Reply to What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You all make this sound really really miserable.  To answer a few questions

- No i don't want to be a stay at home mom
- He has 50% physical custody.  He seems very involved but I haven't actually seen him with the kids.  I don't get the impression he pawns them off on his weekends and things

Would we be better off not having kids.  If I could love his kids as my own, I think I'd be ok with that - I've never been a must have a baby person.  But the responses are making it sound like it's both impossible to love the kids as your own and to also integrate a new kid without a lot of problems.  Does this ever work nicely?!
[/quote]

Op, it does! I am a stepmom. I don't want to scare you off but you have to go in eyes wide open here. You will never have the nuclear family all to yourself thing that most women dream of. If you love him enough, that will not seem like a loss. But even sometimes it will. The ex and her response to you will determine a lot of how easy this is. My DH was also the one who finally asked for divorce and he hung around for years for their son because he hated the idea of not seeing him all the time. Out of the 11 years he was married, 7 were bad and he made it last as long as he could. But the wife wasn't happy about it and she has never warmed up to me. I am good to her son, love him, don't interfere with parenting, but it is what it is- she is never going to do more than tolerate the fact I exist. This has on occasion made things difficult for my DH and for me as well.

I was just like you in that I wanted my husband to put his son first and for the son to spend as much time with us/him as possible. That IS the right thing to do and want. But at first living the reality is hard. It means you're doing the work of building a life with someone and having to incorporate a living reminder of his past every single day. It's sitting on the couch together and then the ex wife calls and he has to talk to her for 30 minutes about something. It's spending an extra $500 you budgeted for something else on something that comes up for his kids. It's bringing the kids on vacation. When you have a baby, an ugly part of you will wonder does he love your baby as much as he loves them. My stepson is a GREAT brother because he always wanted siblings (FYI this is a big reason my DH wanted the divorce, wife would not consider more than one after they had their son). Your stepkids may or may not be.

I struggled a lot at first with finding it hard to separate my feelings toward the ex from feelings for her son. Like if I liked him or loved him it was giving her something that she didn't deserve. I hate that. Every time I'm around my stepson now I kick my own ass for how mean and petty I was at first, always tallying and keeping track and not wanting to fully let him into MY life and family. It took a good 3-4 years to get past that to the point we are at now which is that I love him and love that he is part of this family. His presence adds to our family, it no longer feels to me like I'm "sharing" my family time. I wish I had been more like you and had asked more questions going in to see what I was in for. Then again, I would probably have gotten scared and turned heel and would not have the lovely family I do now. And I would be a much more selfish person for the loss. Blending a family and accepting another person's child will force you to a tremendous amount of self reflection and betterment. That's why it's so hard- you're doing that on top of all the other normal parenting and marriage struggles. But if it works, it can be very rewarding. [/quote]

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