Family wants me to help them with baby #2, after tension. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I can't wait to meet the new baby!"
"Great! About that, we'll need help with older kid once the baby comes...."
"My sitting days are over, but I have a little time to help research nannies if you like."

+1 Make them spell out what they want, so it's easier to address (decline!) directly.

[Anonymous]

OP, how were you able to be their nanny for four months plus? Were you unemployed? Did you live with them or elsewhere? What is it about your situation that makes them think you would have lots of time available when baby #2 comes? And why were you the nanny? What were your SIL and brother doing during that time? No parental leave for them?

Ask your brother casually, without his wife present, what their childcare plan is. Unless they come out and ask you directly, it would be weird for you to say you can't help them.

Do you see them a lot now? Are you close with their Child #1?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why were you taking care of DC1 if you didn't want to? Did you tell them they seemed to be getting back on their feet and needing you less, or back away slowly somehow? Or did you just say, "I'm feeling used and I quit"? It doesn't seem like you gave them much of an option to choose when you stopped taking care of DC1 -- did you want them to say, "You're right, we were using you and taking advantage of you"?? They probably sincerely don't think they were. And if nothing sort of hearing them say that would have made you feel better, then how could the situation have been resolved amicably?

OP here. No, I did not say anything like that. I think your armchair analysis is kind of off base. Most of the time when people feel they have been taken advantage of, it also has to do with how that articulation was received - and how it was responded to. For me, it was basically a "sorry you feel that way. so will we see you sunday?" kind of response. They dismissed my sentiments, ignoring them completely. They did not want to discuss it, or ask how it can be resolved. That doesn't help break down the feeling of being taken advantage of or unappreciated. It actually reinforces it.

Others: thank you for the helpful responses, and I will try them. I love being an aunt, and I love helping people, but in my gut of guts i do not feel i'm worth it unless it comes to help they need. My instincts are to stand firm, and i'll incorporate some of your suggestions.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem to be reading too much into their intention that they expect you to help. Did they explicitly ask you or not to help this time around? If they did ask, then explicitly say no. They will understand since you backed away the first time. I highly doubt any reasonable person would have the same expectation the second time around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why were you taking care of DC1 if you didn't want to? Did you tell them they seemed to be getting back on their feet and needing you less, or back away slowly somehow? Or did you just say, "I'm feeling used and I quit"? It doesn't seem like you gave them much of an option to choose when you stopped taking care of DC1 -- did you want them to say, "You're right, we were using you and taking advantage of you"?? They probably sincerely don't think they were. And if nothing sort of hearing them say that would have made you feel better, then how could the situation have been resolved amicably?

We got a lot of help from family when our first was born and if one of my family members had come to me saying they felt taken advantage of, there's a lot we could have done to address the issue. I don't think OP should have had to spell out - I'll need to head home 2 weeks earlier than planned, I can't do bottle washing anymore, I would feel better if you bought me lunch every now and then, etc. Her sibling should have offered up a menu of options - including a full out.

In fact, my MIL had committed to a certain amount of time of grandma care - she offered it, we didn't ask - and when she arrived, it became clear she wouldn't be able to do the full amount of time she initially thought she could. I told her I understood, she was needed back home, and we paid to change her flight, and sent her off with a thankful farewell. I sincerely appreciate the time she could offer and even though it left us in a bit of a scramble to find childcare earlier than expected, that was our problem not hers and I think OP's family really should have taken a different approach.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would express how excited you are to meet your new niece or nephew and when you're done gushing over the due date, how our sister's feeling, etc move onto something in your life - how busy work is, whoever it is you're seeing, a holiday trip you have planned, etc. Joyfully share your life plans that don't happen to include spending months as their nanny.

If they want to directly ask you, they will and you can directly decline, but otherwise I think it's a bit awkward to say "no" when they haven't even asked. I would try to let it be water under the bridge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple years ago, my sibling and their spouse had their first child. I helped out extensively for a super long time. I was basically an unpaid nanny to them for 4 months or so, and sparingly after that. After a while I made my feeling known to them that i began to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated. Their response to that was basically "we disagree. no further discussion needed."

this caused a rift between us. Now they are expecting baby #2 and are turning on the sudden niceness and are using language that they expect me to be hands on deck. For my part, this will not be the case but I don't know how to respond that both is supportive/excited about child #2, but make it explicitly clear that I will not be there to help, at all. Their response when I told them I felt unappreciated still stings, and their sudden niceness now makes me wary. How would you respond in a supportive yet clear "no" kind of way?

