11th grade son won't discuss college

[Anonymous]

My son is a junior and getting close to when he'll need to make some decisions about what colleges to apply to. Problem is, he doesn't want to discuss it. I suspect some of it is fear since he's not really sure what he's interested in and he's also concerned that some places he likes may be out of his reach.

So far, we've visited one college because it was close, just to get the process started. But even after that, he quickly shut down again and wouldn't talk about other colleges that he might like to put on his list.

He's a bright kid, doing full IB, playing a sport he may continue in college, but I fear he may be closing doors without realizing it, but refusing to focus on his options. Short of coming up with a nominal list on our own, I'm really not sure what I can do. I don't want to add to his stress by pressuring him about it, but am aware the clock is ticking. Has anyone had a kid like this? And if so, what did you do? What helped, what didn't? My son has always been young for his age, and the sort who doesn't always live in the real world, which can be charming or maddening depending on the day.

[Anonymous]

Does he want to take a gap year? Is it an option?

[Anonymous]

Be in charge. Put structure into how to go about finding the right college. He has no clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he want to take a gap year? Is it an option?

Funny, I asked him that and his comment was his father would never allow it. It would have to be very structured as I think he'd be all over the place otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be in charge. Put structure into how to go about finding the right college. He has no clue.

This is a good point. He has an older sibling who completely ran the process, so I think his foot dragging caught me by surprise.

[Anonymous]

We had to come up with our own list and then take our DC to visit colleges we thought might be a good fit. S/he had no idea how to evaluate different options and needed to be spoon-fed. S/he ultimately managed the application process quite independently but it took a lot of doing to get to that point.

[Anonymous]

College counselor? Sometimes anxious parents and anxious kids feed off each other. Handing things over to a professional third party can help a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is a junior and getting close to when he'll need to make some decisions about what colleges to apply to. Problem is, he doesn't want to discuss it. I suspect some of it is fear since he's not really sure what he's interested in and he's also concerned that some places he likes may be out of his reach.

So far, we've visited one college because it was close, just to get the process started. But even after that, he quickly shut down again and wouldn't talk about other colleges that he might like to put on his list.

He's a bright kid, doing full IB, playing a sport he may continue in college, but I fear he may be closing doors without realizing it, but refusing to focus on his options. Short of coming up with a nominal list on our own, I'm really not sure what I can do. I don't want to add to his stress by pressuring him about it, but am aware the clock is ticking. Has anyone had a kid like this? And if so, what did you do? What helped, what didn't? My son has always been young for his age, and the sort who doesn't always live in the real world, which can be charming or maddening depending on the day.

Doing full IB can be a pressure cooker, and some kids feel trapped and forced into it at the IB schools because not doing the full IB diploma instantly turns you into a second-class citizen. He may feel burned out and like college will just be more of the same. Back off and reiterate a gap year would be OK.

[Anonymous]

My son didn't refuse to talk about college at that age, but his notions of he thought he wanted in a college were so....odd that the conversations weren't very useful. So I thought about the type of environment that might be best for him and researched schools to find ones that might be affordable for us and that looked like safeties/matches/reaches for a kid with his stats. I ended up with a list of about 30 schools, which I gave to him, along with the Fiske Guide and told him to read about them and let me know what he thought. He didn't read about them. So I planned a trip to one of the safeties, where we attended a presentation and took a tour. That finally elicited some default feedback. I took that feedback, trimmed the list, and planned a road trip visiting 5 schools. We spent a week in the car together and visited schools, he sat in on classes, we talked about what we had seen, compared and contrasted, etc. That trip was fun and it helped us (me) narrow the list further.

IOW, I managed the entire selection process. But by the time we had a list of 9 schools, he had warmed up to the topic, finally felt like he had a real sense of what college might be like, and he had a sense of the type of place he liked best. He was happy with the list I had drawn up, thought they were all good options. He was ready by then to take the reins and managed the application process with only minimal assistance from me.

Now he's committed to one of those schools and really excited about it.

[Anonymous]

Imagine knowing almost nothing about wine and walking into a wine store for the first time. White, red, sparkling? California, Chilean, French, German, Italian, Spanish? Chardonnay or Sauvignon blanc? Merlot or Pinot or burgundy? What the heck is shiraz? $10 or $50? Oh, geez, look at the specialty beers over there. Someone starts trying to help you: Do you like a sweet wine or dry? Something full-bodied? Imagine the look on your face.

Some people know they are headed to the wine store and so they do lots of research before they go. They read up about the different wines and the qualities that differentiate them. They look up expert ratings and recommendations. They take notes and make lists and even spreadsheets. They go to some wine tastings.

And other people are like: for god's sake just give me a decent bottle and get me the heck out of here.

This is what I think the college search is like. And some kids just want someone to tell them what some decent bottles are.

[Anonymous]

College isn't for everyone. It sounds like you want this more than he does. Get off his back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College isn't for everyone. It sounds like you want this more than he does. Get off his back.

youre right it's not for everyone but don't rule it out over fear of applying or not knowing how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be in charge. Put structure into how to go about finding the right college. He has no clue.

This is a good point. He has an older sibling who completely ran the process, so I think his foot dragging caught me by surprise. [/quote

He is not a clone of his sibling. He needs more structure. Go to more colleges and visit more campuses. Compile a list from which he can choose or reject. Help him figure out what he likes about a campus and what he doesn't. Look at gap year programs. Be the executive assistant to his/her CEO.

My oldest gravitated towards large land grant schools. My youngest hates them. He is gravitating towards 4-6k sized schools with a small college town next to the campus. Both are science and math based. Look forthe similarities and differences. If your eldest is in college now, have your son visit for the weekend to get he vibe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine knowing almost nothing about wine and walking into a wine store for the first time. White, red, sparkling? California, Chilean, French, German, Italian, Spanish? Chardonnay or Sauvignon blanc? Merlot or Pinot or burgundy? What the heck is shiraz? $10 or $50? Oh, geez, look at the specialty beers over there. Someone starts trying to help you: Do you like a sweet wine or dry? Something full-bodied? Imagine the look on your face.

Some people know they are headed to the wine store and so they do lots of research before they go. They read up about the different wines and the qualities that differentiate them. They look up expert ratings and recommendations. They take notes and make lists and even spreadsheets. They go to some wine tastings.

And other people are like: for god's sake just give me a decent bottle and get me the heck out of here.

This is what I think the college search is like. And some kids just want someone to tell them what some decent bottles are.

This is really really good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine knowing almost nothing about wine and walking into a wine store for the first time. White, red, sparkling? California, Chilean, French, German, Italian, Spanish? Chardonnay or Sauvignon blanc? Merlot or Pinot or burgundy? What the heck is shiraz? $10 or $50? Oh, geez, look at the specialty beers over there. Someone starts trying to help you: Do you like a sweet wine or dry? Something full-bodied? Imagine the look on your face.

Some people know they are headed to the wine store and so they do lots of research before they go. They read up about the different wines and the qualities that differentiate them. They look up expert ratings and recommendations. They take notes and make lists and even spreadsheets. They go to some wine tastings.

And other people are like: for god's sake just give me a decent bottle and get me the heck out of here.

This is what I think the college search is like. And some kids just want someone to tell them what some decent bottles are.

This is really really good advice.

OP said the kid won't discuss it
what is the advice? Go ahead and just tell him what some decent [colleges] are?