live in a 1 bedroom apartment. I really love my home and I really loved my tiny old apartment. But I can vouch that neither of them had much of an impact on my mental state. I'm the exact same person I was then. I have bad days and good days for virtually the same reasons.

OP here -- I get what you're saying. It's just stuff. And obviously I'm made decisions not to purchase a ton of stuff. But I guess I think -- doesn't contentment to some extent come from accomplishment? How could it not? So if I was living in a $4 million home -- would I be thinking -- wow all my hard work has been worth it, look at this home I got to buy??

OP, I don't have a 4 million dollar home, so I don't know what that would feel like. I personally have a big distaste for spending money on luxuries or home maintenance, and I prefer simplicity. I have drive in my career and saving some money, but not for a larger, fancier home. I feel happy with what I have accomplished. If I accomplished more, I imagine I would be pretty pleased about that. I think that if you are happy with your accomplishments now, you would be happy with a fancy house that you earned or a hovel that you earned. It's more you and your temperament than what you actually accomplished.

There are some people who are never "happy" and always have a drive for bigger and better things. And they get those things, but they're never happy because they always jump to the next thing.

Other people have drive but can also find contentment when they need to.

[Anonymous]

I would envy my friends too if they had a place like this, but how can that make YOU a loser? Because you don't have $4M to spend on a home, you are a loser? No, you are just not as well-off as they are.

There are always going to be people who are richer, thinner, prettier, smarter that you are and there will be people who are less than you are. So what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If her family lives overseas it could be a family apartment/investment? Chinese or Indian?

Indian

I knew it! Parents usually pay for or at least give down payment for a couple's first home.

What? I'm married to an Indian-American man and his parents never gave us a penny! They are not poor either.

Me too. Damn! We married into the wrong families.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know lots of people like this in NYC. Some have family money propping them up and others are just living large. Overall, people in both camps are lacking in some aspect in their lives. It is a tough place to live and truly thrive. Nearly all the husbands are cheating or seriously contemplating cheating. Women are too busy working out and barely eating to keep the man while nannies raise children, who all are recreational drug users. One friend earns 600k and lives paycheck to paycheck. Husband cheats on her left and right while she's out slaving away to keep the money rolling in to maintain the luxury 2 bedroom apartment on the East side. I still envy their real estate but nothing beyond that because as I have grown up,I realize the quality of my suburban life is far nicer. Next time you are up there, really look at their lives closely and you will see huge holes. NYC friends of NYC friends are not deep friendships. It's really a messed up place. Here, I live very very well by DC standards but my NYC friends would shoot themselves if they woke up with my life. It's all smoke and mirrors up there. Be thankful that you got out of the scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know lots of people like this in NYC. Some have family money propping them up and others are just living large. Overall, people in both camps are lacking in some aspect in their lives. It is a tough place to live and truly thrive. Nearly all the husbands are cheating or seriously contemplating cheating. Women are too busy working out and barely eating to keep the man while nannies raise children, who all are recreational drug users. One friend earns 600k and lives paycheck to paycheck. Husband cheats on her left and right while she's out slaving away to keep the money rolling in to maintain the luxury 2 bedroom apartment on the East side. I still envy their real estate but nothing beyond that because as I have grown up,I realize the quality of my suburban life is far nicer. Next time you are up there, really look at their lives closely and you will see huge holes. NYC friends of NYC friends are not deep friendships. It's really a messed up place. Here, I live very very well by DC standards but my NYC friends would shoot themselves if they woke up with my life. It's all smoke and mirrors up there. Be thankful that you got out of the scene.

Yes. My friend just received a 12k bracelet for birthday from her husband. But they don't even own their own home. They live in a crappy rental and are all about appearances. They go to the best parties, high end clothing, ridiculously expensive jewelry etc. yet they are probably too good for the house we own. It's all a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know lots of people like this in NYC. Some have family money propping them up and others are just living large. Overall, people in both camps are lacking in some aspect in their lives. It is a tough place to live and truly thrive. Nearly all the husbands are cheating or seriously contemplating cheating. Women are too busy working out and barely eating to keep the man while nannies raise children, who all are recreational drug users. One friend earns 600k and lives paycheck to paycheck. Husband cheats on her left and right while she's out slaving away to keep the money rolling in to maintain the luxury 2 bedroom apartment on the East side. I still envy their real estate but nothing beyond that because as I have grown up,I realize the quality of my suburban life is far nicer. Next time you are up there, really look at their lives closely and you will see huge holes. NYC friends of NYC friends are not deep friendships. It's really a messed up place. Here, I live very very well by DC standards but my NYC friends would shoot themselves if they woke up with my life. It's all smoke and mirrors up there. Be thankful that you got out of the scene.

Yes. My friend just received a 12k bracelet for birthday from her husband. But they don't even own their own home. They live in a crappy rental and are all about appearances. They go to the best parties, high end clothing, ridiculously expensive jewelry etc. yet they are probably too good for the house we own. It's all a joke.

Wouldn't say it's ALL smoke and mirrors. There are professionals in NYC who only want to stay there so they buy themselves a "regular" 600k 1 bedroom and start working their way thru the mortgage for the next 30 yrs like anyone else. But yeah -- there's a LOT of smoke and mirrors too.

