My married daughter seems headed for disaster. Help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I go through this with my mother, and she posts on another website that my marriage is "headed for disaster" -- not because I'm overweight, but because I have a special needs child. She worries obsessively that I'm going to divorce and constantly quotes statistics about marriages with special needs children 80% of the time ending in divorce. (All the while claiming to adore my child, of course.)

I'm not sure what mothers like this want from their daughters, except for an outlet for their obsessive anxiety. They seem almost disappointed that the daughters' marriages are not in ruins so that they can be the focus of their daughters' lives.

Omg why does she think bothering you about this and stressing you out helps you at all?
You have to get momma back on track here - she's being really destructive. You need support and stress relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like how people are all up in arms that a size 18 is so unhealthy, but aren't even in the least concerned that at the size 0, OPs daughter may have been just as unhealthy.

She probably dieted to be a size 0 just to fit into some crazy small wedding dress to please God knows who (oh, wait, mom!) . That was most likely very unhealthy but short lived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wow. SAHM, with not just a home and cars, but "clubs" and "cruises" as well. And she was a size zero and has gone up to 18 in just seven years?

That means OP's son-in-law has serious market value; he's loaded and a real catch.

I knew a guy in this kind of position. He was so brilliant, a star in our field, kindhearted, generous, and a wonderful father. And yes, he was very easy on the eyes . But he was married, and that was that.

Then his wife came to the firm's Christmas party, and I was absolutely shocked. She was much like what the OP describes her DD to be. Snide, rude, snobbish, and FAT. It was absolutely ludicrous to see how she acted, and how she treated everyone. But the way she treated ME was absolutely outrageous. I know as a, shall we say, "non-partner" you're not supposed to cross swords with a partner's spouse (never mind a partner). But when she denigrated my sideline job (I'm a pro sports team cheerleader), I looked her in the eye and told her there was no way I was going to stand for her treating me AND my friends in that area so dismissively, no matter WHAT the cost to my career. I then turned and walked out of the party.

He came in that Saturday (we both had litigation heading toward trial) and apologized to me for his wife. We got to talking, and I treated BOTH of them with compassion. That seemed to take him off-guard, and he told me all about how his wife had been in the sister sorority to his fraternity. He said she had been thin and lovely UNTIL they got married. He said he didn't know who she was, and that he was so grateful to me for being so forgiving and understanding, and how much he respected me.

Here's the thing. The rule I had about staying away from married men. This was the exception, after I got a load of her. I walked out having decided that I was going to have her husband.

So over the next couple of months we would go get coffee, or a bite to eat together as we worked late on our cases. I made sure I dressed a little sexier, wore heels a little higher, etc. Then as our schedules freed up he arranged to have me assigned to a case he was on. At that point it was only a matter of time.

That time came when we had to travel to a settlement conference on the West Coast. We were able to settle, and it was time to celebrate. I told him I'd meet him at the steakhouse near the hotel, and to get us a table as I needed to call sick Aunt to wish her a happy birthday (a little white lie ).

I walked in, and not just his but EVERY man's jaw dropped. Well, that's what happens when you're a pro sports cheerleader, all dolled-up wearing a "West Coast Leather" minidress and a pair of Louboutins as you strut through the restaurant. I played to his ego, praised him for being such a lovely person, and told him how joyful I was that we had the chance to go to a club together afterward.

We did so, and I really draped myself over him at said club, as a man with a shrew like his wife will die at being the envy of every man at a place like that. After a while I told him I had to use the restroom, and when I did so I removed my, well, you can guess. I then came back out and gave him the first kiss--a hot, deep, wet one right on the edge of the dance floor. He responded as I knew he would, and it was on.

We extended the trip a couple of days, and then came home. He got his affairs ( ) in order, and served his wife with divorce papers by the end of the week. We got married as soon as the divorce was final, and have full custody of the two kids since she's such a shrew and, you know, I'm a SAHM now!

So yeah, OP, in other words, your DD needs to get her s*** together.

I doubt it is a real story. Custody of two kids to the cheating spouse because the wife is fat or was rude to a cheerleader is bullshit. If wife was the husband's college sweetheart then probably there was no pre-nup. There was no way the ho-ho-ho was a SAHM. She was working her butt off with the DH to provide the SAHM of two young kids the "Lifestyle" for next 17 years at least.

