11th grade son won't discuss college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very surprised at the comment about signing up for subject tests. Who leaves that in a kids hands? I have signed up my daughter for all her standardized tests, hired her tutor, researched and bought her prep books. I view that as my job as her parent. The kids have more than enough to do during junior year.

OP here. My son is taking the ACT in June. He may take the SAT in the fall. SAT subject tests are not required for his interests, so why would I bother to sign him up for them.

Hopefully, your DS will not become interested down the road in a school that requires or 'recommends' subject tests. You never know. That said, the ACT pretty much covers it all. Mostly 'elite' schools are the only ones who 'recommend' subject tests anyway.

He won't. And I suspect if he were an elite school kind of kid, he'd be doing more to drive the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely wait until school's out to start to focus. How is your DS's college counselor. Is he in public or private? A counselor can make a huge difference and alleviate the battles between parent and child.

My DS is a senior in private school. Last year, he wouldn't consider talking to us about schools. Like the wine analogy, it is a big scary thing out there and without context it is pretty impossible for a 17 year old to come up with a list of schools. DS's counselors at school were great and he could talk to them without us. Of course, we had meetings with all of us there. Another thing I did was to hire a college consultant to try to find schools that would be a good fit for him. He clicked with her and they quickly developed a working list. We were glad to help but we were clearly just adding stress for him. She guided him through the Common App and the rest of the application process. Yes, he did submit the common app on the last possible day for some of his early action schools. She was a neutral third party he respected and listened to. DS's school counselors were seriously great, but the added consultant made us not the "bad guys." We didn't have to nag him. She reminded him. Obviously, DH and I worked with her too about types of colleges, sizes of schools, geographic locations. Ultimately, we all agreed on 11 schools schools (easy to do so many with the common app) and he got into 10 of the 11 he applied at.

It is really hard to be zen, but do whatever you can to make the process as zen-like as possible. DH and I are tremendous Type A people, so it was hard to let go. I know he is very happy with his choice and he really "owns" the choice.

If you can't find zen, red wine is a quick substitute.

Good luck.

Hiring a private counselor to "nag" your kid is "letting go"? Hope you order your wine by the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take him to McDonald's this week to explore alternate career tracks. My old HS calculus teacher used to say that there's a French fry machine out there for all of us.

OMG, I think we had the same Calc teacher! Mine also used to tell us if we didn't do well, we could just go to NOVA (whose mascot, he told us, was Ricky the Roadkill).

I laughed along at the time, but now that I'm older, I think that was really elitist and inappropriate!

Wow, as a parent of a kid with a disability who will likely start at our local community college, I have to say that stories like that are what makes school so incredibly hard for my kid.

We have the opposite problem, people assume my DC will be going to our local community college because he has a disability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very surprised at the comment about signing up for subject tests. Who leaves that in a kids hands? I have signed up my daughter for all her standardized tests, hired her tutor, researched and bought her prep books. I view that as my job as her parent. The kids have more than enough to do during junior year.

OP here. My son is taking the ACT in June. He may take the SAT in the fall. SAT subject tests are not required for his interests, so why would I bother to sign him up for them.

Hopefully, your DS will not become interested down the road in a school that requires or 'recommends' subject tests. You never know. That said, the ACT pretty much covers it all. Mostly 'elite' schools are the only ones who 'recommend' subject tests anyway.

He won't. And I suspect if he were an elite school kind of kid, he'd be doing more to drive the process.

exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very surprised at the comment about signing up for subject tests. Who leaves that in a kids hands? I have signed up my daughter for all her standardized tests, hired her tutor, researched and bought her prep books. I view that as my job as her parent. The kids have more than enough to do during junior year.

Well, I left it up to all 3 of my kids, and they all ended up going to USNWR top 10 schools. They're pretty independent and self-motivated, though I did have to give them my AMEX number to pay for the tests.

My oldest is a junior now, so it's our first time through this process, but she's done all the signing up for SATs, APs, and subject tests on her own. For prep books, she puts them in my Amazon cart, and I buy them. I don't expect my other two will show this level of independence (one of them for sure will need lots of hand holding and significant advance notice of everything that needs to be done), but I don't think it's that uncommon, especially among kids who are the oldest in their families.

One of my friend's daughters didn't even tell her folks which schools she had applied to until after she started getting acceptances!

[Anonymous]

Op, it is a very tough time. The kids really do not know much about the colleges (except that they are not getting into the top ones -- they get THAT message) then it looks like there are thousands of colleges to choose from, and where to start? But really, for most people, with a little thought, you realize that there are not thousands of colleges that meat your needs. For example, maybe you can't (like most people) afford the privates. That cuts it right down to the State colleges, of which there are a limited number. The kids look down on the State colleges because teens are natural snobs, so that leaves them thinking: where will I go that is cool? But in reality, most are going to State, or where their parents went. It is very stressful.
If you are living at all comfortably in the DC area, you do not qualify for FA,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very surprised at the comment about signing up for subject tests. Who leaves that in a kids hands? I have signed up my daughter for all her standardized tests, hired her tutor, researched and bought her prep books. I view that as my job as her parent. The kids have more than enough to do during junior year.

