I am dependent on H and he is starting to mistreat me - advice?

[Anonymous]

There is no way to enforce support if you are in a different country. Try moving to a place with two bedrooms. Get your son on a schedule so he is sleeping through the night. I understand that the examples you gave are when your son was sick. Are you sure your husband wasn't upset bc your son never sleeps through the night or is sleeping in bed with you.

Let your child walk- UNLESS walking is your only means of transportation. I can understand that it would be much easier walking home with your groceries if you could hook the bags on your stroller.

I understand bribing your kids just to get them to go potty in public. Public restrooms can be scary for young kids. Just don't do it when you are out with your husband.

None of what you are saying is grounds for a special visa if you divorce. He is not abusing you.

[Anonymous]

PP here again. It's not even about the stroller it sounds like you don't respect his opinion in parenting. He is just as much of a parent as you. You're demeaning him. Get a divorce if you want, but don't cry abuse because you're unwilling to share parenting equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here again. It's not even about the stroller it sounds like you don't respect his opinion in parenting. He is just as much of a parent as you. You're demeaning him. Get a divorce if you want, but don't cry abuse because you're unwilling to share parenting equally.

I should have specified I'm the12:10 poster.

[Anonymous]

OP, I already posted before, but I will post again, because I think there's a problem here. You stated that you are being mistreated. You have already decided that.

People are for some reason thinking they need to decide for you based on little scenarios you provide whether or not you're being mistreated.

I will repeat what I said before. Tell some local friends you can trust, and ask if you can count of them for help. Set aside money in your name only. I know you said you have access to a joint account with your husband, but husbands sometimes move all the money or take their wives names off accounts. If you want to feel you can trust your husband not to do that fine, but at least please get print-outs of the account balance once a week, so you have proof of the fact that there is an account with your name that has money. Protect yourself. Speak with an immigration lawyer. We all have a lot of ideas of what we "think" we know the law should probably be. Find out what it IS.

You are not the first woman to be in this situation.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I never said I was abused.
From reading the replies I start thinking that our parenting styles with H are just very different. Just like here- there are different opinions on strollers, public toilets, etc. I don't think there is a right and a wrong on things like that. Partners just have to agree.
What hurts me is that his input in parenting is mostly in criticizing. He never takes DS for walks, errands, etc- he could execute his stroller filosophy in these, not by criticizing me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I never said I was abused.
From reading the replies I start thinking that our parenting styles with H are just very different. Just like here- there are different opinions on strollers, public toilets, etc. I don't think there is a right and a wrong on things like that. Partners just have to agree.
What hurts me is that his input in parenting is mostly in criticizing. He never takes DS for walks, errands, etc- he could execute his stroller filosophy in these, not by criticizing me.

But agreeing doesn't always mean doing it your way.

It sounds OP like since your child has been born that maybe that he has become your sole focus and priority. Your husband sounds like someone who feels like he has been excluded and he is resentful. It sounds like he feels this is your son because you are closely aligned with your son and his input / opinion get shot down or you lose your cool if he speaks up. Basically it sounds like the dynamic between the two of you has gone off the rails. Have you still make your marriage and your relationship with your husband a priority? Has he spent time alone with the child, have you shown him you trust him? Have you had discussions where you talk about how you both view parenting and look at how to compromise?

It sounds like he is frustrated and feeling shut out. You react to this by pulling away more and aligning with your child. The cycle repeats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I never said I was abused.
From reading the replies I start thinking that our parenting styles with H are just very different. Just like here- there are different opinions on strollers, public toilets, etc. I don't think there is a right and a wrong on things like that. Partners just have to agree.
What hurts me is that his input in parenting is mostly in criticizing. He never takes DS for walks, errands, etc- he could execute his stroller filosophy in these, not by criticizing me.

But agreeing doesn't always mean doing it your way.

It sounds OP like since your child has been born that maybe that he has become your sole focus and priority. Your husband sounds like someone who feels like he has been excluded and he is resentful. It sounds like he feels this is your son because you are closely aligned with your son and his input / opinion get shot down or you lose your cool if he speaks up. Basically it sounds like the dynamic between the two of you has gone off the rails. Have you still make your marriage and your relationship with your husband a priority? Has he spent time alone with the child, have you shown him you trust him? Have you had discussions where you talk about how you both view parenting and look at how to compromise?

It sounds like he is frustrated and feeling shut out. You react to this by pulling away more and aligning with your child. The cycle repeats.

I think this is what my husband thinks, too.
Except I do trust him with our son; he just is not interested.