[Anonymous]

This seems too obvious but has your DD had a full health checkup and physical by a very competent Doctor lately?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I go through this with my mother, and she posts on another website that my marriage is "headed for disaster" -- not because I'm overweight, but because I have a special needs child. She worries obsessively that I'm going to divorce and constantly quotes statistics about marriages with special needs children 80% of the time ending in divorce. (All the while claiming to adore my child, of course.)

I'm not sure what mothers like this want from their daughters, except for an outlet for their obsessive anxiety. They seem almost disappointed that the daughters' marriages are not in ruins so that they can be the focus of their daughters' lives.

Omg why does she think bothering you about this and stressing you out helps you at all?
You have to get momma back on track here - she's being really destructive. You need support and stress relief.

I'm fine and my marriage is fine. This is totally her issue. If she weren't obsessed and anxious about this, she'd find something else. My commute. My health. My job. A possible alien landing.

I'm not going to waste any time "getting her back on track." The track disappeared around the bend years ago and I get my stress relief and support from other sources.

[Anonymous]

I don't necessarily know this is a troll, but every "fact" here is filtered through mom's eyes.

"Fact" Daughter has gone from Size 0 to Size 18. This is extraordinarily subjective. Mom hasn't told us what her weight gain actually is, or what she weighs now.

"Fact" Daughter has lost several jobs due to her personality. That's mom's take. The family (wife and husband) may have an entirely different tale to tell, including that mom is now an SAHM or changed jobs at her own free will. This is not a fact, this is an anecdote.

"Fact" Son IL refuses to post pictures of daughter online due to shame and embarrassment. Numerous explanations here. Daughter may not pose anymore; SIL may not take as many photos; family may have less interest in social media. This mom's take on the situation.


"Fact" Daughter's marriage is in danger due to her weight and mother will be left to pick up economic pieces. Is there any actual evidence that this is true? Or is mom starring in some drama in her head and it always has to be all about her, all the time?

[Anonymous]

Fact: most of the women on this board also have gained weight, have miserable personalities, or their husbands have pulled away from them so this post is hitting a little too close to home and they are very defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fact: most of the women on this board also have gained weight, have miserable personalities, or their husbands have pulled away from them so this post is hitting a little too close to home and they are very defensive.

You sound like a fatty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fact: most of the women on this board also have gained weight, have miserable personalities, or their husbands have pulled away from them so this post is hitting a little too close to home and they are very defensive.

Fact: most people in this country are overweight, and/or are in marriages that suck, and/or are defensive. The Venn Diagram of (1) fatness (2) sucky marriages and (3) defensiveness leaves about 16 people not in its overlap.

[Anonymous]

a lot of people seem to be carrying around weird hangups with their own mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a lot of people seem to be carrying around weird hangups with their own mothers.

Really, Dr. Freud? Really?

[Anonymous]

I've experienced a similar weight gain due to meds for depression. Yes, it is a concern, but it's been a struggle to find that sweet spot where I have enough medication for my mental health to not suffer, but not too much weight gain that my mental health suffers. I'd be devastated if a well meaning person took it upon themselves to tell me I was fat. I know I am, but it's a personal problem and one for me, not for anyone else. There are other medical reasons one may gain weight so quickly, and not everyone, even one's mother, is privy to that information. So I say back off and love your daughter unconditionally. If this ends up costing her her marriage, well, that says more about her husband's character than hers, and maybe she'll be in a better place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your concern is valid. She is a SAHM who has a husband providing her everything she needs and wants, it's important to look after herself so she can be healthy and energetic for herself and her family. Size 18 isn't doing her or family any favor, also the practical reality of life is we must pull our own weight (literally in this case) and not make the relationship so one sided. Obese, foul tempered and divorced is not a good scenario for someone who hasn't worked in years. I hope she listens to you.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fact: most of the women on this board also have gained weight, have miserable personalities, or their husbands have pulled away from them so this post is hitting a little too close to home and they are very defensive.

I have actually lost 40 lbs since I was married 16 yrs ago. Still think OP is a busy body.

[Anonymous]

I think if you are concerned about a health issue mention it to your daughter. You have no business interfering in her marriage though. By the way you describe what her husband provides you also sound incredibly shallow. Your daughter is worth more than whatever number is on the scale, and you should be affirming.