Problems with MIL straining my marriage

[Anonymous]

I have had three major blowups with my MIL, and I don't know where to go from here. She has done incredibly rude and offensive things over the years and has no boundaries. But she always plays the victim and makes me look like the bad guy. My husband thinks she can do no wrong and blames me for the conflict with her. No matter what she does he says she didn't mean it/I misinterpreted it or that she was justified because of something I did. I am very hurt that he never picks me. I don't want her to ruin my marriage. I don't want to bow down to her either. I feel like a broken record saying that she needs to respect me as his wife/mother of her grandchild and trying to explain to my husband why something she did was awful.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize. Can you give an example of something she did that was out of line but your DH sided with her? Maybe folks here can help with suggestions on reaching your DH.

What kinds of boundaries can you draw with her? Can you severely limit your exposure to MIL?

[Anonymous]

OP, here. These are some examples:

-Invited her sister to stay in our house while we were out of town without asking me. Then proceeded to spruce up the place to make it suitable for her sister. She bought a lamp. Put up temporary shades. Previously she would make comments about the lack of window treatments in the guest room/bathroom.

-Left her unruly un-neutered male dog with us repeatedly to go on vacation. For weeks at the time without asking me. He has destroyed two doors in our house. Ran away. Tries to attack our friends. The list goes on. Most recently she left the dog when I was nine months pregnant. I only found out about the plan when she mentioned it in a speaker phone call.

-Says things to my husband like "we need to figure out the holidays." They then proceeded to plan a trip to Colorado for Christmas without asking me, which forced me not to spend any part of the holidays with my family. I am an only child. We even flew to Colorado on my grandfather's 80th birthday, so I had to miss his party. I didn't know about the plan until she dropped the bomb on a speaker phone call. Then in Colorado, she planned activities that forced me to drag a five-month-old out in single digit/negative degree weather. Then made comments about my bundling him up. I had no say in the activities for my baby's first Christmas at all.

-Thanksgiving we spent with both families at a centrally located rental. The plan (or so I thought) was for MIL, my mother, and me to split up dinner preparations at the house. Instead, she rolled in with a whole Thanksgiving dinner that she prepared at home in coolers.

-Same Thanksgiving she physically removed the baby from my mother when my mother was putting him down for a nap. MIL swept him off to her room and rocked him for an hour.

-Blowups have been first in Colorado when she exposed the baby to lead by putting up Christmas lights that bore a lead warning on the box. When I said something to her, my husband sided with her and the ILs made a big display of leaving.

-I tried to apologize to her for the misunderstanding about the lead. I flew to see her. Instead of talking to me rationally, she told me all the things she didn't like about me. Including that I was rude because I didn't cook for them when they visited (even though I was working 50 hours per week, they would visit at the worst possible times, and give me no notice). My personal favorite was telling me that I was rude because I didn't participate in previous Christmas Eve dinner because I was pregnant and naseous. Also, said that she had to do things in our house (see bullet 1) because I "never lift a finger to do anything." Also said I bought her nice gifts to show off and get attention.

-At Easter, I hosted and cooked and tried to correct for all of her complaints about my domesticity. Then she claimed to my husband that I was rude and excluding her by not letting her help. Why would I after what she said about me?

-Today I saw a text from her telling my husband that all she wanted for Mother's Day was a picture of him and my son. Clear implication that she didn't want a family picture with me in it. No pictures of me on her Facebook either. I was livid, so I called her up and let her have it.

[Anonymous]

Wow, she sounds like a major bitch. I would tell your DH you both need marriage counseling bc of iL conflicts bc it's ruining your marriage.

[Anonymous]

I have. He refuses. Thinks there is a problem if we can't fix our own problems. I have even tried to go a few times on my own to get strategies for dealing with her. But she keeps pushing my buttons until she gets a reaction.

[Anonymous]

DH and I went into counseling a year after marriage bc of my MIL. I really think it helped save my marriage. DH never recognized that he took MIL side over mine all the time and it took a toll. We did not even have kids yet so I knew it would get worse and I resented him.

I think you should try counseling bc your DH does not get it and maybe he needs a third party to help him recognize.

So sorry OP!

