11th grade son won't discuss college

[Anonymous]

11th grade is so much work, add to it the pressure of SATs and finals...

Let it go and try again over the summer when the pressure is off a little. My guess is, he will be fine and the college counsellors will kick into gear in September. I know it is such an anxious time for parents and kids both but don't worry, most kids end up happy with a few choices in April.

[Anonymous]

Multiple approaches you can take.
1) Suggest a college trip with a friend in May after IB testing is over.
2) Make sure you have access to his Naviance account, he may have already put things in there but is not comfortable talking about them with you at this point.
3) Use the summer to study for SAT/ACT and write a couple of essays. I disagree with waiting until the fall to kick-start things. With IB you want his visits to be targeted, which can only happen if you have a sense of what kind of school he wants. Urban, suburban, small liberal-arts, large land grant, east coast, west coast.
My DD said she wanted a school bigger than her current HS in a city, not in the South. We visited other types once and that opinion remains unchanged.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had to come up with our own list and then take our DC to visit colleges we thought might be a good fit. S/he had no idea how to evaluate different options and needed to be spoon-fed. S/he ultimately managed the application process quite independently but it took a lot of doing to get to that point.

This was the same as my daughter. She was having trouble getting started so I sent her links to programs she might like and started booking tours. She seems to be more engaged now but it took a lot of prodding to get her started thinking about the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine knowing almost nothing about wine and walking into a wine store for the first time. White, red, sparkling? California, Chilean, French, German, Italian, Spanish? Chardonnay or Sauvignon blanc? Merlot or Pinot or burgundy? What the heck is shiraz? $10 or $50? Oh, geez, look at the specialty beers over there. Someone starts trying to help you: Do you like a sweet wine or dry? Something full-bodied? Imagine the look on your face.

Some people know they are headed to the wine store and so they do lots of research before they go. They read up about the different wines and the qualities that differentiate them. They look up expert ratings and recommendations. They take notes and make lists and even spreadsheets. They go to some wine tastings.

And other people are like: for god's sake just give me a decent bottle and get me the heck out of here.

This is what I think the college search is like. And some kids just want someone to tell them what some decent bottles are.

This is really really good advice.

? I missed it What is the advice?

The advice is to put yourself in their shoes by imagining/remembering how it must feel to be confronted with a big decision, lots of choices, and little information. Your response as a parent might change.

but the kid doesn't want to talk about it. Why do you assume an overabundance of choices is the reason for this? I doubt that has anything to do with it at all. Maybe he doesn't even want to buy wine. (He may not even care if he goes to college)

Do you have a teenager? I think virtually every parent out there would assume their bright, full-IB student **is** going to college. There may be questions about where, when, and how, but it's certainly reasonable to expect college is in the future.

There are lots of reasons why a 16-year-old may be reluctant to engage in discussions about college, but it's simply wrong to assume that a lack of engagement means he's not going to be ready to go to directly to college after high school or to assume that the lack of engagement means lack of interest. Some kids really are overwhelmed or paralyzed by uncertainty; it doesn't mean they aren't ready for college or aren't interested in going. Several parents on this thread have stated that this was the case with their children, and it seems to me that there is no harm in a parent getting the ball rolling. A parent can characterize her efforts as making sure the teen has choices. There is no downside in preparing for the possibility that the kid will be ready to go to college, and if it turns out that, for whatever reason, the kid isn't ready, then the college search work can be set aside, no harm no foul.

To me, it makes sense to start touring some schools and identifying possible safeties/matches/reaches, even if the kid isn't engaged. Make sure you hedge against the possibility that the kid is not ready to go away from home (as opposed to not ready for college) by keeping a GMU or UMDCP or Towson or other local 4-year on the list. And if October/November of senior year rolls around and the kid is still completely disengaged, then you start exploring community college options, gap year(s), military, etc., while also strongly encouraging him to fill out that GMU, etc., application just in case.

[Anonymous]

Can you say that you are available to take him on campus tours on these certain dates and to let you know which schools he'd like to visit during those times? Put in an early throwaway date and maybe a few more over the summer. Block out the time on your family calendar.

Making yourself a resource instead of a driver for the process?

[Anonymous]

Offering support but no advice here. My oldest is a junior, and we are finding this year even more hideous than expected, and we were warned and prepared (the one thing I think has come off well was her idea to take the SAT's in the fall to get them out of the way). Up till now, I would have said she was any easygoing person with few teen anger type behaviors, but she's basically turned a bit feral lately between studying for APs, SAT subject tests, and fielding questions from everyone about what sort of colleges she might want to go to. My husband dragged her on a northeast college trip last weekend, and she was so stressed about studying for upcoming tests that the only thing he got from her was that she hated some of the schools marginally less than others.

We did have a bright spot this week. A friend had made me a mix tape that has a song called "Nausea" on it, and the chorus starts with:

I got so tired of discussing my future
That I've started avoiding the people I love.

