If your child is gay or bi..how do you handle sleepovers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a sleepover party where there is a group of girls in attendance. You are talking about 2 girls.

The point is most people will not let their child have a sleepover with someone with whom there could be potential mutual attraction. I am not sure why the rules change b/c the child in question is gay.

Would I let my straight daughter have a sleep over with a boy, even if she said she wasn't attracted to him. Nope! Therefore how is it homophobic to say I would not let her have a sleep over with another lesbian, even if she wasn't attracted to her.

It has to be the same rules regardless of sexual orientation.

You are correct, sort of. What you're missing is that just because your kid hasn't told you they're gay, it doesn't mean they're straight. Your 14 yo son could be having circle jerk sleepovers with his buddies and you'd never know. The difference here is when a kid comes out at a young age- should all sleepovers be off limits?

I'm not sure, tbh.

I agree. I have heard all sorts of stories about girls experimenting with other girls at sleepovers, however as parents we have to work with the information that has been provided to us and our own observations in an effort to make reasonable decisions about what is right and wrong for our families.

No one said sleepovers should be banned but I think one-on-one sleepovers needs a little more investigation. It is not just an easy answer. Just as you would not automatically (if at all) let a boy sleep over with heterosexual DD, there is nothing wrong with asking more questions if DD believes she is homosexual. As a parent you have the same right to ask questions. For example if heterosexual DD wanted to have a sleep over with a homosexual male I would probably say yes more easily than I would if my lesbian DD wanted to have a sleep over with her lesbian friend. I don't thin there is a one size fits all answer for all kids and all families.

As for this situation, as I mentioned in a previous post maybe a sleepover in the living room might make more sense than a sleep over in the bedroom. Even though you would do your best to give the kids their privacy, they know someone could walk on them at anytime. See how it goes from there and re-evaluate if the sleepover with the same person comes up again.

I'm that PP and I agree. One other thing to consider is that if my daughter wanted a gay boy to sleep over, assuming he's out and his parents know, just talk to his parents. By no means should we out him to his parents- not saying that at all. But if he's gay, his parents know he's gay, and they want to have a sleepover, isn't the sensible thing to talk with his parents and make sure everyone's on the same page?

I mean, this is slightly new territory for parents as more kids are coming out earlier and it is (sometimes) more socially acceptable to be gay. But its not like one person should make a blanket proclamation about sleepovers in a vacuum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a sleepover party where there is a group of girls in attendance. You are talking about 2 girls.

The point is most people will not let their child have a sleepover with someone with whom there could be potential mutual attraction. I am not sure why the rules change b/c the child in question is gay.

Would I let my straight daughter have a sleep over with a boy, even if she said she wasn't attracted to him. Nope! Therefore how is it homophobic to say I would not let her have a sleep over with another lesbian, even if she wasn't attracted to her.

It has to be the same rules regardless of sexual orientation.

I guess the point is that it seems like what you're suggesting is that lesbians cannot have platonic women friends, and that girls cannot have platonic male friends (and the reverse). So my question was, are you simply closing the door on all situations where there is the potential for sexual activity? I had a lot of male friends that I was not attracted to and did not get intimate with. I also had lesbian friends sleep over, solo, and we did not hook up, even though I am bisexual. The assumption seems to be that anything outside heteronormative = slutty. That's not the case.

These are 14 year old kids. No one but you used the word slutty. All I have said all along is that I would apply the SAME rules regardless of DDs sexual preference.
No guys sleeping over for my straight daughter and no lesbians sleeping over for my lesbian daughter.

Do I think every guy wants to hook up with every girl, or every lesbian wants to hook up with each other. Of course not. But again these kids are 14 so I think the parents have the right to ask questions before agreeing to a sleepover.

And as far as keeping the same rules, if my daughter were straight I would let a her gay male friend sleep over and if she were a lesbian I would let her straight friend sleep over.

[Anonymous]

I think its also important to remember that on a message board its in the abstract, in real life things are more 'grounded' and less philosophical.

Picture this- 2 girls have been in school together since elementary or middle school, went to some of the same summer day camps, have all the same friends/ social circle, play soccer together for the JV team, etc. Parents reasonably know each other (this varies depending on comfort level of parents of course). At 14, the girl, let's call her Jen, wrestles with and then decides to tell her mom she's gay or that she is a relative centrist on the human sexuality continuum or something in that range. She also tells one of her close friends, Rebecca. Rebecca and mom are both supportive since after all that's just a part of Jen and they care about and support Jen. Its not an abstract thing for them on a message board, its their friend or kid that they love and want to see be happy and real. Then Friday rolls around and Jen and Rebecca want to eat pizza and watch movies and go to sleep. Like 14 year olds do. Nothing has changed in that scenario- its "just Jen" still.

In the abstract its all about rule X for scenario Y. In real life its not like that as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me: Larla, is this your girlfriend or just a friend.

Larla: just a friend mom.

Me: Ok! Have fun.

The kids: Aren't they stupid?

I guess you don't trust your kid. That doesn't mean that OP shouldn't trust OP's kid, though.

I would suggest a more substantive discussion.

DD, we need to go over the dating rules again. You can date when we meet her, curfew is at XX:00 and no being in the bedroom after curfew with the door closed. This goes for any dates, male or female. You can have this sleepover, but if you're interested in this girl, or it's more of a date then a friendship sleepover, then she cannot spend the night.

