Reply to Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

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Reply to "Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Another thing to consider from your sister's perspective is that your wedding was planned around all of your niece's events. Your sister specifically ensured that her daughter wouldn't have to miss anything, and then completely forgot about her son. How does she explain that to your nephew in a way that doesn't make painfully obvious the fundamental unfairness there? Your sister is in a tough place, because your wedding is important, but so is her own family, and she needs to make judgment calls there that reflect all of their values, including basic fairness.[/quote]

OP here, yes the above very much occurred to me.  I think, for a variety of reasons (not saying they are good reasons), everyone is used to thinking of and accommodating the older niece's sports conflicts.

The tournament is the first sports happening of the season.  It's a spring sport for them.  I don't think it'd have such a big impact on his high school playing career, as some have presumed, but who knows.  My sister did not say it that way or imply that, just that it was important.  If it did, gosh, what a shame.  I can't imagine a high school coach not understanding a family wedding obligation.  But maybe I'm naive.  I played sports all of my life (and for my college) but that was long ago and things have certainly changed.  A ton.

Thanks for all the thoughts so far (and the nice comments, no matter your opinion).  It helps me to see that she's not the only one with this perspective, even though I'm having a hard time relating (like several of the other posters).

I don't want this to be a wedge, as I'm sure I've made and will make choices that disappoint her, but I sure am surprised and disappointed nonetheless.  Ultimately it's their choice and I'll just make peace with it.  At 40, I've learned that you can't make these things in a family so defining or black and white.

Like others have said, it's kind of a no win at this point.  If she changes her mind, I'll feel horrible about that.  Best would have been to avoid this altogether, which we tried, but things happen, including brain farts.  I hope in expressing my feelings that I don't motivate a change in the choice, because not sure I want that guilt.  Jewish family here.  We don't do well with guilt.  :)
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Would people have a different opinion if this was a girl and not a boy?  Or a 10y versus a 14yo?  Just curious.[/b]

Or if the kid's event was not a sport? What if it were the daughter and the wedding was the same day as her one and only solo or leading role in a ballet for which she had been rehearsing for six months? My daughter dances extensively. We get schedules pretty far in advance, fortunately, but if she were cast in a solo featured role or duet etc. in a show -- with six months of rehearsals and other dancers' parts depending on her doing her part -- it would be a grave issue to miss the actual performance. A dancer could of course turn down a role, all roles, knowing that a wedding was on a specific date, but as with sports, that could result in being overlooked in the future.

My child has not had to miss anything as vital as a wedding for dance, though there have been some serious conflicts.

And what if it's a non-sports competition? A team science competition for instance, or a team "quiz bowl" kind of competition where kids have worked all school year long for a regional or state final and other team members are depending on that teen being there, bringing the expertise he or she has developed over many months or an entire school year? Friends of my daughter's do these kinds of competitions and put in tons of hours each week, of their own time, on top of their homework time and other obligations. All for a one-time event, the date of which is outside their control.

I'm not saying "There are so many reasons to skip a wedding!" I'm just noting that in sports and in other pursuits there are kids the nephew's age who are putting far more effort into some of these activities than some adults realize -- many months of work that culminate in ONE performance, or one science competition on a given day and no other, or one civics competition that won't be repeated. Not even a sport where there are multiple games leading up to a tournament -- just a huge amount of preparation for a single event.

I don't know what we'd do if there were a conflict like a wedding or funeral but we would have to weigh that one-time event against the family event, for sure. A lot would depend on the people involved. I tend to go with those folks posting above that to a 14-year-old nephew, an aunt's wedding may not be that big a deal. While I'm sorry that it's a bigger deal for the aunt, I also hope and expect she'll be enjoying herself so much on the day itself that she won't be as disappointed by then.
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