Paying for adult children's vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine vacationing with parents once you leave home. If there were some sort of once-off like a Grand Trip to Asia or a 50th Anniversary or a destination wedding, that's one thing. But routinely paying for your adult working children to vacation with you? That's insane and your kids are taking advantage of you, and you shouldn't offer.

I agree.

And on the flip side, it puts a lot of pressure and control over married children and their spouses who might rather do other things for vacation than spend all their days off travelling with the in laws.

It should definitely stop once your kids are married because whether your kid shares this with you or not, tyese vacations tend to put a lot of stress on marriages.

Once your kids are married you need to save these vacations for big, milestone events, NOT regular or yearly obligations.

Or, you know, some people like their parents and enjoy spending time with them. My husband and I like to vacation with my parents, because they are easy-going and fun.

That said, there's nothing obligatory about it--you can offer to pay if you really want your adult children to join you and you think money might be an obstacle, or you can simply invite them to join you. Either way, they should be, and feel, free to decline if they don't want to or there are other issues, like limited vacation time or children's school schedules. My parents used to pay for my vacations when I was in graduate school, because I had no money and they wanted me to join them. They subsidized vacations when I was just starting out in my first job and had limited funds. They no longer pay because my husband and I are working and can afford to pay, and they are retired. We've invited them to join us on our vacations, though, and paid for their lodging.

[Anonymous]

I think it would be a nice thing to do every few years and presented as a family reunion, but doing it annually is a bit much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see dh and me having a vacation cabin or beach house some day where our kids can join us with their families but still have lots of fun things to do on their own away from the house.

It would not be expected that they spend their vacations with us but every now and then would be wonderful. We'll be happy to watch the grandkids while they have a romantic night out.

My parents want to buy a vacation home and have this very idea. They also say we could use it whenever we want even when they aren't there. The problem is, DH and I would never ever pick that destination and will feel obligated to buy airline tickets for us and the kids occasionally go visit if they do this. We are encouraging them to do it only if they really want to enjoy it for themselves. Otherwise spend their money on lavish vacations and we would happily join them from time to time and pay our own way. My grown siblings don't even like to travel.

To answer OP, my siblings and I generally stopped after HS I went once in college but it was an anniversary special trip.

Hmm....I hope that my kids won't completely abandon me when I'm older and that they do spend some time with me. I would imagine that it would be less painful for them to spend their money on plane tickets to fly out to visit us at a nice vacation area. They would get to see us AND go someplace fun with entertainment/dining options plus free babysitting from the grandparents. Sounds like a deal to me .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see dh and me having a vacation cabin or beach house some day where our kids can join us with their families but still have lots of fun things to do on their own away from the house.

It would not be expected that they spend their vacations with us but every now and then would be wonderful. We'll be happy to watch the grandkids while they have a romantic night out.

My parents want to buy a vacation home and have this very idea. They also say we could use it whenever we want even when they aren't there. The problem is, DH and I would never ever pick that destination and will feel obligated to buy airline tickets for us and the kids occasionally go visit if they do this. We are encouraging them to do it only if they really want to enjoy it for themselves. Otherwise spend their money on lavish vacations and we would happily join them from time to time and pay our own way. My grown siblings don't even like to travel.

To answer OP, my siblings and I generally stopped after HS I went once in college but it was an anniversary special trip.

Hmm....I hope that my kids won't completely abandon me when I'm older and that they do spend some time with me. I would imagine that it would be less painful for them to spend their money on plane tickets to fly out to visit us at a nice vacation area. They would get to see us AND go someplace fun with entertainment/dining options plus free babysitting from the grandparents. Sounds like a deal to me .

The downside of buying a place is that if you are living there, chances are you will get a much smaller place than can accommodate adult children and a handful of grand kids. I have a good friend whose parents bought a condo in FL and are always trying to get her, her sister, spouses and 1 baby to come stay with them. It's a vacation place! And it also only has 2 bedrooms...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine vacationing with parents once you leave home. If there were some sort of once-off like a Grand Trip to Asia or a 50th Anniversary or a destination wedding, that's one thing. But routinely paying for your adult working children to vacation with you? That's insane and your kids are taking advantage of you, and you shouldn't offer.

I agree.

And on the flip side, it puts a lot of pressure and control over married children and their spouses who might rather do other things for vacation than spend all their days off travelling with the in laws.