I played it for her and told her I think of her whenever I hear it, and I got an actual laugh out of her for the first time in quite some while.

[Anonymous]

Love your post. To PP - I send my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offering support but no advice here. My oldest is a junior, and we are finding this year even more hideous than expected, and we were warned and prepared (the one thing I think has come off well was her idea to take the SAT's in the fall to get them out of the way). Up till now, I would have said she was any easygoing person with few teen anger type behaviors, but she's basically turned a bit feral lately between studying for APs, SAT subject tests, and fielding questions from everyone about what sort of colleges she might want to go to. My husband dragged her on a northeast college trip last weekend, and she was so stressed about studying for upcoming tests that the only thing he got from her was that she hated some of the schools marginally less than others.

We did have a bright spot this week. A friend had made me a mix tape that has a song called "Nausea" on it, and the chorus starts with:

I got so tired of discussing my future
That I've started avoiding the people I love.

I played it for her and told her I think of her whenever I hear it, and I got an actual laugh out of her for the first time in quite some while.

Best thing I did to alleviate DC's stress was boot the SAT subject tests right out the door. Decline to take them, cross the schools that require/"strongly recommend" them right off your lists, and poof! Instant relief. In no small part because you are removing most of the schools with sub-20% admit rates in one fell swoop. See you later colleges-that-say-they-don't-want-stressed-out-kids-but-create-admissions-requirements-that-ensure-just-that. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

[Anonymous]

OP: Has your child taken the Sat/ACT/subject tests? If not taken, are they scheduled? It's hard to look at colleges without those numbers. In any case, I would schedule some college visits. Keep it general--big school, little school,rural and city. Early in the process, day trips are easier than 4 schools in 4 days. And, as another poster mentioned, bring a friend!

[Anonymous]

My kid is taking the sat subject tests but not studying for them. Let the chips fall where they may!

[Anonymous]

Hi, Op

To me, the fact that he doesn't want to talk about college sounds like he has anxiety. Perhaps it is about leaving home and become an adult or just the idea of picking a college ( which is overwhelming) My daughter is the same way so she is attending community college for a year or so. We are hoping that the extra time will get her to find out what she wants to study and which college might be a good fit.

Or...your junior might be ready when he is a Senior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is taking the sat subject tests but not studying for them. Let the chips fall where they may!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is taking the sat subject tests but not studying for them. Let the chips fall where they may!

Ha! Just like we did in the old days when no had heard about prepping for SATs, let alone the subject tests.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much for all the responses. You've given me a lot of good ideas here and I'm glad I'm not the only one with a kid like this. So many of his friends have already done the orchestrated series of college tours and SAT/ACT prep and testing that it's hard not to feel like we're dropping the ball somehow.

It's good to be reminded that all kids are different and as some PPs noted, mine clearly has some anxiety around the whole college thing. He's also been very stressed by junior year and is literally counting the days till it's over. So I think I'll back off for now and in the meantime, put together a list of schools that might interest him. We've got a tour planned to another big state public in June and perhaps by then, he'll be ready to think about it.

I like the advice about dropping the SAT subject tests. My oldest took them and needed them for school, but with this kid I'm hoping he can just take the ACT once in June and be done with it. I hate the the expectation nowadays that kids will do a lot of prepping for these tests. I think that only adds to the pressure and looking at my son I'm not even sure when he'd find the time to do the extra studying. I gave him a practice test over Spring Break and he did well enough so I think we may leave it at that.

As for a gap year: I'm a big believer in them for the right purpose and with the right kid. Just don't think that's my son. I'm not ruling it out though and would not be surprised if we revisit the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much for all the responses. You've given me a lot of good ideas here and I'm glad I'm not the only one with a kid like this. So many of his friends have already done the orchestrated series of college tours and SAT/ACT prep and testing that it's hard not to feel like we're dropping the ball somehow.

It's good to be reminded that all kids are different and as some PPs noted, mine clearly has some anxiety around the whole college thing. He's also been very stressed by junior year and is literally counting the days till it's over. So I think I'll back off for now and in the meantime, put together a list of schools that might interest him. We've got a tour planned to another big state public in June and perhaps by then, he'll be ready to think about it.

I like the advice about dropping the SAT subject tests. My oldest took them and needed them for school, but with this kid I'm hoping he can just take the ACT once in June and be done with it. I hate the the expectation nowadays that kids will do a lot of prepping for these tests. I think that only adds to the pressure and looking at my son I'm not even sure when he'd find the time to do the extra studying. I gave him a practice test over Spring Break and he did well enough so I think we may leave it at that.

As for a gap year: I'm a big believer in them for the right purpose and with the right kid. Just don't think that's my son. I'm not ruling it out though and would not be surprised if we revisit the idea.

This sounds like a good plan. Re the subject tests--if your DS isn't targeting the most elite schools, there is absolutely no reason to take the subject tests. Some top schools allow you to submit the ACT plus writing instead. But most schools don't require or even recommend them, and the absence of them will have no bearing on admission decisions.