DW not in love anymore

[Anonymous]

If you want to restore your marriage, I sincerely recommend the books by John Gottman. He is a leader in evidence-based marriage counseling. I finally gave up on my marriage. I got done fighting with DH and was ready to walk away as soon as the kids were out. I settled down to wait out the child raising period. By coincidence, a friend recommended him. I showed him to DH casually and DH read some of the books. He then went "Oh, shit" and started doing some things differently. It made a huge difference in our marriage. Huge. He says that he didn't understand the problem before and Gottman helped him understand it.

Books: http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&page=1&rh=n%3A283155%2Cp_27%3AJohn%20M.%20Gottman


Video on the basis of his work:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLXX8wzvT7c

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gFldZtVIqQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJ7RHLBdqGM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aSpl_ZjmcY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dawned on me today. She has good cause (although not the typical cause) but never really struck me until now. We're in therapy ostensibly to get through a couple large issues, but I think she's decided that they are close to insurmountable. Even if we get over them, I don't see a path for her to love me like she did several years back. Her couple comments about that time and before in counseling have not been inspiring or particularly misty-eyed on her part, even though we were inseparable.

Her negative body language and thinly veiled attitude of "*sigh*I have better things to do" on the few occasions we have time alone together are telling. OTOH when she comes home from seeing friends or drinks with colleagues she, her happiness is clearly evident. But the rest of the week she's oh so tired.

We may stumble through therapy so we can be comfortable that we have explored that avenue, but the best I can see coming out the other side is more well adjusted roommates and co parents to our DDs than we are now. And then divorce in a couple years on her motion rather than near the end of this year. God I hope I'm wrong.

She has a lover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dawned on me today. She has good cause (although not the typical cause) but never really struck me until now. We're in therapy ostensibly to get through a couple large issues, but I think she's decided that they are close to insurmountable. Even if we get over them, I don't see a path for her to love me like she did several years back. Her couple comments about that time and before in counseling have not been inspiring or particularly misty-eyed on her part, even though we were inseparable.

Her negative body language and thinly veiled attitude of "*sigh*I have better things to do" on the few occasions we have time alone together are telling. OTOH when she comes home from seeing friends or drinks with colleagues she, her happiness is clearly evident. But the rest of the week she's oh so tired.

We may stumble through therapy so we can be comfortable that we have explored that avenue, but the best I can see coming out the other side is more well adjusted roommates and co parents to our DDs than we are now. And then divorce in a couple years on her motion rather than near the end of this year. God I hope I'm wrong.

She has a lover.

I agree, sounds like she gets her emotional and physical connection now through someone else. It's not necessarily the end, but will be difficult to win her back.

[Anonymous]

Did OP ever let on what he did that was wrong? I hate cagey OPs

[Anonymous]

I fell out of love when I found out my husband cheated on me while we were engaged (2 years into our marriage). Couple that with new baby, long work hours... I just wasn't sure what to do. One day I decided that I wanted it to work, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be in love again. It took a lot to get there. But it was worth it. The person that fell out of love has to want to be in love again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dawned on me today. She has good cause (although not the typical cause) but never really struck me until now. We're in therapy ostensibly to get through a couple large issues, but I think she's decided that they are close to insurmountable. Even if we get over them, I don't see a path for her to love me like she did several years back. Her couple comments about that time and before in counseling have not been inspiring or particularly misty-eyed on her part, even though we were inseparable.

Her negative body language and thinly veiled attitude of "*sigh*I have better things to do" on the few occasions we have time alone together are telling. OTOH when she comes home from seeing friends or drinks with colleagues she, her happiness is clearly evident. But the rest of the week she's oh so tired.

We may stumble through therapy so we can be comfortable that we have explored that avenue, but the best I can see coming out the other side is more well adjusted roommates and co parents to our DDs than we are now. And then divorce in a couple years on her motion rather than near the end of this year. God I hope I'm wrong.

She has a lover.

I agree, sounds like she gets her emotional and physical connection now through someone else. It's not necessarily the end, but will be difficult to win her back.

Or maybe she doesn't. I feel this way towards my DH and I've never had a lover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dawned on me today. She has good cause (although not the typical cause) but never really struck me until now. We're in therapy ostensibly to get through a couple large issues, but I think she's decided that they are close to insurmountable. Even if we get over them, I don't see a path for her to love me like she did several years back. Her couple comments about that time and before in counseling have not been inspiring or particularly misty-eyed on her part, even though we were inseparable.

