Family wants me to help them with baby #2, after tension. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Well, but what is the language? OP has yet to explain exactly what she is hearing from them.

You are really bizarre, if you think some stranger on the internet has a better clue on personal family wordage, than the OP herself.

"Personal family wordage" and "using language" doesn't mean making a request outright. What was exactly said, OP? Clarify for us all.

"us all" don't need clarification. We get it. You don't. OP doesn't have to explain it to you since she's been given plenty of good advice and it's highly unlikely someone like you could add value.

+1

PP, you sound like a control freak of the highest degree, if you think someone on the internet owes you a response about their personal family nuances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would wait until they specifically ask, and then tell them you can't do it this time.

Approaching it without them actually having asked gives them the chance to get snarky "Oh we hadn't planned on you looking after our child again, where would you get that idea?" Etc.

Don't respond unless they ask. If they do more than hint IE: Making direct references in clear language, then tell them. Don't go on vague language though.

Exactly. Say nothing unless they ask. My guess is they won't.
But I still would plan a trip to get away just in case you get cornered!

I strongly disagree with this. I don't think you have to necessarily come right out and say "Not going to do it htis time, just in case you're wondering", but I DO think that the next time they start hinting around it, you should say something like "Oh, can't wait to meet your new baby! So what are you doing for childcare this time?" I think that if OP seriously thinks they are hinting around at her doing it, she becomes a bit complicit in the charade if she waits and waits and doesn't just bring it up herself. '

Bottom line is still th e same: OP owes them nothing and in no way needs to do this and really shouldn't. But the tension around the new attention they're paying her and hehr impression they expect it... might as well nip it all in the bud and just ask them "So, how will you handle chidcare this time?" and if they say "Well we were hoping you could help" or "We assume you will help" then there it is, just say clearly "That's an awfully big assumption, why would you assume that without talking to me? And actually this time that's not going to be possible. I'm glad I was able to commit that immense amount of time to helping you guys with Larla/Larlo the first time, but that was a major major commitment and I can't do it this time. Glad we talked about it, would hate for you to have continued to make that huge assumption without talking to me for much longer. So, [and change the subject]"

If it's true that OP's siblings are assuming this, that is a crazy, gigantic issue to make that assumption about without a conversation. If OP asks "So, what will you do this time?" and they have a plan hat doesn't involve her, cool, OP hasn' assumed anything and no one is offended. If they are assuming help from OP, the sooner that ridiculously presumptive bubble is burst, the better.

And OP, don't half-ass it. Dont say "Well, maybe 2 days/week" or anything else that is a major commitment, unless you really want to do that and dont care that they will take you for granted. To me, that would be a major mistake. You can come in later as "awesome aunt" and back up once htey get into their childcare groove, but you need to be an adult and be clear that you are not available in the same way you were last time, as that was a basically full time commitment and you need to focus on building other aspects of your own life. It would be handy if you had some specific things you were working on (back to school, another job, building some other part of your own business) but you really don't owe them any explanation. It's your right to just say no, and you should say it clearly.

[Anonymous]

14:16 Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm another person who thinks we must share the same relatives. At the least, the same kind of relatives.

Even though I think other posters like 14:16 spell out smart and helpful responses, my advice (given how things played out with my family who's done the same thing) is to not engage at all. Don't make any preemptive attempts to set matters straight. Avoid engaging on this issue at all. Nicely make it clear you're busy and not available to babysit. If they're like my family, they're going to try to draw you in with guilt trips (that's where they begin) to using your love of the children to coerce you to bullying you - don't, don't, don't engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell them you can't do it.

+1 Just say "no."

[Anonymous]

I am baffled by questions about the OPs finances, or asking for details about specific wording from family.

When someone generously helps you out in a very big and very significant way, for an extended period of time, and they tell you they feel unappreciated, you OWE it to them to listen to them, hear them out, and help make it right. That is an extremely small thing you can do for someone, who had just done a tremendous amount for you.

OPs finances and specific family wording are completely and totally irrelevant. They matter not one iota.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm another person who thinks we must share the same relatives. At the least, the same kind of relatives.

Even though I think other posters like 14:16 spell out smart and helpful responses, my advice (given how things played out with my family who's done the same thing) is to not engage at all. Don't make any preemptive attempts to set matters straight. Avoid engaging on this issue at all. Nicely make it clear you're busy and not available to babysit. If they're like my family, they're going to try to draw you in with guilt trips (that's where they begin) to using your love of the children to coerce you to bullying you - don't, don't, don't engage.

+1

My sister did this, guilt tripping like I must not care about my niece because I didn't want to provide free on-call childcare all the time anymore. OP, your sibling will probably bring out the "larla/larlo needs his/her auntie! how could you not want to spend time with him/her?" guilt trips. Don't fall for it. Normal, non-manipulative people don't say stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm another person who thinks we must share the same relatives. At the least, the same kind of relatives.

Even though I think other posters like 14:16 spell out smart and helpful responses, my advice (given how things played out with my family who's done the same thing) is to not engage at all. Don't make any preemptive attempts to set matters straight. Avoid engaging on this issue at all. Nicely make it clear you're busy and not available to babysit. If they're like my family, they're going to try to draw you in with guilt trips (that's where they begin) to using your love of the children to coerce you to bullying you - don't, don't, don't engage.