[Anonymous]

My MIL is an alcoholic. DH's family has tolerated this for a long time. I was the first one to put my foot down and say to my husband that a drunk grandmother would never be allowed alone with my kids. His family toxicity almost ended us but then DH realized I wanted a healthy family to raise our kids in and not the messed up kind he was used to. So now we have much less interaction with his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. These are some examples:

-Invited her sister to stay in our house while we were out of town without asking me. Then proceeded to spruce up the place to make it suitable for her sister. She bought a lamp. Put up temporary shades. Previously she would make comments about the lack of window treatments in the guest room/bathroom.

Did your DH tell her that that was fine, and give his aunt a key to your house? If so, this is 100% a DH problem. If not, and she has a key, change the locks. I am 100% serious. I would never allow someone to have a key to my home if they decided they or someone else could enter it without telling me, much less invite someone else to stay.

The stuff that she "spruced up" I'd simply take down and return to her, saying, "Here are some of your things that you left at my house. Next time, please ask me before you come to visit."

Anonymous wrote:Left her unruly un-neutered male dog with us repeatedly to go on vacation. For weeks at the time without asking me. He has destroyed two doors in our house. Ran away. Tries to attack our friends. The list goes on. Most recently she left the dog when I was nine months pregnant. I only found out about the plan when she mentioned it in a speaker phone call.

Again, I have to assume your DH told her this was okay? I mean, she didn't just open up the house while you were gone and deposit the dog, did she? If not, this is 100% a DH problem - he is agreeing to things in your home without your consent. This is not acceptable.

If she did not obtain permission from your DH before leaving, I would take the dog to a kennel on Day 1, period. If the dog is unsafe around your friends and is destroying your property, it certainly can't be in the house with a child. Dog goes straight to kennel if she drops it off without permission. I wonder, though -- if she announced it on a conference call beforehand, why didn't you simply say, "No, Gladys, that will not work for me. You will need to look into where you can have him boarded; I will not have the dog in my house again."

Anonymous wrote:Says things to my husband like "we need to figure out the holidays." They then proceeded to plan a trip to Colorado for Christmas without asking me, which forced me not to spend any part of the holidays with my family. I am an only child. We even flew to Colorado on my grandfather's 80th birthday, so I had to miss his party. I didn't know about the plan until she dropped the bomb on a speaker phone call. Then in Colorado, she planned activities that forced me to drag a five-month-old out in single digit/negative degree weather. Then made comments about my bundling him up. I had no say in the activities for my baby's first Christmas at all.

Look, your MIL is clearly an asshole who wants her son and grandchild to herself and would prefer it if you did not exist. That you cannot change. So she will always say things to your husband like, "We need to figure out the holidays." Always. You can ignore that completely. The problem is your husband. 100% your husband. If my MIL told my DH, "We need to figure out the holidays", he would say, "My wife and I will talk about it and get back to you to let me know what we're planning. Do you have any thoughts about what you'd like the holidays to look like that we can take into consideration when we talk?"

So that part is 100% your husband's fault/issue. But the rest of this complaint is 100% you, not your MIL. We've established that she's a pushy, selfish asshole. But it seems to me that you are not asserting yourself at all. She cannot bully you into doing the activities you mention. If she said that she had plans on your grandfather's birthday, you simply say, "That won't work for me. It's my grandfather's 80th birthday and I will not miss it for this flight. DH can fly in a day early if he insists, but my child and I are staying here to attend this family function." Regarding Christmas activities that required you to take your baby out into the frigid weather, the proper response is, "No, Gladys, it is far too cold to take the baby outside. You go and have a nice time, and if DH wants to go, that's fine. I will not take my baby out in this weather."

Regarding having no say in your baby's first Christmas, though, this is on you. You have to tell your husband what you want, not just let his mother plan what you want. He can't force you to fly to Colorado with your baby. He simply can't. And yes, his horrid mother will say terrible things about you. She always will, no matter what. You can be the most perfect DIL in the world and she will always find a reason to criticize you. Give up trying to get her to stop saying horrid things about you -- accept that she will no matter what, and focus on getting what you need for yourself and your child.

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving we spent with both families at a centrally located rental. The plan (or so I thought) was for MIL, my mother, and me to split up dinner preparations at the house. Instead, she rolled in with a whole Thanksgiving dinner that she prepared at home in coolers.

"Or so I thought" is the key phrase here. You assume that your MIL is a rational, functional being. She is competing with you and will never function rationally. Let that expectation go. Next time, be clear to her about what you and your mom will be doing. She will probably bring the whole dinner in a cooler anyway. If she does, simply proceed as if she hadn't. "Mom and I will be preparing our turkey in the morning."

