"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

Op don't throw this away. You have a good marriage and a great man. I am in the exact same boat as you, I want rough passionate, throw me on the bed sex. He is way too sweet proper and romantic... I am not giving up on him, even if clearly I had incomparably better chemistry with my ex on that level. I know my ex was a jerk and would have made me very unhappy.

Like others have said, leave only if you would actually be happier alone. If you are hoping for the perfect passionate chemistry, great father, positive relationship and respectful marriage, I personally don't know any

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op don't throw this away. You have a good marriage and a great man. I am in the exact same boat as you, I want rough passionate, throw me on the bed sex. He is way too sweet proper and romantic... I am not giving up on him, even if clearly I had incomparably better chemistry with my ex on that level. I know my ex was a jerk and would have made me very unhappy.

Like others have said, leave only if you would actually be happier alone. If you are hoping for the perfect passionate chemistry, great father, positive relationship and respectful marriage, I personally don't know any

Any marriage like that in my circle of friends. I know one friend who left for same reason as you. She bitterly regretted it 1 year after. Now married to a jerk she regrets her happily remarried ex even more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You said he can sense something is wrong. If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there. He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy? I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.

Yes I am thinking of someone in particular from my past. He was my last SO before I met my husband. He didn't want to get married though and still isn't.

So you are willing to blow up your children's lives because you used to have have hot sex with someone who doesn't want to marry you? Imagine trying to have that conversation with your adult children when they ask why you divorced their Dad. Imagine how much hot sex you will be halving when you are married to a guy who does no work around the house. Will you have the energy to do everything around the house and have hot sex?

Please look into tantric sex weekend or try to take a BDSM class with DH.

Where do you find these tantric sex and BDSM classes? I would love to do this with my DH.

I post one link above for the a beginner BDSM seminar in DC. Did a quick google search and found this...

http://butterflyworkshops.com/workshops

[Anonymous]

Here's another one...
http://www.secretpleasuresboutique.com/#!workshop-registration/ccxa

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You said he can sense something is wrong. If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there. He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy? I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.

Yes I am thinking of someone in particular from my past. He was my last SO before I met my husband. He didn't want to get married though and still isn't.

You need help. You want to throw away your marriage because you are thinking about an ex? I agree with the pp who say that up you should leave ONLY if you will be happy alone. You will not find what you want in a husband.

[Anonymous]

Also, not to be unkind but just to offer perspective- you had until you were 33 to find what you were looking for and did not ( so you settled - at least that's how it reads.)

What makes you think that now with all the added priorities/stresses you will find it now at 40? Like others have said, if items about you finding you and a life of single parenting, interesting work, a hobby or travel will bring you joy then go for it.

If it is about lost passion, I'm sorry but as a realist I truly think it happens to most. Good luck no matter what. I hope you can find peace in either decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just LOL at the idea that the accurate reports of 40+ women with children not being a dating catch is apparently a "sexist stereotype"

And this OP throwing away a good man without having the guts or the maturity to communicate her needs to him.

Your husband can do better than you, OP. Divorce him and let him find someone who appreciates him more.

+1

[Anonymous]

DH here: you are in a tough situation, OP, and I feel for you. If I were your DH, though, I'd want to be cut loose. Never in a million years would I want to be in a marriage with someone who felt like that about me. My guess is your sexual disinterest is palpable to him, and causing him quite a bit of unhappiness. Most men would agree I think. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just LOL at the idea that the accurate reports of 40+ women with children not being a dating catch is apparently a "sexist stereotype"

And this OP throwing away a good man without having the guts or the maturity to communicate her needs to him.

Your husband can do better than you, OP. Divorce him and let him find someone who appreciates him more.

+1

LOL at the sexist stereotypes that have been disproven soooo many times.

Go back to the 1950s where your outdated mindset will fit in. We in the 21st century have moved on.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you a SAHM or do you work? Whats the division of assets/money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You said he can sense something is wrong. If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there. He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy? I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.

Yes I am thinking of someone in particular from my past. He was my last SO before I met my husband. He didn't want to get married though and still isn't.

so he didn't want to marry you when you were 33 but he will marry you when you are 40+ with 2 kids? good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

I am not hugely dependent on sex so this setup would be perfect to me. I prefer a little roughness during sex too but would be willing to forego it for a good financial situation and a hot, young, and caring husband. I can always get myself off, read romance novels and fantasize. Sex with a partner has never been a huge priority. But maybe that's just me.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you never loved him but talked yourself into marrying him because of what he brought to the table (successful high paying career, attractive, etc). You probably convinced yourself you could grow to love him and that hasn't happened. I'm sorry. I think it's only fair to both of you to split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read my own post. You know what the problem is? I don't feel chemistry with him. I never have. We don't click in that way. People need that in their lives, don't they? It's not a minor issue?

at your age, with kids, it is in fact a minor issue.

you couldn't get what you wanted when you were much younger, but now you think you will get it at the age when everyone settles. realize: all quality men are already taken, everyone who is single at 40 is single for a reason that is either immediately obvious or will take some time to figure out. the more attractive the single 40+ man, the bigger the non-obvious issue he has.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how you can make it work now if you've never been attracted to him.