+1

My sister did this, guilt tripping like I must not care about my niece because I didn't want to provide free on-call childcare all the time anymore. OP, your sibling will probably bring out the "larla/larlo needs his/her auntie! how could you not want to spend time with him/her?" guilt trips. Don't fall for it. Normal, non-manipulative people don't say stuff like that.

I'm 14:16, totally agree with this. But seriously OP, if they do, you have no idea how powerful it is to keep your answer simple and firm. "I absolutely love my neices/nephews! Can you name one other aunt who babysat for free 4, sometimes 5 days/week for __________ (months/years) for their neice/nephew? Right, neither can I. I definitely love them, can't wait to meet my new one! But surely you can't expect me to basically do a full time job again? Are you really saying that is what it takes to prove love?" After that, it should all just be firm "No, I'm sorry, it is not fair for you to ask me to work for you again. You need to get your own childcare and you never should have assumed without talking to me that I would or could do it." It's that simple. Just keep saying it's an unfair and unreasonable request and you can't fulfill it. And if you have something else going on (school, work expansion, travel) then site that.

I also like someone else's idea that a month or so after the due date you should schedule a trip for 2 weeks or something. Do a road trip, and tell your sibling that you aren't sure how long you'll be away, and you plan to travel more than that in the next year so that's anothr reason it's unreasonable for them to expect you to drop everything and commit to them

Remember, no part time!!! It'll just be a vortex into which they will try to guilt you into more. And even part time is too much for an ungrateful relative to ask.

[Anonymous]

And if other family get in on the guilt tripping, or other friends, just say "Ok, since you think it's a reasonable request, do it yourself. Give up your life for 4 days a week, and do it for free. Or are you expecting me to do something you wouldn't actually do? I'm not available. It's that simple."

[Anonymous]

No one can take advantage of you without your permission. If they reach a point when they call you for assistance, just say "I'm sorry, I'm not available" or "I'm not able to commit to that right now."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am baffled by questions about the OPs finances, or asking for details about specific wording from family.

When someone generously helps you out in a very big and very significant way, for an extended period of time, and they tell you they feel unappreciated, you OWE it to them to listen to them, hear them out, and help make it right. That is an extremely small thing you can do for someone, who had just done a tremendous amount for you.

OPs finances and specific family wording are completely and totally irrelevant. They matter not one iota.

The request for specific wording is to try to understand what makes OP think they expect her to be the nanny again and to try up understand how strongly that expectation is coming out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am baffled by questions about the OPs finances, or asking for details about specific wording from family.

When someone generously helps you out in a very big and very significant way, for an extended period of time, and they tell you they feel unappreciated, you OWE it to them to listen to them, hear them out, and help make it right. That is an extremely small thing you can do for someone, who had just done a tremendous amount for you.

OPs finances and specific family wording are completely and totally irrelevant. They matter not one iota.

The request for specific wording is to try to understand what makes OP think they expect her to be the nanny again and to try up understand how strongly that expectation is coming out.

Different poster, well, at this point you either know enough to give advice, or you don't. But the way you asked for it seemed really really rude, and most of us felt like there was enough basic detail to give basic advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm another person who thinks we must share the same relatives. At the least, the same kind of relatives.

Even though I think other posters like 14:16 spell out smart and helpful responses, my advice (given how things played out with my family who's done the same thing) is to not engage at all. Don't make any preemptive attempts to set matters straight. Avoid engaging on this issue at all. Nicely make it clear you're busy and not available to babysit. If they're like my family, they're going to try to draw you in with guilt trips (that's where they begin) to using your love of the children to coerce you to bullying you - don't, don't, don't engage.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple years ago, my sibling and their spouse had their first child. I helped out extensively for a super long time. I was basically an unpaid nanny to them for 4 months or so, and sparingly after that. After a while I made my feeling known to them that i began to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated. Their response to that was basically "we disagree. no further discussion needed."

this caused a rift between us. Now they are expecting baby #2 and are turning on the sudden niceness and are using language that they expect me to be hands on deck. For my part, this will not be the case but I don't know how to respond that both is supportive/excited about child #2, but make it explicitly clear that I will not be there to help, at all. Their response when I told them I felt unappreciated still stings, and their sudden niceness now makes me wary. How would you respond in a supportive yet clear "no" kind of way?

I would just bring it up in conversation. Ie. "That's so awesome! What are your childcare plans for after the baby is born? Is your current care provider going to take Baby?"

"You thought I would do it? Oh, that's so sweet. I love my nieces/nephews so much! I'm so sorry that I can't. I have other commitments."

"You don't know what you're going to do? Did you try CareLuLu? They help people sort all of that out. I hear they're great. They were started by a mom!"

Rinse, lather, repeat

[Anonymous]

why is it on OP to bring up the situation? If the parents can't be frank enough to bring it up, they cannot honestly expect to get a yes if they do finally get around to it.

Personally I think OP's mentioning it looks like fishing for info. A bit embarrassing to say, "Oh and I'm not doing child care in case you were wondering" only to have them reply "We weren't planning on asking you, since you were wondering."