It should definitely stop once your kids are married because whether your kid shares this with you or not, tyese vacations tend to put a lot of stress on marriages.

Once your kids are married you need to save these vacations for big, milestone events, NOT regular or yearly obligations.

+10000

Vacation time is so scarce, especially (for example) if someone works for themselves. And BTW, (for another example) OBX is *not* a vacation to many people. There are plenty of other places to see - and so little vacation time available, really. Your idea of vacation is not everyone's idea of vacation - I can't say it enough.

Once your children have their own families, they really would rather vacation with their new families, instead of falling into the old family dysfunction - even if they don't admit it to your face. Time to let the idea of extended family vacation go, once your children are married, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see dh and me having a vacation cabin or beach house some day where our kids can join us with their families but still have lots of fun things to do on their own away from the house.

It would not be expected that they spend their vacations with us but every now and then would be wonderful. We'll be happy to watch the grandkids while they have a romantic night out.

+1

My mom did this, too - it was great! IL's? Not so much.

[Anonymous]

Two of mine are 21 and 24. Through college they absolutely came on vacations with us. The 24 yr old is now in med school and it was clear he was hurt the first time we vacationed without him. Obviously he understood; it just hurt.

I think the kids will almost always be invited until they have their own families. Then we'll see if they want to come with us or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine vacationing with parents once you leave home. If there were some sort of once-off like a Grand Trip to Asia or a 50th Anniversary or a destination wedding, that's one thing. But routinely paying for your adult working children to vacation with you? That's insane and your kids are taking advantage of you, and you shouldn't offer.

I agree.

And on the flip side, it puts a lot of pressure and control over married children and their spouses who might rather do other things for vacation than spend all their days off travelling with the in laws.

It should definitely stop once your kids are married because whether your kid shares this with you or not, tyese vacations tend to put a lot of stress on marriages.

Once your kids are married you need to save these vacations for big, milestone events, NOT regular or yearly obligations.

Or, you know, some people like their parents and enjoy spending time with them. My husband and I like to vacation with my parents, because they are easy-going and fun.

That said, there's nothing obligatory about it--you can offer to pay if you really want your adult children to join you and you think money might be an obstacle, or you can simply invite them to join you. Either way, they should be, and feel, free to decline if they don't want to or there are other issues, like limited vacation time or children's school schedules. My parents used to pay for my vacations when I was in graduate school, because I had no money and they wanted me to join them. They subsidized vacations when I was just starting out in my first job and had limited funds. They no longer pay because my husband and I are working and can afford to pay, and they are retired. We've invited them to join us on our vacations, though, and paid for their lodging.

You mentioned your parents but did not mention your inlaws...

How would you feel if your inlaws planned a standing yearly vacation with them, staying in the same house, destination of their choice, which you felt obligated to attend because they insist on paying and it has been "their" tradition since your husband was in diapers?

What if it took up almost all of your vacation time each year so you were never able to take a family vacation separate on your own? What if was to the exact same location every single year? What if there was a big unspoken (or spoken) assumption that of course you will go because THIS is what OUR family does every year?

Your husband might think it is great to have a standing yearly vacation with your parents. Or he might just be keeping quiet so as not to rock the boat with your inlaws.

Keeping it to occassional big trips or trips for milestone events make it a treat. Making it a yearly expectation can really cause stress in the marriage, especially for the daughter or son in law.

[Anonymous]

My parents stopped after I graduated high school.

I have two younger brothers (one is 2 years younger, the other is 3.5 years younger--so the youngest was a high school freshman the same year I was a college freshman.)

The last family trip we took together was the summer between my junior and senior year of high school. We lived on the west coast and we went out to the East coast to visit family and also so I could visit a few colleges I was considering applying to. It was about 2 weeks total (visiting some relatives in Ohio and others in Massachusetts) and we stayed with family the whole time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad still pays for a week long vacation rental for my siblings and me ( and our families) every year too. All of us kids are every comfortable and could afford the trips ourselves, but my Dad has never accepted money from us to cover our share of the hotel/vacation rental. Instead, my siblings and I try to insure that we cover all meals and extras while there, but those costs still don't equal our share of the accomadations. I think he does it, but he really likes having all of us together under one roof again and he is afraid we wouldn't all come every year if he didn't pay. Although everyone (including our spouses) enjoy the trip, I could see us deciding to not go some years in order to save for our own expensive trip or big ticket item.

our family has a similar set up. My grandparents paid for a week in OBX. Their children's families would pitch in $xx per family for breakfast and lunch food. Each sibling family would make dinner one night during the week for the whole group. That family cleans up too. Now that my grandparents have passed, the siblings rent the house together except for one that doesn't come. The grandkids who can come have picked a meal night and will probably pick up more as they get married and have kids. The family has been vacationing that way for over 30 years.

