Problems with MIL straining my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why has this 2 year old thread been revived?

Because I was using hte search function to find counselors on this very topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you have a DH problem and that you need to establish boundaries. If your DH isn't willing to do so, you need to establish some for yourself. I had IL and a DH problem even before we were married. We spent a lot of time in counseling (my ILs were perfect in my DH's eyes) and almost didn't get married because of it. Our counselor told us something like 80% of all problems don't go away, you just learn to deal with them better. I didn't believe it at the time but 15 years into it, I can see it. I won't go into the whole lurid tale but basically I chose to disengage with my ILs. I was polite, did my duty, etc but nothing more. I didn't invite them over, I didn't buy presents/cards (that was DH's responsibility and I reminded him of birthdays/anniversaries, etc.), I didn't call or email. I did provide DH pictures to give to them but didn't do it myself. I also didn't go to their family events. I was treated like shit and since DH couldn't/wouldn't stand up, I withdrew. I have family and friends that love me and I didn't need them. It worked out beautifully for me! DH was uncomfortable with it becuase people asked where I was but that was his problem, not mind. After we had kids, things changed a lot. His family got a lot nicer and I slowly engaged them but still have very healthy boundaries.

What it took me (and them) a long time to learn was that people have this idea in their heads about what their relationship will be with their ILs. Those ideas can be radically different.

This is what I do with my in laws now too. I will be polite when I see them but I will not go out of my way to send pics, etc. I am working on not wanting to send DH pics of our child b/c even after all she's done (the most recent being disinviting us from Mother's Day brunch and him saying he's done with her), he still sends her pictures. I try to look at it like he just wants his mother's love, and that is normal, despite the fact she rarely says anything nice back. Like one time he sent her a picture and she texted back, "I wish I had gotten to know DC." DC is 2 and very much alive.

Basically, I called her out on her attention seeking BS within the first year of our marriage, and she's hated me since. The rest of the family kowtowed to her for years and some still do. I'm lucky in that DH realizes that she is not a healthy person to be around and we don't have to engage with her often. I do wonder sometimes if eventually DH will resent me for this.

Good luck OP. Just stay true to yourself and what you think is best for your DC.

I haven't called out my MIL to her face, but I've discussed my concerns about this with DH. He and the family jump as high as she commands, and I am now the odd one out since I am the only one who sees anything odd or dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you have a DH problem and that you need to establish boundaries. If your DH isn't willing to do so, you need to establish some for yourself. I had IL and a DH problem even before we were married. We spent a lot of time in counseling (my ILs were perfect in my DH's eyes) and almost didn't get married because of it. Our counselor told us something like 80% of all problems don't go away, you just learn to deal with them better. I didn't believe it at the time but 15 years into it, I can see it. I won't go into the whole lurid tale but basically I chose to disengage with my ILs. I was polite, did my duty, etc but nothing more. I didn't invite them over, I didn't buy presents/cards (that was DH's responsibility and I reminded him of birthdays/anniversaries, etc.), I didn't call or email. I did provide DH pictures to give to them but didn't do it myself. I also didn't go to their family events. I was treated like shit and since DH couldn't/wouldn't stand up, I withdrew. I have family and friends that love me and I didn't need them. It worked out beautifully for me! DH was uncomfortable with it becuase people asked where I was but that was his problem, not mind. After we had kids, things changed a lot. His family got a lot nicer and I slowly engaged them but still have very healthy boundaries.

What it took me (and them) a long time to learn was that people have this idea in their heads about what their relationship will be with their ILs. Those ideas can be radically different.

This is what I do with my in laws now too. I will be polite when I see them but I will not go out of my way to send pics, etc. I am working on not wanting to send DH pics of our child b/c even after all she's done (the most recent being disinviting us from Mother's Day brunch and him saying he's done with her), he still sends her pictures. I try to look at it like he just wants his mother's love, and that is normal, despite the fact she rarely says anything nice back. Like one time he sent her a picture and she texted back, "I wish I had gotten to know DC." DC is 2 and very much alive.

Basically, I called her out on her attention seeking BS within the first year of our marriage, and she's hated me since. The rest of the family kowtowed to her for years and some still do. I'm lucky in that DH realizes that she is not a healthy person to be around and we don't have to engage with her often. I do wonder sometimes if eventually DH will resent me for this.

