11th grade son won't discuss college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take him to McDonald's this week to explore alternate career tracks. My old HS calculus teacher used to say that there's a French fry machine out there for all of us.

OMG, I think we had the same Calc teacher! Mine also used to tell us if we didn't do well, we could just go to NOVA (whose mascot, he told us, was Ricky the Roadkill).

I laughed along at the time, but now that I'm older, I think that was really elitist and inappropriate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take him to McDonald's this week to explore alternate career tracks. My old HS calculus teacher used to say that there's a French fry machine out there for all of us.

OMG, I think we had the same Calc teacher! Mine also used to tell us if we didn't do well, we could just go to NOVA (whose mascot, he told us, was Ricky the Roadkill).

I laughed along at the time, but now that I'm older, I think that was really elitist and inappropriate!

Wow, as a parent of a kid with a disability who will likely start at our local community college, I have to say that stories like that are what makes school so incredibly hard for my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine knowing almost nothing about wine and walking into a wine store for the first time. White, red, sparkling? California, Chilean, French, German, Italian, Spanish? Chardonnay or Sauvignon blanc? Merlot or Pinot or burgundy? What the heck is shiraz? $10 or $50? Oh, geez, look at the specialty beers over there. Someone starts trying to help you: Do you like a sweet wine or dry? Something full-bodied? Imagine the look on your face.

Some people know they are headed to the wine store and so they do lots of research before they go. They read up about the different wines and the qualities that differentiate them. They look up expert ratings and recommendations. They take notes and make lists and even spreadsheets. They go to some wine tastings.

And other people are like: for god's sake just give me a decent bottle and get me the heck out of here.

This is what I think the college search is like. And some kids just want someone to tell them what some decent bottles are.

this is perfect!!!

[Anonymous]

OP:

I have sent 3 to college with one left to go. Each kid required a different strategy and we did have one who was "dragging" her feet about the process. My suggestion would be a balance of the structure and the back off advice you have been given.

Here is the thing. You are trying to get him to discuss college when his finals are a month away. He probably has some anxiety about them and it is probably stressful to think about them AND the prospect of college. He may just want to be focused on finishing the school year intact. With our "reluctant" DD, we did not hover. We gave her benchmarks - By July 1 - have a list of 10-15 schools ready. We would come up with 10 as well. During July we will discuss and refine the list. In August and early September, we will visit your top 5. We were not constantly on her, but we gave her jobs to get done and free rein to get them done. By early September (after the visits) she really had a good sense of what she wanted to do.

We also told her that if she did not want to go to college, that was fine. She just would need to get a full time job instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is taking the sat subject tests but not studying for them. Let the chips fall where they may!

Ha! Just like we did in the old days when no had heard about prepping for SATs, let alone the subject tests.

My goodness, when was this? I'm 45 and got books for practice tests, and there were classes available. Same for the LSAT and/or the GRE a few years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take him to McDonald's this week to explore alternate career tracks. My old HS calculus teacher used to say that there's a French fry machine out there for all of us.

OMG, I think we had the same Calc teacher! Mine also used to tell us if we didn't do well, we could just go to NOVA (whose mascot, he told us, was Ricky the Roadkill).

I laughed along at the time, but now that I'm older, I think that was really elitist and inappropriate!

Wow, as a parent of a kid with a disability who will likely start at our local community college, I have to say that stories like that are what makes school so incredibly hard for my kid.

+1. Parent of a kid here w/ a disability who is finishing his first year at Montgomery College. Yes, it was tough for him in HS because just as he was trying to find his place in the world, he ran across a teacher who lacked any empathy and compassion. And the teacher, ironically, was his IEP Case Advocate. He struggled academically and emotionally for that year. We spoke up and the next 2 years he got the best Advocates the school had to offer. The BEST thing they did was learn what interested him and, outside of the core curriculum, make sure he was in classes that suited those interests. He ended up in the school's Web Design and Application program and was able to ride that through to MC. But we knew early on and accepted that the traditional college path was not for him. But many of the teachers (especially of core subjects) seem to look down on folks like that in certain schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is taking the sat subject tests but not studying for them. Let the chips fall where they may!

Ha! Just like we did in the old days when no had heard about prepping for SATs, let alone the subject tests.

My goodness, when was this? I'm 45 and got books for practice tests, and there were classes available. Same for the LSAT and/or the GRE a few years later.

LOL! 1970.

In those days you could, and pretty much were expected, to spend a Saturday testing. SATs in the morning, SAT subjects in the afternoon. Took it once like most and let the chips fall wherever they landed. Not possible these days of course. On the bright side, I learned that these SATs, taken before they were renormed, are the only SATs accepted by MENSA, should one ever want to join.

I spent an afternoon in the library and chose four colleges to apply to. Ran the list by my father, who nixed Harvard because of some experiences he had had with them. Typed up my applications on a manual typewriter (different for each, no common app) over winter break and sent in. No one reviewed. Accepted Princeton and UCLA, wait listed Stanford, went to first. It was all pretty much no sweat, but I think we were as excited as kids today and as disappointed when we received the letters from the colleges.

[Anonymous]

Still true in 1977.

Actually, my kid did it the same way this year.

[Anonymous]

Except for the manual typewriter -- and the timing (JR Year for SATs), Halloween for apps.

[Anonymous]

For a gap year he might consider Rotary Exchange, the American Field Service, or Up With People. If he does this it might be best for him to apply any way and then defer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is a junior and getting close to when he'll need to make some decisions about what colleges to apply to. Problem is, he doesn't want to discuss it. I suspect some of it is fear since he's not really sure what he's interested in and he's also concerned that some places he likes may be out of his reach.

