My married daughter seems headed for disaster. Help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be more concerned about her personality having cost her several jobs.

This.

[Anonymous]

If you, as a mother, or he, as a husband, can't sit down and have an honest, loving conversation about your concern for her mental and physical help, what good are you?

That is what family is for. Honest conversations, support and help.

[Anonymous]

I'd be more worried about her personality shift. Maybe she is depressed. I don't think OP mentioned how long the weight gain took- 75 lbs (if that's accurate) over 10 years is a lot but not incrementally.

Now if there was a history of her being a size 0 to 'land a man' and that's something that's encouraged by the familial dynamic/OP, then that's an issue. It just means she got back to where her body wants or needs to be after starving. Lots of women engage in this practice across generations. And if that's where you derive your value, then gaining weight is in essence throwing away your currency - which would scare the sh!t out of the Mom. I had a (female) friend whose Mom continued smoking well into the years that we knew it was terrible for you just to avoid getting fat. It doesn't seem to adversely impact my friend, from what I can tell. She's always been about the same size. The brother now has an overweight (very pretty) wife, and it makes me smile every time I see her picture, because it tells me that the cycle has been broken.

[Anonymous]

Violation of the marriage contract if you ask me.

I would first like to address this pp. In my marriage vows we said "for better or worse, sicker or poorer to death due us part" We did not say anything about unless you gain weight...lol.

Now for the OP:

Your daughter is an adult. Keep repeating that over and over when you want to say anything. Yes, you care and you said your peace. Did it do any good? Probably not. Offer to help babysit or clean the house but do not mention her weight anymore. She knows you think she is fat but you can not do it for her. My dad quit smoking only when he got cancer. No matter how much we begged and pleaded he could/would not quit.

My mom nags me about my weight and I know I need to lose it. But, I don't need her to tell me. It makes me very angry when she does this, but I can't say anything or she gets mad. Please if you want a good relationship with your daughter than you will have to stop nagging. Also, don't bring up so and so was fat and lost so much weight. My Mom does this and it is not subtle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I go through this with my mother, and she posts on another website that my marriage is "headed for disaster" -- not because I'm overweight, but because I have a special needs child. She worries obsessively that I'm going to divorce and constantly quotes statistics about marriages with special needs children 80% of the time ending in divorce. (All the while claiming to adore my child, of course.)

I'm not sure what mothers like this want from their daughters, except for an outlet for their obsessive anxiety. They seem almost disappointed that the daughters' marriages are not in ruins so that they can be the focus of their daughters' lives.

Yep, my mom was like this too. Surprising thing was..all the marriages she thought were solid were headed for divorce, and my dh and I are just fine.

If the op wants to talk to her dad about weight gain she should, but it is ultimately none of her business and is totally her daughter's concern. I do know comments and talks my mom gave me about my weight only made me more stressed and prone to eat junk to relieve the stress. My dr and I finally figured out the medical reason for my weight gain, and in addition, i have various food allergies and intolerances.

So if you are really concerned for your daughter, recommend she go see an integrative physician and be thoroughly checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I go through this with my mother, and she posts on another website that my marriage is "headed for disaster" -- not because I'm overweight, but because I have a special needs child. She worries obsessively that I'm going to divorce and constantly quotes statistics about marriages with special needs children 80% of the time ending in divorce. (All the while claiming to adore my child, of course.)

I'm not sure what mothers like this want from their daughters, except for an outlet for their obsessive anxiety. They seem almost disappointed that the daughters' marriages are not in ruins so that they can be the focus of their daughters' lives.

+1, my mom does it too for variety of reasons and it gets old. Leave her alone or she will pull away from your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you, as a mother, or he, as a husband, can't sit down and have an honest, loving conversation about your concern for her mental and physical help, what good are you?

That is what family is for. Honest conversations, support and help.

You can do this ONCE. You can gently express concern over a rapid change in weight ONCE. After that, no it's not what families are for. If the DD was a smoker, sure you can mention you'd like her to quit, but if she didn't want to, THAT'S HER CHOICE. So is being fat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you, as a mother, or he, as a husband, can't sit down and have an honest, loving conversation about your concern for her mental and physical help, what good are you?

