"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your shoes OP, I'd stay until the kids were grown. After that, I would just explain we have no chemistry and it's best to go our separate ways.

My aunt and uncle are somewhat similar except for them it's strictly a business contract. They have zero chemistry, don't love each other but the benefits they've gained outweigh all of that. Thank goodness they don't have kids.

We can't stay together and not have sex. It will break his heart if/when he finds out about this. Living together after that would be appalling. There is no way.

You said you have no chemistry. But seems to me, if you are not able to make yourself even have sex with him, then you are physically repulsed by him (even though by your own admission he is an attractive guy since women check him out). Why? I think you do have some issues. You need a different therapist to help you figure what the heck is going on.

We do have sex, it's just not the type that I want. And it's not very often. Maybe 4 times a month. He is objectively good looking. I don't know why I'm not attracted to him. Let's put it this way. I would be hurt and angry if I found out he was cheating on me. But it wouldn't be devastated. I would move on variety easily.

Is the issue that the sex is not the type that you want, or that you have no chemistry with him? Do you think if he indulged in your sex fantasy that you'd be happier? If this is the case, then why don't you tell him, or ask him to go with you to a sex therapist or regular therapist to discuss this with him in a non judgemental way?

Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

I understand. I am a DW who has lost the chemistry after 14 years together and my DH sounds just like yours. I won't write the chapters of shit I have gone through to deal with this, but the roundup is:

After many months of couples and individual counseling, I have chosen to stay. I am 85% glad that I have, as we have two young children and our family life is good. The sex will always be an issue. Always. I am trying to take things under control without talking about it, because I am sick of talking about it. It is helping a bit...enough that I do not constantly feel undersexed.

OP, go to her soy before you throw away your marriage. You need to do the work to make sure that, if you end the marriage, you will have no regrets. I never got to that place, so I recommitted.

[Anonymous]

Just LOL at the idea that the accurate reports of 40+ women with children not being a dating catch is apparently a "sexist stereotype"

And this OP throwing away a good man without having the guts or the maturity to communicate her needs to him.

Your husband can do better than you, OP. Divorce him and let him find someone who appreciates him more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your shoes OP, I'd stay until the kids were grown. After that, I would just explain we have no chemistry and it's best to go our separate ways.

My aunt and uncle are somewhat similar except for them it's strictly a business contract. They have zero chemistry, don't love each other but the benefits they've gained outweigh all of that. Thank goodness they don't have kids.

We can't stay together and not have sex. It will break his heart if/when he finds out about this. Living together after that would be appalling. There is no way.

You said you have no chemistry. But seems to me, if you are not able to make yourself even have sex with him, then you are physically repulsed by him (even though by your own admission he is an attractive guy since women check him out). Why? I think you do have some issues. You need a different therapist to help you figure what the heck is going on.

We do have sex, it's just not the type that I want. And it's not very often. Maybe 4 times a month. He is objectively good looking. I don't know why I'm not attracted to him. Let's put it this way. I would be hurt and angry if I found out he was cheating on me. But it wouldn't be devastated. I would move on variety easily.

Is the issue that the sex is not the type that you want, or that you have no chemistry with him? Do you think if he indulged in your sex fantasy that you'd be happier? If this is the case, then why don't you tell him, or ask him to go with you to a sex therapist or regular therapist to discuss this with him in a non judgemental way?

Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

I understand. I am a DW who has lost the chemistry after 14 years together and my DH sounds just like yours. I won't write the chapters of shit I have gone through to deal with this, but the roundup is:

After many months of couples and individual counseling, I have chosen to stay. I am 85% glad that I have, as we have two young children and our family life is good. The sex will always be an issue. Always. I am trying to take things under control without talking about it, because I am sick of talking about it. It is helping a bit...enough that I do not constantly feel undersexed.

OP, go to her soy before you throw away your marriage. You need to do the work to make sure that, if you end the marriage, you will have no regrets. I never got to that place, so I recommitted.

Um, "to her soy" is supposed to read "therapy." Obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dating market for a 40+ year old woman with two kids is no picnic.

