DW not in love anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through the same thing. It is actually surreal to say the least. We had such great times and she was so in love. After three kids and life over the last ten years she has so much bottled up resentment and can only focus on the negative. So sad.

I think this is true for a lot of DWs, sadly. I went through a period of this, too. The only way we got over this hump was for us to change our lives and for DH to realize that he was not the only one who had to give up some things after kids came along.

DW here. I am very resentful at my DH for the years of my shouldering the emotional burden of having a family. I woke up and realized that I do not have an equal partner. I don't want to lose my family, but I am questioningwhether this has sucked all of the love I ever had for DH. We are in therapy so only time will tell.

Me too. It's been years of being the outlet for all his frustrations, him waffling between denying and apologizing for it, me struggling without help while I try to make everything perfect so he won't have a reason to be stressed etc. I just shit down. I have no more to give. He's finally coming around but I feel like a shell. I have nothing to give.

I think a lot of men do this and then they are totally baffled when the wife finally has had enough and checks out herself. Honestly, it amuses me. You reap what you sow, you get what you give.

If you act like a shit and a spoiled brat for years, dont be surprised when no one wants to be around you anymore. That's how life works. A marriage certificate is not a carte blanche approval to act like a jerk and have your spouse put up with it.

I'm a DW who relates to this. I did years of being the main caretaker for our child while working full time and being utterly emotionally and physically neglected. A month ago, I finally told him straight up that I wanted to separate. Now all of the sudden, he is paying attention to me and treating me better. It feels like it may be too late. Fool me once...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she's staying for th kids OP. Sorry.

OP here - yeah, think I realized that a couple weeks ago. Also, more recently I woke up to that, 7+ months on from this first post, it's not so much that she doesn't love me - which she doesn't other than "if he died tomorrow I would be sad" kind of way I would say - but that she doesn't even like me. Not that she actively dislikes me, but just that she comes home to two wonderful DDs and this other person who also lives in the house. This person loves, and is very helpful in managing, DDs. He also does other helpful things around the house and the 4 of them take vacations together, helps support everyone and is financially responsible, etc., but for whom she has no feelings. E.g., a relative died a few weeks back when she was in California and other than an obligatory "sorry" via email, when she returned she didn't even mention it. No "how are you feeling, how is the rest of the family doing, etc." Nothing. Admittedly it wasn't my mother, but someone I've known my entire life just the same. I got more sympathy from my therapist and my MIL.

Only explanation other than an AP is that she's staying for the kids and seeing me isn't too horrible, at least for the time being. As for an AP, I don't think so, although I suspect something more serious went on earlier this year with someone than she was willing to admit at the time. Hard to bring up again without being sure.

Other than that, all is f$$$king swell!

[Anonymous]

What do you think she did OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she's staying for th kids OP. Sorry.

OP here - yeah, think I realized that a couple weeks ago. Also, more recently I woke up to that, 7+ months on from this first post, it's not so much that she doesn't love me - which she doesn't other than "if he died tomorrow I would be sad" kind of way I would say - but that she doesn't even like me. Not that she actively dislikes me, but just that she comes home to two wonderful DDs and this other person who also lives in the house. This person loves, and is very helpful in managing, DDs. He also does other helpful things around the house and the 4 of them take vacations together, helps support everyone and is financially responsible, etc., but for whom she has no feelings. E.g., a relative died a few weeks back when she was in California and other than an obligatory "sorry" via email, when she returned she didn't even mention it. No "how are you feeling, how is the rest of the family doing, etc." Nothing. Admittedly it wasn't my mother, but someone I've known my entire life just the same. I got more sympathy from my therapist and my MIL.

Only explanation other than an AP is that she's staying for the kids and seeing me isn't too horrible, at least for the time being. As for an AP, I don't think so, although I suspect something more serious went on earlier this year with someone than she was willing to admit at the time. Hard to bring up again without being sure.

Other than that, all is f$$$king swell!

Feelings are over-rated; your marriage would have been considered perfectly fine all through history up to about 50 years ago (and in many places still today)

[Anonymous]

You never did tell us what you did to break her trust, and what other things you did to cause issues. Why won't you address this? It's pretty key to understanding why she feels the way she does now. If you're as evasive with her as you are here, it's no wonder she's keeping her emotional distance. She has no reason to trust you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never did tell us what you did to break her trust, and what other things you did to cause issues. Why won't you address this? It's pretty key to understanding why she feels the way she does now. If you're as evasive with her as you are here, it's no wonder she's keeping her emotional distance. She has no reason to trust you.

x2

[Anonymous]

If you are a single woman, dating divorced men or single dads, you soon find out why their wives didn't want them.

OP, what did you do to cause your wife to lose trust in you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never did tell us what you did to break her trust, and what other things you did to cause issues. Why won't you address this? It's pretty key to understanding why she feels the way she does now. If you're as evasive with her as you are here, it's no wonder she's keeping her emotional distance. She has no reason to trust you.