That is what family is for. Honest conversations, support and help.

You can do this ONCE. You can gently express concern over a rapid change in weight ONCE. After that, no it's not what families are for. If the DD was a smoker, sure you can mention you'd like her to quit, but if she didn't want to, THAT'S HER CHOICE. So is being fat.

OP isn't going to have one conversation. OP is going to browbeat her daughter until the daughter obeys OP and lives her life the way OP tells her to.

[Anonymous]

My mother told me I should have gastric bypass because my weight is out of control. I run 5K's every weekend, am losing weight safely through a medical program and in combination with therapy. I'm doing fine. On the other hand, my mother has a severely restricted diet that at one point consisted of two packages of M and M's per day and nothing else. Lots of thin people and fat people are extremely irrational about their weight, have weird little rituals, strange beliefs and body image issues.

One thing I have learned is that being thin doesn't automatically give you the right to be a diet expert or to tell others what is wrong with them or how to fix it. You likely have just as much weird baggage about your weight as the fat people do and you are probably also operating from a place of psychological weirdness based on unexamined issues and experiences from your childhood and adult life.

I'm starting to wonder if anyone has a healthy relationship with food and healthy body image. Spend a lot of time at a crossfit gym and I think different groups might just have different types of hang ups about their bodies and food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on let's be real here. A man who married a woman at size 0 isn't going to be happy that she's an 18 now. Yes there are chubby chasers out there but someone who married a woman at 0 probably isn't one of them. Just being realistic. If she was working and earning her own money and could support herself and children (with some child support), that would be a different story. But that's not what the OP described.

Exactly. Remember the cushy life that OP described:

Anonymous wrote:DDis a SAHM with two sweet little boys and a husband who has provided everything, home, clubs, cruises, cars etc. She has gone from size 0 to 18 in seven years and has a prickly personality that cost her several jobs.

Wow. SAHM, with not just a home and cars, but "clubs" and "cruises" as well. And she was a size zero and has gone up to 18 in just seven years?

That means OP's son-in-law has serious market value; he's loaded and a real catch.

I knew a guy in this kind of position. He was so brilliant, a star in our field, kindhearted, generous, and a wonderful father. And yes, he was very easy on the eyes . But he was married, and that was that.

Then his wife came to the firm's Christmas party, and I was absolutely shocked. She was much like what the OP describes her DD to be. Snide, rude, snobbish, and FAT. It was absolutely ludicrous to see how she acted, and how she treated everyone. But the way she treated ME was absolutely outrageous. I know as a, shall we say, "non-partner" you're not supposed to cross swords with a partner's spouse (never mind a partner). But when she denigrated my sideline job (I'm a pro sports team cheerleader), I looked her in the eye and told her there was no way I was going to stand for her treating me AND my friends in that area so dismissively, no matter WHAT the cost to my career. I then turned and walked out of the party.

He came in that Saturday (we both had litigation heading toward trial) and apologized to me for his wife. We got to talking, and I treated BOTH of them with compassion. That seemed to take him off-guard, and he told me all about how his wife had been in the sister sorority to his fraternity. He said she had been thin and lovely UNTIL they got married. He said he didn't know who she was, and that he was so grateful to me for being so forgiving and understanding, and how much he respected me.

Here's the thing. The rule I had about staying away from married men. This was the exception, after I got a load of her. I walked out having decided that I was going to have her husband.

So over the next couple of months we would go get coffee, or a bite to eat together as we worked late on our cases. I made sure I dressed a little sexier, wore heels a little higher, etc. Then as our schedules freed up he arranged to have me assigned to a case he was on. At that point it was only a matter of time.

That time came when we had to travel to a settlement conference on the West Coast. We were able to settle, and it was time to celebrate. I told him I'd meet him at the steakhouse near the hotel, and to get us a table as I needed to call sick Aunt to wish her a happy birthday (a little white lie ).