Good luck OP. Just stay true to yourself and what you think is best for your DC.

I haven't called out my MIL to her face, but I've discussed my concerns about this with DH. He and the family jump as high as she commands, and I am now the odd one out since I am the only one who sees anything odd or dysfunctional.

PP that you bolded above here. It's hard b/c they've grown up with it. DH's siblings are all realizing how unhealthy it's been (you should see how she treats FIL. She doesn't even let him live with her. He just takes it). One of the siblings is in therapy for it and has similar issues with being in relationships that my DH has. I'm pretty sure MIL has borderline personality disorder. She creates a swirl of drama to get attention so that everyone can see just HOW HARD her life is.

[Anonymous]

Question for the wives, do you feel as though your DH is on your side? Has your back?

I don't feel this way and I almost don't feel safe around my mil. My husband thinks it's between me and her and we need to figure out how to be around each other.

So frustrating, since I can tell that it's putting a strain on our marriage, but my DH doesn't see it as his problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. These are some examples:

-Invited her sister to stay in our house while we were out of town without asking me. Then proceeded to spruce up the place to make it suitable for her sister. She bought a lamp. Put up temporary shades. Previously she would make comments about the lack of window treatments in the guest room/bathroom.

-Left her unruly un-neutered male dog with us repeatedly to go on vacation. For weeks at the time without asking me. He has destroyed two doors in our house. Ran away. Tries to attack our friends. The list goes on. Most recently she left the dog when I was nine months pregnant. I only found out about the plan when she mentioned it in a speaker phone call.

-Says things to my husband like "we need to figure out the holidays." They then proceeded to plan a trip to Colorado for Christmas without asking me, which forced me not to spend any part of the holidays with my family. I am an only child. We even flew to Colorado on my grandfather's 80th birthday, so I had to miss his party. I didn't know about the plan until she dropped the bomb on a speaker phone call. Then in Colorado, she planned activities that forced me to drag a five-month-old out in single digit/negative degree weather. Then made comments about my bundling him up. I had no say in the activities for my baby's first Christmas at all.

-Thanksgiving we spent with both families at a centrally located rental. The plan (or so I thought) was for MIL, my mother, and me to split up dinner preparations at the house. Instead, she rolled in with a whole Thanksgiving dinner that she prepared at home in coolers.

-Same Thanksgiving she physically removed the baby from my mother when my mother was putting him down for a nap. MIL swept him off to her room and rocked him for an hour.

-Blowups have been first in Colorado when she exposed the baby to lead by putting up Christmas lights that bore a lead warning on the box. When I said something to her, my husband sided with her and the ILs made a big display of leaving.

-I tried to apologize to her for the misunderstanding about the lead. I flew to see her. Instead of talking to me rationally, she told me all the things she didn't like about me. Including that I was rude because I didn't cook for them when they visited (even though I was working 50 hours per week, they would visit at the worst possible times, and give me no notice). My personal favorite was telling me that I was rude because I didn't participate in previous Christmas Eve dinner because I was pregnant and naseous. Also, said that she had to do things in our house (see bullet 1) because I "never lift a finger to do anything." Also said I bought her nice gifts to show off and get attention.

-At Easter, I hosted and cooked and tried to correct for all of her complaints about my domesticity. Then she claimed to my husband that I was rude and excluding her by not letting her help. Why would I after what she said about me?

-Today I saw a text from her telling my husband that all she wanted for Mother's Day was a picture of him and my son. Clear implication that she didn't want a family picture with me in it. No pictures of me on her Facebook either. I was livid, so I called her up and let her have it.

No hope. Divorce now while there is still time and be more careful about MIL next time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for the wives, do you feel as though your DH is on your side? Has your back?

I don't feel this way and I almost don't feel safe around my mil. My husband thinks it's between me and her and we need to figure out how to be around each other.

So frustrating, since I can tell that it's putting a strain on our marriage, but my DH doesn't see it as his problem.

Exactly. DH sees it as MY problem because I simply don't like his mom. There is nothing wrong with her and nothing is wrong with or should be changed with how he and the family respond to her. It's all me. Desparate for counseling...