Anonymous wrote:Same Thanksgiving she physically removed the baby from my mother when my mother was putting him down for a nap. MIL swept him off to her room and rocked him for an hour.

So, she actually physically wrestled the baby out of your mom's hands? Did you call her on that immediately? Was your husband in the room? If any adult physically tried to remove my child from another person, I would kick them out of my house. Your husband thinks this is ok?

If it wasn't that dramatic, I'm assuming your mom is as passive as you are about this stuff, and just let her take the baby away from her. If so, she needs to be assertive as a grandmother, too. "EXCUSE ME, GLADYS. I am holding the baby. Take your hands off the baby."

Your MIL will always compete with you and your mom for time with her grandchild. And, in fairness, I think it's reasonable to allow her a little alone time with her grandchild. But not snatching the child away.

Anonymous wrote:Blowups have been first in Colorado when she exposed the baby to lead by putting up Christmas lights that bore a lead warning on the box. When I said something to her, my husband sided with her and the ILs made a big display of leaving.

-I tried to apologize to her for the misunderstanding about the lead. I flew to see her. Instead of talking to me rationally, she told me all the things she didn't like about me. Including that I was rude because I didn't cook for them when they visited (even though I was working 50 hours per week, they would visit at the worst possible times, and give me no notice). My personal favorite was telling me that I was rude because I didn't participate in previous Christmas Eve dinner because I was pregnant and naseous. Also, said that she had to do things in our house (see bullet 1) because I "never lift a finger to do anything." Also said I bought her nice gifts to show off and get attention.

Hm. I can't imagine what kind of lead on Christmas lights could hurt an infant (lead poisoning is generally from ingestion, no?) but it also seems like a huge overreaction on her part to storm off and on your part to have flown out to apologize to her.

Regarding her rants about your failings, I think you can just be blunt with her. "Gladys, it is clear that you do not like me and that nothing I do will ever please you. I have accepted that and I will not be trying to earn your approval any longer. I am not interested in hearing any criticism from you. If you would like to be welcome in my home, you will treat me with decency and respect, which I would expect of any guest. If you cannot be civil or you cannot refrain from negative comments in front of my child, you will not be welcome in my home and we will not be visiting you in yours."

Anonymous wrote:At Easter, I hosted and cooked and tried to correct for all of her complaints about my domesticity. Then she claimed to my husband that I was rude and excluding her by not letting her help. Why would I after what she said about me?

You have to just stop trying to please her. She will ALWAYS complain to your husband about you, always. It doesn't matter what you do. If you asked her to help, she'd call you lazy. If you don't ask her to help, she says you're excluding her. You will NEVER PLEASE HER. NEVER. She wants her son to herself. So please just let go and try to tune out the noise. If your husband accuses you of treating her poorly, simply say that you are polite to her and that is all that you will be. Just let go. You cannot please her. Make a nice dinner for you, your child, your husband, and your guest, knowing that your guest will not like it (or will find some fault with it). That's the best you'll get. If she makes comments at the table, repeat again, " If you cannot be civil or you cannot refrain from negative comments in front of my child, you will not be welcome in my home and we will not be visiting you in yours.

Anonymous wrote:Today I saw a text from her telling my husband that all she wanted for Mother's Day was a picture of him and my son. Clear implication that she didn't want a family picture with me in it. No pictures of me on her Facebook either. I was livid, so I called her up and let her have it.

See, this is the thing, OP. Your MIL is a jerk and she doesn't like you. Consider it a compliment. There is nothing to be livid about here. It is totally understandable that she doesn't want a picture of you. She loves her son. She loves her grandchild. She doesn't like you. And it's actually kind of a reasonable thing for her to want, a picture of her son and grandchild without anyone else in it. This kind of stuff you just have to let go. No good will come of mentioning it.

She's not going to put up FB photos of you because she wants to pretend you don't exist. Seriously, do yourself the great favor of defriending her on Facebook...or, if that would be too confrontational, hide her posts from your feed. She's a jerk. Why remind yourself of her rejection of you? Just ignore her as much as you can.

I'm not sure if you can ever save your marriage to DH - he sounds weak. Really weak. But you can save yourself from your MIL. Draw boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Everything pp said, OP. You need to start asserting yourself and avoiding MIL altogether. Let DH deal with her exclusively.

