I am dependent on H and he is starting to mistreat me - advice?

[Anonymous]

Hi all,
My H and I are here on visas - for his work - my visa status is dependent on his and I am not allowed to seek employment.
We have a preschooler.
Lately H is doing things that I am afraid can be called emotional abuse. Two examples: the kid got sick, had fever, and fussed and wanted a night light on. H flipped out on me and son, screaming how tired he is of all the commotion (we live in a small apartment), how I have spoiled the child that he cannot sleep alone and/or without night light. Come on, the child is sick!
Another example: we came back from a trip to a different time zone and the child was up at 4 am. I let him play and went to get him some breakfast because I knew he would be back in bed, asleep, in a couple hours. DS was whiney and kept asking for a treat which I refused to give him, so he did yell a little, I put him in time out, but again there was commotion. Again, H flipped out, yelling hysterically that his sleep is disrupted, how we get on his nerves, how DS cannot sleep normally and is always throwing tantrums, etc.
H then took the credit cards out of my wallet, saying that he is going to file for divorce and needs to control the cash flow, then returned them, I mean, full on hysterics.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I think both cases are just a preschooler being sick or jet lagged, it's not like he is waking up every night throwing tantrums. I think H is behaving like a jerk. I don't think renting a bigger place would solve the problem, or would it? I think he would find something else to be mad about.
I cannot seek employment right now. Even my internship opportunities are very limited with this visa. I am also not a highly skilled specialist in high demand, so I don't think I can find an employer who will arrange a visa for me.

Do I go back to my home country, taking my son with me? (H will not object) This will severely limit DS's quality of life though.
Do I ask H to separate, and hope that he pays our expenses until I get me work permit, and then go through official divorce?
Do I stick it out and wait for the work permit? (may take a year or more)
Do we just rent a bigger place where he can have his man cave? (It will really be a stretch financially, and I am not sure it will solve the problem)

Appreciate any feedback I can get. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

OP here - H does not believe in therapy for himself, but I think will be ok with therapy for me. Though I think he will bitch about the costs.

[Anonymous]

OP here again.
H is not a bad man - he pays for part time preschool for our son, he lets me run the family budget, etc. He helps a little around the house; however, he does not spend much time with our son.
He loves to criticize the way I bring up our child. These are different things all the time, there is no logic in it, at least I don't see it.
It was not too bad until recently, but getting worse. I could find fault with myself in all our previous altercations, but these two? with a sick or jetlagged child - yelling at him and his mom? I am just disgusted...

[Anonymous]

OP, what part of the world are you from? Men of different cultures have different ways of looking at things.

[Anonymous]

OP if you go to your home country, is there family there to take you in? His family or both of your family?

I would not have any more children with this man. A good father doesn't lose it like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
H is not a bad man - he pays for part time preschool for our son, he lets me run the family budget, etc. He helps a little around the house; however, he does not spend much time with our son.
He loves to criticize the way I bring up our child. These are different things all the time, there is no logic in it, at least I don't see it.
It was not too bad until recently, but getting worse. I could find fault with myself in all our previous altercations, but these two? with a sick or jetlagged child - yelling at him and his mom? I am just disgusted...

He is. Marry an American next time. They are not cave men.

[Anonymous]

Small children can put a great deal of stress on the marriage. Have you tried talking to him about how his yelling at you made you feel (at a time when he is well rested)? Maybe together you can come to a compromise.

[Anonymous]

It depends on where you are from. If quality of life will be very low for your son in your home country then I would stick it out longer. If schools here are much better I would definitely stay barring outright abuse. Sorry OP.

What do you say your husband wouldn't care if you and DS went back to your country? Have you talked about it? Will he def send money home to you?

[Anonymous]

This is OP. we are both Eastern European.
Yes, I have family and a place to live back in my home country, but job opportunities are scarce, there is pollution, and the country is in overall decline.

I tried talking to him many times; it all ends up in his accusations of me on various accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on where you are from. If quality of life will be very low for your son in your home country then I would stick it out longer. If schools here are much better I would definitely stay barring outright abuse. Sorry OP.

What do you say your husband wouldn't care if you and DS went back to your country? Have you talked about it? Will he def send money home to you?

He actually pressures me to go back; he knows I won't leave my son.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to consult an attorney who specializes in immigration and domestic abuse.

Try Ayuda, or the women's center in Vienna.

[Anonymous]

That last part actually sounds more serious to me than flipping out in the middle of the night when he's tired. But I imagine it was worse to experience than you can capture in your post.

[Anonymous]

He freaks out, but only when he's woken up in the middle of the night? That's an issue for some people. I am likely to cry or be a bitch if I'm stressed by something when I'm not fully awake.

I'm a woman and I cry only rarely otherwise. The half asleep me is very unlike my awake me.

[Anonymous]

So he wants you to leave your son with him and go back to your country?? It sounds like he is threatening you with your child. How will he be a single father in this country? Do you ask him that? You either need to ignore him completely or talk to a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
H is not a bad man - he pays for part time preschool for our son, he lets me run the family budget, etc. He helps a little around the house; however, he does not spend much time with our son.
He loves to criticize the way I bring up our child. These are different things all the time, there is no logic in it, at least I don't see it.
It was not too bad until recently, but getting worse. I could find fault with myself in all our previous altercations, but these two? with a sick or jetlagged child - yelling at him and his mom? I am just disgusted...

I see and hear this all the time OP.

People claim their S/O's are not necessarily "bad" people, yet they do all these bad things.

Am confused.

Anyway, it does sound like you are stuck w/him for immigration issues.

I am not sure what the immigration laws are where you are at, but if you are 100%dependent on him for your visa, then you probably have no choice but to stay.

Or at the very least, try to put up w/it until you can secure a way to stay here w/out having to depend on another person.

I hope things work out for you.

Keeping my finger's crossed his bad temper does not progress as their is a young child involved here who deserves a stable and secure home environment.