Paying for adult children's vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see dh and me having a vacation cabin or beach house some day where our kids can join us with their families but still have lots of fun things to do on their own away from the house.

It would not be expected that they spend their vacations with us but every now and then would be wonderful. We'll be happy to watch the grandkids while they have a romantic night out.

My parents want to buy a vacation home and have this very idea. They also say we could use it whenever we want even when they aren't there. The problem is, DH and I would never ever pick that destination and will feel obligated to buy airline tickets for us and the kids occasionally go visit if they do this. We are encouraging them to do it only if they really want to enjoy it for themselves. Otherwise spend their money on lavish vacations and we would happily join them from time to time and pay our own way. My grown siblings don't even like to travel.

To answer OP, my siblings and I generally stopped after HS I went once in college but it was an anniversary special trip.

Hmm....I hope that my kids won't completely abandon me when I'm older and that they do spend some time with me. I would imagine that it would be less painful for them to spend their money on plane tickets to fly out to visit us at a nice vacation area. They would get to see us AND go someplace fun with entertainment/dining options plus free babysitting from the grandparents. Sounds like a deal to me .

How did you get abandoning my parents out of that post? We currently go to see them twice a year in their small town with nothing to do. I would rather not have them spend a good portion of their savings on a vacation property and instead go on vacation to different places, where we could join them and pay our own way. FYI my siblings live minutes from them and see them all the time.

Not everyone lives 5 minutes from their parents. Some people do have to travel to see their parents. Of course if you live close by and see them anyway then you have the luxury of traveling on vacation with them, if that is the way you want to spend your vacations.

I would love to have my own kids live close to me when they are older but I am well aware that that may not be in the cards. If they do live far away it might be nice for them to be able to visit us at a nice resort area rather than a typical house in the suburbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine vacationing with parents once you leave home. If there were some sort of once-off like a Grand Trip to Asia or a 50th Anniversary or a destination wedding, that's one thing. But routinely paying for your adult working children to vacation with you? That's insane and your kids are taking advantage of you, and you shouldn't offer.

I agree.

And on the flip side, it puts a lot of pressure and control over married children and their spouses who might rather do other things for vacation than spend all their days off travelling with the in laws.

It should definitely stop once your kids are married because whether your kid shares this with you or not, tyese vacations tend to put a lot of stress on marriages.

Once your kids are married you need to save these vacations for big, milestone events, NOT regular or yearly obligations.

Or, you know, some people like their parents and enjoy spending time with them. My husband and I like to vacation with my parents, because they are easy-going and fun.

That said, there's nothing obligatory about it--you can offer to pay if you really want your adult children to join you and you think money might be an obstacle, or you can simply invite them to join you. Either way, they should be, and feel, free to decline if they don't want to or there are other issues, like limited vacation time or children's school schedules. My parents used to pay for my vacations when I was in graduate school, because I had no money and they wanted me to join them. They subsidized vacations when I was just starting out in my first job and had limited funds. They no longer pay because my husband and I are working and can afford to pay, and they are retired. We've invited them to join us on our vacations, though, and paid for their lodging.

Would you say the same thing if your husband's parents were the ones requiring you to vacation with them every year? I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine vacationing with parents once you leave home. If there were some sort of once-off like a Grand Trip to Asia or a 50th Anniversary or a destination wedding, that's one thing. But routinely paying for your adult working children to vacation with you? That's insane and your kids are taking advantage of you, and you shouldn't offer.

I agree.

And on the flip side, it puts a lot of pressure and control over married children and their spouses who might rather do other things for vacation than spend all their days off travelling with the in laws.

It should definitely stop once your kids are married because whether your kid shares this with you or not, tyese vacations tend to put a lot of stress on marriages.

Once your kids are married you need to save these vacations for big, milestone events, NOT regular or yearly obligations.

Or, you know, some people like their parents and enjoy spending time with them. My husband and I like to vacation with my parents, because they are easy-going and fun.

That said, there's nothing obligatory about it--you can offer to pay if you really want your adult children to join you and you think money might be an obstacle, or you can simply invite them to join you. Either way, they should be, and feel, free to decline if they don't want to or there are other issues, like limited vacation time or children's school schedules. My parents used to pay for my vacations when I was in graduate school, because I had no money and they wanted me to join them. They subsidized vacations when I was just starting out in my first job and had limited funds. They no longer pay because my husband and I are working and can afford to pay, and they are retired. We've invited them to join us on our vacations, though, and paid for their lodging.

