do you let 10yo go to sleepovers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ask, other than the kids my child's age, what other people are there. Uncle sleeping on the couch, older stepbrother there for the weekend, or even just an older male sibling would be a no go for me.

So every older male sibling is a secret pedo in disguise?

Do you at least realize how crazy that bit sounds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can teach your child that she has to be afraid of the world, afraid of others, afraid to leave home or you can teach her, in incremental amounts, that she has the inner resources to become her own person, strong and most of all in control. Of course we can all come up with examples of kids who never went on sleepovers and grew up to be just fine. But there are plenty of opposing examples as well, the kids who go to college and turn right around and come home, the kids with anxiety about leaving home, the kids who are so anxious on high school trips that are overnight that they cry the whole time while their classmates look at them like they are babies. (These are all examples from real kids that I know). And when the girls get together Monday morning with all their private jokes from the slumber party Saturday night, where will your DD be? She'll be the one on the outs who missed all the fun. And you wont know how that makes her feel but trust me, it sucks.

Then there was the classmate of my DD's (who is an older team) who was never allowed to go on sleepovers and developed an entire life that her parents were unaware of because they were so out of touch with what kids were really doing. She became sexually active and involved with drugs with older kids when none of her friends -- the ones whose parents were so permissive they let them go to sleepovers -- were doing anything like that.

Kids need to separate slowly. Thats the beauty of the overnight. It allows a child to go to another home, feel the strength of that independence, and then return to her own home the next day. I'll never forget how empowered both my kids felt after their first overnight.

And I'm not buying the cultural defense simply because my DD's AA and Latino friends participate in just as many overnights as everyone else. That may be your perception, but I don't think it is the norm.

How extreme! If my DD doesn't go on sleepoveer she will turn to drugs? cry on HS trips? Turn around and come back from college? Give me a break. I didn't go on overnights to my classmates homesas a 10 year old but had no problem leaving home to go to college, travelling the world, relocating to DC, and no, I never cried on HS trips. Are you AA or Latino? No. So I am not buying your assertion that the handful that you do know means that it is not the norm.

Crazy thing is that some people decide to focus on things other then worrying that the older brother is a secret pedo or that there is a meth lab in the basement.

[Anonymous]

I am a criminal defense attorney and I post every so often when these sorts of threads pop up. To all the people rolling their eyes at the fear of abuse at the hands of an older sibling or other relative in the sleepover host's home, it happens quite a bit. I have had some pretty ugly cases of abuse come out of sleepovers. Sometimes the perpetrator is the older brother. Sometimes it is the uncle. Sometimes it is the older brother's friend. You get the picture. It happens more than I am comfortable with. Then there are the cases where the kids are up too late and get too crazy. In one extreme case, a little boy was bullied by his soccer team and got scared of them in the middle of the night. He took steps to defend himself (like the equivalent of making fists and getting into a fighting stance), started yelling, woke up the parents (who did not know him particularly well), and the parents called the police. That little boy wound up in the juvenile detention home for several days. I am not often moved by my clients' families fear of a loved one being in jail or a detention home. With this little boy I was in a near frothing panic to get him out. In another, a group of boys snuck out of the sleepover house and went up to their school and set fire to things like grass, small piles of paper, etc. They wound up charged with arson. There was no property loss. Many of them were held in the juvenile detention home over a major holiday weekend. When school starts my sleepover business increases dramatically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a criminal defense attorney and I post every so often when these sorts of threads pop up. To all the people rolling their eyes at the fear of abuse at the hands of an older sibling or other relative in the sleepover host's home, it happens quite a bit. I have had some pretty ugly cases of abuse come out of sleepovers. Sometimes the perpetrator is the older brother. Sometimes it is the uncle. Sometimes it is the older brother's friend. You get the picture. It happens more than I am comfortable with. Then there are the cases where the kids are up too late and get too crazy. In one extreme case, a little boy was bullied by his soccer team and got scared of them in the middle of the night. He took steps to defend himself (like the equivalent of making fists and getting into a fighting stance), started yelling, woke up the parents (who did not know him particularly well), and the parents called the police. That little boy wound up in the juvenile detention home for several days. I am not often moved by my clients' families fear of a loved one being in jail or a detention home. With this little boy I was in a near frothing panic to get him out. In another, a group of boys snuck out of the sleepover house and went up to their school and set fire to things like grass, small piles of paper, etc. They wound up charged with arson. There was no property loss. Many of them were held in the juvenile detention home over a major holiday weekend. When school starts my sleepover business increases dramatically.

