why do so many of you expect family to help

Anonymous
13:34 - ITA. NP here.

Users are users. Everyone I know with family nearby exhausts them because they use their babysitting services so much. Of course, they would never admit this.

If they do try a sitter, they want to pay some ridiculously low amount of money and totally take advantage, just like they do with their own family.

If you can't handle so many (any) kids, it is not on your aging parent/s!

Anonymous
Cultural
Anonymous
Cultural. Both my mom and MIL WANT to spend as much time with their grandchildren as possible. We were both born in Europe and its the way it is. I find it weird when local grandmas DON'T want to help. I also find it ridiculous how many parents want their kids out at 18 and/or make them pay rent.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is so sad.

My mother and my MIL babysit for free several times a week.

My DH and I also help them -- run errands, manual labor, help with tech stuff -- whatever they need.

We help each other out because we are a family.

Also, the grandmas love being around their grand kids and vice versa. I am so glad they are able to build this loving relationship.

BTW-- my mother and MIL both had careers before retiring.

We also go on outings together and even vacation together sometimes, which I am guessing would horrify most people on this board.


10:38 here and this sounds like us, too. SHOCKING - we have families that enjoy each other's company!


This is my situation too, except that neither my parents nor my in-laws live near enough to babysit every week. They come whenever they can and love to spend time with the kids. They also seem to feel good about giving DH and I a break so we can get out and stay connected as a couple. They happily fill in while our nanny takes vacations. We love taking vacations with them, in part because we like spending time as a family (did this before kids as well) and in part because the extra help with kids means that DH and I can relax a bit too. It works especially well with my mom and sister because they don't have the means to take some of the trips that my DH and I take them on. I thought this was pretty normal, but maybe I'm just lucky.

I really don't understand the anger from some of the posters on this thread. If you resent helping out with the kids of your family members, just don't make yourself available.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I would never expect anything.

However, for YEARS, my mother has constantly urged me to give her grandchildren and has said over and over that she would help, provide daycare.

The main reason I haven't had children up until now is because of the daycare issue (availability and expense and trust and the whole nine yards).

Of course, she keeps telling me she will help, but then when I push her on it, she kind of back pedals.

I have a suspicious that she's not the only mother to do this. And while I would never expect help and would never ask for it, it is completely unfair for a relative (knowing that you're hesitation in having children is the childcare issue) to promise to help and then back down from that when you need the help, especially if you would not have TTC if the offer of assistance was not made.

Relatives and in laws have no right to make you feel guilty for not "giving" them grand children but then not want to help at all. They should just keep quiet and let you make the decisions that work best for you, even if that means not having children because you know you can't afford childcare and can't afford to have one spouse quit working.


You sound overwhelmed right now by the prospect of parenthood. Is your child brand new? If so, it gets easier and you may have a different perspective once you start getting sleep again.

I think there is a difference between providing help and providing full time childcare. I would never expect or even want my parents or in laws to provide full time care for my kids. The kids are exhausting, our parents are older, and it just isn't good to make family members your employees. However, my mom has often said that if she lived closer (and she may in the near future), she would love to take the kids for one day a week and be available for backup care. Her friends have helped their adult children in similar ways. The backup help would give me major peace of mind and one day a week would help me cut out a lot of nanny overtime expense. Maybe that is the kind of help your mom had in mind when she encouraged you to TTC?
Anonymous
My friend bought a house in Westchester County, NY that she and her husband couldn't afford because her mom begged them to stay near and that she would help with watching the kids (friend's husband is a pilot whose home base is actually in CA). After the house was bought, her mom totally backed out of all her promises so now my friend is stuck, underwater in a home and without the promised help. They would love to move to a lower cost area but can't.
Anonymous
While I don't agree that one is entitled to help with kids, I think it's really sad that our society has developed this way. My DH comes from another country and its wonderfully freeing to be there with the kids. Everyone in the village sort of looks after them, so you can let them go outside to play without feeling like you have to watch them like a hawk. I grew up in a US city but our neighborhood was tight-knit and it was like this for me too. It was much easier on kids and parents for families to work this way. Plus, people seemed a lot more invested in the broader community. It wasn't just an "I've got mine" kind of attitude. Everyone pitched in to make sure the place was clean and safe and you cared about the community, not just your own family.

Sadly, we've had to move for work and don't have any of that kind of community support now. I think it's a real loss and I don't agree with the "your kids, you raise them" attitude in that it's insane to try and raise kids in a nuclear family bubble. Human beings need more support than that. Yet, I see it a lot on DCUM. People freaking out, for example, if someone else disciplines their kids (not hitting, just correcting). It's here too in all the "how dare you expect..." type responses to people who want more from their families. It's sort of ironic, actually, we're on DCUM getting the very kind of advice and support from strangers that we think we shouldn't expect to get from our neighbors and families.
Anonymous
I don't think people are objecting to helping family - I believing helping people is a normal part of family relations. But what I object to, is a sense of entitlement from family members that expect me to help with their children if they need it (and they need it often), but they don't carry the same ethic of reciprocating.

