Family wants me to help them with baby #2, after tension. WWYD?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
A couple years ago, my sibling and their spouse had their first child. I helped out extensively for a super long time. I was basically an unpaid nanny to them for 4 months or so, and sparingly after that. After a while I made my feeling known to them that i began to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated. Their response to that was basically "we disagree. no further discussion needed."
this caused a rift between us. Now they are expecting baby #2 and are turning on the sudden niceness and are using language that they expect me to be hands on deck. For my part, this will not be the case but I don't know how to respond that both is supportive/excited about child #2, but make it explicitly clear that I will not be there to help, at all. Their response when I told them I felt unappreciated still stings, and their sudden niceness now makes me wary. How would you respond in a supportive yet clear "no" kind of way? |
Anonymous
|
Congrats...send pics when the baby is born.
They will get the picture. Sound kind a pair of users! |
Anonymous
| tell them you can't do it. |
Anonymous
| I am very direct when people try to manipulate me. "You were unwilling to hear me when Larla1 was born and I felt you were mistreating me and taking advantage. It caused a rift between us. Now that Larla2 is about to be born all of a sudden you think that rift didn't exist? That's bullshit. I love you, and I love your children, but I have my own life and will not be your unpaid unofficial nanny. I'll look forward to visiting for an hour or two once a week/month/year." |
Anonymous
|
You will have to communicate your boundaries very clearly this time, and follow through, otherwise they will believe what they want to believe and then be offended when reality sinks in. No more Mrs. NiceLady.
First, well in advance of the due date, you ask directly: "Sibling, I'm getting the impression you want me to take care of DC2 like I did with DC1. Is that correct?" - (sibling mumbles something in confirmation) Second, in a firm but calm voice: "You will remember that I felt used the first time. I do not want to be used again. I will always love all your children, but please find another caregiver." |
Anonymous
|
I don't have advice for how you should specifically handle it or what your should say but I think you should stand firm with your decision. If you feel compelled to help, by all means, do so. Don't withhold your help out of spite, but you don't want to be left feeling taken advantage of and disrespected.
I would try to bring it with them before the baby arrives. I think it could lead to a lot more drama if the conversation doesn't happen until after. Maybe when they make a comment that leads you to believe they have this expectation, use that as an opening to start the discussion. If that doesn't happen, I would find a time to discuss it with your sibling sooner rather than later. |
Anonymous
|
'That's not going to work for me.'
or 'It's not possible this time.' |
Anonymous
|
"I can't wait to meet the new baby!"
"Great! About that, we'll need help with older kid once the baby comes...." "My sitting days are over, but I have a little time to help research nannies if you like." |
Anonymous
|
There are siblings that grow up
There are siblings that don't Your post makes it sound as if things have not changed - except for their need for you to help once again. If you are open to helping - schedule lunch with your sibling ONLY so it is one on one and let them know you want to talk about the previous experience. With a new baby - sleep deprivation can stir a lot of things and people do not necessarily see things clearly. If you are open to helping on your terms, let them be known. If you feel they are reaching out again for a free nanny and this is not what you want. Tell them you are open to being a supportive aunt, but that you can not support them in the same way you did with their 1st child. Good luck |
Anonymous
| OP, why were you taking care of DC1 if you didn't want to? Did you tell them they seemed to be getting back on their feet and needing you less, or back away slowly somehow? Or did you just say, "I'm feeling used and I quit"? It doesn't seem like you gave them much of an option to choose when you stopped taking care of DC1 -- did you want them to say, "You're right, we were using you and taking advantage of you"?? They probably sincerely don't think they were. And if nothing sort of hearing them say that would have made you feel better, then how could the situation have been resolved amicably? |
Anonymous
nothing short[u] of hearing them say... |
Anonymous
Not OP, but it does not take a genius to think they could have said, "sorry, that was not our intention, what can we do to make this work for all of us?" |
Anonymous
Keep it short and direct. And polite works too. But say the words above. |
Anonymous
| I would not rehash the old hurt, but instead just focus on the present and be excited for the new baby but be up front as soon as possible that you won't be able to help like you did last time (so they have time to make other arrangements). |
Anonymous
| Stop being a doormat. Get a backbone. Just say no. You get the picture. |