DW not in love anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you could be my DH but for a few altered facts. I dont actually think you are, but just in case, or maybe this will help you:

You're right, I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm going to counseling with you, which should indicate that I would like things to be different and dont want to break up our family if I can help it. I do want to fall in love with you again. I dont hate you, we are good co-parents and you are a great dad. It makes all the sense in the world that we should try to make this work. But while you acknowledge that you did something that really broke my trust (and no, it was not cheating), you dont seem to realize how deeply it affected me in other ways - all the ways I worked around you, created my own meaning in life and protected the kids while you were off behaving badly... you may have just come out of your fog and realized it, but for me it was a very long dark period with lots of layers of complexity added and I cant just snap my fingers and will them all away or be 'over it.' I wish I could but I'm still mad as hell, and some of the pieces dont just go away because you're back and want my attention. And every time you give me that sad puppy dog look that says 'please love me' I get mad all over again.

so here's what I recommend you do. First and foremost, give me room to heal, and recognize that the wounds are deep. Stop making me feel bad for not hugging and kissing you goodbye every morning when we part. I'll do it when I'm ready, and you being pushy makes me feel like you're not really owning how badly you messed up and how hard this is - you're trying to white wash it. I know I'm not the most lovable right now either because I'm struggling with this and I'm tired and grumpy and stressed, but do what you can to go the extra mile. Take care of me a little bit, try to make me feel loved, try to help me remember why I loved you back before it all fell apart. I dont mean do all the chores around the house (you've always done your share there) but send me a nice text sometimes; let me sleep in when it's my turn to get up with the kids; rub my feet... just make me feel like you want to make me happy, like you're not 'doing me a favor' every time you start dinner but rather are happy to do something for me. I need you to take the lead here - remind me what it feels like to be loved and give me space to heal, and I promise, I am trying.

How long do you suspect your feeling this way has lasted and will last? My wife has been in this funk for a year and I am at wits end.

See, you just made this about YOU, and I'm going to guess she senses this and feels like you're in a hurry for her to love you again for your benefit, rather than you really wanting her to get to the root of why she is so hurt, work through it, and be ready in her own mind. If you were my DH, I would say that this is more of the same selfish behavior that started this whole thing. And every time I get that sense from him, it sets me back because I start to wonder if he really has moved on from that behavior...

I think the post I quoted at 20:18 is really brilliant - the sooner you step back and make clear that what you really want is for her to do what she needs to do to reach her own conclusion (which of course you hope is forgive, trust, love you), the faster it will go. What you're doing right now is the equivalent of standing next to her impatiently tapping your foot while she decides what to choose from the menu, and I dont know about you but that behavior really ticks me off and makes it much harder for me to really decide what i want!

You are absolutely right. But it is so hard because I do get impatient. Life is short. I repeatedly tell her let's fix this and of course I get the reaction you describe. For the last three days or so I have tried to step back as has says (you are clearly describing my situation.). At what point is it insanity to live in a grey zone. We committed to love each other. I know staying home and raising kids was rough and I was often an ass. But I get it now and let me in!! For the love of God!

[Anonymous]

You got to figure it out on your own PP. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you could be my DH but for a few altered facts. I dont actually think you are, but just in case, or maybe this will help you:

You're right, I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm going to counseling with you, which should indicate that I would like things to be different and dont want to break up our family if I can help it. I do want to fall in love with you again. I dont hate you, we are good co-parents and you are a great dad. It makes all the sense in the world that we should try to make this work. But while you acknowledge that you did something that really broke my trust (and no, it was not cheating), you dont seem to realize how deeply it affected me in other ways - all the ways I worked around you, created my own meaning in life and protected the kids while you were off behaving badly... you may have just come out of your fog and realized it, but for me it was a very long dark period with lots of layers of complexity added and I cant just snap my fingers and will them all away or be 'over it.' I wish I could but I'm still mad as hell, and some of the pieces dont just go away because you're back and want my attention. And every time you give me that sad puppy dog look that says 'please love me' I get mad all over again.