[Anonymous]

Well said, PP.

These are not divorce worthy, IMO. You need to consider what taking your child away from his father will do to your son. Your approach sounds like it's all about you, but you're not the only one in your family.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]OP, I already posted before, but I will post again, because I think there's a problem here. You stated that you are being mistreated. You have already decided that.

People are for some reason thinking they need to decide for you based on little scenarios you provide whether or not you're being mistreated.

I will repeat what I said before. Tell some local friends you can trust, and ask if you can count of them for help. Set aside money in your name only. I know you said you have access to a joint account with your husband, but husbands sometimes move all the money or take their wives names off accounts. If you want to feel you can trust your husband not to do that fine, but at least please get print-outs of the account balance once a week, so you have proof of the fact that there is an account with your name that has money. Protect yourself. Speak with an immigration lawyer. We all have a lot of ideas of what we "think" we know the law should probably be. Find out what it IS.

You are not the first woman to be in this situation. [/quote]

Thank you PP. I have an account of my own and my papers are in a folder in a safe place.
H is not abusive but he can really lose his cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here again. It's not even about the stroller it sounds like you don't respect his opinion in parenting. He is just as much of a parent as you. You're demeaning him. Get a divorce if you want, but don't cry abuse because you're unwilling to share parenting equally.

If he wants a say in things he needs to share the burden, too. Not command me to do things his way.

[Anonymous]

Have you started your green card application yet?

[Anonymous]

PP here again. It's not even about the stroller it sounds like you don't respect his opinion in parenting. He is just as much of a parent as you. You're demeaning him. Get a divorce if you want, but don't cry abuse because you're unwilling to share parenting equally.

If he wants a say in things he needs to share the burden, too. Not command me to do things his way.

I agree OP. I think the posters who are basically advising you to follow your husband's child-rearing orders with blind obedience are absurd. Yes, both parents get input, but we are not talking about choosing a school or daycare or other big picture issues; this sounds just like the mundane everyday stuff that really each parent should decide for themselves when they are taking care of the kid. (And if they are not doing the daily caretaking, well, the answer follows.) In terms of going forward, I think you should take the opposite tack. Be polite but firm about your boundaries: allowing a controlling person to control even more is a downward spiral. And encourage DH to be more involved with your son - even if it means planning something for them one-on-one - or pushing for family activities you think DH will enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP here again. It's not even about the stroller it sounds like you don't respect his opinion in parenting. He is just as much of a parent as you. You're demeaning him. Get a divorce if you want, but don't cry abuse because you're unwilling to share parenting equally.

If he wants a say in things he needs to share the burden, too. Not command me to do things his way.

I agree OP. I think the posters who are basically advising you to follow your husband's child-rearing orders with blind obedience are absurd. Yes, both parents get input, but we are not talking about choosing a school or daycare or other big picture issues; this sounds just like the mundane everyday stuff that really each parent should decide for themselves when they are taking care of the kid. (And if they are not doing the daily caretaking, well, the answer follows.) In terms of going forward, I think you should take the opposite tack. Be polite but firm about your boundaries: allowing a controlling person to control even more is a downward spiral. And encourage DH to be more involved with your son - even if it means planning something for them one-on-one - or pushing for family activities you think DH will enjoy.

Except no one is saying that.

And on one hand you say that DH doesn't get to say how things will be but that OP should put her foot down and get to say how things will be. So based on that logic then should her DH control 100% of the finances and set boundaries and be firm about it with OP because he is the one making the money? She is already controlling all the parenting, this is two people caught in a battle of wills, both wanting to be right.

You are going to have marriage problems with either person thinks they should control any aspect 100% - either parenting, finances, activities. That isn't a healthy marriage. In OPs case, it sounds like both are fighting for control, both blow up and lose their cool, both are pulling back into their fighting corners and OP is bringing her child with her then asking why her DH isn't taking up half the burden. the battle lines have been drawn and neither is giving at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here again. It's not even about the stroller it sounds like you don't respect his opinion in parenting. He is just as much of a parent as you. You're demeaning him. Get a divorce if you want, but don't cry abuse because you're unwilling to share parenting equally.

If he wants a say in things he needs to share the burden, too. Not command me to do things his way.

That's not the way parenting works, at least not in my house.

[Anonymous]

So you are the primary caregiver so you feel you get control 100% of the parenting decisions.

He is the primary breadwinner so he feels he should get to control 100% of the finances.

Sounds like you two are more alike than you think!