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks OP is off base here? IMHO, she is coming off as high maintenance and with an attitude.

Anonymous wrote:

-Invited her sister to stay in our house while we were out of town without asking me. Then proceeded to spruce up the place to make it suitable for her sister. She bought a lamp. Put up temporary shades. Previously she would make comments about the lack of window treatments in the guest room/bathroom.

You are upset because she bought a lamp and put up window treatments? SO what. Take them down after she leaves.

-Left her unruly un-neutered male dog with us repeatedly to go on vacation. For weeks at the time without asking me. He has destroyed two doors in our house. Ran away. Tries to attack our friends. The list goes on. Most recently she left the dog when I was nine months pregnant. I only found out about the plan when she mentioned it in a speaker phone call.

This is a husband issue - you and your husband need to get on the same page on this one.

-Says things to my husband like "we need to figure out the holidays." They then proceeded to plan a trip to Colorado for Christmas without asking me, which forced me not to spend any part of the holidays with my family. I am an only child. We even flew to Colorado on my grandfather's 80th birthday, so I had to miss his party. I didn't know about the plan until she dropped the bomb on a speaker phone call. Then in Colorado, she planned activities that forced me to drag a five-month-old out in single digit/negative degree weather. Then made comments about my bundling him up. I had no say in the activities for my baby's first Christmas at all.

First, you have the option of discussing this with your husband and deciding if you want to go (as a family). You always have the option of saying no. You also had the option of flying out a day or two later so you could attend the party. Again, a husband issue- you need to get on the same page and work together as a team.

-Thanksgiving we spent with both families at a centrally located rental. The plan (or so I thought) was for MIL, my mother, and me to split up dinner preparations at the house. Instead, she rolled in with a whole Thanksgiving dinner that she prepared at home in coolers.

You are upset that she brought dinner? Really? She may have actually thought it would be easier to prepare everything ahead of time. Shame on her.

-Same Thanksgiving she physically removed the baby from my mother when my mother was putting him down for a nap. MIL swept him off to her room and rocked him for an hour.

My MIL has done this (and my mom wasn't putting the baby down). I chalked it up to her being excited. What is so wrong with your MIL going into a room (presumably for some quiet) so she can sit with her sleeping grandchild? You mentioned your mother was putting him down.

-Blowups have been first in Colorado when she exposed the baby to lead by putting up Christmas lights that bore a lead warning on the box. When I said something to her, my husband sided with her and the ILs made a big display of leaving.

You blew up because lead lights were put on a Christmas tree? The baby is 5 months old - not even crawling. This sounds like a major overreaction. Just nicely mention in the future when the baby is crawling and/or walking that you need to be careful of the lead content.

-I tried to apologize to her for the misunderstanding about the lead. I flew to see her. Instead of talking to me rationally, she told me all the things she didn't like about me. Including that I was rude because I didn't cook for them when they visited (even though I was working 50 hours per week, they would visit at the worst possible times, and give me no notice). My personal favorite was telling me that I was rude because I didn't participate in previous Christmas Eve dinner because I was pregnant and naseous. Also, said that she had to do things in our house (see bullet 1) because I "never lift a finger to do anything." Also said I bought her nice gifts to show off and get attention.

Keep in mind, she may be upset about how you handled things. These sound like she is lashing out. I am not excusing her- these are dreadful things, but now you know that you need to set expectations. When she plans on visiting, YOUR husband needs to let her know, based on the timeframes, that cooking dinner every night is not feasible.

-At Easter, I hosted and cooked and tried to correct for all of her complaints about my domesticity. Then she claimed to my husband that I was rude and excluding her by not letting her help. Why would I after what she said about me?

Because you are an adult and not petty.

-Today I saw a text from her telling my husband that all she wanted for Mother's Day was a picture of him and my son. Clear implication that she didn't want a family picture with me in it. No pictures of me on her Facebook either. I was livid, so I called her up and let her have it.

Sigh. Sometimes a mother just wants a picture of her son and grandson. My MIL has asked for this and did not have other motives.

