If your child is gay or bi..how do you handle sleepovers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um my 17 year gay teen has sleep overs all the time with the same sex, sometimes multiple of the same sex. No concerns at all since they all know he is gay and not at all concerned. Hell, they all sleep in his room and not a care in the world. Gay people are generally attracted to other gay people and vice versa.

So you're saying that your gay 17 year old son Is having his straight friends sleep over in his room? They know he's gay but they are straight and there is no issue? They're just buddies hanging out in his room huh?

Hahaha, you are delusional.

Sorry, no sleepovers if my kid is gay. I'm not as naive as this pp.

I'm not delusional nor as ignorant as you seem to be. It is possible that they are friends and just don't give a shit who one another is attracted to? You suggesting that there is some sort of gang bang going on? Get over yourself, I think you maybe the delusional one.

[Anonymous]

Do the friend's parents know your DD is gay/bi? I think it's only fair you let them know. They can decide if they feel comfortable with it. I agree, it is akin to having boys at the sleepover. If that were the case, wouldn't you let the parents know this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the friend's parents know your DD is gay/bi? I think it's only fair you let them know. They can decide if they feel comfortable with it. I agree, it is akin to having boys at the sleepover. If that were the case, wouldn't you let the parents know this?

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um my 17 year gay teen has sleep overs all the time with the same sex, sometimes multiple of the same sex. No concerns at all since they all know he is gay and not at all concerned. Hell, they all sleep in his room and not a care in the world. Gay people are generally attracted to other gay people and vice versa.

So you're saying that your gay 17 year old son Is having his straight friends sleep over in his room? They know he's gay but they are straight and there is no issue? They're just buddies hanging out in his room huh?

Hahaha, you are delusional.

Sorry, no sleepovers if my kid is gay. I'm not as naive as this pp.

I'm not delusional nor as ignorant as you seem to be. It is possible that they are friends and just don't give a shit who one another is attracted to? You suggesting that there is some sort of gang bang going on? Get over yourself, I think you maybe the delusional one.

It is possible that your son's friends are closeted and he's fooling around with them. However, they're 17, almost 18, and pretty much young adults at this point. That being said, it is also entirely probable that your son is openly gay and has straight friends who hang out with him and sleepover with fear or expectation of Hot Sweaty Gay Sex. That PP is clearly homophobic and cannot fathom that kids are increasingly accepting of bi/gay friends. Especially if your son has been friends with these kids since middle school and came out in the last couple of years.

It'd be pretty shitty to dump a friend just because they're gay (or straight). But I get the feeling that's exactly what that PP would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the friend's parents know your DD is gay/bi? I think it's only fair you let them know. They can decide if they feel comfortable with it. I agree, it is akin to having boys at the sleepover. If that were the case, wouldn't you let the parents know this?

Agree.

It is 1 million percent NOT OPs "news" to tell. This is HER daughter's life and business. At some point you do not OWN your children. It would be actually a shitty mom who felt the need to tell others about her child's sexuality or any other aspect of the child's life that the child is still not 100% comfortable with people knowing. If the kid is out and fine with anyone knowing, its kind of a different thing, but this kid "confided", meaning its HER story to confide, not the mother's (I think the only exception here maybe in a support setting, like a mom discussing this with someone she confides in to help her support her daughter, etc- which is NOT the case with a sleepover)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the friend's parents know your DD is gay/bi? I think it's only fair you let them know. They can decide if they feel comfortable with it. I agree, it is akin to having boys at the sleepover. If that were the case, wouldn't you let the parents know this?

Agree.

It is 1 million percent NOT OPs "news" to tell. This is HER daughter's life and business. At some point you do not OWN your children. It would be actually a shitty mom who felt the need to tell others about her child's sexuality or any other aspect of the child's life that the child is still not 100% comfortable with people knowing. If the kid is out and fine with anyone knowing, its kind of a different thing, but this kid "confided", meaning its HER story to confide, not the mother's (I think the only exception here maybe in a support setting, like a mom discussing this with someone she confides in to help her support her daughter, etc- which is NOT the case with a sleepover)

That other child is a minor, and the parent still has rights. If there was a boy at the sleepover, I'm sure most parents would let the other parents know. This issue is not different. If the kid doesn't want to "come out", then don't do the sleepover because it's not fair to the other parent to keep that hidden from them. It's not about the other parent not wanting their child around a gay child; it's about the possibility of sexual activity, which is why most parents of 14 yr olds wouldn't want their child at a sleepover with the opposite gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's reasonable to ask your daughter if this is a girl she is romantically interested in or involved with. If the answer to that is yes, and you would not allow a heterosexual teenager to have a member of the opposite sex who they were sexually interested in to sleep over, the answer is no. If she says it's just a friend, I would let the sleepover happen and remind her that this is a trust thing - she can count on you to be supportive and open minded about her sexuality, unless she is dishonest with you about it.