The subject tests are pretty straightforward; a good student can get a very high score without any prep.

[Anonymous]

Like the wine analogy poster says, you need to give some guidance.

First: Decide what is feasible for your family- public, private near home, tuition cost, etc.

Second: Once you determine this take DS to One large, one medium and one small school that he realistically has a chance of getting into. Try to go on tours/get lectures on the schools so he can see and hear about the schools.

Third: See what appeals most to DS. Tell him to eliminate at least one of the categories (such as no big schools, etc).

This should at least give DS a better feel of what he is looking for. It's overwhelming and confusing, so limiting it down helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like the wine analogy poster says, you need to give some guidance.

First: Decide what is feasible for your family- public, private near home, tuition cost, etc.

Second: Once you determine this take DS to One large, one medium and one small school that he realistically has a chance of getting into. Try to go on tours/get lectures on the schools so he can see and hear about the schools.

Third: See what appeals most to DS. Tell him to eliminate at least one of the categories (such as no big schools, etc).

This should at least give DS a better feel of what he is looking for. It's overwhelming and confusing, so limiting it down helps.

I think this is good advice, though for my kid it is turning out that size is less important than location (i.e. urban, suburban, rural). I'm still not sure how a child who for the most part seems like my clone could prefer a campus in/near a big city to an idyllic rural one, but there you go. Some kids also really care a lot about weather-related factors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely wait until school's out to start to focus. How is your DS's college counselor. Is he in public or private? A counselor can make a huge difference and alleviate the battles between parent and child.

My DS is a senior in private school. Last year, he wouldn't consider talking to us about schools. Like the wine analogy, it is a big scary thing out there and without context it is pretty impossible for a 17 year old to come up with a list of schools. DS's counselors at school were great and he could talk to them without us. Of course, we had meetings with all of us there. Another thing I did was to hire a college consultant to try to find schools that would be a good fit for him. He clicked with her and they quickly developed a working list. We were glad to help but we were clearly just adding stress for him. She guided him through the Common App and the rest of the application process. Yes, he did submit the common app on the last possible day for some of his early action schools. She was a neutral third party he respected and listened to. DS's school counselors were seriously great, but the added consultant made us not the "bad guys." We didn't have to nag him. She reminded him. Obviously, DH and I worked with her too about types of colleges, sizes of schools, geographic locations. Ultimately, we all agreed on 11 schools schools (easy to do so many with the common app) and he got into 10 of the 11 he applied at.

It is really hard to be zen, but do whatever you can to make the process as zen-like as possible. DH and I are tremendous Type A people, so it was hard to let go. I know he is very happy with his choice and he really "owns" the choice.

If you can't find zen, red wine is a quick substitute.

Good luck.

Hiring a private counselor to "nag" your kid is "letting go"? Hope you order your wine by the case.

I certainly did not hire a consultant to nag my son. I said she reminded him, not nagged him. She urged him to look at college information based on what he said was interested in based on her lengthy discussions with him. He was a very typical 16-17 year old his junior year when his parents said and did absolutely everything wrong. Rather than to destroy the emotional relationship we had with him, we called in a professional to make the college process separate from our day to day interactions with him. Obviously, we all met together to come up with parameters on schools. As an example, she texted him to see if he'd finished his extra essay for "XYZ" college, not us. He developed a good working relationship with her. It worked for us. Perhaps you don't have a teenager at the stage where he or she wants nothing to do with you or your spouse. He wasn't interested in colleges or practically anything we said and it was time to start looking at college stuff. My son certainly went through this. We could have had screaming matches every time the subject of college came up or we could call in a third party. Having her work with him was a much more neutral process that worked better for us. The additional advantage was this is what she does -- helps kids transition to college -- this is not our area of expertise.

I'm truly sorry if you can't see why I'd want to try to preserve my relationship with my son and let a professional help all of us with a process that is temporary and new and emotional for everyone. Yes, I had to let go. I would have been there everyday telling him to revise his essay for the common app. I would have wanted to check and recheck everything involved in the process. That didn't work for us. Maybe it works in your perfect family.

As a side note, he wrote an essay I hated for the common app. He did not share drafts of it with us frequently, but I thought it was a terrible topic. But I let it go. He worked with the consultant and polished it up and sent it in and I didn't say a word. In two of his acceptance letters, the admissions officers wrote about how moved they were by his essay. See? I don't know what I'm doing here and I had to turn it over and let it go.

Maybe this isn't the path for your family, but it worked for us.

What worked for us will not work for every family. I attempted to recount what happened we did and how well it turned out for my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely wait until school's out to start to focus. How is your DS's college counselor. Is he in public or private? A counselor can make a huge difference and alleviate the battles between parent and child.