OP, without knowing the exact way they're referencing it, I would suggest that you plan out in advance (and maybe even practice so you can get the tone right) a few things you could say. PP's had a lot of good suggestions. Things like:

- I'm sorry but I won't be able to babysit for you the way I did last time. Maybe I can help you research daycare options or nanny shares or...
- I cannot do that again - it wasn't good for our relationship. But I do want to help out so was thinking that I could (then figure out some things you could offer - one overnight a week for the first month, or a weekend or full day of care a couple of times, or grocery shopping, etc...)
- When Larla was born I was so happy to help, but I let it go on too long and it created tension between us that I don't want again.

Etc...

It sounds like you'll have to steel yourself a bit for the conversation but hopefully you'll only have to say it once. If you have some things you do feel comfortable offering that might help make it a little easier.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would also caution you against using arguments against doing this that involve things they can argue with.

Ex: "I cannot do that again, it wasn't good for our relationship." Potential response: "That's not true. I don't feel our relationship was damaged." Now you're back where you were when you originally confronted them and setting yourself up for more hurt.

Ex. "It created tension between us." Potential response: "There was no tension, at least not on our part. If there was tension, you created it." Back where you started.

I'm not saying that sharing your feelings is a bad thing, but with manipulators, they'll just find a way to argue that they don't matter. So don't give them any reason beyond that it doesn't work for you anymore, it just won't be possible this time around. Any reason you give should be unarguable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also caution you against using arguments against doing this that involve things they can argue with.

Ex: "I cannot do that again, it wasn't good for our relationship." Potential response: "That's not true. I don't feel our relationship was damaged." Now you're back where you were when you originally confronted them and setting yourself up for more hurt.

Ex. "It created tension between us." Potential response: "There was no tension, at least not on our part. If there was tension, you created it." Back where you started.

I'm not saying that sharing your feelings is a bad thing, but with manipulators, they'll just find a way to argue that they don't matter. So don't give them any reason beyond that it doesn't work for you anymore, it just won't be possible this time around. Any reason you give should be unarguable.

10,000x this.

It's important to be short and succinct with manipulators. Walk away if you must, but don't engage beyond simple, polite, succinct answers. They will always word salad their way to draw you in, and somehow, turn things around to make it seem like you should feel guilty, you did something wrong, and even that you might have wronged them out of say, ending childcare that you graciously helped with (for free!), but somehow caused *them* all sorts of problems. Trust your gut instinct. Engage minimally.

[Anonymous]

So unless I am missing something: In the past, you gave them 4 months of free labor. That is not only generous; it's not possible for most adults. Unless they were providing you with housing and food, or some other form of payment, it was quite generous of you to step in like that.

What makes them think you could do this a second time? You must--or ought--to have responsibilities like: a job, paying your bills, etc. So there's your explanation: It's not feasible for me to provide 4 months of child care for you this time around. I have to do X, Y, and Z.

If you don't have any competing priorities in your life, then your new goal is to get some.

[Anonymous]

Also, it is their responsibility to locate and pay for child care for their child. Help from relatives is really supposed to disappear after the first days/weeks/month.

[Anonymous]

I would wait until they specifically ask, and then tell them you can't do it this time.

Approaching it without them actually having asked gives them the chance to get snarky "Oh we hadn't planned on you looking after our child again, where would you get that idea?" Etc.

Don't respond unless they ask. If they do more than hint IE: Making direct references in clear language, then tell them. Don't go on vague language though.

[Anonymous]

Or you could simply ask how the nanny/child care search is going.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They were not compensating me in any way - food, housing, payment, etc. I am comfortable enough financially and in my work niche that I could afford to help them out, though stretched a bit thin during those times. But I could afford to re-arrange when someone you care about seems to need assistance. I don't think my personal financials are really relevant though. It just became clear to me that after a while, the urgency/necessity of them needing help was not communicated truthfully or honestly. i did approach the subject gently and it was basically dismissed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They were not compensating me in any way - food, housing, payment, etc. I am comfortable enough financially and in my work niche that I could afford to help them out, though stretched a bit thin during those times. But I could afford to re-arrange when someone you care about seems to need assistance. I don't think my personal financials are really relevant though. It just became clear to me that after a while, the urgency/necessity of them needing help was not communicated truthfully or honestly. i did approach the subject gently and it was basically dismissed.

I still don't understand. How could you work a job full time, but also be a nanny?

Were you taking vacation and sick leave? Were you more of an emergency back up or babysitter than a nanny?