My married daughter seems headed for disaster. Help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've ran into this with my sister and there's nothing you can do. If she were anorexic instead of obese, you'd have an intervention and put them in a treatment center. Obese just gets treated more as a lifestyle thing and we that we should accept it. I believe they're just two sides to the same coin and both are just as unhealthy (although anorexia is immediately more life threatening).

I've never considered this perspective, and I agree. Both will kill you, why not approach obesity with the same level of concern?

[Anonymous]

Maybe the mother is old-fashioned and wants what she thinks is the best for her daughter. If the daughter has a husband who is a good provider and two kids. The daughter seems unable to hold a job. When the mother sees her daughter packing on such an unhealthy amount of weight, she is obviously concerned that it is going to negatively impact her daughter.

If mom is sensing that the son-in-law seems to be withdrawn from her daughter, then she will try and figure out what the reason may be. The obvious reason seems to be her daughters obesity to the mother.

She may be fearful that if the husband leaves the daughter or start seeing someone else, her daughter will suffer and the grandkids will suffer from a broken family.

As a mom she should intervene. Maybe, do this discreetly and lovingly. Find out what is eating the daughter that she is eating so much. Ask how she can help the daughter so that she can shed the weight. Maybe help with baby sitting or meals preperation.

Obviously, the daughter is unable to reverse the weight gain because mentally she is not at a place to do it. The mom needs to help her daughter and not judge her. But, the fear of the mom is very reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've ran into this with my sister and there's nothing you can do. If she were anorexic instead of obese, you'd have an intervention and put them in a treatment center. Obese just gets treated more as a lifestyle thing and we that we should accept it. I believe they're just two sides to the same coin and both are just as unhealthy (although anorexia is immediately more life threatening).

I've never considered this perspective, and I agree. Both will kill you, why not approach obesity with the same level of concern?

Not the pp you're quoting but probably because 1) it's somewhat politically incorrect to make such a big deal about a person's obesity and you're not supposed to hurt their feelings and self-esteem and 2) anorexia does present a more immediate danger than obesity (unless we're talking morbid obesity). A person can simply starve to death within a short time frame but obesity will usually not result in immediate death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've ran into this with my sister and there's nothing you can do. If she were anorexic instead of obese, you'd have an intervention and put them in a treatment center. Obese just gets treated more as a lifestyle thing and we that we should accept it. I believe they're just two sides to the same coin and both are just as unhealthy (although anorexia is immediately more life threatening).

I've never considered this perspective, and I agree. Both will kill you, why not approach obesity with the same level of concern?

We use interventions for anorexics and addicts because anorexia and addiction are diseases where denial is a huge element of the disease process. Conversely, most people who are obese are well aware that they have a problem and that they are unhealthy. It's not necessary to "confront" an obese person and convince that person that she has a problem. 99% of the time, she knows that.

[Anonymous]

Nothing makes me want to shut down completely more than my parents commenting on my weight. They are constantly asking if I've gained or lost, despite the fact that I have stayed within about ten pounds of the same (healthy) weight since I was 16, and it makes me want to put on 30 pounds just to spite them. Whatever you do, don't harp on her weight, and don't assume it's causing problems in her marriage unless you actually know that it is.

If you actually want to help, offer her babysitting or housekeeping help. That way, if she wants to use the extra time to hit the gym or cook healthier meals, she can. It's really hard to find time to exercise when you are taking care of kids all day, unless you have someone else to watch them for an hour.

Unless she lives under a rock, I promise you that she knows she has gained weight and that it isn't healthy and doesn't look good. Telling her that will not help anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not your problem to solve.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, your concern is valid. She is a SAHM who has a husband providing her everything she needs and wants, it's important to look after herself so she can be healthy and energetic for herself and her family. Size 18 isn't doing her or family any favor, also the practical reality of life is we must pull our own weight (literally in this case) and not make the relationship so one sided. Obese, foul tempered and divorced is not a good scenario for someone who hasn't worked in years. I hope she listens to you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he doesn't post her pic because she is now camera shy. I'm like that now at size 18.

[Anonymous]

I would be worried too OP. I don't know wht the PPs are smoking. Size 0-18 is a recipe for disaster for her own HEALTH let alone her marriage. Ger her to a therapist, asap.

[Anonymous]

I'd be more concerned about her personality having cost her several jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like how people are all up in arms that a size 18 is so unhealthy, but aren't even in the least concerned that at the size 0, OPs daughter may have been just as unhealthy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how people are all up in arms that a size 18 is so unhealthy, but aren't even in the least concerned that at the size 0, OPs daughter may have been just as unhealthy.

+1

It depends on her height, weight, and measurements etc. but typically a size 0 isn't really that small. With the advent of vanity sizing, it's probably what a 4 used to be in the fifties. For example, I'm 5'7, 120 lbs. and wear a size 0 in dresses from stores like AT, BR, the Gap etc. and I don't think I am an unhealthy weight for my height.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've ran into this with my sister and there's nothing you can do. If she were anorexic instead of obese, you'd have an intervention and put them in a treatment center. Obese just gets treated more as a lifestyle thing and we that we should accept it. I believe they're just two sides to the same coin and both are just as unhealthy (although anorexia is immediately more life threatening).

I've never considered this perspective, and I agree. Both will kill you, why not approach obesity with the same level of concern?

We use interventions for anorexics and addicts because anorexia and addiction are diseases where denial is a huge element of the disease process. Conversely, most people who are obese are well aware that they have a problem and that they are unhealthy. It's not necessary to "confront" an obese person and convince that person that she has a problem. 99% of the time, she knows that.

+1

Also, society can reinforce anorexia. Someone who's losing weight may well receive compliments. Someone who is severely restricting their calories may be admired for their supposed willpower. Anorexics often don't think they are dangerously thin--quite the opposite. People who are genuinely obese know that they are fat.

[Anonymous]

Come on let's be real here. A man who married a woman at size 0 isn't going to be happy that she's an 18 now. Yes there are chubby chasers out there but someone who married a woman at 0 probably isn't one of them. Just being realistic. If she was working and earning her own money and could support herself and children (with some child support), that would be a different story. But that's not what the OP described.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've ran into this with my sister and there's nothing you can do. If she were anorexic instead of obese, you'd have an intervention and put them in a treatment center. Obese just gets treated more as a lifestyle thing and we that we should accept it. I believe they're just two sides to the same coin and both are just as unhealthy (although anorexia is immediately more life threatening).

I've never considered this perspective, and I agree. Both will kill you, why not approach obesity with the same level of concern?

We use interventions for anorexics and addicts because anorexia and addiction are diseases where denial is a huge element of the disease process. Conversely, most people who are obese are well aware that they have a problem and that they are unhealthy. It's not necessary to "confront" an obese person and convince that person that she has a problem. 99% of the time, she knows that.

I haven't found this to be true actually. Obesity IS denial. I come from a large/obese family. I love them, but they're all in denial. They think their diabetes and high blood pressure is genetic and completely doubt that it could be remedied by losing weight. They also think their obesity is genetic too (one told me that her ancestors could better weather a famine and that obesity used to be helpful). They think people who are thin just got lucky (and I'm sure it was somewhat luck, but also diet, exercise and portion control). Hell I'm thin and they say that I must have inherited it from some distant ancestor.

I have heard the exact same things from my bulimic friend's mouth when she was deep in the throes of bulimia.