My DS is a senior in private school. Last year, he wouldn't consider talking to us about schools. Like the wine analogy, it is a big scary thing out there and without context it is pretty impossible for a 17 year old to come up with a list of schools. DS's counselors at school were great and he could talk to them without us. Of course, we had meetings with all of us there. Another thing I did was to hire a college consultant to try to find schools that would be a good fit for him. He clicked with her and they quickly developed a working list. We were glad to help but we were clearly just adding stress for him. She guided him through the Common App and the rest of the application process. Yes, he did submit the common app on the last possible day for some of his early action schools. She was a neutral third party he respected and listened to. DS's school counselors were seriously great, but the added consultant made us not the "bad guys." We didn't have to nag him. She reminded him. Obviously, DH and I worked with her too about types of colleges, sizes of schools, geographic locations. Ultimately, we all agreed on 11 schools schools (easy to do so many with the common app) and he got into 10 of the 11 he applied at.

It is really hard to be zen, but do whatever you can to make the process as zen-like as possible. DH and I are tremendous Type A people, so it was hard to let go. I know he is very happy with his choice and he really "owns" the choice.

If you can't find zen, red wine is a quick substitute.

Good luck.

Hiring a private counselor to "nag" your kid is "letting go"? Hope you order your wine by the case.

I certainly did not hire a consultant to nag my son. I said she reminded him, not nagged him. She urged him to look at college information based on what he said was interested in based on her lengthy discussions with him. He was a very typical 16-17 year old his junior year when his parents said and did absolutely everything wrong. Rather than to destroy the emotional relationship we had with him, we called in a professional to make the college process separate from our day to day interactions with him. Obviously, we all met together to come up with parameters on schools. As an example, she texted him to see if he'd finished his extra essay for "XYZ" college, not us. He developed a good working relationship with her. It worked for us. Perhaps you don't have a teenager at the stage where he or she wants nothing to do with you or your spouse. He wasn't interested in colleges or practically anything we said and it was time to start looking at college stuff. My son certainly went through this. We could have had screaming matches every time the subject of college came up or we could call in a third party. Having her work with him was a much more neutral process that worked better for us. The additional advantage was this is what she does -- helps kids transition to college -- this is not our area of expertise.

I'm truly sorry if you can't see why I'd want to try to preserve my relationship with my son and let a professional help all of us with a process that is temporary and new and emotional for everyone. Yes, I had to let go. I would have been there everyday telling him to revise his essay for the common app. I would have wanted to check and recheck everything involved in the process. That didn't work for us. Maybe it works in your perfect family.

As a side note, he wrote an essay I hated for the common app. He did not share drafts of it with us frequently, but I thought it was a terrible topic. But I let it go. He worked with the consultant and polished it up and sent it in and I didn't say a word. In two of his acceptance letters, the admissions officers wrote about how moved they were by his essay. See? I don't know what I'm doing here and I had to turn it over and let it go.

Maybe this isn't the path for your family, but it worked for us.

What worked for us will not work for every family. I attempted to recount what happened we did and how well it turned out for my son.

We've had 3 kids apply to college -- no nagging, no screaming matches and no professional counselors. (There was some red wine, though, at least for those over 21.) Look, I'm not saying we have a perfect family or that it's a cake walk, but most kids can manage to apply to college without all the drama. It helps enormously if parents have faith in them and don't get their egos involved.

[Anonymous]

Some families luck out and some don't in the drama department. My opinion is that their reaction to the process is affected greatly by where they are in their personal development, e.g. hormones, frontal cortex, birth order etc...The college process certainly added to the stress but guess what...it didn't end I honestly think that people are very well meaning when they tell you what worked for their family but in the end it's an individual journey and you shouldn't feel bad or wonder what's wrong if your waters are rougher. Hugs...

[Anonymous]

You all are insane. If you have to do this much prep work FOR your kids for them to even think about applying for college, then are you going to be prepared to write their term papers too? Sign them up for their classes? My god, if they can't take the initiative to get the process started on their own, then you tell them that starting in September after graduation, rent will be $750 a month and they will be expected to chip in for food, gas, car insurance etc.

No wonder we have so much support for Trump. Insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some families luck out and some don't in the drama department. My opinion is that their reaction to the process is affected greatly by where they are in their personal development, e.g. hormones, frontal cortex, birth order etc...The college process certainly added to the stress but guess what...it didn't end I honestly think that people are very well meaning when they tell you what worked for their family but in the end it's an individual journey and you shouldn't feel bad or wonder what's wrong if your waters are rougher. Hugs...

Thanks, PP. I think this is very true. My own two kids have been night and day about planning for college. I was spoiled with an oldest who owned the process. So it's helpful to know that now I'm not the only one with a kid who's having trouble getting started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are insane. If you have to do this much prep work FOR your kids for them to even think about applying for college, then are you going to be prepared to write their term papers too? Sign them up for their classes? My god, if they can't take the initiative to get the process started on their own, then you tell them that starting in September after graduation, rent will be $750 a month and they will be expected to chip in for food, gas, car insurance etc.

No wonder we have so much support for Trump. Insane.

I think the current college application process is what's insane. In pre-ranking days when kids were only applying to a few colleges, things were more manageable for everyone. Today, kids who apply to less than 10 feel like they still might not get in. The pressure to have top stats, know what you want to study and go to a name college or your life will be over is unrelenting. That's overwhelming to me as an adult. I can't imagine what it feels like to an 18-year-old.