Your MIL is not the easiest or best MIL - but I think you have made the problem worse. Sometimes you need to be the bigger person and go with the flow. I can kind of see why your husband is faulting you in some of these situations - but on others- I think he really needs to get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for the wives, do you feel as though your DH is on your side? Has your back?

I don't feel this way and I almost don't feel safe around my mil. My husband thinks it's between me and her and we need to figure out how to be around each other.

So frustrating, since I can tell that it's putting a strain on our marriage, but my DH doesn't see it as his problem.

NP here. OP, you need to be the bad guy (since she is making you out to be one, anyway - you have nothing to lose!) and speak up for yourself. I have learned not to depend on DH, as MIL is old and no one wants to speak up to her, even though they should have decades (centuries??) ago. Yeah, this woman is old.

You can't let her push your buttons like this, part of this is how you react to her. In my case, I am sure to email my MIL if I have a request. Basically, most things she does annoys me - we are oil and water. So, I pick the most important issue and (instead of calling her on it, like I really want to) - I make suggestions for alternative behavior. Make it sound like it is too logical for her to refuse; as if she will be the bad guy (that she really is) by saying no. By emailing, you have physical proof (for your own peace of mind, if nothing else) that you addressed the situation nicely, and she was still an a-hole. Also, choose your battles. Do not make the emails incessant, make them occasional.

Also, as far as vacations and holidays (two of my MILs favorite things to f*ck with) - make your plans for your family, ASAP in the season, then TELL her "this is what we are doing" and whether or not she is welcome to join you at (given time). This way, she has no control over any of your major events/times of year. My MIL's favorite time to act up is weddings and funerals - pretty much anything. So I know how to go around/above her by now. For example, if the ILs go on vacation, it is not who I care to spend my limited time off, so DH goes without me. Sometimes the children want to join him, sometimes not. As the children get older, they paint their own picture, trust me. You need to create boundaries. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks OP is off base here? IMHO, she is coming off as high maintenance and with an attitude.

Anonymous wrote:

-Invited her sister to stay in our house while we were out of town without asking me. Then proceeded to spruce up the place to make it suitable for her sister. She bought a lamp. Put up temporary shades. Previously she would make comments about the lack of window treatments in the guest room/bathroom.

You are upset because she bought a lamp and put up window treatments? SO what. Take them down after she leaves.

-Left her unruly un-neutered male dog with us repeatedly to go on vacation. For weeks at the time without asking me. He has destroyed two doors in our house. Ran away. Tries to attack our friends. The list goes on. Most recently she left the dog when I was nine months pregnant. I only found out about the plan when she mentioned it in a speaker phone call.

This is a husband issue - you and your husband need to get on the same page on this one.

-Says things to my husband like "we need to figure out the holidays." They then proceeded to plan a trip to Colorado for Christmas without asking me, which forced me not to spend any part of the holidays with my family. I am an only child. We even flew to Colorado on my grandfather's 80th birthday, so I had to miss his party. I didn't know about the plan until she dropped the bomb on a speaker phone call. Then in Colorado, she planned activities that forced me to drag a five-month-old out in single digit/negative degree weather. Then made comments about my bundling him up. I had no say in the activities for my baby's first Christmas at all.

First, you have the option of discussing this with your husband and deciding if you want to go (as a family). You always have the option of saying no. You also had the option of flying out a day or two later so you could attend the party. Again, a husband issue- you need to get on the same page and work together as a team.

-Thanksgiving we spent with both families at a centrally located rental. The plan (or so I thought) was for MIL, my mother, and me to split up dinner preparations at the house. Instead, she rolled in with a whole Thanksgiving dinner that she prepared at home in coolers.

You are upset that she brought dinner? Really? She may have actually thought it would be easier to prepare everything ahead of time. Shame on her.

-Same Thanksgiving she physically removed the baby from my mother when my mother was putting him down for a nap. MIL swept him off to her room and rocked him for an hour.

My MIL has done this (and my mom wasn't putting the baby down). I chalked it up to her being excited. What is so wrong with your MIL going into a room (presumably for some quiet) so she can sit with her sleeping grandchild? You mentioned your mother was putting him down.

-Blowups have been first in Colorado when she exposed the baby to lead by putting up Christmas lights that bore a lead warning on the box. When I said something to her, my husband sided with her and the ILs made a big display of leaving.

