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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I agree that you have a DH problem and that you need to establish boundaries.  If your DH isn't willing to do so, you need to establish some for yourself.  I had IL and a DH problem even before we were married.  We spent a lot of time in counseling (my ILs were perfect in my DH's eyes) and almost didn't get married because of it.  Our counselor told us something like 80% of all problems don't go away, you just learn to deal with them better.  I didn't believe it at the time but 15 years into it, I can see it.  I won't go into the whole lurid tale but basically I chose to disengage with my ILs.  I was polite, did my duty, etc but nothing more.  I didn't invite them over, I didn't buy presents/cards (that was DH's responsibility and I reminded him of birthdays/anniversaries, etc.), I didn't call or email.  I did provide DH pictures to give to them but didn't do it myself.  I also didn't go to their family events.  I was treated like shit and since DH couldn't/wouldn't stand up, I withdrew.  I have family and friends that love me and I didn't need them.  It worked out beautifully for me!  DH was uncomfortable with it becuase people asked where I was but that was his problem, not mind.  After we had kids, things changed a lot.  His family got a lot nicer and I slowly engaged them but still have very healthy boundaries.

What it took me (and them) a long time to learn was that people have this idea in their  heads about what their relationship will be with their ILs.  Those ideas can be radically different.[/quote]

This is what I do with my in laws now too.  I will be polite when I see them but I will not go out of my way to send pics, etc.  I am working on not wanting to send DH pics of our child b/c even after all she's done (the most recent being disinviting us from Mother's Day brunch and him saying he's done with her), he still sends her pictures.  I try to look at it like he just wants his mother's love, and that is normal, despite the fact she rarely says anything nice back.  Like one time he sent her a picture and she texted back, "I wish I had gotten to know DC."  DC is 2 and very much alive.

Basically, [b]I called her out on her attention seeking BS within the first year of our marriage, and she's hated me since.  The rest of the family kowtowed to her for years[/b] and some still do.  [b]I'm lucky in that DH realizes that she is not a healthy person to be around [/b]and we don't have to engage with her often. [b]I do wonder sometimes if eventually DH will resent me for this. 
[/b]
Good luck OP. Just stay true to yourself and what you think is best for your DC. [/quote]

I haven't called out my MIL to her face, but I've discussed my concerns about this with DH. He and the family jump as high as she commands, and I am now the odd one out since I am the only one who sees anything odd or dysfunctional. [/quote]

PP that you bolded above here.  It's hard b/c they've grown up with it.  DH's siblings are all realizing how unhealthy it's been (you should see how she treats FIL.  She doesn't even let him live with her. He just takes it).  One of the siblings is in therapy for it and has similar issues with being in relationships that my DH has. I'm pretty sure MIL has borderline personality disorder.  She creates a swirl of drama to get attention so that everyone can see just HOW HARD her life is.[/quote]

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