Reply to Regret Marrying Someone with Kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?[/quote]

It could be.  I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc[/quote]

Previously Posting Stepmom here. I am not being snide, but want to ask, prior to marriage,  what did you and your DH discuss in regards to how the kids would be a part of the new family that you and DH were creating? Did you discuss parenting and how you would foster the relationship between the kids you planned on having and the kids he already have? What did you discuss about parenting in general? What did you discuss regarding your individual and mutual expectations of the family you were creating? Was this not something that you discussed? Why is there a change in relationship with others in the family.[/quote]

He basically told me the situation with his kids - how he was young, irresponsible, shouldn't have been in the relationship, has issues with the mom, wants to do support the kids and be there for him to the extent possible but wasn't able to be around for much of their lives and doesn't have the best bond.  He has accepted the situation the way it is and wants to avoid constant fights or their mom saying bad things about him.

10 years later when we met, he was more mature, obtained an education and a good job, and wanted to get married, have children and be an equal partner in raising them.  He has always been very involved with the younger kids. I don't think he anticipated the older kids moving back.  And I don't think he expected it to be the way it has been.  He is very frustrated.  Relationship with the family has changed because now that the kids are here, they expect him to do more and be more involved and even try to get more time with them but in the mean time he has made a commitment to a new wife, has two other children that need him and is spread very thin trying to please everyone - making sure we still see my family, making sure he makes it to older kids events, time with younger kids, etc.  He is miserable because no matter what he does, someone is unhappy and exhausted/stressed because all of this requires more time, planning, energy, money and what has ended up getting cut is any time to himself or personal plans, purchases etc.  [b]He is not resentful[/b] about it but obviously you can do/have it all and something has got to give.  [/quote]

I think *you* are very, very resentful of the situation.

[/quote]

I said that that I was regretful but love my husband and don't want a life of divorce for my kids.[/quote]

Of course you don't. Because who knows how his next wife might treat them?

:? [/quote]

I have never come across any children from broken homes that didn't have some sort of issue.  There is a world of difference between life for kids in an intact home and those of children of divorce - whether they have to switch house every other weekend, split the week, parents remarry and either have more kids or take on other kids, mom usually ends up with less money and a lower level lifestyle, hardly get to see dad or even having to split holidays - all of these things have an impact.[/quote]

You certainly can believe that, but it's not reality. In DC I know a lot of women (myself included) that make more money and the situation is better for all involved after the divorce. In college I knew plenty of successful kids whose parents were divorced.[/quote]

I am the poster who said she was resentful. I agree with her assessment on kids from "broken homes".  Money may not be an issue but all the other things she mentioned have a serious impact. You don't understand that because you don't see it from the outside.  So I'm that regard resentful or not, I applaud her for recognizing how impactful divorce is and working through issues instead of leaving.[/quote]

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