Family wants me to help them with baby #2, after tension. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They were not compensating me in any way - food, housing, payment, etc. I am comfortable enough financially and in my work niche that I could afford to help them out, though stretched a bit thin during those times. But I could afford to re-arrange when someone you care about seems to need assistance. I don't think my personal financials are really relevant though. It just became clear to me that after a while, the urgency/necessity of them needing help was not communicated truthfully or honestly. i did approach the subject gently and it was basically dismissed.

I still don't understand. How could you work a job full time, but also be a nanny?

Were you taking vacation and sick leave? Were you more of an emergency back up or babysitter than a nanny?

Not that it's relevant, but I work for myself and make my own hours. I was pretty much a full time nanny (4 days a week), and also emergency backup.

[Anonymous]

+1 on the PPs who say never give reasons. When you start giving reasons, it not only gives them an opportunity to tell you why those reasons aren't valid, but also makes it seem like you OWE them a reason! You don't!

I would just say: "I'm sorry, that arrangement isn't going to work this time." Then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They were not compensating me in any way - food, housing, payment, etc. I am comfortable enough financially and in my work niche that I could afford to help them out, though stretched a bit thin during those times. But I could afford to re-arrange when someone you care about seems to need assistance. I don't think my personal financials are really relevant though. It just became clear to me that after a while, the urgency/necessity of them needing help was not communicated truthfully or honestly. i did approach the subject gently and it was basically dismissed.

I would take that to mean they don't intend to have you help out. Just carry on.

[Anonymous]

Try lining up some commitment for yourself - a trip, show tickets, plan to meet a friend, a job or whatever makes you happy and unavailable. I feel your position having been through a similar situation several times with my family and the guilt of loving my family always pulls me in, but I really don't want the loss of my life. People like us just really need to learn to say no to our selfish family members and put ourselves first. They will find a way to do it when they have to but they won't when we are available. The only real advice is that if you do help out, don't complain about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why were you taking care of DC1 if you didn't want to? Did you tell them they seemed to be getting back on their feet and needing you less, or back away slowly somehow? Or did you just say, "I'm feeling used and I quit"? It doesn't seem like you gave them much of an option to choose when you stopped taking care of DC1 -- did you want them to say, "You're right, we were using you and taking advantage of you"?? They probably sincerely don't think they were. And if nothing sort of hearing them say that would have made you feel better, then how could the situation have been resolved amicably?

OP here. No, I did not say anything like that. I think your armchair analysis is kind of off base. Most of the time when people feel they have been taken advantage of, it also has to do with how that articulation was received - and how it was responded to. For me, it was basically a "sorry you feel that way. so will we see you sunday?" kind of response. They dismissed my sentiments, ignoring them completely. They did not want to discuss it, or ask how it can be resolved. That doesn't help break down the feeling of being taken advantage of or unappreciated. It actually reinforces it.

Others: thank you for the helpful responses, and I will try them. I love being an aunt, and I love helping people, but in my gut of guts i do not feel i'm worth it unless it comes to help they need. My instincts are to stand firm, and i'll incorporate some of your suggestions.

I'm the PP you quoted. My point was, how did they know you weren't still on board with the arrangement? Along the way, if you felt like the need was over, why didn't you just say, "This was nice! I'm going back to work now." or something along those lines, instead of continuing until the point where you felt used?

[Anonymous]

New poster here:
Op, we must have family with very similar traits because I just finally freed myself from this situation...
My sister had me babysitter/dog sitting for her constantly after my nephews birth... I finally quit answering more the 1 phone call a day and screening her calls... I also moved 30 minutes away ( we lived 2 miles from each other).