so here's what I recommend you do. First and foremost, give me room to heal, and recognize that the wounds are deep. Stop making me feel bad for not hugging and kissing you goodbye every morning when we part. I'll do it when I'm ready, and you being pushy makes me feel like you're not really owning how badly you messed up and how hard this is - you're trying to white wash it. I know I'm not the most lovable right now either because I'm struggling with this and I'm tired and grumpy and stressed, but do what you can to go the extra mile. Take care of me a little bit, try to make me feel loved, try to help me remember why I loved you back before it all fell apart. I dont mean do all the chores around the house (you've always done your share there) but send me a nice text sometimes; let me sleep in when it's my turn to get up with the kids; rub my feet... just make me feel like you want to make me happy, like you're not 'doing me a favor' every time you start dinner but rather are happy to do something for me. I need you to take the lead here - remind me what it feels like to be loved and give me space to heal, and I promise, I am trying.

How long do you suspect your feeling this way has lasted and will last? My wife has been in this funk for a year and I am at wits end.

See, you just made this about YOU, and I'm going to guess she senses this and feels like you're in a hurry for her to love you again for your benefit, rather than you really wanting her to get to the root of why she is so hurt, work through it, and be ready in her own mind. If you were my DH, I would say that this is more of the same selfish behavior that started this whole thing. And every time I get that sense from him, it sets me back because I start to wonder if he really has moved on from that behavior...

I think the post I quoted at 20:18 is really brilliant - the sooner you step back and make clear that what you really want is for her to do what she needs to do to reach her own conclusion (which of course you hope is forgive, trust, love you), the faster it will go. What you're doing right now is the equivalent of standing next to her impatiently tapping your foot while she decides what to choose from the menu, and I dont know about you but that behavior really ticks me off and makes it much harder for me to really decide what i want!

You are absolutely right. But it is so hard because I do get impatient. Life is short. I repeatedly tell her let's fix this and of course I get the reaction you describe. For the last three days or so I have tried to step back as has says (you are clearly describing my situation.). At what point is it insanity to live in a grey zone. We committed to love each other. I know staying home and raising kids was rough and I was often an ass. But I get it now and let me in!! For the love of God!

How long were you an ass for?

It will probably take a while to show that you really do get it. It's easy to be on your best behavior for a short period of time. She needs to see you stay the course for a while, to make sure you really have changed from within.

[Anonymous]

Come on OP, spill it. Looks like your DW may have already found the thread so why are you hiding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read through all the comments so maybe you've addressed this, but you haven't told us what big things your wife has had to get past. If you broke her trust, it will take time for you to earn it back. Only after the trust is restored can you reasonably expect her to fall back in love with you. You might just need to keep your expectations low for a while and focus on creating a climate where she can eventually fall back in love with you. Pushing her to feel or act a certain way now is certain to elicit the resigned, "so tired" responses. It sounds like she is just worn out.

PP here. I just want to add that I think it is entirely possible to fall in and out of love--and back in again--with a spouse. Marital love is like anything else in life: it needs to be nurtured to survive. The fact that you are in therapy together suggests that she is still committed to your marriage. That is good, so focus on seeing the half-full glass. Realize that marriage is not a commitment to stay in love for always; it is a commitment to always giving oneself the time and opportunity to fall back in love when it feels impossible. Try telling her that you recognize that her feelings for you have changed and that that is okay, then ask that she give herself a year to work on seeing you in a new way while remaining open to the possibility of someday getting those feelings back. Then stop pressuring her to love you and start doing whatever it is she wants you to do to make her feel loved.

20:11 here and I think this is dead on. I hope my actual DH reads this.

So typical of the DWs on here, "oh I hope my DH reads this, boo hoo hoo." Why don't you just show it to him? Or print it out and put it on his pillow? Leaving messages on an anonymous board seems rather hopeless and futile. Hell that goes for you too OP - just go talk to her! Here you 7+ months later still lamenting the same stuff.

[Anonymous]

That's quite a thread.