Reply to Family wants me to help them with baby #2, after tension. WWYD?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would wait until they specifically ask, and then tell them you can't do it this time.

Approaching it without them actually having asked gives them the chance to get snarky "Oh we hadn't planned on you looking after our child again, where would you get that idea?"  Etc.

Don't respond unless they ask.  If they do more than hint IE: Making direct references in clear language, then tell them.  Don't go on vague language though.[/quote]

Exactly.  Say nothing unless they ask. My guess is they won't.  
But I still would plan a trip to get away just in case you get cornered![/quote]

I strongly disagree with this.  I don't think you have to necessarily come right out and say "Not going to do it htis time, just in case you're wondering", but I DO think that the next time they start hinting around it, you should say something like "Oh, can't wait to meet your new baby!  So what are you doing for childcare this time?"  I think that if OP seriously thinks they are hinting around at her doing it, she becomes a bit complicit in the charade if she waits and waits and doesn't just bring it up herself.  '

Bottom line is still th e same: OP owes them nothing and in no way needs to do this and really shouldn't.  But the tension around the new attention they're paying her and hehr impression they expect it... might as well nip it all in the bud and just ask them "So, how will you handle chidcare this time?" and if they say "Well we were hoping you could help" or "We assume you will help" then there it is, just say clearly "That's an awfully big assumption, why would you assume that without talking to me?  And actually this time that's not going to be possible.  I'm glad I was able to commit that immense amount of time to helping you guys with Larla/Larlo the first time, but that was a major major commitment and I can't do it this time.  Glad we talked about it, would hate for you to have continued to make that huge assumption without talking to me for much longer.  So, [and change the subject]"

If it's true that OP's siblings are assuming this, that is a crazy, gigantic issue to make that assumption about without a conversation.  If OP asks "So, what will you do this time?" and they have a plan hat doesn't involve her, cool, OP hasn' assumed anything and no one is offended.  If they are assuming help from OP, the sooner that ridiculously presumptive bubble is burst, the better.

And OP, don't half-ass it.  Dont say "Well, maybe 2 days/week" or anything else that is a major commitment, unless you really want to do that and dont care that they will take you for granted.  To me, that would be a major mistake.  You can come in later as "awesome aunt" and back up once htey get into their childcare groove, but you need to be an adult and be clear that you are not available in the same way you were last time, as that was a basically full time commitment and you need to focus on building other aspects of your own life.  It would be handy if you had some specific things you were working on (back to school, another job, building some other part of your own business) but you really don't owe them any explanation.  It's your right to just say no, and you should say it clearly.[/quote]

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