My married daughter seems headed for disaster. Help.

[Anonymous]

DDis a SAHM with two sweet little boys and a husband who has provided everything, home, clubs, cruises, cars etc. She has gone from size 0 to 18 in seven years and has a prickly personality that cost her several jobs. She objects to any hint their marriage may be affected by her weight. He won't level with her but is clearly withdrawing (he used t post pix of them together, no more). Anything I say just seems to make her eating worse. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DDis a SAHM with two sweet little boys and a husband who has provided everything, home, clubs, cruises, cars etc. She has gone from size 0 to 18 in seven years and has a prickly personality that cost her several jobs. She objects to any hint their marriage may be affected by her weight. He won't level with her but is clearly withdrawing (he used t post pix of them together, no more). Anything I say just seems to make her eating worse. Any suggestions?

Has husband told her that her weight is affected my their marriage? Whether he has or hasnt, it's THEIR business. Big mistake to make it yours.

My father's been dead a couple of years, but I stopped speaking to him four years before that after he offered me money, in front of my husband, to lose weight. And no, I still don't regret that decision. It was just a few months after I'd had a a baby at 40 and I think I screamed something by about that, but I don't remember.

If you want to help, have a conversation about what she needs. Let her tell you. Start with babysitting her kids (or paying for one) while she takes some time for herself to don't whatever she wants. But don't in any way hint, probe or push weight loss on her as something that's ruining her life. You will ruin your relationship with her, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Her marriage is headed for disaster because of her weight? He won't "level" with her? He's clearly withdrawing because he doesn't post pictures any more?

Could you possibly project any more? You sound like a dreadful person. Seriously. If you can't deal with your daughter's weight, get therapy.

[Anonymous]

0 to 18 is no joke and I can completely understand why the husband would be withdrawing. A mother's job is to be concerned for her children. Maybe it shouldn't be couched as "your weight is affecting you me marriage" but I certainly think Mom has a right to bring it up in the context of health.

This is not just "baby weight." If I were the husband I'd be acting the same way OP says he is. It's not 10 or 20 extra pounds. It's obese, people. Violation of the marriage contract if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

Your* marriage. Mobile keyboards!

[Anonymous]

He may not have "pix" to post, as people who gave gained weight sometimes tend to avoid the camera for that reason.

If yore stressing her out so much, why not try some empathy, get your nose out of her business a little and trust that the daughter you raised is smart enough to handle her own affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:0 to 18 is no joke and I can completely understand why the husband would be withdrawing. A mother's job is to be concerned for her children. Maybe it shouldn't be couched as "your weight is affecting you me marriage" but I certainly think Mom has a right to bring it up in the context of health.

This is not just "baby weight." If I were the husband I'd be acting the same way OP says he is. It's not 10 or 20 extra pounds. It's obese, people. Violation of the marriage contract if you ask me.

You're right. Marriage vows apply only when a woman stays below a size six.

OP, instead of judging your daughter, maybe find some way to help her. If you live nearby offer to watch the kids so they can have date night. Get her a spa day. Suggest therapy. Anything instead of what you're doing, in fact.

[Anonymous]

And you know how that she has gone from a size 0 to size 18? Because you go through her closet?

[Anonymous]

Not your problem to solve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:0 to 18 is no joke and I can completely understand why the husband would be withdrawing. A mother's job is to be concerned for her children. Maybe it shouldn't be couched as "your weight is affecting you me marriage" but I certainly think Mom has a right to bring it up in the context of health.

This is not just "baby weight." If I were the husband I'd be acting the same way OP says he is. It's not 10 or 20 extra pounds. It's obese, people. Violation of the marriage contract if you ask me.

Oh yes, because the daughter will never have heard that being overweight is bad for her health. It will be entirely new information for her. Roll eyes.

The daughter is not a child. She is a woman, a mother, who has gained weight during childbearing. End of story. Her marriage is not "headed for disaster" -- from what OP describes, she is much beloved and showered with all possible indicia of her husband's adoration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DDis a SAHM with two sweet little boys and a husband who has provided everything, home, clubs, cruises, cars etc. She has gone from size 0 to 18 in seven years and has a prickly personality that cost her several jobs. She objects to any hint their marriage may be affected by her weight. He won't level with her but is clearly withdrawing (he used t post pix of them together, no more). Anything I say just seems to make her eating worse. Any suggestions?

Has husband told her that her weight is affected my their marriage? Whether he has or hasnt, it's THEIR business. Big mistake to make it yours.

My father's been dead a couple of years, but I stopped speaking to him four years before that after he offered me money, in front of my husband, to lose weight. And no, I still don't regret that decision. It was just a few months after I'd had a a baby at 40 and I think I screamed something by about that, but I don't remember.

If you want to help, have a conversation about what she needs. Let her tell you. Start with babysitting her kids (or paying for one) while she takes some time for herself to don't whatever she wants. But don't in any way hint, probe or push weight loss on her as something that's ruining her life. You will ruin your relationship with her, I promise.

that was not a nice thing for him to say, but a relationship ender? You are tough.

[Anonymous]

I'd definitely intervene. That's a huge weight gain.

[Anonymous]

I go through this with my mother, and she posts on another website that my marriage is "headed for disaster" -- not because I'm overweight, but because I have a special needs child. She worries obsessively that I'm going to divorce and constantly quotes statistics about marriages with special needs children 80% of the time ending in divorce. (All the while claiming to adore my child, of course.)

I'm not sure what mothers like this want from their daughters, except for an outlet for their obsessive anxiety. They seem almost disappointed that the daughters' marriages are not in ruins so that they can be the focus of their daughters' lives.

[Anonymous]

Mom she is an adult now, if you believe heading the wrong sometimes it's best to leave it alone let her make her mistakes and learn from it. People don't change because you tell them too, they change when they want to. Don't even give her any any advise until she comes to you for help.

Is the husband a beta male or something. Is he scared of her? Why isn't he communicating his concerns to her instead of you? If he was repulsed by her weight I'm sure he would be cheating on her or divorced her. Seems like if they divorced it's because of poor communication between both of them and not her weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DDis a SAHM with two sweet little boys and a husband who has provided everything, home, clubs, cruises, cars etc. She has gone from size 0 to 18 in seven years and has a prickly personality that cost her several jobs. She objects to any hint their marriage may be affected by her weight. He won't level with her but is clearly withdrawing (he used t post pix of them together, no more). Anything I say just seems to make her eating worse. Any suggestions?

Has husband told her that her weight is affected my their marriage? Whether he has or hasnt, it's THEIR business. Big mistake to make it yours.

My father's been dead a couple of years, but I stopped speaking to him four years before that after he offered me money, in front of my husband, to lose weight. And no, I still don't regret that decision. It was just a few months after I'd had a a baby at 40 and I think I screamed something by about that, but I don't remember.

If you want to help, have a conversation about what she needs. Let her tell you. Start with babysitting her kids (or paying for one) while she takes some time for herself to don't whatever she wants. But don't in any way hint, probe or push weight loss on her as something that's ruining her life. You will ruin your relationship with her, I promise.

Obviously there was other stuff going on in your relationship with your father. I'm sure that one comment didn't send you over the edge like that, so if OP has any sort of stable relationship with her daughter one weight comment is not going to ruin anything.