This. But at the very least, many people also have good enough relationships with their parents that they can say "look we have limited vacation so this year the 4 of us want to do just us to XYZ", good parents will understand. Shitty parents, well you probably have other issues too I'm guessing so just add this to the pile and move on. We do a week with my sister, step sister, and the kids and grandparents right now because the kids are little and it works out to go in September. It will probably change at some point but right now, its fun for us all, we all do our own things at times during the week and its just light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine vacationing with parents once you leave home. If there were some sort of once-off like a Grand Trip to Asia or a 50th Anniversary or a destination wedding, that's one thing. But routinely paying for your adult working children to vacation with you? That's insane and your kids are taking advantage of you, and you shouldn't offer.

I agree.

And on the flip side, it puts a lot of pressure and control over married children and their spouses who might rather do other things for vacation than spend all their days off travelling with the in laws.

It should definitely stop once your kids are married because whether your kid shares this with you or not, tyese vacations tend to put a lot of stress on marriages.

Once your kids are married you need to save these vacations for big, milestone events, NOT regular or yearly obligations.

Or, you know, some people like their parents and enjoy spending time with them. My husband and I like to vacation with my parents, because they are easy-going and fun.

That said, there's nothing obligatory about it--you can offer to pay if you really want your adult children to join you and you think money might be an obstacle, or you can simply invite them to join you. Either way, they should be, and feel, free to decline if they don't want to or there are other issues, like limited vacation time or children's school schedules. My parents used to pay for my vacations when I was in graduate school, because I had no money and they wanted me to join them. They subsidized vacations when I was just starting out in my first job and had limited funds. They no longer pay because my husband and I are working and can afford to pay, and they are retired. We've invited them to join us on our vacations, though, and paid for their lodging.

Would you say the same thing if your husband's parents were the ones requiring you to vacation with them every year? I doubt it.

PP above and my DH would actually say he prefers these trips to going to visit his family. Just because I think its easier with my family personality wise. But I am actually trying to get his mom to come sometime, she's really sweet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want/expect them to join you, it would be nice if you paid. If you don't want to pay, I think that's fine, but I wouldn't expect them to come along in that case.

+1

Yep.

My family occasionally offers. We frequently take them up on it, when we have the vacation time and no other vacation plans.

His parents never offer and never go anywhere that interests us, yet gets insulted when we don't go.

[Anonymous]

It's rare that we get to take a big family vacation anymore as each of our individual schedules don't match up anymore, but my parents still pay for everything whenever we do anything individually.

Just last week, my mom took me on a trip to the west coast, fully funded by the parentals. I decided to stay an extra week on my own (just because I was feeling lazy and wanted do bum around), and the second I even hinted at it, my dad booked everything and upgraded my hotel accommodations and beyond upgraded my rental car from a Volvo crossover to a Maserati, just so I could have some "extra" fun on my own. I never asked them for any of this, nor do I need them to do any of it as I can afford it on my own, but they enjoy doing it. In a few weeks, my mom will be taking my youngest sister to the Middle East for 2 weeks. Again, the trip will be fully funded by the parentals, and it will be luxury everything the entire time. Even if we begged and pleaded, there's no way they'd accept a penny from us or allow us to pay for anything - even a meal or a drink - while with them.

A few years back, my dad gave us 6 months notice to get our schedules straight, and said that he's planning a mini family reunion and he's picking Dubai as the destination for it. He paid for a huge 8 bedroom villa and it was our immediate family as well as several of his brothers and their families and two of my mom's sisters and their families. He not only footed the bill for the villa, but also for everyone's airfare, all meals, all purchases, everything (for eleven full days). He knew we wouldn't get a chance to do something like this very often, so he wanted to make it happen, and he did. It was one of the most amazing experiences and it's something I'd love to do one day in the future for my family and siblings. (The villa cost $25K and the vacation itself ended up costing $45-$55K) The last trip we went on as an immediate family, was a European cruise and vacation, and for a family of 5 and my dad's best friend joining us, the whole thing cost $22,500 - to do it the way my dad likes to do it.

At the end of the day, it really depends on your budget, your life, and what you can afford to do. Our lifestyle is rather grand and at no point do I envision my parents scaling any of this back we have grown up and are adults. If anything, they do even more now and go even harder with all that they do.

[Anonymous]

Op ~ why do you think there is "a certain" answer? It will be as different as each family is different.

[Anonymous]

If you want to set the agenda, pick the time/place, etc. then you pay.

[Anonymous]

I think OP can decide to do whatever makes sense.