But this is the thing -- these scenarios may seem typical to you because it is your job, but they are extremely rare in the real world. For those who roll their eyes at the examples of kids who cannot separate from their parents because they've never been given the opportunity to, you should roll your eyes equally at the parents calling the police on a screaming child. Seriously, would anyone on these boards do that? No, those were some cuckoo parents there. I'm not saying they don't exist. But we can't raise our children based on extreme situations. Thats an excellent way to transfer anxiety to them, a lasting gift that will haunt them into adulthood.

Parents need to use their judgment. Rather than bright line rules, ask yourself if you are comfortable having your child spend the night in this particular situation. If you do this, you will find that in most situations you are fine and in some you will say no. When you exercise judgment you teach your kids to exercise judgment because if all they have to rely upon is a bright line rule, they have nothing once the rule doesn't make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

You are not a laid back parent. And you are depriving your child of something that is not only a lot of fun, and not only typical for children (making him a freak, or at least a kid who is pitied because his parents won't let him sleep over -- trust me, the other kids do talk about those kids), you are depriving him of the important developmental tool of learning to leave home for the night, while also sending the signal that he should be afraid of the world.

The child who sleeps in his own bed ever single night will have a tough time going to college, thats for sure.

X1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

You are not a laid back parent. And you are depriving your child of something that is not only a lot of fun, and not only typical for children (making him a freak, or at least a kid who is pitied because his parents won't let him sleep over -- trust me, the other kids do talk about those kids), you are depriving him of the important developmental tool of learning to leave home for the night, while also sending the signal that he should be afraid of the world.

The child who sleeps in his own bed ever single night will have a tough time going to college, thats for sure.

No, sorry, not even a little bit true. My BFF as a child and teen was never allowed to do sleepovers. She was very independent and mature and went away to college and lived on her own just fine. She had plenty of friends also as a child. By the time we were 12, all our friends knew she couldn't sleep over so it was no issue. She still went to parties, she just left later in the evening. It's a rule the parents have and stick too all the time then kids just accept it and it's not a big deal.

Agreed. I won't be apologizing for not letting my kid do sleepovers. And as for doing it because otherwise the other kids will talk about her? That gets a big "so what?" from me. People will talk about you no matter what so it is best to do what is best for you. I was not allowed sleepovers as a child and I went away to college just fine and I never needed to return to my parents house because I couldn't live on my own. The idea that it is "typical" is based on your expereince and it was not "typical" when I was growing up. Being so cavelier about the world is a trap for the unwary. While you don't want to send a message to kids that the world is all danger, you also don't want your child to believe that everyone should be trusted.

Glad you weren't my mom. This is just weird and antisocial. We don't live where this cultural value is recognized so it's not a valid excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

It is fun. So is camp. So is staying at grandma's house. So is sleeping in a tent. So is going on vacation. So is traveling and seeing the world.

His bed. Our house. Every night = Suffocated child who has limited life experience, doesn't adapt well to new places and isn't a llowed developmentally appropriate indepedence.

+1

[Anonymous]

"So, I went to the house and met the parents. Needless to say, I didn't leave with a comfortable feeling (there was a pool table in the living room - no couch, no tv -- just a pool table)."

Oh, brother!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

You are not a laid back parent. And you are depriving your child of something that is not only a lot of fun, and not only typical for children (making him a freak, or at least a kid who is pitied because his parents won't let him sleep over -- trust me, the other kids do talk about those kids), you are depriving him of the important developmental tool of learning to leave home for the night, while also sending the signal that he should be afraid of the world.

The child who sleeps in his own bed ever single night will have a tough time going to college, thats for sure.

No, sorry, not even a little bit true. My BFF as a child and teen was never allowed to do sleepovers. She was very independent and mature and went away to college and lived on her own just fine. She had plenty of friends also as a child. By the time we were 12, all our friends knew she couldn't sleep over so it was no issue. She still went to parties, she just left later in the evening. It's a rule the parents have and stick too all the time then kids just accept it and it's not a big deal.

Agreed. I won't be apologizing for not letting my kid do sleepovers. And as for doing it because otherwise the other kids will talk about her? That gets a big "so what?" from me. People will talk about you no matter what so it is best to do what is best for you. I was not allowed sleepovers as a child and I went away to college just fine and I never needed to return to my parents house because I couldn't live on my own. The idea that it is "typical" is based on your expereince and it was not "typical" when I was growing up. Being so cavelier about the world is a trap for the unwary. While you don't want to send a message to kids that the world is all danger, you also don't want your child to believe that everyone should be trusted.

Glad you weren't my mom. This is just weird and antisocial. We don't live where this cultural value is recognized so it's not a valid excuse.

