If your child is gay or bi..how do you handle sleepovers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Then don't do the sleepover because I think most parents would want to know. Wouldn't you want to know if your 14 yr old was going to a sleepover with the opposite gender?

Should the OP also tell all of the parents of all of the girls the OP's daughter shares a locker room with? After all, wouldn't you want to know if your 14-year-old girl/boy were sharing a locker room with boys/girls? Or maybe the OP should just pull the OP's daughter out of all PE and sports?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 14 yr old DD recently told us she believes she is only attracted to women. She has a sleepover planned this weekend with a female friend from school. This is all new territory for ..how would you recommend we handle?

Candles and a romantic movie.

Ha.

[Anonymous]

I just found out that my 13yr old son is bi-curious. I am a father with a straight life and a bi history.

My intention is to have a enpathetic discussion with him and to continue to allow sleepovers. I intend to make it clear that sleepovers continue to be in public spaces and with open doors. I am fortunate that we have fallen into a pattern of me camping out in my room while he and his friends spent their time in the living room. I don't make a big deal of checking on them, but will occasionally/randomly pass through.

[Anonymous]

Experimentation with the same sex during sleepovers is the safest and healthiest way for adolescents to explore their sexualities.

[Anonymous]

Seven pages and I’m the first to point out that 14 years old doesn’t belong on the Elementary School Age page??

[Anonymous]

This is newly our situation. When DD came out to us at 12, it slowly dawned on us that sleepovers might be an issue. I’m unwilling to tell her that she can’t have this normal part of growing up. No sleepovers or closed bedroom door with a dating partner. This would have been the case with a boy if she was straight. Group sleepovers with girls are fine. No sleepovers with boys —even a gay one.
She’s out at school so I expect that any uneasy parents will address their concerns with us. Otherwise, DD knows our values about sex, relationships, intimacy, respect, and consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how camps are dealing with this problem.

Mine was at sleep away camp and fully out with no issue. No staff ever questioned her or set limits on her showering or changing around the other girls. It was completely drama free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seven pages and I’m the first to point out that 14 years old doesn’t belong on the Elementary School Age page??

Because this thread is 2+ years old and the elementary age category didn’t exist then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seven pages and I’m the first to point out that 14 years old doesn’t belong on the Elementary School Age page??

Because this thread is 2+ years old and the elementary age category didn’t exist then.

You mean the Teen category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seven pages and I’m the first to point out that 14 years old doesn’t belong on the Elementary School Age page??

Because this thread is 2+ years old and the elementary age category didn’t exist then.

You mean the Teen category.

Neither did elementary, wasn’t it called “school-age children” or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a sleepover party where there is a group of girls in attendance. You are talking about 2 girls.

The point is most people will not let their child have a sleepover with someone with whom there could be potential mutual attraction. I am not sure why the rules change b/c the child in question is gay.

Would I let my straight daughter have a sleep over with a boy, even if she said she wasn't attracted to him. Nope! Therefore how is it homophobic to say I would not let her have a sleep over with another lesbian, even if she wasn't attracted to her.

It has to be the same rules regardless of sexual orientation.

You are correct, sort of. What you're missing is that just because your kid hasn't told you they're gay, it doesn't mean they're straight. Your 14 yo son could be having circle jerk sleepovers with his buddies and you'd never know. The difference here is when a kid comes out at a young age- should all sleepovers be off limits?

I'm not sure, tbh.

I agree. I have heard all sorts of stories about girls experimenting with other girls at sleepovers, however as parents we have to work with the information that has been provided to us and our own observations in an effort to make reasonable decisions about what is right and wrong for our families.

No one said sleepovers should be banned but I think one-on-one sleepovers needs a little more investigation. It is not just an easy answer. Just as you would not automatically (if at all) let a boy sleep over with heterosexual DD, there is nothing wrong with asking more questions if DD believes she is homosexual. As a parent you have the same right to ask questions. For example if heterosexual DD wanted to have a sleep over with a homosexual male I would probably say yes more easily than I would if my lesbian DD wanted to have a sleep over with her lesbian friend. I don't thin there is a one size fits all answer for all kids and all families.

As for this situation, as I mentioned in a previous post maybe a sleepover in the living room might make more sense than a sleep over in the bedroom. Even though you would do your best to give the kids their privacy, they know someone could walk on them at anytime. See how it goes from there and re-evaluate if the sleepover with the same person comes up again.

Bingo. While I see the OP's point for a specific scenario, it's also pretty amazing to see the number of parents who think that no sexual conversation/experimentation happens at sleepovers with kids who aren't interested in dating or who aren't gay/bi/other.

On the one hand, the age of the child in question makes me wonder why it's on an elementary school forum thread, but on the other hand, my niece (age 9) talks about kids in her class who "mess around" at sleepovers and the various things that can mean. They bring their phones and look at porn, look up sexual terms on urban dictionary, and apparently compare personal development with each other. And that's the part she's told me about - who knows what else goes on when the grownups finally leave them alone. I just read a comedian's memoir who said that she was 8 when a friend taught the group of friends to masturbate at a sleepover. Do I think that's all kids? Probably not, but all it takes is one kid with information and there is going to be a very interested audience taking it all in.

