why do so many of you expect family to help
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Anonymous
I agree with you on this and often feel guilty that I am not reciprocating enough with my parents and ILs who help out A LOT. However, I have two very young kids so in order to help them, I would need someone to babysit, which would usually be them. So, not really much of a help to them. But I do try to be inclusive whenever possible and invite them out to do fun things with us as opposed to always asking them to babysit only when I need/want to go out. I hope they know that once the kids get older, I will have the ability to be more helpful (and since my parents are pretty young, I know they will need more help in 10-15 years than they do now). |
Anonymous
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Wow, this is so sad.
My mother and my MIL babysit for free several times a week. My DH and I also help them -- run errands, manual labor, help with tech stuff -- whatever they need. We help each other out because we are a family. Also, the grandmas love being around their grand kids and vice versa. I am so glad they are able to build this loving relationship. BTW-- my mother and MIL both had careers before retiring. We also go on outings together and even vacation together sometimes, which I am guessing would horrify most people on this board. |
Anonymous
10:38 here and this sounds like us, too. SHOCKING - we have families that enjoy each other's company! |
Anonymous
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I'm not sure that a few of you understand what "spending time with" or "enjoy company" actually mean.
My experience may be different, but family always expects me to go in their direction, to their house, to do things for them, mostly including childcare. I'm sure those complaining about mooching relatives actually don't mind spending time with their family and their kids, but it's about making a 50/50 effort - or hell, even a 70/30 effort. How about you drop your DC off at my place so I can watch them, instead of me always to yours? Do they enjoy MY company, or do they just enjoy me doing stuff for them? Do they reciprocate? |
Anonymous
| I think there are a lot of willing grandparents out there but a) they're in over their heads and b) their adult children are too quick to take the help without solving their own childcare issues on their own first--mine are willing but I'm careful for these reasons: I believe that one reason I had such a good relationship with my grandparents was because they did not raise me. They came to visit on Sundays, played with us, took us out outings, told us stories, and then went home. We never fought. I never had ill-will toward them and I now have great memories of them and these really kind and generous people who loved us and I respected. They did not have to deal with my day to day school issues (helping with homework, driving me all over kingdomcom and later, pre-teen obnoxiousness, for example. They knew disciplining was my parents' job and they stepped back to let my parents do the job they signed up for as parents. Another reason I'm careful not to have my parents raise my kids is because, they are GETTING OLD. My father is slowing up and will probably need orthopedic surgery soon. My mother gets overwhelmed by little things that wouldn't have overwhelmed her years ago. I couldn't see siccing toddlers and little kids on these people. It would be cruel. I knew a family who did just that-- the sickly old grandma watched the two brats and they ran the woman into the ground while mom and dad worked. She couldn't handle it. There are children who a 17 year old babysitter could barely keep up with, never mind an elderly person. |
Anonymous
My MIL often wanted to babysit, but I chose to be a SAHM over the free babysitting. Then my SIL had kids and takes complete advantage of her. It's sad. When we had weddings to go to. We would drop the baby off when we were driving there, so for 6 pm wedding we would drop them off at 530 pm and pick them up at midnight. My SIL would drop hers off at 12 noon so she can get ready in peace ( where is hubby???) and then picked up them up the next day after lunch. Ended up longer than 24 hours. I want to be the one raising my own kids. What surprises me is that the one poster works all week,then drops her kids off at her parents all weekend. The problem I have with that is it is sad that she doesn't want to be with the kids more. Just because a parent offers to babysit doesn't mean you have to take advantage of every second that they are willing to watch the kids. I actually WANT my kids home with me all weekend. My MIL offers but I would miss them too much. |
Anonymous
| Kids are the parents responsibility. |
Anonymous
No shit, sherlock! Thanks for this utterly useless contribution to the conversation. |
Anonymous
Not the PP, but my my, someone's touchy! My guess is this thread struck a serious nerve... |
Anonymous
Good Lord Why are folks harping on this mom? Didn't the lady say the family was close...that the see each other over the weekend... she doesn't drops her kids off at grandparents and jet off to vegas and milan!! I am sooooo over these martyr mommies who judge every other mommy by the things they do for their family and lob the ever so helpful " I love my kids too much..." as if someone doing it differently loves their kid less. Guess what -- they do it differently because they have DIFFERENT KIDS, DIFFERENT FAMILIES, DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES...get OVER IT! |
Anonymous
Totally agree. And we like it! |
Anonymous
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Context is everything here. I don't expect or even ask for childcare from my family. They offer, and I accept their help gratefully. But here are the ground rules:
1. When you make an offer, it is a gift not a transaction: I don't owe you anything for it (unless that was part of the offer). So when you offer to babysit, we do not owe you a lengthy social visit before and after the babysitting time, or a Saturday of work in your yard, or whatever. This doesn't mean we never visit or never help you, it means we don't visit or help you because of the babysitting or in direct proportion to the number of babysitting offers. Don't act like our time or our love is for sale. If you feel taken advantage of, stop offering. 2. When you make an offer, you must follow through -- show up on time, be available for the whole time discussed, and provide the same level of care that a babysitter would. I think older relatives, in particular, imagine they want to care for grandchildren and then get overwhelmed / bored / irritated by all the not-cute things that small children do. If you prefer to only see these kids clean and well-behaved, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that -- but don't offer to babysit for a whole evening. I would always, always rather pay a babysitter than deal with a relative who is late, double-booked, inattentive or disengaged, secretly resentful, etc. If you can't follow these two rules, then I will decline your offers to help ... and then we'll have a thread about how I withhold your grandchildren from you or how I think you're not good enough to babysit. |
Anonymous
| My grandmother took care of me and my sister for years and for free. I can't even get my mother to visit her only grandchild and when I do I pay for it and she can't be bothered to babysit for more than an evening tops. I'm also bitter because she will need financial support and soon and instead of paying a nanny it would have made sense for her to get paid to be with her grandchild. She is just selfish and lazy as far as I'm concerned. |
Anonymous
Your mom and my mom should be friends. My personal favorite was when my mom and her obnoxious "boyfriend" drove 500 to MD for some bullshit thing they wanted to do and then called me last minute to ask if they could "stop by." Then they ended up staying at my house for the night. Oh, okay - so you planned a trip to within 50 miles of where your grandchild lives and it occurred to you as an AFTERTHOUGHT to "stop by?" I could have killed her. You haters should keep in mind that expectations of family help don't always come from the younger generations - they are often thrust upon the younger by the elders. So there's that. |
Anonymous
No. I live 100's of miles from my family and we take care of ourselves. I just find these judgmental platitudes to have all of the rhetorical value of baby talk, and obviously without any intellectual heft behind them. |