Problems with MIL straining my marriage
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Anonymous
++ You have to get you dh on the same page along with you, and set up some boundaries. Be civil and polite to your mil but be firm and just say no to dogsitting, no to going along with trips on your relative's 80th birthday, etc. Don't let her get to you 
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Anonymous
| that was supposed to be "your dh" |
Anonymous
| Everybody Loves Raymond |
Anonymous
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OP, your problem is not with your MIL, it is with your marriage. Your DH clearly see your marriage as a three some with his mom. She is still his "Mom" so her wishes come first. You are just the third wheel. These are very important life moments with you your DH, and baby. But how it is playing out is U+Me & baby makes 3. And then you.
I know this sounds very harsh, but what your MIL is doing is so far over the line that I do not see this being resolved without significant marriage counselling. Even then, DH will probably say that you all need to get along, which means, do what his mom says. A friend had the same problem--she got a divorce. She knew that there was no breaking up the happy couple -- him and his mother. It is a deep psychological problem that does not lend itself to an easy fix. It takes effort to understand that it was not her, it is him. And that it can make you very unhappy and destroy the marriage. |
Anonymous
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OP, here. Thanks for all the insight. I completely agree that DH is the problem. I never would have had direct conflict with his mother had he set her straight early on. Any specific advice for making him see the light now?
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Anonymous
If only you could simply ask him, "Honey, if we were on a sinking ship and you could only save one person, would it be me or your mother?" you'd have your answer right there. Otherwise, maybe you need to just say that you feel that you don't have any support from him when it comes to his mom and it's apparent based on examples ABC, particularly that you allowed her to bring over her dog that trashed your home. That incident says everything. His home-- basically, his LIFE with you-- is open for ruin by this woman and he's not going to protect it. |
Anonymous
| Not sure if I missed this in the thread, but is MIL divorced or a widow? If she, she may see your DH as the primary male figure in her life. I dated a guy who was in this situation and it didn't last long. His mama called him 24/7 and didn't like me from the get-go. It was obvious that she owned him and he wasn't willing to hold her at bay. |
Anonymous
OP thats the problem. I dont think he will start to see the problem bc he does not see one and he is going to just get angry with you and blame you for being the problem. I am a pp- and well that was my experience. Maybe put your foot down and say if things dont change and we cannot communicate then I am making an appointment for counseling. Maybe he sees this issue as nothing? |
Anonymous
| MIL is not divorced or widowed. DH is only child. FIL just goes along with MIL because he is completely dependent on her to function. He can't feed himself when she is out of town. Also FIL is independently prone to making rude comments about our home decor. |
Anonymous
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"If only you could simply ask him, "Honey, if we were on a sinking ship and you could only save one person, would it be me or your mother?" you'd have your answer right there. "
Their marriage IS on a sinking ship. |
Anonymous
So she's used to being the alpha female and she expects you to submit. And her son and husband are afraid of her too. Wonderful. What was she like when she first met you? Was she difficult about your wedding? Sounds like this has gone on for a long time and now it's going to be even harder to nip in the bud because DH may assume you're just used to it and also willing to defer to her needs. |
Anonymous
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This sounds really awful OP and I'm really sorry. Your MIL is trying to ruin your marriage. I agree with a lot of the PPs that you need to start saying "no" sometimes. Let DH see the consequences of always siding with his mother. In other words when they make plans for Christmas without discussing it with you then you say (to DH privately, not with MIL on the phone), "I'm sorry but you didn't discuss this with me and we need to decide this as a family. If you want to go that's fine but DC and I are staying here/going to see my family etc."
Pick and choose your battles. Don't complain about everything MIL does only the things that are MAJOR issues for now. Don't get into fights with MIL, that only makes you look worse (not that you are worse, MIL is 1000x worse but it will make you look better if you take the high road). I'm not sure if your DH will get it but he needs to understand at some point that his behavior and refusal to ever choose you over his mother could be marriage ending. If this continues you will start to resent him more and more and I don't see that as a lasting happy marriage. |
Anonymous
| Show him this thread and ask for his honest, calm opinion on your thoughts (and our responses). Gauge his reaction. I would probably be headed for divorce if I was in your situation, FWIW. This is no way to live. |
Anonymous
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I agree that you have a DH problem and that you need to establish boundaries. If your DH isn't willing to do so, you need to establish some for yourself. I had IL and a DH problem even before we were married. We spent a lot of time in counseling (my ILs were perfect in my DH's eyes) and almost didn't get married because of it. Our counselor told us something like 80% of all problems don't go away, you just learn to deal with them better. I didn't believe it at the time but 15 years into it, I can see it. I won't go into the whole lurid tale but basically I chose to disengage with my ILs. I was polite, did my duty, etc but nothing more. I didn't invite them over, I didn't buy presents/cards (that was DH's responsibility and I reminded him of birthdays/anniversaries, etc.), I didn't call or email. I did provide DH pictures to give to them but didn't do it myself. I also didn't go to their family events. I was treated like shit and since DH couldn't/wouldn't stand up, I withdrew. I have family and friends that love me and I didn't need them. It worked out beautifully for me! DH was uncomfortable with it becuase people asked where I was but that was his problem, not mind. After we had kids, things changed a lot. His family got a lot nicer and I slowly engaged them but still have very healthy boundaries.
What it took me (and them) a long time to learn was that people have this idea in their heads about what their relationship will be with their ILs. Those ideas can be radically different. |
Anonymous
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PP here. It does not look good. She has been alpha all her life and he is an only. Yikes. Perhaps you could start with actions not words. As in, 1) no key to my house. (might be hard. I had to change my phone number several times because MIL would call me constantly --this before caller ID etc. DH would give her a key and not tell me) 2) No dog in my house. Dog goes to kennel, or somewhere, anywhere, just not here. 3) I am visiting my parents with the baby. (My DH was just fine with that) You can stay with yours.
I am sorry to say that I stayed in a relationship like this for many years. I regret that I did not leave. Also later found out that people did not respect me for putting up with this relationship and thought my DH had a big (and unsolvable) problem. I do hope that you are able to work this out. Also, I agree don't complain --he will not "hear" you. |