[Anonymous]

PP is right, OP. Just to add about the pictures: I don't like my MIL because of how she treats me, and from her attitude it's safe to assume she is not too fond of me either. I give her a bunch of printed pictures of DC and DH now and then, but I never include pictures of myself with DC. She does not like me, why bother?

[Anonymous]

Why does MIL have keys to your house? This sounds more and more like a DH problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP is right, OP. Just to add about the pictures: I don't like my MIL because of how she treats me, and from her attitude it's safe to assume she is not too fond of me either. I give her a bunch of printed pictures of DC and DH now and then, but I never include pictures of myself with DC. She does not like me, why bother?

I wouldn't give her photos of DH and DC without you. Too bad. There wouldn't be a DC without you. Why even figuratively divide your family for her? MIL has to realize you are a family. BTW, I wouldn't agree to DH and DC trips to visit MIL without you, either. She needs to learn to be nice to you or she doesn't get to see DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything pp said, OP. You need to start asserting yourself and avoiding MIL altogether. Let DH deal with her exclusively.

I agree, and would only add that OP's DH is the major problem here. He needs to get on the same page with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. These are some examples:

-Invited her sister to stay in our house while we were out of town without asking me. Then proceeded to spruce up the place to make it suitable for her sister. She bought a lamp. Put up temporary shades. Previously she would make comments about the lack of window treatments in the guest room/bathroom.

-Left her unruly un-neutered male dog with us repeatedly to go on vacation. For weeks at the time without asking me. He has destroyed two doors in our house. Ran away. Tries to attack our friends. The list goes on. Most recently she left the dog when I was nine months pregnant. I only found out about the plan when she mentioned it in a speaker phone call.

-Says things to my husband like "we need to figure out the holidays." They then proceeded to plan a trip to Colorado for Christmas without asking me, which forced me not to spend any part of the holidays with my family. I am an only child. We even flew to Colorado on my grandfather's 80th birthday, so I had to miss his party. I didn't know about the plan until she dropped the bomb on a speaker phone call. Then in Colorado, she planned activities that forced me to drag a five-month-old out in single digit/negative degree weather. Then made comments about my bundling him up. I had no say in the activities for my baby's first Christmas at all.

-Thanksgiving we spent with both families at a centrally located rental. The plan (or so I thought) was for MIL, my mother, and me to split up dinner preparations at the house. Instead, she rolled in with a whole Thanksgiving dinner that she prepared at home in coolers.

-Same Thanksgiving she physically removed the baby from my mother when my mother was putting him down for a nap. MIL swept him off to her room and rocked him for an hour.

-Blowups have been first in Colorado when she exposed the baby to lead by putting up Christmas lights that bore a lead warning on the box. When I said something to her, my husband sided with her and the ILs made a big display of leaving.

-I tried to apologize to her for the misunderstanding about the lead. I flew to see her. Instead of talking to me rationally, she told me all the things she didn't like about me. Including that I was rude because I didn't cook for them when they visited (even though I was working 50 hours per week, they would visit at the worst possible times, and give me no notice). My personal favorite was telling me that I was rude because I didn't participate in previous Christmas Eve dinner because I was pregnant and naseous. Also, said that she had to do things in our house (see bullet 1) because I "never lift a finger to do anything." Also said I bought her nice gifts to show off and get attention.

-At Easter, I hosted and cooked and tried to correct for all of her complaints about my domesticity. Then she claimed to my husband that I was rude and excluding her by not letting her help. Why would I after what she said about me?

-Today I saw a text from her telling my husband that all she wanted for Mother's Day was a picture of him and my son. Clear implication that she didn't want a family picture with me in it. No pictures of me on her Facebook either. I was livid, so I called her up and let her have it.

It's simple: she doesn't like you. You will always be "that woman" who in her mind controls her interactions with her beloved son and grandson. She never got over her son getting married. My father's family was this way. No matter how hard my mom tried, her MIL could never take to her. That's just how it was. Eventually, my father had no choice but to choose sides and he chose his wife and kids, rightfully so.

[Anonymous]

The main problem is with your husband: He needs to agree not to agree to plans with your MIL before talking with you first, as a start. That would fix a lot of it.

And then you need to start saying no. "Oh, gosh, no, we need to split the holidays fairly between families." "Heavens, after the things she's said to me, I'd prefer she stay in a hotel." "Oh she wants this picture? Well, I'll let you deal with that." "Honey, remember how that dog tore up our house and ran away? No, I'm never watching anyone's dog again after that experience. That's why they invented kennels."