I walked in, and not just his but EVERY man's jaw dropped. Well, that's what happens when you're a pro sports cheerleader, all dolled-up wearing a "West Coast Leather" minidress and a pair of Louboutins as you strut through the restaurant. I played to his ego, praised him for being such a lovely person, and told him how joyful I was that we had the chance to go to a club together afterward.

We did so, and I really draped myself over him at said club, as a man with a shrew like his wife will die at being the envy of every man at a place like that. After a while I told him I had to use the restroom, and when I did so I removed my, well, you can guess. I then came back out and gave him the first kiss--a hot, deep, wet one right on the edge of the dance floor. He responded as I knew he would, and it was on.

We extended the trip a couple of days, and then came home. He got his affairs ( ) in order, and served his wife with divorce papers by the end of the week. We got married as soon as the divorce was final, and have full custody of the two kids since she's such a shrew and, you know, I'm a SAHM now!

So yeah, OP, in other words, your DD needs to get her s*** together.

[Anonymous]

Depression and obesity are common issues in my family. So when my father, who hadn't seen me for a year saw that I'd gained weight, he didn't beat around the bush he said, "what happened"?. Completely insensitive and it made me feel bad but I couldn't lie to myself anymore. Most people will do anything to avoid telling you that you got really fat. I gained 50 pounds and was in denial but that made me realize I needed to prioritize working on my weight. I did and I lost 40 of it and stayed there.

I think you can say something once, so make it good . It does effect how active she can be with her kids, her health and the weight plus her snippy attitude seem to indicate she is deeply unhappy. I would definitely talk to her about it. Once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Come on let's be real here. A man who married a woman at size 0 isn't going to be happy that she's an 18 now. Yes there are chubby chasers out there but someone who married a woman at 0 probably isn't one of them. Just being realistic. If she was working and earning her own money and could support herself and children (with some child support), that would be a different story. But that's not what the OP described.

Exactly. Remember the cushy life that OP described:

Anonymous wrote:DDis a SAHM with two sweet little boys and a husband who has provided everything, home, clubs, cruises, cars etc. She has gone from size 0 to 18 in seven years and has a prickly personality that cost her several jobs.

Wow. SAHM, with not just a home and cars, but "clubs" and "cruises" as well. And she was a size zero and has gone up to 18 in just seven years?

That means OP's son-in-law has serious market value; he's loaded and a real catch.

I knew a guy in this kind of position. He was so brilliant, a star in our field, kindhearted, generous, and a wonderful father. And yes, he was very easy on the eyes . But he was married, and that was that.

Then his wife came to the firm's Christmas party, and I was absolutely shocked. She was much like what the OP describes her DD to be. Snide, rude, snobbish, and FAT. It was absolutely ludicrous to see how she acted, and how she treated everyone. But the way she treated ME was absolutely outrageous. I know as a, shall we say, "non-partner" you're not supposed to cross swords with a partner's spouse (never mind a partner). But when she denigrated my sideline job (I'm a pro sports team cheerleader), I looked her in the eye and told her there was no way I was going to stand for her treating me AND my friends in that area so dismissively, no matter WHAT the cost to my career. I then turned and walked out of the party.

He came in that Saturday (we both had litigation heading toward trial) and apologized to me for his wife. We got to talking, and I treated BOTH of them with compassion. That seemed to take him off-guard, and he told me all about how his wife had been in the sister sorority to his fraternity. He said she had been thin and lovely UNTIL they got married. He said he didn't know who she was, and that he was so grateful to me for being so forgiving and understanding, and how much he respected me.

Here's the thing. The rule I had about staying away from married men. This was the exception, after I got a load of her. I walked out having decided that I was going to have her husband.

So over the next couple of months we would go get coffee, or a bite to eat together as we worked late on our cases. I made sure I dressed a little sexier, wore heels a little higher, etc. Then as our schedules freed up he arranged to have me assigned to a case he was on. At that point it was only a matter of time.

That time came when we had to travel to a settlement conference on the West Coast. We were able to settle, and it was time to celebrate. I told him I'd meet him at the steakhouse near the hotel, and to get us a table as I needed to call sick Aunt to wish her a happy birthday (a little white lie ).