You blew up because lead lights were put on a Christmas tree? The baby is 5 months old - not even crawling. This sounds like a major overreaction. Just nicely mention in the future when the baby is crawling and/or walking that you need to be careful of the lead content.

-I tried to apologize to her for the misunderstanding about the lead. I flew to see her. Instead of talking to me rationally, she told me all the things she didn't like about me. Including that I was rude because I didn't cook for them when they visited (even though I was working 50 hours per week, they would visit at the worst possible times, and give me no notice). My personal favorite was telling me that I was rude because I didn't participate in previous Christmas Eve dinner because I was pregnant and naseous. Also, said that she had to do things in our house (see bullet 1) because I "never lift a finger to do anything." Also said I bought her nice gifts to show off and get attention.

Keep in mind, she may be upset about how you handled things. These sound like she is lashing out. I am not excusing her- these are dreadful things, but now you know that you need to set expectations. When she plans on visiting, YOUR husband needs to let her know, based on the timeframes, that cooking dinner every night is not feasible.

-At Easter, I hosted and cooked and tried to correct for all of her complaints about my domesticity. Then she claimed to my husband that I was rude and excluding her by not letting her help. Why would I after what she said about me?

Because you are an adult and not petty.

-Today I saw a text from her telling my husband that all she wanted for Mother's Day was a picture of him and my son. Clear implication that she didn't want a family picture with me in it. No pictures of me on her Facebook either. I was livid, so I called her up and let her have it.

Sigh. Sometimes a mother just wants a picture of her son and grandson. My MIL has asked for this and did not have other motives.

Your MIL is not the easiest or best MIL - but I think you have made the problem worse. Sometimes you need to be the bigger person and go with the flow. I can kind of see why your husband is faulting you in some of these situations - but on others- I think he really needs to get on the same page.




NP here- I think all adults should be held to this standard then. I find often that I, as the wife, am expected to be the bigger person and go along with things. My MIL is never asked or expected to be the bigger person, or to even meet me in the middle somewhere. It is always that I am expected to relent and give in to her needs, demands, schedule, etc.

[Anonymous]

11:48 - (too long to paste) - ITA with you. It should NOT be a double standard. Besides, your (and most) MILs are depending on deference, when it is not always practical for your family (with DH). I'd rather walk hot coals before I cowtow to MIL and her ridiculousness. Point is, at least my MIL knows this about me.

You really can not be nice to some people. So don't. Be firm, be matter of fact - but you don't have to be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. These are some examples:

-Invited her sister to stay in our house while we were out of town without asking me. Then proceeded to spruce up the place to make it suitable for her sister. She bought a lamp. Put up temporary shades. Previously she would make comments about the lack of window treatments in the guest room/bathroom.

Did your DH tell her that that was fine, and give his aunt a key to your house? If so, this is 100% a DH problem. If not, and she has a key, change the locks. I am 100% serious. I would never allow someone to have a key to my home if they decided they or someone else could enter it without telling me, much less invite someone else to stay.

The stuff that she "spruced up" I'd simply take down and return to her, saying, "Here are some of your things that you left at my house. Next time, please ask me before you come to visit."

Anonymous wrote:Left her unruly un-neutered male dog with us repeatedly to go on vacation. For weeks at the time without asking me. He has destroyed two doors in our house. Ran away. Tries to attack our friends. The list goes on. Most recently she left the dog when I was nine months pregnant. I only found out about the plan when she mentioned it in a speaker phone call.

Again, I have to assume your DH told her this was okay? I mean, she didn't just open up the house while you were gone and deposit the dog, did she? If not, this is 100% a DH problem - he is agreeing to things in your home without your consent. This is not acceptable.

If she did not obtain permission from your DH before leaving, I would take the dog to a kennel on Day 1, period. If the dog is unsafe around your friends and is destroying your property, it certainly can't be in the house with a child. Dog goes straight to kennel if she drops it off without permission. I wonder, though -- if she announced it on a conference call beforehand, why didn't you simply say, "No, Gladys, that will not work for me. You will need to look into where you can have him boarded; I will not have the dog in my house again."

