DW not in love anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Surreal is a good word. Just at a complete loss of what to do almost, and it's not like those things I know she wants are really going to fix anything. I'd be thrilled if they did, but I think if we get there she will look up and be in the same place.

She might not even have admitted this to herself.

Why not try doing those things she wants? I know you don't think they will help, and maybe they won't, but if you want your fix your marriage as much as you say you do, isn't it worth a try? It kind of feels like you're telling yourself this as an excuse so you don't have to actually do anything differently.

This. Exactly this.

+1 from me, as well. OP- you seem like a whiny bitch. "It'll never work..." "crying out" "what if there's no love waiting for me"...

Listen, my dude: Love isn't just sitting around waiting for your ass. Love is a verb, it is an action that requires WORK on your part. Especially if you've screwed up in some major way(s), which you kinda sorta admit that you have (though how is anyone's guess). Get to work!

[Anonymous]

And get off the internet!

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read through all the comments so maybe you've addressed this, but you haven't told us what big things your wife has had to get past. If you broke her trust, it will take time for you to earn it back. Only after the trust is restored can you reasonably expect her to fall back in love with you. You might just need to keep your expectations low for a while and focus on creating a climate where she can eventually fall back in love with you. Pushing her to feel or act a certain way now is certain to elicit the resigned, "so tired" responses. It sounds like she is just worn out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read through all the comments so maybe you've addressed this, but you haven't told us what big things your wife has had to get past. If you broke her trust, it will take time for you to earn it back. Only after the trust is restored can you reasonably expect her to fall back in love with you. You might just need to keep your expectations low for a while and focus on creating a climate where she can eventually fall back in love with you. Pushing her to feel or act a certain way now is certain to elicit the resigned, "so tired" responses. It sounds like she is just worn out.

PP here. I just want to add that I think it is entirely possible to fall in and out of love--and back in again--with a spouse. Marital love is like anything else in life: it needs to be nurtured to survive. The fact that you are in therapy together suggests that she is still committed to your marriage. That is good, so focus on seeing the half-full glass. Realize that marriage is not a commitment to stay in love for always; it is a commitment to always giving oneself the time and opportunity to fall back in love when it feels impossible. Try telling her that you recognize that her feelings for you have changed and that that is okay, then ask that she give herself a year to work on seeing you in a new way while remaining open to the possibility of someday getting those feelings back. Then stop pressuring her to love you and start doing whatever it is she wants you to do to make her feel loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Surreal is a good word. Just at a complete loss of what to do almost, and it's not like those things I know she wants are really going to fix anything. I'd be thrilled if they did, but I think if we get there she will look up and be in the same place.

She might not even have admitted this to herself.

Why not try doing those things she wants? I know you don't think they will help, and maybe they won't, but if you want your fix your marriage as much as you say you do, isn't it worth a try? It kind of feels like you're telling yourself this as an excuse so you don't have to actually do anything differently.

This. Exactly this.

+1 from me, as well. OP- you seem like a whiny bitch. "It'll never work..." "crying out" "what if there's no love waiting for me"...

Listen, my dude: Love isn't just sitting around waiting for your ass. Love is a verb, it is an action that requires WORK on your part. Especially if you've screwed up in some major way(s), which you kinda sorta admit that you have (though how is anyone's guess). Get to work!

EXACTLY! It always amuses me when people say, "Oh no, I have no one, I can't believe this happened!" Um, HELLO?! It's all your doing! If you are serious about wanting a good relationship, you can't expect it to just fall in your lap. It's time to commence the foot rubs, the communication, taking her out to dinner, doing nice things for her, focusing on her. If this is too tall of an order for you, then admit you aren't willing to do the work instead of sitting around with a "poor little old me" attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP's being cagey about what he did. If he can't be honest with a bunch of strangers on the Internets that by and large want to help him, he won't be honest with his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's being cagey about what he did. If he can't be honest with a bunch of strangers on the Internets that by and large want to help him, he won't be honest with his wife.

x2. Sounds like a withholding asshole. No matter his wife is sick of it.

[Anonymous]

Nothing like having evidence staring you in the face and still hoping and choosing the wrong path. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

op if you cheated, there may be no going back. Some people just can't forgive that. Short of that, if you can get her to remember why she fell in love with you in the first place, you might be alright. Get back to being that guy. Also put sex on the back burner. Actually take it off the stove for now. If/when she has the hots for you again she'll let you know.

Are you out of shape? Get to the gym before she and the kids are up in the mornings and be back in time to help out. She will appreciate that you are working to better yourself without sacrificing family time.

How is your personal hygiene? Get your shit together on that front. Being clean and smelling nice is important.

If your clothes are old, get new ones, including socks and underwear. Dress like you are trying to impress women; either it will help with her or you'll be ahead of the game when you are back in the game.

Are you pulling your weight around the house? If not, get to it. If you are, take on some of her chores without asking her. Yeah you shouldn't have to, but you are trying to get out of the doghouse, so do it.

Fix some shit around the house. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Install shelving to organize the garage or pantry or put in a new light fixture or ceiling fan. Anything involving tools. Women seem to like that for some reason.

Do you show her non sexual physical affection? When you get home give her a big hug and squeeze and a kiss on the cheek without copping a feel or rubbing your junk on her. Do this every day, even if she gives you the cold shoulder. Eventually she will soften.

Ask her how her day was and listen to what she says. Ask questions she can't answer with a yes or no.

Do something the kids love, just you and them. Mom gets some alone time and gets to see you being a good dad as well. Plus the kids love some time with just dad. Win win for everybody.

