I am dependent on H and he is starting to mistreat me - advice?

[Anonymous]

OP, your son may no longer be a baby, but unless you have the right living situation, having a kid can be hard. Your son needs his own room, or at least the option of going to his own room. You and hubby need time as grown-ups both together and individually. Your son can most certainly walk to the park, he'll just go more slowly. And how much stuff do you need to take with you on these park trips anyway?

[Anonymous]

OP here. As I said we do walk to the park, but not if its a 1.5 mile walk one way. Or if I need to run a time sensitive errand. H however is free to take any means of transportation if he is with the kid. He ends up carrying him for most of the way anyway; what's the difference with taking a stroller?

Anyway, I thought I was giving very neutral examples but people can't seem to agree on those and I think this is taking us away from the key issue.

Here's another example of when I let H have his way and how it all played out. He insisted DS did not like the Tylenol suspension and it needs to be given in pills. I ran and got the pills, of course DS refused to take them- with suspension I can at least make him take it in the syringe. And it is almost always the case. He wants to have his way in things he knows nothing about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I said we do walk to the park, but not if its a 1.5 mile walk one way. Or if I need to run a time sensitive errand. H however is free to take any means of transportation if he is with the kid. He ends up carrying him for most of the way anyway; what's the difference with taking a stroller?

Anyway, I thought I was giving very neutral examples but people can't seem to agree on those and I think this is taking us away from the key issue.

Here's another example of when I let H have his way and how it all played out. He insisted DS did not like the Tylenol suspension and it needs to be given in pills. I ran and got the pills, of course DS refused to take them- with suspension I can at least make him take it in the syringe. And it is almost always the case. He wants to have his way in things he knows nothing about.

In your first post, you say he is bordering on mentally abusive. This example is far from that. I'd love to hear your husband's side of things, because I suspect there is A LOT more going on than what you are saying. Frankly, I was sympathetic to you at first, but now not so much.

[Anonymous]

OP, your last example sounds like something that could happen in ANY family. Perhaps your husband would like more input but whenever he does, he's met with a wife who turns down anything he has to say. I'm siding with him more and more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband sounds like a pain, and I doubt it will get better any time soon. (My husband is somewhat similar.) You have to decide whether you can just accept that he's going to be a jerk some of the time, or whether it makes you feel miserable to have this kind of mentality around you and your child. Your husband sounds unpleasant but none of what you referenced is likely to be considered abuse under the law or for visa purposes. It sounds like bickering between an unhappy couple with a small child.

Fwiw, I don't think a life in an Eastern European country with your child is so terrible that you should stay here if you're truly unhappy. Your child presumably has a US citizenship, so he will always have better prospects than others in his country. And there are lots of places in Eastern Europe that are growing - Poland for example.

I am EE as well, and I am puzzled with the bleak prospects that OP sees over there.

I am not saying they are great (also depends on which country we are talking about), but what exactly are your prospects here, OP? Even if you get your legal status resolved (a big and complicated IF), doesn't mean you will get a job, or that it will be well paid . Vacations are certainly going to be very short, and you will be coming late home from work who knows when. Childcare costs here are enormous and can easily eat up your whole salary. You child has a citizenship and he can make a great start in the US even when he is 18 or 22. I am not so sure about you. At least you have family there, and with the money your husband would send you could have a comfortable life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I said we do walk to the park, but not if its a 1.5 mile walk one way. Or if I need to run a time sensitive errand. H however is free to take any means of transportation if he is with the kid. He ends up carrying him for most of the way anyway; what's the difference with taking a stroller?

Anyway, I thought I was giving very neutral examples but people can't seem to agree on those and I think this is taking us away from the key issue.

Here's another example of when I let H have his way and how it all played out. He insisted DS did not like the Tylenol suspension and it needs to be given in pills. I ran and got the pills, of course DS refused to take them- with suspension I can at least make him take it in the syringe. And it is almost always the case. He wants to have his way in things he knows nothing about.

In your first post, you say he is bordering on mentally abusive. This example is far from that. I'd love to hear your husband's side of things, because I suspect there is A LOT more going on than what you are saying. Frankly, I was sympathetic to you at first, but now not so much.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband sounds like a pain, and I doubt it will get better any time soon. (My husband is somewhat similar.) You have to decide whether you can just accept that he's going to be a jerk some of the time, or whether it makes you feel miserable to have this kind of mentality around you and your child. Your husband sounds unpleasant but none of what you referenced is likely to be considered abuse under the law or for visa purposes. It sounds like bickering between an unhappy couple with a small child.

Fwiw, I don't think a life in an Eastern European country with your child is so terrible that you should stay here if you're truly unhappy. Your child presumably has a US citizenship, so he will always have better prospects than others in his country. And there are lots of places in Eastern Europe that are growing - Poland for example.

I am EE as well, and I am puzzled with the bleak prospects that OP sees over there.

I am not saying they are great (also depends on which country we are talking about), but what exactly are your prospects here, OP? Even if you get your legal status resolved (a big and complicated IF), doesn't mean you will get a job, or that it will be well paid . Vacations are certainly going to be very short, and you will be coming late home from work who knows when. Childcare costs here are enormous and can easily eat up your whole salary. You child has a citizenship and he can make a great start in the US even when he is 18 or 22. I am not so sure about you. At least you have family there, and with the money your husband would send you could have a comfortable life.

This is that part I find offensive. OP would rather move to another continent than iron out some pretty basic parenting disagreements.