It's one thing to believe that family helps each other out. It's another thing entirely, to think that this goes one-way. One needn't keep score - but everyone doing things for each other, once in a while, is a normal expectation. I stopped doing things for extremely needy family members, because they couldn't seem to set aside a small amount of time (a minute fraction of the time I gave to them), to help me out when I needed it.

An important part of families is to back each other up. Not just have them do stuff for you.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:My friend bought a house in Westchester County, NY that she and her husband couldn't afford because her mom begged them to stay near and that she would help with watching the kids (friend's husband is a pilot whose home base is actually in CA). After the house was bought, her mom totally backed out of all her promises so now my friend is stuck, underwater in a home and without the promised help. They would love to move to a lower cost area but can't.


I've seen this kind of thing happen, and it's the biggest reason I don't buy the claim that people are exploiting their parents.

Most people I know were HEAVILY pressured by their parents to (a) give them grandchildren and (b) live nearby. And then when my friends do that -- stay in a location that they really don't like because their parents guilt-trip them into not moving away -- and have a kid, then the parents don't/won't help as promised.

I see that scenario play out FAR MORE than the scenario in which people exploit a parent's offer to babysit.

So my conclusion is that most people expect family to help because the family has SAID they would help and people organized their lives around that promise.

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I don't think people are objecting to helping family - I believing helping people is a normal part of family relations. But what I object to, is a sense of entitlement from family members that expect me to help with their children if they need it (and they need it often), but they don't carry the same ethic of reciprocating.

It's one thing to believe that family helps each other out. It's another thing entirely, to think that this goes one-way. One needn't keep score - but everyone doing things for each other, once in a while, is a normal expectation. I stopped doing things for extremely needy family members, because they couldn't seem to set aside a small amount of time (a minute fraction of the time I gave to them), to help me out when I needed it.

An important part of families is to back each other up. Not just have them do stuff for you.


Usually the people I hear make the complaints you're making are people who are either (a) bad at setting boundaries (i.e. saying "no") and/or (b) people who like to play the martyr and agree to help when they can't or don't really want to.

Most of the time if you say "no" a few times or say you can't help, the people stop asking.

But as for reciprocating, you should never agree to do something and expect something in return that isn't explicitly promised.
Anonymous
Wow, op, you sound selfish. Ever heard the phrase "it takes a village"?
Anonymous
I would add, I find it amusing that people have an issue with grandparents or other family helping with childcare, but judging by a few other threads, most people on DCUM think it is completely appropriate for grandparents to gift their kids a downpayment for a house.

Isn't it plausible that there are some parents who don't have the money to pay for their kid's college or a downpayment for a house, but they do have time and can offer to help with childcare.

I feel like it's acceptable in this region for people to give their kids loads of money, but it is completely unacceptable for people to offer to help their kids by watching their kids' kids.

There's something wrong with that outlook.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think people are objecting to helping family - I believing helping people is a normal part of family relations. But what I object to, is a sense of entitlement from family members that expect me to help with their children if they need it (and they need it often), but they don't carry the same ethic of reciprocating.

It's one thing to believe that family helps each other out. It's another thing entirely, to think that this goes one-way. One needn't keep score - but everyone doing things for each other, once in a while, is a normal expectation. I stopped doing things for extremely needy family members, because they couldn't seem to set aside a small amount of time (a minute fraction of the time I gave to them), to help me out when I needed it.

An important part of families is to back each other up. Not just have them do stuff for you.


Usually the people I hear make the complaints you're making are people who are either (a) bad at setting boundaries (i.e. saying "no") and/or (b) people who like to play the martyr and agree to help when they can't or don't really want to.

Most of the time if you say "no" a few times or say you can't help, the people stop asking.

But as for reciprocating, you should never agree to do something and expect something in return that isn't explicitly promised.


You're misreading. Expecting a transaction of "I do something for you, so you do something for me" is strange and a bit manipulative. But all relationships are based on reciprocity. All relationships (romantic, familial, professional, etc) operate on the premise of some kind of exchange. It's not about keeping direct score, but understanding that relationships need to be maintained by respecting each others value and worth. For families and relatives, it's about being there for each other - not being there for you and your needs.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Wow, op, you sound selfish. Ever heard the phrase "it takes a village"?


PP, this is some of the most astounding lack of self awareness I've seen on DCUM.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I would add, I find it amusing that people have an issue with grandparents or other family helping with childcare, but judging by a few other threads, most people on DCUM think it is completely appropriate for grandparents to gift their kids a downpayment for a house.

Isn't it plausible that there are some parents who don't have the money to pay for their kid's college or a downpayment for a house, but they do have time and can offer to help with childcare.

I feel like it's acceptable in this region for people to give their kids loads of money, but it is completely unacceptable for people to offer to help their kids by watching their kids' kids.

There's something wrong with that outlook.


Indeed.
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