I know usually women only throw this out when the wife's reactions are noticeably out of kilter, but it's more a "how can I blame the male OP for this". Here, you admit you did something wrong, but won't say what it was.

Vagueposting infuriates me.

[Anonymous]

you meaning the OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, what gives your wife reason not to love you? You chose to post, so spill. Also, why won't you do what she wants or at least acknollege that she wants it? I'm assuming she doesn't want a rocket ship to the moon. Even if you can't say buy that beach house in the Cayman Islands, you could probably plan a trip there and acknollege that she's not wrong for wanting it. Just reading your posts, I'd feel and act as if I had better things to do also. "Going to counceling" doesn't mean you get to sit in a councelor's office for an hour and then treat your wife poorly the other 175 hours of the week.

[Anonymous]

OP, you could be my DH but for a few altered facts. I dont actually think you are, but just in case, or maybe this will help you:

You're right, I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm going to counseling with you, which should indicate that I would like things to be different and dont want to break up our family if I can help it. I do want to fall in love with you again. I dont hate you, we are good co-parents and you are a great dad. It makes all the sense in the world that we should try to make this work. But while you acknowledge that you did something that really broke my trust (and no, it was not cheating), you dont seem to realize how deeply it affected me in other ways - all the ways I worked around you, created my own meaning in life and protected the kids while you were off behaving badly... you may have just come out of your fog and realized it, but for me it was a very long dark period with lots of layers of complexity added and I cant just snap my fingers and will them all away or be 'over it.' I wish I could but I'm still mad as hell, and some of the pieces dont just go away because you're back and want my attention. And every time you give me that sad puppy dog look that says 'please love me' I get mad all over again.

so here's what I recommend you do. First and foremost, give me room to heal, and recognize that the wounds are deep. Stop making me feel bad for not hugging and kissing you goodbye every morning when we part. I'll do it when I'm ready, and you being pushy makes me feel like you're not really owning how badly you messed up and how hard this is - you're trying to white wash it. I know I'm not the most lovable right now either because I'm struggling with this and I'm tired and grumpy and stressed, but do what you can to go the extra mile. Take care of me a little bit, try to make me feel loved, try to help me remember why I loved you back before it all fell apart. I dont mean do all the chores around the house (you've always done your share there) but send me a nice text sometimes; let me sleep in when it's my turn to get up with the kids; rub my feet... just make me feel like you want to make me happy, like you're not 'doing me a favor' every time you start dinner but rather are happy to do something for me. I need you to take the lead here - remind me what it feels like to be loved and give me space to heal, and I promise, I am trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read through all the comments so maybe you've addressed this, but you haven't told us what big things your wife has had to get past. If you broke her trust, it will take time for you to earn it back. Only after the trust is restored can you reasonably expect her to fall back in love with you. You might just need to keep your expectations low for a while and focus on creating a climate where she can eventually fall back in love with you. Pushing her to feel or act a certain way now is certain to elicit the resigned, "so tired" responses. It sounds like she is just worn out.

PP here. I just want to add that I think it is entirely possible to fall in and out of love--and back in again--with a spouse. Marital love is like anything else in life: it needs to be nurtured to survive. The fact that you are in therapy together suggests that she is still committed to your marriage. That is good, so focus on seeing the half-full glass. Realize that marriage is not a commitment to stay in love for always; it is a commitment to always giving oneself the time and opportunity to fall back in love when it feels impossible. Try telling her that you recognize that her feelings for you have changed and that that is okay, then ask that she give herself a year to work on seeing you in a new way while remaining open to the possibility of someday getting those feelings back. Then stop pressuring her to love you and start doing whatever it is she wants you to do to make her feel loved.

20:11 here and I think this is dead on. I hope my actual DH reads this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you could be my DH but for a few altered facts. I dont actually think you are, but just in case, or maybe this will help you:

You're right, I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm going to counseling with you, which should indicate that I would like things to be different and dont want to break up our family if I can help it. I do want to fall in love with you again. I dont hate you, we are good co-parents and you are a great dad. It makes all the sense in the world that we should try to make this work. But while you acknowledge that you did something that really broke my trust (and no, it was not cheating), you dont seem to realize how deeply it affected me in other ways - all the ways I worked around you, created my own meaning in life and protected the kids while you were off behaving badly... you may have just come out of your fog and realized it, but for me it was a very long dark period with lots of layers of complexity added and I cant just snap my fingers and will them all away or be 'over it.' I wish I could but I'm still mad as hell, and some of the pieces dont just go away because you're back and want my attention. And every time you give me that sad puppy dog look that says 'please love me' I get mad all over again.

so here's what I recommend you do. First and foremost, give me room to heal, and recognize that the wounds are deep. Stop making me feel bad for not hugging and kissing you goodbye every morning when we part. I'll do it when I'm ready, and you being pushy makes me feel like you're not really owning how badly you messed up and how hard this is - you're trying to white wash it. I know I'm not the most lovable right now either because I'm struggling with this and I'm tired and grumpy and stressed, but do what you can to go the extra mile. Take care of me a little bit, try to make me feel loved, try to help me remember why I loved you back before it all fell apart. I dont mean do all the chores around the house (you've always done your share there) but send me a nice text sometimes; let me sleep in when it's my turn to get up with the kids; rub my feet... just make me feel like you want to make me happy, like you're not 'doing me a favor' every time you start dinner but rather are happy to do something for me. I need you to take the lead here - remind me what it feels like to be loved and give me space to heal, and I promise, I am trying.