So far, we've visited one college because it was close, just to get the process started. But even after that, he quickly shut down again and wouldn't talk about other colleges that he might like to put on his list.

He's a bright kid, doing full IB, playing a sport he may continue in college, but I fear he may be closing doors without realizing it, but refusing to focus on his options. Short of coming up with a nominal list on our own, I'm really not sure what I can do. I don't want to add to his stress by pressuring him about it, but am aware the clock is ticking. Has anyone had a kid like this? And if so, what did you do? What helped, what didn't? My son has always been young for his age, and the sort who doesn't always live in the real world, which can be charming or maddening depending on the day.

My DS is exactly the same.

Here's what I did: I made up a list of colleges that we can afford, scheduled tours/info sessions, gave DS the list and told him where to be and when. I drove DS to all the colleges (the last visit is tomorrow), walked around, ate lunch or dinner at each school's cafeteria, picked up literature, am keeping it in a file of my own at home.

DS took the SAT at his school. I'll schedule the repeat SAT for June and the third SAT for September. If I have to, I'll stand over him while he writes his essays, I'll make sure he fills out all the forms, I'll do the FAFSA, and it will get done.

If you wait for your child to take the initiative, your kid will end up at CC. That's what I concluded. I tried over and over to discuss college with DS, but he had no interest whatsoever in discussing it, no idea what to study or where to go, etc.

My child is very bright, so it shocked me that I have to do all this for him. But I do and I did. I'm not a helicopter mom either, but in this case, there are deadlines. I know that DS will be extremely unhappy if he has to go to CC because he missed the boat and didn't get organized. So I got organized for him. For now. If he's still so passive next year, well, he is going to go to CC, but I don't think that will happen. Now that he's seen a bunch of colleges, he's starting to rank them and is much, much more interested. He needed a jump start, so I gave it to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine knowing almost nothing about wine and walking into a wine store for the first time. White, red, sparkling? California, Chilean, French, German, Italian, Spanish? Chardonnay or Sauvignon blanc? Merlot or Pinot or burgundy? What the heck is shiraz? $10 or $50? Oh, geez, look at the specialty beers over there. Someone starts trying to help you: Do you like a sweet wine or dry? Something full-bodied? Imagine the look on your face.

Some people know they are headed to the wine store and so they do lots of research before they go. They read up about the different wines and the qualities that differentiate them. They look up expert ratings and recommendations. They take notes and make lists and even spreadsheets. They go to some wine tastings.

And other people are like: for god's sake just give me a decent bottle and get me the heck out of here.

This is what I think the college search is like. And some kids just want someone to tell them what some decent bottles are.

This is really really good advice.

? I missed it What is the advice?

I take it you didn't do too well on the reading section of the SAT?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Senior year is when it seemed as if DS and friends really started thinking about college. I wouldn't say touring junior year was a waste of time but opinions really started to form later in the process. If you provide a broad exposure to school types this year, it's a good start.

I don't know what decade you are living in, but senior year is far, far too late to start thinking about college!!

Most state flagships have a Nov. 1 deadline if you want to get accepted and have a ghost of a chance of getting scholarships.

It's impossible to visit a bunch of schools, fill out all the applications, get recommendations, take the SATs, etc. by November 1st if you start in late August!! OK, not impossible, but extremely difficult!!

OP, ignore the advice from posters that you hand the reins to your child. He is not interested in running the show, so you do it. It's that simple. He's not like your older child. Take charge of this situation. Eventually he'll wake up and figure out that he's actually going to college. Right now, he's immersed in school, friends, sports, etc. and college seems far, far away. Kids at this age are not good at planning ahead. Their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed. Some kids are a bit more college oriented, but your DS is not. Take control of this situation! Don't leave it to him or it won't happen and he will suffer the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take him to McDonald's this week to explore alternate career tracks. My old HS calculus teacher used to say that there's a French fry machine out there for all of us.

OMG, I think we had the same Calc teacher! Mine also used to tell us if we didn't do well, we could just go to NOVA (whose mascot, he told us, was Ricky the Roadkill).

I laughed along at the time, but now that I'm older, I think that was really elitist and inappropriate!

Wow, as a parent of a kid with a disability who will likely start at our local community college, I have to say that stories like that are what makes school so incredibly hard for my kid.

I thought it was very funny, and only slightly inappropriate. After all, this is a high school calculus class! Most kids taking calculus are likely to go on to somewhat competitive colleges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine knowing almost nothing about wine and walking into a wine store for the first time. White, red, sparkling? California, Chilean, French, German, Italian, Spanish? Chardonnay or Sauvignon blanc? Merlot or Pinot or burgundy? What the heck is shiraz? $10 or $50? Oh, geez, look at the specialty beers over there. Someone starts trying to help you: Do you like a sweet wine or dry? Something full-bodied? Imagine the look on your face.

Some people know they are headed to the wine store and so they do lots of research before they go. They read up about the different wines and the qualities that differentiate them. They look up expert ratings and recommendations. They take notes and make lists and even spreadsheets. They go to some wine tastings.

And other people are like: for god's sake just give me a decent bottle and get me the heck out of here.

This is what I think the college search is like. And some kids just want someone to tell them what some decent bottles are.

this is perfect!!!

Fantastic analogy!

Signed,
One who is regularly intimidated in the wine store