I am dependent on H and he is starting to mistreat me - advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I said we do walk to the park, but not if its a 1.5 mile walk one way. Or if I need to run a time sensitive errand. H however is free to take any means of transportation if he is with the kid. He ends up carrying him for most of the way anyway; what's the difference with taking a stroller?

Anyway, I thought I was giving very neutral examples but people can't seem to agree on those and I think this is taking us away from the key issue.

Here's another example of when I let H have his way and how it all played out. He insisted DS did not like the Tylenol suspension and it needs to be given in pills. I ran and got the pills, of course DS refused to take them- with suspension I can at least make him take it in the syringe. And it is almost always the case. He wants to have his way in things he knows nothing about.

In your first post, you say he is bordering on mentally abusive. This example is far from that. I'd love to hear your husband's side of things, because I suspect there is A LOT more going on than what you are saying. Frankly, I was sympathetic to you at first, but now not so much.

These are all different examples to illustrate different things. Of course I did not think of divorce based on Tylenol argument. but yelling in the middle of the night, because a sick child wanted a night light?

How did your husband even know about needing the nightlight? You went to your child's room and then went back to your room to get the nightlight and in the process of rummaging around DH woke up from the noise and asked you what you were doing...you told him you were trying to find a nightlight for DC and DH started to yell at you that you are coddling the child?

Is that what happened?

We are all in the same bedroom.
H wants to move to a bigger place. I am all for it, but would like to move to a good school district; he wants to move to where it is cheaper and then move again before school enrollment. no biggie for him as he is not planning to deal with moving.

[Anonymous]

Move somewhere cheaper and larger for a year or two and then you have time to think about the next steps- divorce, going back to your country, moving to a better school district or staying where you are. I don't think your husband is wrong for wanting to save a little money in rent before school begins.

I don't see anything horrible about any of the examples you've given. Arguments, sure, but not divorce. Move and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

I think you should try a bigger apartment, and you should compromise on the school district. If your son is 3, you can apply to all the charters and out of boundary schools for next year. Apply in the winter, see where you get in, and plan to move this spring/summer. Maybe you can move to a cheap area close to a charter you get into? If that doesn't work out, moving twice within the next two years wouldn't be ideal, but if you are currently living in a one bedroom place, how much stuff can you have to move? Also, you're a SAHM -- arrange a childcare swap for your son each week and dedicate that time to moving related work. Bottom line: I think you need to focus on getting into a bigger place soon, and accept a so-so public school/charter or the possibility of moving twice in the near future.

Also, talk to an immigration lawyer about the visa situation. You may have access to some legal status here. But if not, I'd try everything (moving to a bigger place, etc.) before divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband sounds like a pain, and I doubt it will get better any time soon. (My husband is somewhat similar.) You have to decide whether you can just accept that he's going to be a jerk some of the time, or whether it makes you feel miserable to have this kind of mentality around you and your child. Your husband sounds unpleasant but none of what you referenced is likely to be considered abuse under the law or for visa purposes. It sounds like bickering between an unhappy couple with a small child.

Fwiw, I don't think a life in an Eastern European country with your child is so terrible that you should stay here if you're truly unhappy. Your child presumably has a US citizenship, so he will always have better prospects than others in his country. And there are lots of places in Eastern Europe that are growing - Poland for example.

I am EE as well, and I am puzzled with the bleak prospects that OP sees over there.

I am not saying they are great (also depends on which country we are talking about), but what exactly are your prospects here, OP? Even if you get your legal status resolved (a big and complicated IF), doesn't mean you will get a job, or that it will be well paid . Vacations are certainly going to be very short, and you will be coming late home from work who knows when. Childcare costs here are enormous and can easily eat up your whole salary. You child has a citizenship and he can make a great start in the US even when he is 18 or 22. I am not so sure about you. At least you have family there, and with the money your husband would send you could have a comfortable life.

I will have to work hard there, too.
I don't need vacations because where I live is a vacation in itself, really.
I am from a country that was once part of the USSR, I hope that helps to understand why I don't want to go back.

No, it doesn't. Unless you're from a village in Tajikistan.. then please accept my apologies.

[Anonymous]

OP. I think moving would help. You all need more space. You need space where you and your husband can reconnect and your son needs his own space. This will also give you some separation from your son which it sounds like would benefit all of you. Co-sleeping is only a good option if everyone is on board and no one resents not having their own space. In this case all three of you aren't on board and that is perfectly fine too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I said we do walk to the park, but not if its a 1.5 mile walk one way. Or if I need to run a time sensitive errand. H however is free to take any means of transportation if he is with the kid. He ends up carrying him for most of the way anyway; what's the difference with taking a stroller?

Anyway, I thought I was giving very neutral examples but people can't seem to agree on those and I think this is taking us away from the key issue.

Here's another example of when I let H have his way and how it all played out. He insisted DS did not like the Tylenol suspension and it needs to be given in pills. I ran and got the pills, of course DS refused to take them- with suspension I can at least make him take it in the syringe. And it is almost always the case. He wants to have his way in things he knows nothing about.

In your first post, you say he is bordering on mentally abusive. This example is far from that. I'd love to hear your husband's side of things, because I suspect there is A LOT more going on than what you are saying. Frankly, I was sympathetic to you at first, but now not so much.

These are all different examples to illustrate different things. Of course I did not think of divorce based on Tylenol argument. but yelling in the middle of the night, because a sick child wanted a night light?

How did your husband even know about needing the nightlight? You went to your child's room and then went back to your room to get the nightlight and in the process of rummaging around DH woke up from the noise and asked you what you were doing...you told him you were trying to find a nightlight for DC and DH started to yell at you that you are coddling the child?

Is that what happened?

We are all in the same bedroom.
H wants to move to a bigger place. I am all for it, but would like to move to a good school district; he wants to move to where it is cheaper and then move again before school enrollment. no biggie for him as he is not planning to deal with moving.

He isn't dealing with moving but you aren't dealing with the financial burden or responsibility of the more expensive housing. it sounds like you have drawn battle lines and you are going to make him out to be the bad guy in every situation. This sounds more like you just don't like him and he grates on your nerves. He is likely sensing that and reacting to you with irritation and frustration. Also it sounds like you both weren't on the same page parenting wise right from the start and this has festered for 3 years.

[Anonymous]

Op how much time do you and your husband spend together without your son?

[Anonymous]

OP I understand on many levels.
1. I married a Romanian. I get it. EE men are impossible. I got out. Was not going to be domineered and controlled. Most women posting here from their American perspective have no clue.
2. Romania, lile mose EE countries is pretty much a hole to raise children. Along with the poor living conditions, the social issues are profound. The remnants of communism and that impact on the family might never be reversed.

Try to get a visa and plot your escape.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I just wanted to thank everyone- I need to think it over. Separation might be in order.

[Anonymous]

I would love to hear her husband's side of things.