I am dependent on H and he is starting to mistreat me - advice?
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Anonymous
Oops, bear the brunt, not bear the grunt of course  Sorry!
OP. |
Anonymous
| How old is your son? It sounds like maybe he is 2? |
Anonymous
| Our son is 3. |
Anonymous
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This doesn't sound like abuse to me. It sounds like he second guesses your parenting during the day, which is his right as a parent. Then, he has trouble being calm and reasonable when woken up in the middle of the night.
Your husband's opinion on how to raise your son is just as valid as yours. |
Anonymous
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OP, your husband sounds like a pain, and I doubt it will get better any time soon. (My husband is somewhat similar.) You have to decide whether you can just accept that he's going to be a jerk some of the time, or whether it makes you feel miserable to have this kind of mentality around you and your child. Your husband sounds unpleasant but none of what you referenced is likely to be considered abuse under the law or for visa purposes. It sounds like bickering between an unhappy couple with a small child.
Fwiw, I don't think a life in an Eastern European country with your child is so terrible that you should stay here if you're truly unhappy. Your child presumably has a US citizenship, so he will always have better prospects than others in his country. And there are lots of places in Eastern Europe that are growing - Poland for example. |
Anonymous
| OP: can you list the things you like about your husband? To me, he doesn't seem that bad. If you can keep your cool, smile and nod when he gives you advice, and then just keep doing what you want to do, it sounds like you will be fine. As for the night, I think if your kid is 3, it is time for him to move to another room. Also, it sounds to me that you are maybe too intensely involved in your DS. This can make husbands understandably jealous. And remember that it actually isn't good for your DS to obsess about him too much. |
Anonymous
Way to give dad input on parenting. If OP ignores everything her husband has to say about child rearing, that's not going to help their relationship or his relationship with his child. Loosen the reigns, OP. Btw, I agree with your husband about the stroller. |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm a woman and if I had to share my bedroom with my kid on a regular basis, I'd be a basket case. I don't sleep as well, and it can ruin grown-up time for both yourself and for you and your husband as a couple. A bigger place may be difficult finantially, but divorce isn't cheap either. It sounds to me like your husband is stressed and exausted. Where you live is huge. I absolutely hate sharing walls with the neighbors. It's possible your husband is the same way. Kids can be unpredictable, and if he has had to hear the neighbors fight, vacum, screw, cheer during a sporting event, and then his kid wakes up at a weird time on the next consecutive night, I can understand why he'd flip. also, what is his work situation like? Is he working long hours and held to a standard most Americans are not. That can suck his soul. Lastly, it does seem you need to let your son grow up a bit. He loves the stroller so you let him ride in it? He hates public potties so you give him a cookie? At some point you need to teach your son that he's a big boy and he needs to walk, just like he needs to use public potties. I wonder if your son is seeing that your son is manipulating you, not that your approach is being done to make life easier. I'd suggest you two see a marriage councelor and seriously look at moving to a more suitable place before divorcing. Give it six months to a year and if things are still unpleasant, you can divorce then. |
Anonymous
| OP, it sounds like your husband is an irritating guy. I would not want to tolerate his behavior, but it doesn't sound abusive, just inconsiderate and controlling. It may be grounds for a divorce, but I don't think it is grounds for a special immigration status. |
Anonymous
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OP here- I will reply in small increments as DS is up and running
I tried the smile and nod strategy but H is not a fool. |
Anonymous
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OP again.
I am not hoping for any special status, I assume I will lose my visa if I divorce. There are other options such as separation, for example- but I will either have to work illegally or go back to my home country. Both options are not ideal, to say the least. If I divorce at least I can hope for decent child support and maybe even alimony, and maybe there is a way to enforce those payments even if I am out of the country. There is also counseling but I don't think H will agree. If I go alone this will be an additional ground for picking on me, he would make himself look so generous and myself not utilizing therapy efficiently enough. |
Anonymous
Did you ever consider sitting down and discussing it like adults? |
Anonymous
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Someone also asked what I liked about H.
He is a great professional and a decent provider; he is generous and trusting, he is kind and honest. However, looks like he is changing a lot lately, or rather, since the child was born. I attributed it to hardships of adjustment to baby, but DS is not a baby anymore. |
Anonymous
We discussed it many times but we just cannot agree on anything it seems. Take the stroller argument for example- my point is that if H is around, I am totally fine without the stroller, I am not some stroller maniac! But if I need to get to a park that is within walking distance for an adult (say, a 20 minute adult walk), yes I prefer to take the stroller and walk instead of driving. There is no way DS is going to walk all the way to the park and back. I will end up lugging him and all our stuff. He doesn't get it. He thinks DS is too old for a stroller, period. There is no solution he offers- driving? Really? What's the difference,except both of us don't get any exercise? |
Anonymous
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How much stuff do you need to take to the park?
It sounds like you're being unreasonable on the stroller thing. A 3 year old can walk that far. |