Plus 1. No picnic even w/out the kids. In fact, I took myself out of the dating pool at 40 and decided to adopt on my own. Best thing I ever did! Trust me, the grass is not already greener. I would not throw what you have away. Lust fades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The dating market for a 40+ year old woman with two kids is no picnic.

Plus 1. No picnic even w/out the kids. In fact, I took myself out of the dating pool at 40 and decided to adopt on my own. Best thing I ever did! Trust me, the grass is not already greener. I would not throw what you have away. Lust fades.

OP, does not realize if they divorce, husband is a good dad, its likely he'll get 50/50 custody. Is she ready to only be a part-time parent?


OP, I think you should do the guy a favor. Leave and give him the kids so they have a stable home and family life. Divorce him then date - never an affair and go have your fun. He sounds like a good guy who someone would be happy to marry. Then, he'll have the life and wife he deserves.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is one of those situations where I'd make my peace with getting 85% of what I want and being creative about getting my needs met. Talk to your DH about the sex, but if he won't/can't give you what you want -- well that's what porn, fantasy and vibrators are for!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You said he can sense something is wrong. If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there. He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy? I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.

Yes I am thinking of someone in particular from my past. He was my last SO before I met my husband. He didn't want to get married though and still isn't.

[Anonymous]

Now we are getting somewhere.
Are you still in contact with the one who got away?
Do you want to reach out and reconnect?
Would you be okay never remarrying?

[Anonymous]

If he had an affair and was in a sexual relationship with someone else, would that make him more attractive to you?
Also - do you connect emotionally and intellectually? Do you enjoy spending time with him (outside the bedroom)?

[Anonymous]

Just to add - it's nearly certain he will remarry within a few years, but it is harder for 40+ single moms in the dating world. Though anecdotally I have a few friends who were able to move on to new relationships and I certainly think it's possible, but Yiu have to be okay with the possibility that it won't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You said he can sense something is wrong. If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there. He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy? I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.

Yes I am thinking of someone in particular from my past. He was my last SO before I met my husband. He didn't want to get married though and still isn't.

So you are willing to blow up your children's lives because you used to have have hot sex with someone who doesn't want to marry you? Imagine trying to have that conversation with your adult children when they ask why you divorced their Dad. Imagine how much hot sex you will be halving when you are married to a guy who does no work around the house. Will you have the energy to do everything around the house and have hot sex?

Please look into tantric sex weekends or try to take a BDSM class with DH.

[Anonymous]

http://www.br.org/br/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=23&Itemid=31

[Anonymous]

Why would you leave such a catch? I think you two have become too familiar and maybe a regular shared activity go date nights or a vacation together, without the kids, would jumpstart things.

I felt like this about my DH at one point, but a 4 day vacation alone showed me that we still have a ton in common and can enjoy each other.

Don't throw this away OP. It's very hard to find decent guys, and you've got one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You said he can sense something is wrong. If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there. He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy? I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.

Yes I am thinking of someone in particular from my past. He was my last SO before I met my husband. He didn't want to get married though and still isn't.

So you are willing to blow up your children's lives because you used to have have hot sex with someone who doesn't want to marry you? Imagine trying to have that conversation with your adult children when they ask why you divorced their Dad. Imagine how much hot sex you will be halving when you are married to a guy who does no work around the house. Will you have the energy to do everything around the house and have hot sex?

Please look into tantric sex weekend or try to take a BDSM class with DH.

Where do you find these tantric sex and BDSM classes? I would love to do this with my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just LOL at the idea that the accurate reports of 40+ women with children not being a dating catch is apparently a "sexist stereotype"

And this OP throwing away a good man without having the guts or the maturity to communicate her needs to him.

Your husband can do better than you, OP. Divorce him and let him find someone who appreciates him more.

Can you imagine a date with OP?

Date: "So what went wrong with your marriage?"

OP: "We didn't have any chemistry, ever."

Date: "Well, why did you marry him?"

OP: "My mom and my sister told me to."

Date: "Well, how long were you married?"

OP: "Oh, 6 years, I have two children."

I'm sure it will be raining men for OP...