Anonymous wrote:Says things to my husband like "we need to figure out the holidays." They then proceeded to plan a trip to Colorado for Christmas without asking me, which forced me not to spend any part of the holidays with my family. I am an only child. We even flew to Colorado on my grandfather's 80th birthday, so I had to miss his party. I didn't know about the plan until she dropped the bomb on a speaker phone call. Then in Colorado, she planned activities that forced me to drag a five-month-old out in single digit/negative degree weather. Then made comments about my bundling him up. I had no say in the activities for my baby's first Christmas at all.

Look, your MIL is clearly an asshole who wants her son and grandchild to herself and would prefer it if you did not exist. That you cannot change. So she will always say things to your husband like, "We need to figure out the holidays." Always. You can ignore that completely. The problem is your husband. 100% your husband. If my MIL told my DH, "We need to figure out the holidays", he would say, "My wife and I will talk about it and get back to you to let me know what we're planning. Do you have any thoughts about what you'd like the holidays to look like that we can take into consideration when we talk?"

So that part is 100% your husband's fault/issue. But the rest of this complaint is 100% you, not your MIL. We've established that she's a pushy, selfish asshole. But it seems to me that you are not asserting yourself at all. She cannot bully you into doing the activities you mention. If she said that she had plans on your grandfather's birthday, you simply say, "That won't work for me. It's my grandfather's 80th birthday and I will not miss it for this flight. DH can fly in a day early if he insists, but my child and I are staying here to attend this family function." Regarding Christmas activities that required you to take your baby out into the frigid weather, the proper response is, "No, Gladys, it is far too cold to take the baby outside. You go and have a nice time, and if DH wants to go, that's fine. I will not take my baby out in this weather."

Regarding having no say in your baby's first Christmas, though, this is on you. You have to tell your husband what you want, not just let his mother plan what you want. He can't force you to fly to Colorado with your baby. He simply can't. And yes, his horrid mother will say terrible things about you. She always will, no matter what. You can be the most perfect DIL in the world and she will always find a reason to criticize you. Give up trying to get her to stop saying horrid things about you -- accept that she will no matter what, and focus on getting what you need for yourself and your child.

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving we spent with both families at a centrally located rental. The plan (or so I thought) was for MIL, my mother, and me to split up dinner preparations at the house. Instead, she rolled in with a whole Thanksgiving dinner that she prepared at home in coolers.

"Or so I thought" is the key phrase here. You assume that your MIL is a rational, functional being. She is competing with you and will never function rationally. Let that expectation go. Next time, be clear to her about what you and your mom will be doing. She will probably bring the whole dinner in a cooler anyway. If she does, simply proceed as if she hadn't. "Mom and I will be preparing our turkey in the morning."

Anonymous wrote:Same Thanksgiving she physically removed the baby from my mother when my mother was putting him down for a nap. MIL swept him off to her room and rocked him for an hour.

So, she actually physically wrestled the baby out of your mom's hands? Did you call her on that immediately? Was your husband in the room? If any adult physically tried to remove my child from another person, I would kick them out of my house. Your husband thinks this is ok?

If it wasn't that dramatic, I'm assuming your mom is as passive as you are about this stuff, and just let her take the baby away from her. If so, she needs to be assertive as a grandmother, too. "EXCUSE ME, GLADYS. I am holding the baby. Take your hands off the baby."

Your MIL will always compete with you and your mom for time with her grandchild. And, in fairness, I think it's reasonable to allow her a little alone time with her grandchild. But not snatching the child away.

Anonymous wrote:Blowups have been first in Colorado when she exposed the baby to lead by putting up Christmas lights that bore a lead warning on the box. When I said something to her, my husband sided with her and the ILs made a big display of leaving.

-I tried to apologize to her for the misunderstanding about the lead. I flew to see her. Instead of talking to me rationally, she told me all the things she didn't like about me. Including that I was rude because I didn't cook for them when they visited (even though I was working 50 hours per week, they would visit at the worst possible times, and give me no notice). My personal favorite was telling me that I was rude because I didn't participate in previous Christmas Eve dinner because I was pregnant and naseous. Also, said that she had to do things in our house (see bullet 1) because I "never lift a finger to do anything." Also said I bought her nice gifts to show off and get attention.