You need to just remind her of your rules (the ones you gave her when you thought she was interested in boys) and let her know they still apply now that she's come out to you.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how camps are dealing with this problem.

[Anonymous]

1-2% of the population is LGBT, is this that really big of an issue or are people trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its also important to remember that on a message board its in the abstract, in real life things are more 'grounded' and less philosophical.

Picture this- 2 girls have been in school together since elementary or middle school, went to some of the same summer day camps, have all the same friends/ social circle, play soccer together for the JV team, etc. Parents reasonably know each other (this varies depending on comfort level of parents of course). At 14, the girl, let's call her Jen, wrestles with and then decides to tell her mom she's gay or that she is a relative centrist on the human sexuality continuum or something in that range. She also tells one of her close friends, Rebecca. Rebecca and mom are both supportive since after all that's just a part of Jen and they care about and support Jen. Its not an abstract thing for them on a message board, its their friend or kid that they love and want to see be happy and real. Then Friday rolls around and Jen and Rebecca want to eat pizza and watch movies and go to sleep. Like 14 year olds do. Nothing has changed in that scenario- its "just Jen" still.

In the abstract its all about rule X for scenario Y. In real life its not like that as much.

OP here. Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. We are in the above scenario. Trying to work out what is just girls being girls while being on the lookout for potential sexual activity. One thing that truly concerns me is that our DD will simply begin to lie and say she's not interested in someone when we ask her, and we will allow the sleepover not knowing the full extent of the relationship. She has been truthful thus far, but we still have many teenage years ahead of us.

Agree with other pp's that 14 is too young for physical activity regardless of orientation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 14 yr old DD recently told us she believes she is only attracted to women. She has a sleepover planned this weekend with a female friend from school. This is all new territory for ..how would you recommend we handle?

First, by not panicking. And second by doing what you can to maintain what is obviously a very open relationship.

I would suggest, however, that until she straightens this out in her mind, sleepovers not be in the cards, at least for the time being. She is very young, impressionable, and most likely, this is just part of the confusion of growing up. She needs guidance and help, not encouragement to explore the great unknown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 14 yr old DD recently told us she believes she is only attracted to women. She has a sleepover planned this weekend with a female friend from school. This is all new territory for ..how would you recommend we handle?

First, by not panicking. And second by doing what you can to maintain what is obviously a very open relationship.

I would suggest, however, that until she straightens this out in her mind, sleepovers not be in the cards, at least for the time being. She is very young, impressionable, and most likely, this is just part of the confusion of growing up. She needs guidance and help, not encouragement to explore the great unknown.

Very well said, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1-2% of the population is LGBT, is this that really big of an issue or are people trolling.

I don't believe this. Has to be an antiquated statistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1-2% of the population is LGBT, is this that really big of an issue or are people trolling.

I don't believe this. Has to be an antiquated statistic.

Who cares? Not everyone wants to share their private life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its also important to remember that on a message board its in the abstract, in real life things are more 'grounded' and less philosophical.

Picture this- 2 girls have been in school together since elementary or middle school, went to some of the same summer day camps, have all the same friends/ social circle, play soccer together for the JV team, etc. Parents reasonably know each other (this varies depending on comfort level of parents of course). At 14, the girl, let's call her Jen, wrestles with and then decides to tell her mom she's gay or that she is a relative centrist on the human sexuality continuum or something in that range. She also tells one of her close friends, Rebecca. Rebecca and mom are both supportive since after all that's just a part of Jen and they care about and support Jen. Its not an abstract thing for them on a message board, its their friend or kid that they love and want to see be happy and real. Then Friday rolls around and Jen and Rebecca want to eat pizza and watch movies and go to sleep. Like 14 year olds do. Nothing has changed in that scenario- its "just Jen" still.

In the abstract its all about rule X for scenario Y. In real life its not like that as much.

This. These are real people we are talking about. My daughter's lifelong best friend is gay and she has another long-time friend who is also. They are welcome to sleep over anytime they want. These also two guy friend who are gay. They have also slept over. We know them all very well and love them all.

[Anonymous]

It would be a non-issue to me. I had girls and boys over for sleepovers when I was little. I was at sleepovers of girls and boys as well. It was never an issue. There is no difference in having boys or girls over nevermind the sexual orientation of anyone - the general question is "Is my 14-year old ready and willing to have sex and how do I want to handle that?"

So...you can have a general talk to your daughter about sex. The sleepover has nothing to do with that though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be a non-issue to me. I had girls and boys over for sleepovers when I was little. I was at sleepovers of girls and boys as well. It was never an issue. There is no difference in having boys or girls over nevermind the sexual orientation of anyone - the general question is "Is my 14-year old ready and willing to have sex and how do I want to handle that?"

So...you can have a general talk to your daughter about sex. The sleepover has nothing to do with that though.

Is any 14 year old "ready" to have sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1-2% of the population is LGBT, is this that really big of an issue or are people trolling.

I don't believe this. Has to be an antiquated statistic.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/health-survey-gives-government-its-first-large-scale-data-on-gay-bisexual-population/2014/07/14/2db9f4b0-092f-11e4-bbf1-cc51275e7f8f_story.html