And don't "warn the other parents."

So with this logic, you would let your hetero daughter have a sleepover with a boy as long as she said they were only friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 14 yr old DD recently told us she believes she is only attracted to women. She has a sleepover planned this weekend with a female friend from school. This is all new territory for ..how would you recommend we handle?

Candles and a romantic movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um my 17 year gay teen has sleep overs all the time with the same sex, sometimes multiple of the same sex. No concerns at all since they all know he is gay and not at all concerned. Hell, they all sleep in his room and not a care in the world. Gay people are generally attracted to other gay people and vice versa.

BRAVO -- how nice for your son and you to avoid the sexual-bigotry rampant on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That other child is a minor, and the parent still has rights. If there was a boy at the sleepover, I'm sure most parents would let the other parents know. This issue is not different. If the kid doesn't want to "come out", then don't do the sleepover because it's not fair to the other parent to keep that hidden from them. It's not about the other parent not wanting their child around a gay child; it's about the possibility of sexual activity, which is why most parents of 14 yr olds wouldn't want their child at a sleepover with the opposite gender.

The parents' rights do not extend to the expectation that other parents betray the confidences of their own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me: Larla, is this your girlfriend or just a friend.

Larla: just a friend mom.

Me: Ok! Have fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That other child is a minor, and the parent still has rights. If there was a boy at the sleepover, I'm sure most parents would let the other parents know. This issue is not different. If the kid doesn't want to "come out", then don't do the sleepover because it's not fair to the other parent to keep that hidden from them. It's not about the other parent not wanting their child around a gay child; it's about the possibility of sexual activity, which is why most parents of 14 yr olds wouldn't want their child at a sleepover with the opposite gender.

The parents' rights do not extend to the expectation that other parents betray the confidences of their own children.

Then don't do the sleepover because I think most parents would want to know. Wouldn't you want to know if your 14 yr old was going to a sleepover with the opposite gender?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is this any different than a boy sleeping over at a girl's house or vice versa. Very interesting situation.

Very different. No one's getting pregnant in this scenario, for one. Less ambiguity about intentions, for another.

How is there less ambiguity about intentions?

And you do realize that pregnancy isn't the only concern about a boy sleeping over a girl's house. Part of the concern I would have is the possibility for accusations to be made. You have two teenagers sleeping together alone in a room. Even if nothing happens, if things ever go wrong with the friendship, accusations could be made.

If I had a son who had a female friend and I knew with certainty they were "just friends" and he had no sexual interest in her, I still would not let him sleepover her house. It isn't about not trusting the son. It's about not letting him be in a situation where he is vulnerable to accusations. Once he goes off to college, sure, it would be out of my hands. But at 14, you can still sort of protect them.

It sounds like OP has a good relationship with her daughter. And in theory, I think it's great advice to say "just ask her if she is friends or more than friends with the girl." But I don't think that's the only issue, especially if OP doesn't really know the parents (are they really conservative? would they freak out if they later found out that OP's daughter is gay and slept over their house with their daughter alone in a room? Would they, as a result of their freak out, pull some crazy nonsense, like make accusations, et cetera?) I don't know I think 14 is young. I think 14 year olds have enough they are sorting through. I think sleepovers -- especially in the politically charged and litigious society we live in right now -- just open the door to too much potential trouble.

OP, tell her she can have a late night out to watch movies and you'll pick her up when they're done.

But, that said, I think sleepovers are a bad idea for teenagers (all of them) anyhow. There was a thread recently where some PPs said they were of a different cultural background (most Asian/South Asian), and that sleepovers were a big no-no. A lot of that isn't because the parents don't trust their kids. It's because they understand that it isn't even about what actually happens or doesn't happen. It's about what people could say happened or didn't happen.

Personally, that seems to me the reason not to have teenage boys sleeping over with teenage girls (even if you are completely convinced they are just friends).

[Anonymous]

11:18 here. I read some other posts, and I think absolutely OP should NOT be telling/announcing to anyone her child's sexuality. That's her daughter's business. If her daughter wants to tell people, then that's up to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That other child is a minor, and the parent still has rights. If there was a boy at the sleepover, I'm sure most parents would let the other parents know. This issue is not different. If the kid doesn't want to "come out", then don't do the sleepover because it's not fair to the other parent to keep that hidden from them. It's not about the other parent not wanting their child around a gay child; it's about the possibility of sexual activity, which is why most parents of 14 yr olds wouldn't want their child at a sleepover with the opposite gender.

The parents' rights do not extend to the expectation that other parents betray the confidences of their own children.

Then don't do the sleepover because I think most parents would want to know. Wouldn't you want to know if your 14 yr old was going to a sleepover with the opposite gender?

This is not a case of a girl having a sleepover with a boy. This is a case of a girl having a sleepover with a girl.