All I can say is stick to your guns and say no... But also make a huge list of prior commitments that you can use as an 'excuse' when 'no' doesn't cut it... Maybe that's shitty of me, but I did and she finally got the picture

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple years ago, my sibling and their spouse had their first child. I helped out extensively for a super long time. I was basically an unpaid nanny to them for 4 months or so, and sparingly after that. After a while I made my feeling known to them that i began to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated. Their response to that was basically "we disagree. no further discussion needed."

this caused a rift between us. Now they are expecting baby #2 and are turning on the sudden niceness and are using language that they expect me to be hands on deck. For my part, this will not be the case but I don't know how to respond that both is supportive/excited about child #2, but make it explicitly clear that I will not be there to help, at all. Their response when I told them I felt unappreciated still stings, and their sudden niceness now makes me wary. How would you respond in a supportive yet clear "no" kind of way?

How do you equate them suddenly being nice to wanting you to be a babysitter to their second child? BIG assumption here. I think if there was tension before, you would NOT be the first person they would go to for babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple years ago, my sibling and their spouse had their first child. I helped out extensively for a super long time. I was basically an unpaid nanny to them for 4 months or so, and sparingly after that. After a while I made my feeling known to them that i began to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated. Their response to that was basically "we disagree. no further discussion needed."

this caused a rift between us. Now they are expecting baby #2 and are turning on the sudden niceness and are using language that they expect me to be hands on deck. For my part, this will not be the case but I don't know how to respond that both is supportive/excited about child #2, but make it explicitly clear that I will not be there to help, at all. Their response when I told them I felt unappreciated still stings, and their sudden niceness now makes me wary. How would you respond in a supportive yet clear "no" kind of way?

How do you equate them suddenly being nice to wanting you to be a babysitter to their second child? BIG assumption here. I think if there was tension before, you would NOT be the first person they would go to for babysitting.

Not the OP but it's the "using language that they expect me to be hands on deck" that seems to be the answer.
This is really not a useful post.

[Anonymous]

^^ Well, but what is the language? OP has yet to explain exactly what she is hearing from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very direct when people try to manipulate me. "You were unwilling to hear me when Larla1 was born and I felt you were mistreating me and taking advantage. It caused a rift between us. Now that Larla2 is about to be born all of a sudden you think that rift didn't exist? That's bullshit. I love you, and I love your children, but I have my own life and will not be your unpaid unofficial nanny. I'll look forward to visiting for an hour or two once a week/month/year."

I don't see this being a good approach since I assume you want a relationship with larla1 and larla2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very direct when people try to manipulate me. "You were unwilling to hear me when Larla1 was born and I felt you were mistreating me and taking advantage. It caused a rift between us. Now that Larla2 is about to be born all of a sudden you think that rift didn't exist? That's bullshit. I love you, and I love your children, but I have my own life and will not be your unpaid unofficial nanny. I'll look forward to visiting for an hour or two once a week/month/year."

I don't see this being a good approach since I assume you want a relationship with larla1 and larla2.

Gotta wonder if some of these people actually speak this way IRL. I can't imagine they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Well, but what is the language? OP has yet to explain exactly what she is hearing from them.

You are really bizarre, if you think some stranger on the internet has a better clue on personal family wordage, than the OP herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Well, but what is the language? OP has yet to explain exactly what she is hearing from them.

You are really bizarre, if you think some stranger on the internet has a better clue on personal family wordage, than the OP herself.

"Personal family wordage" and "using language" doesn't mean making a request outright. What was exactly said, OP? Clarify for us all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Well, but what is the language? OP has yet to explain exactly what she is hearing from them.

You are really bizarre, if you think some stranger on the internet has a better clue on personal family wordage, than the OP herself.

"Personal family wordage" and "using language" doesn't mean making a request outright. What was exactly said, OP? Clarify for us all.

"us all" don't need clarification. We get it. You don't. OP doesn't have to explain it to you since she's been given plenty of good advice and it's highly unlikely someone like you could add value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would wait until they specifically ask, and then tell them you can't do it this time.

Approaching it without them actually having asked gives them the chance to get snarky "Oh we hadn't planned on you looking after our child again, where would you get that idea?" Etc.

Don't respond unless they ask. If they do more than hint IE: Making direct references in clear language, then tell them. Don't go on vague language though.

Exactly. Say nothing unless they ask. My guess is they won't.
But I still would plan a trip to get away just in case you get cornered!