Each generation seems to get amnesia as adults about how curious and persistent kids are about learning anything they can about sex and maybe even trying it out, regardless of whether an adult decides that they are ready for it. Even if it's not happening at sleepovers, it's happening. Kidding yourself into thinking your kid doesn't care about it yet AT 14 YEARS OLD is simply naive. Even my childhood before the internet - my sweet friend since kindergarten brought a hustler magazine to a 10th grade sleepover and we all read it with great interest. No one did anything with each other at that sleepover, but boy were my eyes opened to things that had never even occurred to me despite assuming I knew a whole lot. There were a group of us, and we were camping out in my family room. Could my parents have walked in at any time we were reading that magazine? Sure, but we would have had plenty of warning to hide evidence. We were good kids - definitely the last ones parents or school would have pegged for that activity, but boy was it fun.

Does my kid go to sleepovers? Yep, and I think it will be ok. We've tried to make her so much more informed about her own body, male gaze, consent, etc that she'll hopefully have a much more robust and clear set of options that I didn't have from my own very well intentioned but very "in charge" parents. I guess my point is that in the grand scheme of things, it's wise to make sure kids in your care are protected. At the same time, this hawk-like hovering seems to be giving many of you a false sense of having provided adequate insurance that Nothing Will Happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of those saying it's ok and have straight kids - do you let your kids have co-Ed slumber parties as long as they say they aren't romantically involved? At what age? I'd like to think I'm fairly progressive, but this seems a little nuts to me, whether the kids are gay or straight.

I had a sleepover in high school that was co-ed, since I had a friend group of guys and girls. We all slept in the living room, there were 5 of us. (2 guys and 3 girls, no romantic/sexual involvement for any parties)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Warn the other parents

Uh NO

Homophobe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Warn the other parents

Warn other parents about parents like you !!! So rude of you !!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a sleepover party where there is a group of girls in attendance. You are talking about 2 girls.

The point is most people will not let their child have a sleepover with someone with whom there could be potential mutual attraction. I am not sure why the rules change b/c the child in question is gay.

Would I let my straight daughter have a sleep over with a boy, even if she said she wasn't attracted to him. Nope! Therefore how is it homophobic to say I would not let her have a sleep over with another lesbian, even if she wasn't attracted to her.

It has to be the same rules regardless of sexual orientation.

You are correct, sort of. What you're missing is that just because your kid hasn't told you they're gay, it doesn't mean they're straight. Your 14 yo son could be having circle jerk sleepovers with his buddies and you'd never know. The difference here is when a kid comes out at a young age- should all sleepovers be off limits?

I'm not sure, tbh.

I agree. I have heard all sorts of stories about girls experimenting with other girls at sleepovers, however as parents we have to work with the information that has been provided to us and our own observations in an effort to make reasonable decisions about what is right and wrong for our families.

No one said sleepovers should be banned but I think one-on-one sleepovers needs a little more investigation. It is not just an easy answer. Just as you would not automatically (if at all) let a boy sleep over with heterosexual DD, there is nothing wrong with asking more questions if DD believes she is homosexual. As a parent you have the same right to ask questions. For example if heterosexual DD wanted to have a sleep over with a homosexual male I would probably say yes more easily than I would if my lesbian DD wanted to have a sleep over with her lesbian friend. I don't thin there is a one size fits all answer for all kids and all families.

As for this situation, as I mentioned in a previous post maybe a sleepover in the living room might make more sense than a sleep over in the bedroom. Even though you would do your best to give the kids their privacy, they know someone could walk on them at anytime. See how it goes from there and re-evaluate if the sleepover with the same person comes up again.

Bingo. While I see the OP's point for a specific scenario, it's also pretty amazing to see the number of parents who think that no sexual conversation/experimentation happens at sleepovers with kids who aren't interested in dating or who aren't gay/bi/other.

On the one hand, the age of the child in question makes me wonder why it's on an elementary school forum thread, but on the other hand, my niece (age 9) talks about kids in her class who "mess around" at sleepovers and the various things that can mean. They bring their phones and look at porn, look up sexual terms on urban dictionary, and apparently compare personal development with each other. And that's the part she's told me about - who knows what else goes on when the grownups finally leave them alone. I just read a comedian's memoir who said that she was 8 when a friend taught the group of friends to masturbate at a sleepover. Do I think that's all kids? Probably not, but all it takes is one kid with information and there is going to be a very interested audience taking it all in.

Each generation seems to get amnesia as adults about how curious and persistent kids are about learning anything they can about sex and maybe even trying it out, regardless of whether an adult decides that they are ready for it. Even if it's not happening at sleepovers, it's happening. Kidding yourself into thinking your kid doesn't care about it yet AT 14 YEARS OLD is simply naive. Even my childhood before the internet - my sweet friend since kindergarten brought a hustler magazine to a 10th grade sleepover and we all read it with great interest. No one did anything with each other at that sleepover, but boy were my eyes opened to things that had never even occurred to me despite assuming I knew a whole lot. There were a group of us, and we were camping out in my family room. Could my parents have walked in at any time we were reading that magazine? Sure, but we would have had plenty of warning to hide evidence. We were good kids - definitely the last ones parents or school would have pegged for that activity, but boy was it fun.

Does my kid go to sleepovers? Yep, and I think it will be ok. We've tried to make her so much more informed about her own body, male gaze, consent, etc that she'll hopefully have a much more robust and clear set of options that I didn't have from my own very well intentioned but very "in charge" parents. I guess my point is that in the grand scheme of things, it's wise to make sure kids in your care are protected. At the same time, this hawk-like hovering seems to be giving many of you a false sense of having provided adequate insurance that Nothing Will Happen.

AND , for this very reason I detest sleep overs ! I have heard horrible things about brothers and cousins and dads at the hosts house...who looked all so nice