Her negative body language and thinly veiled attitude of "*sigh*I have better things to do" on the few occasions we have time alone together are telling. OTOH when she comes home from seeing friends or drinks with colleagues she, her happiness is clearly evident. But the rest of the week she's oh so tired.

We may stumble through therapy so we can be comfortable that we have explored that avenue, but the best I can see coming out the other side is more well adjusted roommates and co parents to our DDs than we are now. And then divorce in a couple years on her motion rather than near the end of this year. God I hope I'm wrong.

She has a lover.

I agree, sounds like she gets her emotional and physical connection now through someone else. It's not necessarily the end, but will be difficult to win her back.

Or maybe she doesn't. I feel this way towards my DH and I've never had a lover.

Have you told your DH?

[Anonymous]

Feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going through the same thing. It is actually surreal to say the least. We had such great times and she was so in love. After three kids and life over the last ten years she has so much bottled up resentment and can only focus on the negative. So sad.

I wish I knew what it is about the 10 year mark. Mine had an affair and now we are divorced. Maybe women reach a point where they want out ? No matter how good the marriage is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Surreal is a good word. Just at a complete loss of what to do almost, and it's not like those things I know she wants are really going to fix anything. I'd be thrilled if they did, but I think if we get there she will look up and be in the same place.

She might not even have admitted this to herself.

Why not try doing those things she wants? I know you don't think they will help, and maybe they won't, but if you want your fix your marriage as much as you say you do, isn't it worth a try? It kind of feels like you're telling yourself this as an excuse so you don't have to actually do anything differently.

OP here. I will and more. It just hit me with a ton of bricks that even if I do everything she needs/wants to be in a position to get past things, there may not be any love waiting at the end.

I'm the original surreal poster. She gave me a big wake up call with an emotional affair with a work colleague. I forgave her and started helping out more. Coincidentally my income skyrocketed (reaping what I sowed during the early years). She is still saying she is not in love with me. It's frustrating because I am willing to make any amends. It's sad that I would need to divorce and start over showering the new woman with the benefit of what I learned in the first current marriage. I've told her this. She doesn't care. So so sad. Get over it!! I am sorry. I didn't think I was that bad!

Both of you have made mistakes. Only you recognize that. Unless she can see that you are toast. All the advice that you should prostrate yourself before your superior female partner is laughable. What about forgiveness acknowledging that it takes two to tango.

[Anonymous]

OP: i'm in the same situation. I'm the wife. Married a long time. Young kids. No sex or any intimacy (not even hugging) for >5 years. It's terrible. I don't love him anymore in the way that I used to and I have no idea how to go back. I wish that I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: i'm in the same situation. I'm the wife. Married a long time. Young kids. No sex or any intimacy (not even hugging) for >5 years. It's terrible. I don't love him anymore in the way that I used to and I have no idea how to go back. I wish that I could.

What does your DH think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dawned on me today. She has good cause (although not the typical cause) but never really struck me until now. We're in therapy ostensibly to get through a couple large issues, but I think she's decided that they are close to insurmountable. Even if we get over them, I don't see a path for her to love me like she did several years back. Her couple comments about that time and before in counseling have not been inspiring or particularly misty-eyed on her part, even though we were inseparable.

Her negative body language and thinly veiled attitude of "*sigh*I have better things to do" on the few occasions we have time alone together are telling. OTOH when she comes home from seeing friends or drinks with colleagues she, her happiness is clearly evident. But the rest of the week she's oh so tired.

We may stumble through therapy so we can be comfortable that we have explored that avenue, but the best I can see coming out the other side is more well adjusted roommates and co parents to our DDs than we are now. And then divorce in a couple years on her motion rather than near the end of this year. God I hope I'm wrong.

She has a lover.

I agree, sounds like she gets her emotional and physical connection now through someone else. It's not necessarily the end, but will be difficult to win her back.

Or maybe she doesn't. I feel this way towards my DH and I've never had a lover.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she's staying for th kids OP. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: i'm in the same situation. I'm the wife. Married a long time. Young kids. No sex or any intimacy (not even hugging) for >5 years. It's terrible. I don't love him anymore in the way that I used to and I have no idea how to go back. I wish that I could.

You can't hug your DH or he won't hug you or when you try he rejects you, what? Seems odd that for being married for so long you can't scare up a even a hug.