What I can't stand are the "friends" who mock me for leaving/where I live now. They are currently trying to figure out how to make a family of 3 or 4 fit into a 1 bedroom or how to stretch into a 2 bedroom bc they will NOT leave the city, while also figuring out how to swing private school -- and I'm supposed to tell them how noble all those sacrifices are. And yet after visiting me in Ballston (in a high rise - not a SFH), they tell me -- if I had to live here I'd shoot myself. While the apartment I live in now would easily rent for 6-7k in NYC and could house a family of 4, it's just "not worth it" bc you give up so much. When asked what I give up -- well I can't have dumplings delivered to me a 2 am. Uh ok -- I'm thinking about a mortgage and 401k, you're thinking about delivery options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know lots of people like this in NYC. Some have family money propping them up and others are just living large. Overall, people in both camps are lacking in some aspect in their lives. It is a tough place to live and truly thrive. Nearly all the husbands are cheating or seriously contemplating cheating. Women are too busy working out and barely eating to keep the man while nannies raise children, who all are recreational drug users. One friend earns 600k and lives paycheck to paycheck. Husband cheats on her left and right while she's out slaving away to keep the money rolling in to maintain the luxury 2 bedroom apartment on the East side. I still envy their real estate but nothing beyond that because as I have grown up,I realize the quality of my suburban life is far nicer. Next time you are up there, really look at their lives closely and you will see huge holes. NYC friends of NYC friends are not deep friendships. It's really a messed up place. Here, I live very very well by DC standards but my NYC friends would shoot themselves if they woke up with my life. It's all smoke and mirrors up there. Be thankful that you got out of the scene.

Yes. My friend just received a 12k bracelet for birthday from her husband. But they don't even own their own home. They live in a crappy rental and are all about appearances. They go to the best parties, high end clothing, ridiculously expensive jewelry etc. yet they are probably too good for the house we own. It's all a joke.

Wouldn't say it's ALL smoke and mirrors. There are professionals in NYC who only want to stay there so they buy themselves a "regular" 600k 1 bedroom and start working their way thru the mortgage for the next 30 yrs like anyone else. But yeah -- there's a LOT of smoke and mirrors too.

What I can't stand are the "friends" who mock me for leaving/where I live now. They are currently trying to figure out how to make a family of 3 or 4 fit into a 1 bedroom or how to stretch into a 2 bedroom bc they will NOT leave the city, while also figuring out how to swing private school -- and I'm supposed to tell them how noble all those sacrifices are. And yet after visiting me in Ballston (in a high rise - not a SFH), they tell me -- if I had to live here I'd shoot myself. While the apartment I live in now would easily rent for 6-7k in NYC and could house a family of 4, it's just "not worth it" bc you give up so much. When asked what I give up -- well I can't have dumplings delivered to me a 2 am. Uh ok -- I'm thinking about a mortgage and 401k, you're thinking about delivery options.

They are most likely insecure. The NY friends who knock me are the ones spending all of their money on rent, travel and dining out. My friends who own expensive apartments in the city and can truly afford to live there would never knock me.

New Yorkers love to throw out the delivery options. I am in my 30s and don't need unlimited delivery options. I ordered delivery when I was hungover in my 20s. There are enough delivery options in dc anyway that you can order food in if you need to do so. I understand your point about being able to fully fund your 401k and pay down your mortgage. I think the mindset in NY is such that there's way less focus on this kind of stuff and more focus on spending snd doing anything you can get your hands on.

[Anonymous]

They probably have family help. No way they could afford that based on the jobs they have. Someone will always be richer, don't even bother trying to keep up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They probably have family help. No way they could afford that based on the jobs they have. Someone will always be richer, don't even bother trying to keep up.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know lots of people like this in NYC. Some have family money propping them up and others are just living large. Overall, people in both camps are lacking in some aspect in their lives. It is a tough place to live and truly thrive. Nearly all the husbands are cheating or seriously contemplating cheating. Women are too busy working out and barely eating to keep the man while nannies raise children, who all are recreational drug users. One friend earns 600k and lives paycheck to paycheck. Husband cheats on her left and right while she's out slaving away to keep the money rolling in to maintain the luxury 2 bedroom apartment on the East side. I still envy their real estate but nothing beyond that because as I have grown up,I realize the quality of my suburban life is far nicer. Next time you are up there, really look at their lives closely and you will see huge holes. NYC friends of NYC friends are not deep friendships. It's really a messed up place. Here, I live very very well by DC standards but my NYC friends would shoot themselves if they woke up with my life. It's all smoke and mirrors up there. Be thankful that you got out of the scene.

Yes. My friend just received a 12k bracelet for birthday from her husband. But they don't even own their own home. They live in a crappy rental and are all about appearances. They go to the best parties, high end clothing, ridiculously expensive jewelry etc. yet they are probably too good for the house we own. It's all a joke.

She'd love him a lot less if he couldn't buy her that, so sad that's what it's like for couples up there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If her family lives overseas it could be a family apartment/investment? Chinese or Indian?

Indian

I knew it! Parents usually pay for or at least give down payment for a couple's first home.

What? I'm married to an Indian-American man and his parents never gave us a penny! They are not poor either.

Do they not approve of you?

They didn't like me at first (I'm not Indian) but they've warmed up to me over the years especially after having kids. Is that why they don't pay for anything?