Step it up OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you could be my DH but for a few altered facts. I dont actually think you are, but just in case, or maybe this will help you:

You're right, I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm going to counseling with you, which should indicate that I would like things to be different and dont want to break up our family if I can help it. I do want to fall in love with you again. I dont hate you, we are good co-parents and you are a great dad. It makes all the sense in the world that we should try to make this work. But while you acknowledge that you did something that really broke my trust (and no, it was not cheating), you dont seem to realize how deeply it affected me in other ways - all the ways I worked around you, created my own meaning in life and protected the kids while you were off behaving badly... you may have just come out of your fog and realized it, but for me it was a very long dark period with lots of layers of complexity added and I cant just snap my fingers and will them all away or be 'over it.' I wish I could but I'm still mad as hell, and some of the pieces dont just go away because you're back and want my attention. And every time you give me that sad puppy dog look that says 'please love me' I get mad all over again.

so here's what I recommend you do. First and foremost, give me room to heal, and recognize that the wounds are deep. Stop making me feel bad for not hugging and kissing you goodbye every morning when we part. I'll do it when I'm ready, and you being pushy makes me feel like you're not really owning how badly you messed up and how hard this is - you're trying to white wash it. I know I'm not the most lovable right now either because I'm struggling with this and I'm tired and grumpy and stressed, but do what you can to go the extra mile. Take care of me a little bit, try to make me feel loved, try to help me remember why I loved you back before it all fell apart. I dont mean do all the chores around the house (you've always done your share there) but send me a nice text sometimes; let me sleep in when it's my turn to get up with the kids; rub my feet... just make me feel like you want to make me happy, like you're not 'doing me a favor' every time you start dinner but rather are happy to do something for me. I need you to take the lead here - remind me what it feels like to be loved and give me space to heal, and I promise, I am trying.

How long do you suspect your feeling this way has lasted and will last? My wife has been in this funk for a year and I am at wits end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you could be my DH but for a few altered facts. I dont actually think you are, but just in case, or maybe this will help you:

You're right, I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm going to counseling with you, which should indicate that I would like things to be different and dont want to break up our family if I can help it. I do want to fall in love with you again. I dont hate you, we are good co-parents and you are a great dad. It makes all the sense in the world that we should try to make this work. But while you acknowledge that you did something that really broke my trust (and no, it was not cheating), you dont seem to realize how deeply it affected me in other ways - all the ways I worked around you, created my own meaning in life and protected the kids while you were off behaving badly... you may have just come out of your fog and realized it, but for me it was a very long dark period with lots of layers of complexity added and I cant just snap my fingers and will them all away or be 'over it.' I wish I could but I'm still mad as hell, and some of the pieces dont just go away because you're back and want my attention. And every time you give me that sad puppy dog look that says 'please love me' I get mad all over again.

so here's what I recommend you do. First and foremost, give me room to heal, and recognize that the wounds are deep. Stop making me feel bad for not hugging and kissing you goodbye every morning when we part. I'll do it when I'm ready, and you being pushy makes me feel like you're not really owning how badly you messed up and how hard this is - you're trying to white wash it. I know I'm not the most lovable right now either because I'm struggling with this and I'm tired and grumpy and stressed, but do what you can to go the extra mile. Take care of me a little bit, try to make me feel loved, try to help me remember why I loved you back before it all fell apart. I dont mean do all the chores around the house (you've always done your share there) but send me a nice text sometimes; let me sleep in when it's my turn to get up with the kids; rub my feet... just make me feel like you want to make me happy, like you're not 'doing me a favor' every time you start dinner but rather are happy to do something for me. I need you to take the lead here - remind me what it feels like to be loved and give me space to heal, and I promise, I am trying.

How long do you suspect your feeling this way has lasted and will last? My wife has been in this funk for a year and I am at wits end.

See, you just made this about YOU, and I'm going to guess she senses this and feels like you're in a hurry for her to love you again for your benefit, rather than you really wanting her to get to the root of why she is so hurt, work through it, and be ready in her own mind. If you were my DH, I would say that this is more of the same selfish behavior that started this whole thing. And every time I get that sense from him, it sets me back because I start to wonder if he really has moved on from that behavior...

I think the post I quoted at 20:18 is really brilliant - the sooner you step back and make clear that what you really want is for her to do what she needs to do to reach her own conclusion (which of course you hope is forgive, trust, love you), the faster it will go. What you're doing right now is the equivalent of standing next to her impatiently tapping your foot while she decides what to choose from the menu, and I dont know about you but that behavior really ticks me off and makes it much harder for me to really decide what i want!