why do so many of you expect family to help

[Anonymous]

They are your kids, not mine. I never even asked, let alone expected, my parents or siblings to babysit or free childcare. My sister, 12 years older than me has a 29-yr old daughter who thinks I should help her with free childcare. What the hell is wrong woth this generation? Take cate of upur own kids!

[Anonymous]

OMG you said it so well!!

I have some SIL's who dump their kids with the grandma 24/7! This has been going on for years now! MIL doesnt have a backbone to say NO yet she complains to me about it often.


MIL is getting old now, she has taken care of her own kids...time to take care of your own!!

[Anonymous]

I agree. My SIL usd to leave her kids with my MIL all the time. So inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

Some of it is cultural, I suppose.
We live on separate continents, but if we didn't, I would absolutely expect my family to help us sometimes (not regularly).
It takes a village, and most of us in this world cannot afford babysitters all the time - so family comes in very handy when we can get it!

[Anonymous]

Because people are lazy and entitled.

[Anonymous]

Because my grandmother took care of me when I was little (more than willingly) and all my life I heard from my mom how she will retire when I have kids and she loves her job. I don't have kids yet but both my parents and in laws are already sincerely offering. my husband and I will figure out child care without counting on the grandparents and any help will be very welcome but not expected. However there is the expectation on the other end that I will take care of my parents in their old age as much as I can and be close to them (distance wise).

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is just outraged that neither her in laws nor her own parents will move to the area to help raise her kids. She thinks its incredibly selfish of them. I just have to bite my tongue when she says this and control my eye rolls. Plenty of people, me included, manage to have two working parents and no family nearby. Not saying that it's easy or wouldn't be kinda nice. But then I think of having to deal with my I laws and own parents on a regular basis and realize that I like things just they way they are!

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of it is cultural.

In my real, non DCUM life, the women I know who expect massive amounts of free childcare, cooking and some cleaning / errand running are from developing countries or are 1st generation. Or Chinese, dunno how that's classified these days.

But none of my acquaintances from New Jersey have the same expectation that mama will be the nanny and cook 30 to 45 hours every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of it is cultural.

In my real, non DCUM life, the women I know who expect massive amounts of free childcare, cooking and some cleaning / errand running are from developing countries or are 1st generation. Or Chinese, dunno how that's classified these days.

But none of my acquaintances from New Jersey have the same expectation that mama will be the nanny and cook 30 to 45 hours every week.

Of course it's cultural. If they are first generation, they also rely on their parents and in-laws to pass on cultural values and language to their children.

[Anonymous]

I expect my kids to help with younger cousins when we are at family gatherings.

My kids have the best relationship with their cousins because they were always responsible for each other. This was also true when I was younger, I watched the younger cousins and the older cousins watched me. My cousins are like siblings.

Nieces and Nephews are always welcome to come to my house if they need a babysitter (but I don't really want to go there).

Even my neighbors and I share babysitting for each other.

I am not sure what the big deal is unless they are overasking and never helped you when your kids were young.

[Anonymous]

It's how we evolved. Read Mothers and Others by Blaffer-Hrdy.

[Anonymous]

I would never expect anything.

However, for YEARS, my mother has constantly urged me to give her grandchildren and has said over and over that she would help, provide daycare.

The main reason I haven't had children up until now is because of the daycare issue (availability and expense and trust and the whole nine yards).

Of course, she keeps telling me she will help, but then when I push her on it, she kind of back pedals.

I have a suspicious that she's not the only mother to do this. And while I would never expect help and would never ask for it, it is completely unfair for a relative (knowing that you're hesitation in having children is the childcare issue) to promise to help and then back down from that when you need the help, especially if you would not have TTC if the offer of assistance was not made.

Relatives and in laws have no right to make you feel guilty for not "giving" them grand children but then not want to help at all. They should just keep quiet and let you make the decisions that work best for you, even if that means not having children because you know you can't afford childcare and can't afford to have one spouse quit working.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, OP.

The worst is when they expect you to help out all the time, but have no interest in doing anything for you. I'm perfectly happy to help people, but it's important to give back. I don't understand the entitlement of some of my relatives who expect family to always do stuff for them, but not reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

What the hell is wrong with you people? I don't "expect" help, but I am grateful that my family isn't full of miserly horrible people like all of you. We all pitch in to help each other out because we're family and we love, care about, and respect each other. I WANT to spend time with my nieces and nephews and my siblings and IL's want to spend time with mine.

People like you suck.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by "expect?" My mom offers to help, and I accept it. Why would I send my son to aftercare when she is willing to pick him up from school and stay with him for a few hours until I get home? I think it is better for him to go home and have one on one homework help, and she is willing to help make this happen for him.