I am dependent on H and he is starting to mistreat me - advice?

[Anonymous]

I'm the one who posted you need an immigration lawyer.
Some victims of abuse can get special status due to the abuse. I don't know how it works, but check it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he wants you to leave your son with him and go back to your country?? It sounds like he is threatening you with your child. How will he be a single father in this country? Do you ask him that? You either need to ignore him completely or talk to a lawyer.

No, he wants me to take the chid and leave. He says that in the course of arguments; but then he is the one to apologize and make peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one who posted you need an immigration lawyer.
Some victims of abuse can get special status due to the abuse. I don't know how it works, but check it out.

I am not quite sure this qualifies as abuse though.

[Anonymous]

OP back again.
We do have arguments that are not in the middle of the night, but they are much more civilized, and there is a reason, if I may say so- e.g. he suddenly doesn't like something about the child's routines or diet or whatever, and if I lose my cool we have an argument.
In these cases I was just taken aback by total injustice as I see it- the kid is sick, I am tired, etc.

One PP wrote about the environment for the child- yes, I am thinking about it, too...on the other hand, we visited relatives recently- of course the country is not nearly as bad as Somalia, for example, but is very depressed and has a lot if issues....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. we are both Eastern European.
Yes, I have family and a place to live back in my home country, but job opportunities are scarce, there is pollution, and the country is in overall decline.

I tried talking to him many times; it all ends up in his accusations of me on various accounts.

Is he an alcoholic (by American terms NOT Eastern European terms)?

[Anonymous]

OP, I suggest that you NOT bother spending money on a bigger place. If he is abusive, even a mansion won't help. Men who are abusive do not stop simply because they have more space at home.

Tell some local friends here that you're concerned your husband is being abusive. Ask if you can count on them for some help if it comes to that. Start putting aside little bits of money here and there - $5 this week, $3 next, whatever you can. Put your and your son's passports in a ziplock bag and hide it somewhere. Have a safe place you can go in an emergency. These things can escalate very suddenly.

Go see an immagration lawyer. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one who posted you need an immigration lawyer.
Some victims of abuse can get special status due to the abuse. I don't know how it works, but check it out.

I think these visas are only for people being abused by a US citizen partner. But I'm not sure. . . definitely contact Ayuda, and also some law schools have immigration clinics where the students and professors will help you with your immigration problem for no cost. George Washington University has one, perhaps also Howard University, Georgetown, American, UDC . . . google a bit and make some calls.

If you can't get a work visa, then you need to think about whether it would be better to stay with this guy in the US or be away from him in your home country. What is worse, being with him or being in your home country?

[Anonymous]

The middle of the night examples you describe do not sound like emotional abuse. They sound like stress/exhaustion/differences in parenting. That makes me wonder about whether you are viewing his actions accurately or if they are being skewed through a lens of very protective mom / me and child against dad alignment.

Why would you lose your cool if he disagreed with something about parenting/ the child's routine/discipline?

Do you not feel he should have input? And why do you lose your cool when he voices an opinion? Do you lose your cool often?

[Anonymous]

Are you sharing a bedroom with the toddler? That's the only senario where I think getting more space would help, so your DH doesn't wake up at night when your son does.

If it's just an occassion argument I would try to stick it out for a until you can get a work permit or visa or whatever you need. Consult a lawyer to make sure you'll be able to keep it and get all the details straight. If at any point you fear for your or your son's safety, get out ASAP.

Honestly your DH reminds me a little of my dad. Terrible temper and would scream at us for little things, but I wouldn't call that abusive. My parents divorced but I have a great relationship with him now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. we are both Eastern European.
Yes, I have family and a place to live back in my home country, but job opportunities are scarce, there is pollution, and the country is in overall decline.

I tried talking to him many times; it all ends up in his accusations of me on various accounts.

Is he an alcoholic (by American terms NOT Eastern European terms)?

No, he rarely ever drinks and certainly does not get drunk by any standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suggest that you NOT bother spending money on a bigger place. If he is abusive, even a mansion won't help. Men who are abusive do not stop simply because they have more space at home.