I walked in, and not just his but EVERY man's jaw dropped. Well, that's what happens when you're a pro sports cheerleader, all dolled-up wearing a "West Coast Leather" minidress and a pair of Louboutins as you strut through the restaurant. I played to his ego, praised him for being such a lovely person, and told him how joyful I was that we had the chance to go to a club together afterward.

We did so, and I really draped myself over him at said club, as a man with a shrew like his wife will die at being the envy of every man at a place like that. After a while I told him I had to use the restroom, and when I did so I removed my, well, you can guess. I then came back out and gave him the first kiss--a hot, deep, wet one right on the edge of the dance floor. He responded as I knew he would, and it was on.

We extended the trip a couple of days, and then came home. He got his affairs ( ) in order, and served his wife with divorce papers by the end of the week. We got married as soon as the divorce was final, and have full custody of the two kids since she's such a shrew and, you know, I'm a SAHM now!

So yeah, OP, in other words, your DD needs to get her s*** together.

Looks like someone's been watching a little too much Lifetime: Television for Women. Lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Come on let's be real here. A man who married a woman at size 0 isn't going to be happy that she's an 18 now. Yes there are chubby chasers out there but someone who married a woman at 0 probably isn't one of them. Just being realistic. If she was working and earning her own money and could support herself and children (with some child support), that would be a different story. But that's not what the OP described.

Exactly. Remember the cushy life that OP described:

Anonymous wrote:DDis a SAHM with two sweet little boys and a husband who has provided everything, home, clubs, cruises, cars etc. She has gone from size 0 to 18 in seven years and has a prickly personality that cost her several jobs.

Wow. SAHM, with not just a home and cars, but "clubs" and "cruises" as well. And she was a size zero and has gone up to 18 in just seven years?

That means OP's son-in-law has serious market value; he's loaded and a real catch.

I knew a guy in this kind of position. He was so brilliant, a star in our field, kindhearted, generous, and a wonderful father. And yes, he was very easy on the eyes . But he was married, and that was that.

Then his wife came to the firm's Christmas party, and I was absolutely shocked. She was much like what the OP describes her DD to be. Snide, rude, snobbish, and FAT. It was absolutely ludicrous to see how she acted, and how she treated everyone. But the way she treated ME was absolutely outrageous. I know as a, shall we say, "non-partner" you're not supposed to cross swords with a partner's spouse (never mind a partner). But when she denigrated my sideline job (I'm a pro sports team cheerleader), I looked her in the eye and told her there was no way I was going to stand for her treating me AND my friends in that area so dismissively, no matter WHAT the cost to my career. I then turned and walked out of the party.

He came in that Saturday (we both had litigation heading toward trial) and apologized to me for his wife. We got to talking, and I treated BOTH of them with compassion. That seemed to take him off-guard, and he told me all about how his wife had been in the sister sorority to his fraternity. He said she had been thin and lovely UNTIL they got married. He said he didn't know who she was, and that he was so grateful to me for being so forgiving and understanding, and how much he respected me.

Here's the thing. The rule I had about staying away from married men. This was the exception, after I got a load of her. I walked out having decided that I was going to have her husband.

So over the next couple of months we would go get coffee, or a bite to eat together as we worked late on our cases. I made sure I dressed a little sexier, wore heels a little higher, etc. Then as our schedules freed up he arranged to have me assigned to a case he was on. At that point it was only a matter of time.

That time came when we had to travel to a settlement conference on the West Coast. We were able to settle, and it was time to celebrate. I told him I'd meet him at the steakhouse near the hotel, and to get us a table as I needed to call sick Aunt to wish her a happy birthday (a little white lie ).

I walked in, and not just his but EVERY man's jaw dropped. Well, that's what happens when you're a pro sports cheerleader, all dolled-up wearing a "West Coast Leather" minidress and a pair of Louboutins as you strut through the restaurant. I played to his ego, praised him for being such a lovely person, and told him how joyful I was that we had the chance to go to a club together afterward.