What are her interests / hobbies? If she is a SAHM, take a day off from work, let her sleep in and get the kids dressed / lunches made and off to school for her and make a day of doing something she really enjoys. Don't just spring it on her either because although surprises are nice in theory, some women (like my DW) would be more stressed than pleased because of things possibly going wrong. If she works outside the home, ask her to take the day off w you and do the same thing.

Spend quality time with her, and spend quality time with her and the kids. Forget about what you want for a while, because it really doesn't matter if you get your immediate needs met but ultimately lose the relationship.

Don't be emotionally clingy or needy, or sexually clingy or needy. Project a strong, confident, independent attitude. Even a bit sexually aloof would be good, but again show nonsexual physical affection without overdoing it.

Also give her a good night kiss and tell her you love her. Every. Night.

This will likely take months, but if you really want to salvage things you have to give it your all.

In sum, become somebody she would want to date, and then date her. If you can put aside your pride and do that, maybe she will fall back in love with you.

[Anonymous]

So sad OP, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Surreal is a good word. Just at a complete loss of what to do almost, and it's not like those things I know she wants are really going to fix anything. I'd be thrilled if they did, but I think if we get there she will look up and be in the same place.

She might not even have admitted this to herself.

Why not try doing those things she wants? I know you don't think they will help, and maybe they won't, but if you want your fix your marriage as much as you say you do, isn't it worth a try? It kind of feels like you're telling yourself this as an excuse so you don't have to actually do anything differently.

OP here. I will and more. It just hit me with a ton of bricks that even if I do everything she needs/wants to be in a position to get past things, there may not be any love waiting at the end.

I'm the original surreal poster. She gave me a big wake up call with an emotional affair with a work colleague. I forgave her and started helping out more. Coincidentally my income skyrocketed (reaping what I sowed during the early years). She is still saying she is not in love with me. It's frustrating because I am willing to make any amends. It's sad that I would need to divorce and start over showering the new woman with the benefit of what I learned in the first current marriage. I've told her this. She doesn't care. So so sad. Get over it!! I am sorry. I didn't think I was that bad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op if you cheated, there may be no going back. Some people just can't forgive that. Short of that, if you can get her to remember why she fell in love with you in the first place, you might be alright. Get back to being that guy. Also put sex on the back burner. Actually take it off the stove for now. If/when she has the hots for you again she'll let you know.

Are you out of shape? Get to the gym before she and the kids are up in the mornings and be back in time to help out. She will appreciate that you are working to better yourself without sacrificing family time.

How is your personal hygiene? Get your shit together on that front. Being clean and smelling nice is important.

If your clothes are old, get new ones, including socks and underwear. Dress like you are trying to impress women; either it will help with her or you'll be ahead of the game when you are back in the game.

Are you pulling your weight around the house? If not, get to it. If you are, take on some of her chores without asking her. Yeah you shouldn't have to, but you are trying to get out of the doghouse, so do it.

Fix some shit around the house. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Install shelving to organize the garage or pantry or put in a new light fixture or ceiling fan. Anything involving tools. Women seem to like that for some reason.

Do you show her non sexual physical affection? When you get home give her a big hug and squeeze and a kiss on the cheek without copping a feel or rubbing your junk on her. Do this every day, even if she gives you the cold shoulder. Eventually she will soften.

Ask her how her day was and listen to what she says. Ask questions she can't answer with a yes or no.

Do something the kids love, just you and them. Mom gets some alone time and gets to see you being a good dad as well. Plus the kids love some time with just dad. Win win for everybody.

What are her interests / hobbies? If she is a SAHM, take a day off from work, let her sleep in and get the kids dressed / lunches made and off to school for her and make a day of doing something she really enjoys. Don't just spring it on her either because although surprises are nice in theory, some women (like my DW) would be more stressed than pleased because of things possibly going wrong. If she works outside the home, ask her to take the day off w you and do the same thing.

Spend quality time with her, and spend quality time with her and the kids. Forget about what you want for a while, because it really doesn't matter if you get your immediate needs met but ultimately lose the relationship.

Don't be emotionally clingy or needy, or sexually clingy or needy. Project a strong, confident, independent attitude. Even a bit sexually aloof would be good, but again show nonsexual physical affection without overdoing it.

Also give her a good night kiss and tell her you love her. Every. Night.

This will likely take months, but if you really want to salvage things you have to give it your all.

In sum, become somebody she would want to date, and then date her. If you can put aside your pride and do that, maybe she will fall back in love with you.

I've read this on the self help sites. Didn't work for me.

[Anonymous]

Im sorry. I hope it all works out. I hope that you each find happiness either together or apart (but without hurting each other further in the meantime).

FWIW, your wife is lucky to have someone who loves her so dearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through the same thing. It is actually surreal to say the least. We had such great times and she was so in love. After three kids and life over the last ten years she has so much bottled up resentment and can only focus on the negative. So sad.

I think this is true for a lot of DWs, sadly. I went through a period of this, too. The only way we got over this hump was for us to change our lives and for DH to realize that he was not the only one who had to give up some things after kids came along.

DW here. I am very resentful at my DH for the years of my shouldering the emotional burden of having a family. I woke up and realized that I do not have an equal partner. I don't want to lose my family, but I am questioningwhether this has sucked all of the love I ever had for DH. We are in therapy so only time will tell.

So many men do this. I am an unmarried, unpregnant young woman. But hearing about this happening time and time again seriously makes me wonder if the best route would be making a good amount of money and becoming a single mom. I cannot imagine the emotional loneliness of having to raise a child AND navigate the temper tantrums of a selfish DH.

It sucks. It's draining.

[Anonymous]

" Frankly dear, I don't give a damn"?