Not the PP you are replying to, but WHAT??? I cannot believe I just read that. Please, tell me WHICH cultural values are officially recognized where we live. Give me a list. I am sure Children's Sleepovers will be at the top of your All American Pie list of values. What a DUMB ASS you are. I wouldn't allow my child to sleep over at your house because I would be afraid of you imposing your DUMB ASS values on my kid. UGH!!!!!! I never curse on DCUM, but I cannot find a more suitable way to describe you. GUESS WHAT????? AA and Latinos LIVE HERE. And are not ANY less of part of the culture of HERE. And while their cultural values may not be valued by YOU, that does not make them irrelevant.
I'd be more worried about how your children are going to turn out because you are so ignorant than I would worry about how children who sleep in their own beds turn out. Redirect your energies please!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a criminal defense attorney and I post every so often when these sorts of threads pop up. To all the people rolling their eyes at the fear of abuse at the hands of an older sibling or other relative in the sleepover host's home, it happens quite a bit. I have had some pretty ugly cases of abuse come out of sleepovers. Sometimes the perpetrator is the older brother. Sometimes it is the uncle. Sometimes it is the older brother's friend. You get the picture. It happens more than I am comfortable with. Then there are the cases where the kids are up too late and get too crazy. In one extreme case, a little boy was bullied by his soccer team and got scared of them in the middle of the night. He took steps to defend himself (like the equivalent of making fists and getting into a fighting stance), started yelling, woke up the parents (who did not know him particularly well), and the parents called the police. That little boy wound up in the juvenile detention home for several days. I am not often moved by my clients' families fear of a loved one being in jail or a detention home. With this little boy I was in a near frothing panic to get him out. In another, a group of boys snuck out of the sleepover house and went up to their school and set fire to things like grass, small piles of paper, etc. They wound up charged with arson. There was no property loss. Many of them were held in the juvenile detention home over a major holiday weekend. When school starts my sleepover business increases dramatically.

But this is the thing -- these scenarios may seem typical to you because it is your job, but they are extremely rare in the real world. For those who roll their eyes at the examples of kids who cannot separate from their parents because they've never been given the opportunity to, you should roll your eyes equally at the parents calling the police on a screaming child. Seriously, would anyone on these boards do that? No, those were some cuckoo parents there. I'm not saying they don't exist. But we can't raise our children based on extreme situations. Thats an excellent way to transfer anxiety to them, a lasting gift that will haunt them into adulthood.

Parents need to use their judgment. Rather than bright line rules, ask yourself if you are comfortable having your child spend the night in this particular situation. If you do this, you will find that in most situations you are fine and in some you will say no. When you exercise judgment you teach your kids to exercise judgment because if all they have to rely upon is a bright line rule, they have nothing once the rule doesn't make sense.

No you moron, this person is telling you it's not in fact rare but you think it is because it just doesn't get any media attention and families are not likely to talk about it openly so you as the general public do not hear about it.

[Anonymous]

Right. As if the cases this attorney deals with are not happening in the "real world." I guess PP thinks they are happening in some alternate universe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS, age 10, is invited to a school friend's sleepover party. We do not know the family very well -- know who they are, haven't gotten to know them. I am torn about how to handle it. My first reaction is no, we don't know these people well enough. But reconsidering a bit, not wanting to prevent DS from going to a classmate's party. At the least, I would go over and meet the parents at beginning of party, linger for a few minutes, but that doesn't tell me much. DS has done sleepovers before, but in other cases we knew the parents better. WWYD?

Mine have been doing sleepovers since they were 5... I don't understand the problem here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ask, other than the kids my child's age, what other people are there. Uncle sleeping on the couch, older stepbrother there for the weekend, or even just an older male sibling would be a no go for me.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^their is extreme sensitivity among the parents of black and biracial girls that males will grossly assume that their DD's are more sexually open--there is deep fear that older males of any race will be less respectful of their DD's bodies. There is a cultural history of violation of young black and biracial (AA) girls all over the world aand their families are ultra protective of them and less likely to permit sleepovers for that reason. I am the white mother of a biracial DD--and I have only ever allowed this with families that I had many social interactions with before--through girl scouts, school volunteering and actual playmates where I had lingered a bit in the home and seen the way the family interacted. Uncles and other non-sibling males who might be sleeping o a couch?! That would be really stupid for anyone to put their DD in that situation.

Hmmm I am the PP and actually we are minorities. I find it interesting that you put into words what I would hesitate to say- that NONE of my friends would allow their DD to go to a sleepover because of this history. We are all highly educated people but are of AA, caribbean or Latin descent, and it is not cultuarlly acceptable to allow your DD to go to a sleepover.

DH and I are Latinos. Our kids only do sleepovers with cousins or very close family friends we have known for years. No exceptions.

Are you suggesting that because you come from a foreign culture we're supposed to respect your views?

You're here now. This is America. Assimilate.

[Anonymous]

I am Latino and did not come from a foreign country. My family was here before yours, I am sure. Assimilate and adopt your ignorance? No thanks. Asshole.