[Anonymous]

My parents will sometimes pay for all of us to take a big trip together. It's because it would be really expensive for us to pay for ourselves and our kids- and we might not choose that spot or activity for ourselves.

My parents have the funds to treat everyone and if they want to take a big trip to Iceland or whatever and want the whole family to come - they are happy to have us all and happy to pay for it. They're getting older and I think they rrally love these trips with their kids and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want/expect them to join you, it would be nice if you paid. If you don't want to pay, I think that's fine, but I wouldn't expect them to come along in that case.

+1. I am 35 and my parents still occasionally pay for a family vacation, although now they tend to be long weekends attached to a family wedding or something like that, where we pay to get to the wedding and would attend either way. I don't think you have to pay for them anymore but if you want them to come you should pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see dh and me having a vacation cabin or beach house some day where our kids can join us with their families but still have lots of fun things to do on their own away from the house.

It would not be expected that they spend their vacations with us but every now and then would be wonderful. We'll be happy to watch the grandkids while they have a romantic night out.

My parents want to buy a vacation home and have this very idea. They also say we could use it whenever we want even when they aren't there. The problem is, DH and I would never ever pick that destination and will feel obligated to buy airline tickets for us and the kids occasionally go visit if they do this. We are encouraging them to do it only if they really want to enjoy it for themselves. Otherwise spend their money on lavish vacations and we would happily join them from time to time and pay our own way. My grown siblings don't even like to travel.

To answer OP, my siblings and I generally stopped after HS I went once in college but it was an anniversary special trip.

Hmm....I hope that my kids won't completely abandon me when I'm older and that they do spend some time with me. I would imagine that it would be less painful for them to spend their money on plane tickets to fly out to visit us at a nice vacation area. They would get to see us AND go someplace fun with entertainment/dining options plus free babysitting from the grandparents. Sounds like a deal to me .

How did you get abandoning my parents out of that post? We currently go to see them twice a year in their small town with nothing to do. I would rather not have them spend a good portion of their savings on a vacation property and instead go on vacation to different places, where we could join them and pay our own way. FYI my siblings live minutes from them and see them all the time.

[Anonymous]

One more thing, I love my family but we would definitely need separate condos or something. The kids are getting bigger and all of us in a 2 bedroom for a week would be a little much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see dh and me having a vacation cabin or beach house some day where our kids can join us with their families but still have lots of fun things to do on their own away from the house.

It would not be expected that they spend their vacations with us but every now and then would be wonderful. We'll be happy to watch the grandkids while they have a romantic night out.

My parents want to buy a vacation home and have this very idea. They also say we could use it whenever we want even when they aren't there. The problem is, DH and I would never ever pick that destination and will feel obligated to buy airline tickets for us and the kids occasionally go visit if they do this. We are encouraging them to do it only if they really want to enjoy it for themselves. Otherwise spend their money on lavish vacations and we would happily join them from time to time and pay our own way. My grown siblings don't even like to travel.

To answer OP, my siblings and I generally stopped after HS I went once in college but it was an anniversary special trip.

Hmm....I hope that my kids won't completely abandon me when I'm older and that they do spend some time with me. I would imagine that it would be less painful for them to spend their money on plane tickets to fly out to visit us at a nice vacation area. They would get to see us AND go someplace fun with entertainment/dining options plus free babysitting from the grandparents. Sounds like a deal to me .

The downside of buying a place is that if you are living there, chances are you will get a much smaller place than can accommodate adult children and a handful of grand kids. I have a good friend whose parents bought a condo in FL and are always trying to get her, her sister, spouses and 1 baby to come stay with them. It's a vacation place! And it also only has 2 bedrooms...

I think a beach house or a cabin not a condo. I've lived in apartments before and I'm not as enamored with that lifestyle as others seem to be. But maybe I'll change my tune as I get older.