We did so, and I really draped myself over him at said club, as a man with a shrew like his wife will die at being the envy of every man at a place like that. After a while I told him I had to use the restroom, and when I did so I removed my, well, you can guess. I then came back out and gave him the first kiss--a hot, deep, wet one right on the edge of the dance floor. He responded as I knew he would, and it was on.

We extended the trip a couple of days, and then came home. He got his affairs ( ) in order, and served his wife with divorce papers by the end of the week. We got married as soon as the divorce was final, and have full custody of the two kids since she's such a shrew and, you know, I'm a SAHM now!

So yeah, OP, in other words, your DD needs to get her s*** together.

Wow. That was a lot you just unloaded on this thread. She was mean to you one time and put down cheer leading (many people think that is a silly activity). You are horrible for about 18 different reasons. And you're pretty gross. Take your advice and get your s**** together.

[Anonymous]

My mom has told me when I have gotten fat. I've realized I was fat already, but its a wake up call to hear it out loud from someone who knows you. For me, it is actually motivating to get off my fat ass and get my shit under control.

[Anonymous]

I knew a guy in this kind of position. He was so brilliant, a star in our field, kindhearted, generous, and a wonderful father. And yes, he was very easy on the eyes . But he was married, and that was that.

Then his wife came to the firm's Christmas party, and I was absolutely shocked. She was much like what the OP describes her DD to be. Snide, rude, snobbish, and FAT. It was absolutely ludicrous to see how she acted, and how she treated everyone. But the way she treated ME was absolutely outrageous. I know as a, shall we say, "non-partner" you're not supposed to cross swords with a partner's spouse (never mind a partner). But when she denigrated my sideline job (I'm a pro sports team cheerleader), I looked her in the eye and told her there was no way I was going to stand for her treating me AND my friends in that area so dismissively, no matter WHAT the cost to my career. I then turned and walked out of the party.

He came in that Saturday (we both had litigation heading toward trial) and apologized to me for his wife. We got to talking, and I treated BOTH of them with compassion. That seemed to take him off-guard, and he told me all about how his wife had been in the sister sorority to his fraternity. He said she had been thin and lovely UNTIL they got married. He said he didn't know who she was, and that he was so grateful to me for being so forgiving and understanding, and how much he respected me.

Here's the thing. The rule I had about staying away from married men. This was the exception, after I got a load of her. I walked out having decided that I was going to have her husband.

So over the next couple of months we would go get coffee, or a bite to eat together as we worked late on our cases. I made sure I dressed a little sexier, wore heels a little higher, etc. Then as our schedules freed up he arranged to have me assigned to a case he was on. At that point it was only a matter of time.

That time came when we had to travel to a settlement conference on the West Coast. We were able to settle, and it was time to celebrate. I told him I'd meet him at the steakhouse near the hotel, and to get us a table as I needed to call sick Aunt to wish her a happy birthday (a little white lie ).

I walked in, and not just his but EVERY man's jaw dropped. Well, that's what happens when you're a pro sports cheerleader, all dolled-up wearing a "West Coast Leather" minidress and a pair of Louboutins as you strut through the restaurant. I played to his ego, praised him for being such a lovely person, and told him how joyful I was that we had the chance to go to a club together afterward.

We did so, and I really draped myself over him at said club, as a man with a shrew like his wife will die at being the envy of every man at a place like that. After a while I told him I had to use the restroom, and when I did so I removed my, well, you can guess. I then came back out and gave him the first kiss--a hot, deep, wet one right on the edge of the dance floor. He responded as I knew he would, and it was on.

We extended the trip a couple of days, and then came home. He got his affairs ( ) in order, and served his wife with divorce papers by the end of the week. We got married as soon as the divorce was final, and have full custody of the two kids since she's such a shrew and, you know, I'm a SAHM now!

So yeah, OP, in other words, your DD needs to get her s*** together.

Wow! You are a piece of work. I hope someday karma gets you. His wife may not have been perfect but, you are evil. Taking her children away, too? How can you live with yourself? For shame!