Hm. I can't imagine what kind of lead on Christmas lights could hurt an infant (lead poisoning is generally from ingestion, no?) but it also seems like a huge overreaction on her part to storm off and on your part to have flown out to apologize to her.

Regarding her rants about your failings, I think you can just be blunt with her. "Gladys, it is clear that you do not like me and that nothing I do will ever please you. I have accepted that and I will not be trying to earn your approval any longer. I am not interested in hearing any criticism from you. If you would like to be welcome in my home, you will treat me with decency and respect, which I would expect of any guest. If you cannot be civil or you cannot refrain from negative comments in front of my child, you will not be welcome in my home and we will not be visiting you in yours."

Anonymous wrote:At Easter, I hosted and cooked and tried to correct for all of her complaints about my domesticity. Then she claimed to my husband that I was rude and excluding her by not letting her help. Why would I after what she said about me?

You have to just stop trying to please her. She will ALWAYS complain to your husband about you, always. It doesn't matter what you do. If you asked her to help, she'd call you lazy. If you don't ask her to help, she says you're excluding her. You will NEVER PLEASE HER. NEVER. She wants her son to herself. So please just let go and try to tune out the noise. If your husband accuses you of treating her poorly, simply say that you are polite to her and that is all that you will be. Just let go. You cannot please her. Make a nice dinner for you, your child, your husband, and your guest, knowing that your guest will not like it (or will find some fault with it). That's the best you'll get. If she makes comments at the table, repeat again, " If you cannot be civil or you cannot refrain from negative comments in front of my child, you will not be welcome in my home and we will not be visiting you in yours.

Anonymous wrote:Today I saw a text from her telling my husband that all she wanted for Mother's Day was a picture of him and my son. Clear implication that she didn't want a family picture with me in it. No pictures of me on her Facebook either. I was livid, so I called her up and let her have it.

See, this is the thing, OP. Your MIL is a jerk and she doesn't like you. Consider it a compliment. There is nothing to be livid about here. It is totally understandable that she doesn't want a picture of you. She loves her son. She loves her grandchild. She doesn't like you. And it's actually kind of a reasonable thing for her to want, a picture of her son and grandchild without anyone else in it. This kind of stuff you just have to let go. No good will come of mentioning it.

She's not going to put up FB photos of you because she wants to pretend you don't exist. Seriously, do yourself the great favor of defriending her on Facebook...or, if that would be too confrontational, hide her posts from your feed. She's a jerk. Why remind yourself of her rejection of you? Just ignore her as much as you can.

I'm not sure if you can ever save your marriage to DH - he sounds weak. Really weak. But you can save yourself from your MIL. Draw boundaries.

Spot on. Fantastic post. OP- get yourself back in therapy. Not to figure out a way to make you relationship with her function. It won't. Figure out how to stop caring. Sounds like you are a people pleaser. Most women are. You have to break yourself of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks OP is off base here? IMHO, she is coming off as high maintenance and with an attitude.

Anonymous wrote:

-Invited her sister to stay in our house while we were out of town without asking me. Then proceeded to spruce up the place to make it suitable for her sister. She bought a lamp. Put up temporary shades. Previously she would make comments about the lack of window treatments in the guest room/bathroom.

You are upset because she bought a lamp and put up window treatments? SO what. Take them down after she leaves.

-Left her unruly un-neutered male dog with us repeatedly to go on vacation. For weeks at the time without asking me. He has destroyed two doors in our house. Ran away. Tries to attack our friends. The list goes on. Most recently she left the dog when I was nine months pregnant. I only found out about the plan when she mentioned it in a speaker phone call.

This is a husband issue - you and your husband need to get on the same page on this one.

-Says things to my husband like "we need to figure out the holidays." They then proceeded to plan a trip to Colorado for Christmas without asking me, which forced me not to spend any part of the holidays with my family. I am an only child. We even flew to Colorado on my grandfather's 80th birthday, so I had to miss his party. I didn't know about the plan until she dropped the bomb on a speaker phone call. Then in Colorado, she planned activities that forced me to drag a five-month-old out in single digit/negative degree weather. Then made comments about my bundling him up. I had no say in the activities for my baby's first Christmas at all.