Our situation is a bit funny. My parents pay for lodging for our family of four and my brother's family for one trip a year. It's fund, we all like the same stuff, same spending habits, cousins are same ages.
My In laws don't take vacation, despite having more money than all of us. They only will travel if someone else is putting them up and buying their food. We haven't traveled with them ever, it was be too awkward paying for their accommodations and food. So we just do visits once in awhile, and they sit around our house once a year.

[Anonymous]

Many parents will keep paying because at that point it becomes about them wanting to spend time with their kids and wanting to do this, if they can, of course. I think most parents, grandparents know that this is the way to spend time with kids and grand kids. It is up to you OP to know what you want to spend your money on. But then don't expect that kids will come, at that point they are doing it for you, and could visit you at your home for less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad still pays for a week long vacation rental for my siblings and me ( and our families) every year too. All of us kids are every comfortable and could afford the trips ourselves, but my Dad has never accepted money from us to cover our share of the hotel/vacation rental. Instead, my siblings and I try to insure that we cover all meals and extras while there, but those costs still don't equal our share of the accomadations. I think he does it, but he really likes having all of us together under one roof again and he is afraid we wouldn't all come every year if he didn't pay. Although everyone (including our spouses) enjoy the trip, I could see us deciding to not go some years in order to save for our own expensive trip or big ticket item.

This is exactly the same for me.

[Anonymous]

Once we had jobs, we invited our parents to join us for vacations and never let them pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's rare that we get to take a big family vacation anymore as each of our individual schedules don't match up anymore, but my parents still pay for everything whenever we do anything individually.

Just last week, my mom took me on a trip to the west coast, fully funded by the parentals. I decided to stay an extra week on my own (just because I was feeling lazy and wanted do bum around), and the second I even hinted at it, my dad booked everything and upgraded my hotel accommodations and beyond upgraded my rental car from a Volvo crossover to a Maserati, just so I could have some "extra" fun on my own. I never asked them for any of this, nor do I need them to do any of it as I can afford it on my own, but they enjoy doing it. In a few weeks, my mom will be taking my youngest sister to the Middle East for 2 weeks. Again, the trip will be fully funded by the parentals, and it will be luxury everything the entire time. Even if we begged and pleaded, there's no way they'd accept a penny from us or allow us to pay for anything - even a meal or a drink - while with them.

A few years back, my dad gave us 6 months notice to get our schedules straight, and said that he's planning a mini family reunion and he's picking Dubai as the destination for it. He paid for a huge 8 bedroom villa and it was our immediate family as well as several of his brothers and their families and two of my mom's sisters and their families. He not only footed the bill for the villa, but also for everyone's airfare, all meals, all purchases, everything (for eleven full days). He knew we wouldn't get a chance to do something like this very often, so he wanted to make it happen, and he did. It was one of the most amazing experiences and it's something I'd love to do one day in the future for my family and siblings. (The villa cost $25K and the vacation itself ended up costing $45-$55K) The last trip we went on as an immediate family, was a European cruise and vacation, and for a family of 5 and my dad's best friend joining us, the whole thing cost $22,500 - to do it the way my dad likes to do it.

At the end of the day, it really depends on your budget, your life, and what you can afford to do. Our lifestyle is rather grand and at no point do I envision my parents scaling any of this back we have grown up and are adults. If anything, they do even more now and go even harder with all that they do.

Wow your parents are loaded ?

[Anonymous]

My in-laws offer to pay, but they always want to pay/go wherever their other kid wants to go. We never have any say so we don't bother joining up. I can't see paying out of pocket to spend time with my in-laws at a vacation place. It's not exactly super relaxing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws offer to pay, but they always want to pay/go wherever their other kid wants to go. We never have any say so we don't bother joining up. I can't see paying out of pocket to spend time with my in-laws at a vacation place. It's not exactly super relaxing.

My FIL does this as well. He will pay, but it has to be all on his terms. And not only that, he keeps excluding my DD form his cruise vacations. For a while, it was "boys" only. Yes, he is 70, but calls men and himself boys. So, for a while DH went with with his Dad and brother, fine, but then he kept trying to get grandsons to come, his daughter who lives in the same town, sent her son, but then we found out that her DD went too, while FIL was going on and on with his rhetoric that it is "boys" only and my DD can't come because "girls" ruin everything. My DD would die to go and is a nice, nice kid. At that point my DH said, he is not coming, nor is my DS coming, our DD is part of our family and both go or none. Since then DH hasn't gone on any of the cruises. This was all done on his own accord without me suggesting anything. As we discussed at length in previous threads, many DHs can be pushovers when it comes to their controlling parents. I am happy to stay at home and let them all go without me. Honestly, the idea of my FIL making me a list of what to wear on his "cruise" gives me hives.