Problems with MIL straining my marriage

[Anonymous]

You need to make a big effort to assert yourself and be ready to threaten divorce and go through with it. Really.

1. Seek counseling, alone if DH refuses to go.

2. Change your behavior with your loser of a husband in order to discuss this issue: stand up straight, make eye contact, speak clearly, firmly but courteously. Never get emotional, whether it's tears or yelling - everyone just sees that as being weak!
You need the cold calculating arguments of a lawyer.

3. Tell your husband that you have lived in hell for too long, and that from now on the game is changing. That he has to be on your team, even if it means confronting his mother. Go ahead and threaten divorce. Make him choose. Tell him that all plans involving himself, you and DC have to be okayed with you first. That you require half of your joint vacation time for your own family, on their important dates. That your home is your castle and you both have to accept letting someone else in.

4. Stop caring about MIL - the more effort you make, the less she will respect you. Just wipe her out of your mind.

Consult a divorce attorney, too. Just stop this crap already.

[Anonymous]

PP here - I struggled at the beginning of my marriage with overbearing DH, who did not always understand that his behavior was very disrespectful towards me - but thankfully, MIL was on MY side!
I threatened to divorce DH, and he finally saw reason and changed... gradually.


Good luck!

[Anonymous]

21:40 - I did exactly that. But I was too nice for 4 years and put up with a lot and did that at my total breaking point. DH shaped up after that. I highly recommend this route, especially if you don't normally have a flair for the dramatic. It works!

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, I thought your description of your MIL was the universal definition of MIL. Sneaky, woe-is-me.... you get it.

[Anonymous]

Truly messed up. I would not tolerate that. If my husband dismissed my feelings so often, I'd probably leave him. That's not a marriage.

[Anonymous]

This is not a MIL problem, it's a husband problem. You're wasting energy focusing on her when his refusal to stand up for your family is the real issue.

[Anonymous]

Hmm my guess is op is an a bit controlling too..I see patterns where guys with controlling moms marry controlling women..I predict divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if I missed this in the thread, but is MIL divorced or a widow? If she, she may see your DH as the primary male figure in her life. I dated a guy who was in this situation and it didn't last long. His mama called him 24/7 and didn't like me from the get-go. It was obvious that she owned him and he wasn't willing to hold her at bay.

This Is my marriage right now and it's hell. Divorced mil, dh is primary male figure, she can do no wrong. I'm so unhappy.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't even get through your list. You obviously have a husband problem. HE is not treating you like an equal partnership in your marriage and that is the bottom line. I wish you the best and hope you start receiving the respect you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Your problem is with your husband. She can't do anything to you that he's not letting her do.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I feel your pain. My MIL is a huge bitch also. Almost 10 years of marriage and it hasn't improved. My MIL also makes plans without consulting me or goes out her way to exclude me. The worst was when she invited extra guest to my house without consulting me but did not lift a finger or even pretend by asking if there was something she could help with. I have stopped making any effort like the pps. I do not make any effort for days or Xmas gifts. That is on DH. The biggest thing I have done is put my foot down about going to see them. They don't believe in raising the thermostat past 60 in the winter. Last time we were there my toddler was ice cold in the morning. I am sorry your husband won't admit that his mother has caused any trouble. My Dh is completely clueless while something is happening but he does not idolize his mom either. He knows she will never change but also realizes this means we don't see her that often.

[Anonymous]

The problem is your husband. You two are supposed to be a united front.

[Anonymous]

Why has this 2 year old thread been revived?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you have a DH problem and that you need to establish boundaries. If your DH isn't willing to do so, you need to establish some for yourself. I had IL and a DH problem even before we were married. We spent a lot of time in counseling (my ILs were perfect in my DH's eyes) and almost didn't get married because of it. Our counselor told us something like 80% of all problems don't go away, you just learn to deal with them better. I didn't believe it at the time but 15 years into it, I can see it. I won't go into the whole lurid tale but basically I chose to disengage with my ILs. I was polite, did my duty, etc but nothing more. I didn't invite them over, I didn't buy presents/cards (that was DH's responsibility and I reminded him of birthdays/anniversaries, etc.), I didn't call or email. I did provide DH pictures to give to them but didn't do it myself. I also didn't go to their family events. I was treated like shit and since DH couldn't/wouldn't stand up, I withdrew. I have family and friends that love me and I didn't need them. It worked out beautifully for me! DH was uncomfortable with it becuase people asked where I was but that was his problem, not mind. After we had kids, things changed a lot. His family got a lot nicer and I slowly engaged them but still have very healthy boundaries.

What it took me (and them) a long time to learn was that people have this idea in their heads about what their relationship will be with their ILs. Those ideas can be radically different.

This is what I do with my in laws now too. I will be polite when I see them but I will not go out of my way to send pics, etc. I am working on not wanting to send DH pics of our child b/c even after all she's done (the most recent being disinviting us from Mother's Day brunch and him saying he's done with her), he still sends her pictures. I try to look at it like he just wants his mother's love, and that is normal, despite the fact she rarely says anything nice back. Like one time he sent her a picture and she texted back, "I wish I had gotten to know DC." DC is 2 and very much alive.

Basically, I called her out on her attention seeking BS within the first year of our marriage, and she's hated me since. The rest of the family kowtowed to her for years and some still do. I'm lucky in that DH realizes that she is not a healthy person to be around and we don't have to engage with her often. I do wonder sometimes if eventually DH will resent me for this.

Good luck OP. Just stay true to yourself and what you think is best for your DC.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like my mil to a t. I had finally had enough when my husband was blaming me and taking her side and accusing me of lying. In the prior arguments with my husband, I told him I could handle her arguments if he loved me and believed me and had my back. If he did this, I would kill her with kindness. He could never do this so I asked for a divorce.

He finally changed and stood up to her and she has backed off. I no longer speak to her or call or email her. He handles it all.