First, you have the option of discussing this with your husband and deciding if you want to go (as a family). You always have the option of saying no. You also had the option of flying out a day or two later so you could attend the party. Again, a husband issue- you need to get on the same page and work together as a team.

-Thanksgiving we spent with both families at a centrally located rental. The plan (or so I thought) was for MIL, my mother, and me to split up dinner preparations at the house. Instead, she rolled in with a whole Thanksgiving dinner that she prepared at home in coolers.

You are upset that she brought dinner? Really? She may have actually thought it would be easier to prepare everything ahead of time. Shame on her.

-Same Thanksgiving she physically removed the baby from my mother when my mother was putting him down for a nap. MIL swept him off to her room and rocked him for an hour.

My MIL has done this (and my mom wasn't putting the baby down). I chalked it up to her being excited. What is so wrong with your MIL going into a room (presumably for some quiet) so she can sit with her sleeping grandchild? You mentioned your mother was putting him down.

-Blowups have been first in Colorado when she exposed the baby to lead by putting up Christmas lights that bore a lead warning on the box. When I said something to her, my husband sided with her and the ILs made a big display of leaving.

You blew up because lead lights were put on a Christmas tree? The baby is 5 months old - not even crawling. This sounds like a major overreaction. Just nicely mention in the future when the baby is crawling and/or walking that you need to be careful of the lead content.

-I tried to apologize to her for the misunderstanding about the lead. I flew to see her. Instead of talking to me rationally, she told me all the things she didn't like about me. Including that I was rude because I didn't cook for them when they visited (even though I was working 50 hours per week, they would visit at the worst possible times, and give me no notice). My personal favorite was telling me that I was rude because I didn't participate in previous Christmas Eve dinner because I was pregnant and naseous. Also, said that she had to do things in our house (see bullet 1) because I "never lift a finger to do anything." Also said I bought her nice gifts to show off and get attention.

Keep in mind, she may be upset about how you handled things. These sound like she is lashing out. I am not excusing her- these are dreadful things, but now you know that you need to set expectations. When she plans on visiting, YOUR husband needs to let her know, based on the timeframes, that cooking dinner every night is not feasible.

-At Easter, I hosted and cooked and tried to correct for all of her complaints about my domesticity. Then she claimed to my husband that I was rude and excluding her by not letting her help. Why would I after what she said about me?

Because you are an adult and not petty.

-Today I saw a text from her telling my husband that all she wanted for Mother's Day was a picture of him and my son. Clear implication that she didn't want a family picture with me in it. No pictures of me on her Facebook either. I was livid, so I called her up and let her have it.

Sigh. Sometimes a mother just wants a picture of her son and grandson. My MIL has asked for this and did not have other motives.

Your MIL is not the easiest or best MIL - but I think you have made the problem worse. Sometimes you need to be the bigger person and go with the flow. I can kind of see why your husband is faulting you in some of these situations - but on others- I think he really needs to get on the same page.





Yes - you are the only who thinks that. You are dumb.

[Anonymous]

PP here. ITA with the "people pleaser"/MIL doesn't like you post (again, too long to copy).

I most agree with the fact that you should definitely consider it a compliment. You would never pick someone like Mil for a friend, right? Your personality is opposite your MIL, right? It is indeed a compliment that your DH *deliberately chose* someone opposite his mother for a wife!

The fact that MIL does not like you means absolutely nothing, as you shouldn't like her, either.

[Anonymous]

From someone who has btdt, the issue here is not the mil. The issue is op and her husband. OP, because she needs to set healthy boundaries--and that includes realizing that not everything needs to be a battle. Her DH, because he does not have his priorities straight in placing his DW first in his life. The sooner those two issues are resolved, the sooner the issues with mil go away, or are at least severely mitigated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From someone who has btdt, the issue here is not the mil. The issue is op and her husband. OP, because she needs to set healthy boundaries--and that includes realizing that not everything needs to be a battle. Her DH, because he does not have his priorities straight in placing his DW first in his life. The sooner those two issues are resolved, the sooner the issues with mil go away, or are at least severely mitigated.

agree with this. the tough part is that many husbands do not realize that a healthy boundary = placing dw first in his life