[Anonymous]

OP have you ever gone to any parenting classes or sought out a third party to help you navigate these parenting disagreements?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband sounds like a pain, and I doubt it will get better any time soon. (My husband is somewhat similar.) You have to decide whether you can just accept that he's going to be a jerk some of the time, or whether it makes you feel miserable to have this kind of mentality around you and your child. Your husband sounds unpleasant but none of what you referenced is likely to be considered abuse under the law or for visa purposes. It sounds like bickering between an unhappy couple with a small child.

Fwiw, I don't think a life in an Eastern European country with your child is so terrible that you should stay here if you're truly unhappy. Your child presumably has a US citizenship, so he will always have better prospects than others in his country. And there are lots of places in Eastern Europe that are growing - Poland for example.

I am EE as well, and I am puzzled with the bleak prospects that OP sees over there.

I am not saying they are great (also depends on which country we are talking about), but what exactly are your prospects here, OP? Even if you get your legal status resolved (a big and complicated IF), doesn't mean you will get a job, or that it will be well paid . Vacations are certainly going to be very short, and you will be coming late home from work who knows when. Childcare costs here are enormous and can easily eat up your whole salary. You child has a citizenship and he can make a great start in the US even when he is 18 or 22. I am not so sure about you. At least you have family there, and with the money your husband would send you could have a comfortable life.

This is that part I find offensive. OP would rather move to another continent than iron out some pretty basic parenting disagreements.

But she wouldn't. She would rather stick here, illegal and divorced, then go back to Europe. That, to me, is irrational, but so are her complaints about her husband. Looking for divorce because of some bickering. Really?

[Anonymous]

OP here.
H does not want any third party involvement. He is agains therapy and the like.
I never said I would rather stay here illegally. Please, lets not turn this into insults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband sounds like a pain, and I doubt it will get better any time soon. (My husband is somewhat similar.) You have to decide whether you can just accept that he's going to be a jerk some of the time, or whether it makes you feel miserable to have this kind of mentality around you and your child. Your husband sounds unpleasant but none of what you referenced is likely to be considered abuse under the law or for visa purposes. It sounds like bickering between an unhappy couple with a small child.

Fwiw, I don't think a life in an Eastern European country with your child is so terrible that you should stay here if you're truly unhappy. Your child presumably has a US citizenship, so he will always have better prospects than others in his country. And there are lots of places in Eastern Europe that are growing - Poland for example.

I am EE as well, and I am puzzled with the bleak prospects that OP sees over there.

I am not saying they are great (also depends on which country we are talking about), but what exactly are your prospects here, OP? Even if you get your legal status resolved (a big and complicated IF), doesn't mean you will get a job, or that it will be well paid . Vacations are certainly going to be very short, and you will be coming late home from work who knows when. Childcare costs here are enormous and can easily eat up your whole salary. You child has a citizenship and he can make a great start in the US even when he is 18 or 22. I am not so sure about you. At least you have family there, and with the money your husband would send you could have a comfortable life.

I will have to work hard there, too.
I don't need vacations because where I live is a vacation in itself, really.
I am from a country that was once part of the USSR, I hope that helps to understand why I don't want to go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I said we do walk to the park, but not if its a 1.5 mile walk one way. Or if I need to run a time sensitive errand. H however is free to take any means of transportation if he is with the kid. He ends up carrying him for most of the way anyway; what's the difference with taking a stroller?

Anyway, I thought I was giving very neutral examples but people can't seem to agree on those and I think this is taking us away from the key issue.

Here's another example of when I let H have his way and how it all played out. He insisted DS did not like the Tylenol suspension and it needs to be given in pills. I ran and got the pills, of course DS refused to take them- with suspension I can at least make him take it in the syringe. And it is almost always the case. He wants to have his way in things he knows nothing about.

In your first post, you say he is bordering on mentally abusive. This example is far from that. I'd love to hear your husband's side of things, because I suspect there is A LOT more going on than what you are saying. Frankly, I was sympathetic to you at first, but now not so much.

These are all different examples to illustrate different things. Of course I did not think of divorce based on Tylenol argument. but yelling in the middle of the night, because a sick child wanted a night light?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, the night light thing is pretty small. It's reason for a sit down chat, not a courtroom battle.

[Anonymous]

Without love, even petty issues are significant. I haven't read all the replies but I don't think OP needs to defend whether it's okay to divorce this man or not.

Now if you need his Visa to stay and you want to stay, only you can decide whether it's worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I said we do walk to the park, but not if its a 1.5 mile walk one way. Or if I need to run a time sensitive errand. H however is free to take any means of transportation if he is with the kid. He ends up carrying him for most of the way anyway; what's the difference with taking a stroller?

Anyway, I thought I was giving very neutral examples but people can't seem to agree on those and I think this is taking us away from the key issue.

Here's another example of when I let H have his way and how it all played out. He insisted DS did not like the Tylenol suspension and it needs to be given in pills. I ran and got the pills, of course DS refused to take them- with suspension I can at least make him take it in the syringe. And it is almost always the case. He wants to have his way in things he knows nothing about.

In your first post, you say he is bordering on mentally abusive. This example is far from that. I'd love to hear your husband's side of things, because I suspect there is A LOT more going on than what you are saying. Frankly, I was sympathetic to you at first, but now not so much.

These are all different examples to illustrate different things. Of course I did not think of divorce based on Tylenol argument. but yelling in the middle of the night, because a sick child wanted a night light?

How did your husband even know about needing the nightlight? You went to your child's room and then went back to your room to get the nightlight and in the process of rummaging around DH woke up from the noise and asked you what you were doing...you told him you were trying to find a nightlight for DC and DH started to yell at you that you are coddling the child?

Is that what happened?