Tell some local friends here that you're concerned your husband is being abusive. Ask if you can count on them for some help if it comes to that. Start putting aside little bits of money here and there - $5 this week, $3 next, whatever you can. Put your and your son's passports in a ziplock bag and hide it somewhere. Have a safe place you can go in an emergency. These things can escalate very suddenly.

Go see an immagration lawyer. Good luck, OP.

Thank you PP. I am by no means a helpless victim. I do have full access to our joint account, plus an account of my own (pre-marital money). Not a lot, about 10 grand, but still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one who posted you need an immigration lawyer.
Some victims of abuse can get special status due to the abuse. I don't know how it works, but check it out.

I think these visas are only for people being abused by a US citizen partner. But I'm not sure. . . definitely contact Ayuda, and also some law schools have immigration clinics where the students and professors will help you with your immigration problem for no cost. George Washington University has one, perhaps also Howard University, Georgetown, American, UDC . . . google a bit and make some calls.

If you can't get a work visa, then you need to think about whether it would be better to stay with this guy in the US or be away from him in your home country. What is worse, being with him or being in your home country?

Yes, I think so too, that it is only for spouses of US citizens.
I can afford to pay for an initial consult; the problem is that my issue falls in the gray area between family law and immigration law. I am pretty sure I will lose my status, so even if I get divorced in the US and will be entitled to payments it will be difficult to enforce.

yes, you are right, it all comes to a dilemma: stay with him or go back, what is worse? He is not terrible; between his fits he is OK. My home country is not terrible either I don't know. I am concerned about unmotivated screaming in the presence of child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The middle of the night examples you describe do not sound like emotional abuse. They sound like stress/exhaustion/differences in parenting. That makes me wonder about whether you are viewing his actions accurately or if they are being skewed through a lens of very protective mom / me and child against dad alignment.

Why would you lose your cool if he disagreed with something about parenting/ the child's routine/discipline?

Do you not feel he should have input? And why do you lose your cool when he voices an opinion? Do you lose your cool often?

These are good questions, PP.
I would lose my cool because these disagreements are sudden and not always logical. I would say, most of the time I think of them as absurd. Plus, he is doing it as "the boss of me" - not the one who participates and asks me to stick to a particular routine, but someone ordering me to do stuff.
Let me give you some examples.
My son is afraid of public toilets. Sometimes to avoid the screaming I promise him a piece of cookie if he goes without any problem. H sees DS munching on a piece of cookie (mind you, he himself gave him whole cookies many times, often before dinner, brushing off my requests not to) - and goes on to say that DS should not be snacking, he should only have three meals a day, etc. This shows misunderstanding of a situation, plus not being aware that I only give healthy snacks (that was actually a random treat), plus not being aware that sometimes lunchtime can be delayed (as was the case that day).
Another example - DS loves being in a stroller. I don't take it with me for short walks to the playground, but when we need to get somewhere quickly and/or I have to carry stuff -I do use it. H constantly tells me that I should be getting rid of the stroller.

These are just a few examples. He has a couple of pet peeves, too, but they are also about issues people disagree on all the time. It's not like I am smoking around the child or something like that that is def bad, that's what I mean.

[Anonymous]

OP: as for having input...you either do your share and have a say, or let the other parent bear the grunt and shut up. That's what I think. You don't go bossing the primary caregiver around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sharing a bedroom with the toddler? That's the only senario where I think getting more space would help, so your DH doesn't wake up at night when your son does.

If it's just an occassion argument I would try to stick it out for a until you can get a work permit or visa or whatever you need. Consult a lawyer to make sure you'll be able to keep it and get all the details straight. If at any point you fear for your or your son's safety, get out ASAP.

Honestly your DH reminds me a little of my dad. Terrible temper and would scream at us for little things, but I wouldn't call that abusive. My parents divorced but I have a great relationship with him now.

yes, we are sharing a room with our child; but when he woke up from jetlag, I immediately took him to the living room. H complained that I was shushing the kid too loudly, stomping, etc. That makes me think that getting a bigger place won't help. H does not have sleep issues; he sleeps in on weekends totally fine. He is picking on me.