do you let 10yo go to sleepovers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ask, other than the kids my child's age, what other people are there. Uncle sleeping on the couch, older stepbrother there for the weekend, or even just an older male sibling would be a no go for me.

Really? An older sibling? You need to keep your child safe, but this is over the top.

Have you even looked into who the actual abusers are? Or are you just scoffing at the idea with no actual basis fir your conclusions.

[Anonymous]

^^their is extreme sensitivity among the parents of black and biracial girls that males will grossly assume that their DD's are more sexually open--there is deep fear that older males of any race will be less respectful of their DD's bodies. There is a cultural history of violation of young black and biracial (AA) girls all over the world aand their families are ultra protective of them and less likely to permit sleepovers for that reason. I am the white mother of a biracial DD--and I have only ever allowed this with families that I had many social interactions with before--through girl scouts, school volunteering and actual playmates where I had lingered a bit in the home and seen the way the family interacted. Uncles and other non-sibling males who might be sleeping o a couch?! That would be really stupid for anyone to put their DD in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^their is extreme sensitivity among the parents of black and biracial girls that males will grossly assume that their DD's are more sexually open--there is deep fear that older males of any race will be less respectful of their DD's bodies. There is a cultural history of violation of young black and biracial (AA) girls all over the world aand their families are ultra protective of them and less likely to permit sleepovers for that reason. I am the white mother of a biracial DD--and I have only ever allowed this with families that I had many social interactions with before--through girl scouts, school volunteering and actual playmates where I had lingered a bit in the home and seen the way the family interacted. Uncles and other non-sibling males who might be sleeping o a couch?! That would be really stupid for anyone to put their DD in that situation.

Hmmm I am the PP and actually we are minorities. I find it interesting that you put into words what I would hesitate to say- that NONE of my friends would allow their DD to go to a sleepover because of this history. We are all highly educated people but are of AA, caribbean or Latin descent, and it is not cultuarlly acceptable to allow your DD to go to a sleepover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

It is fun. So is camp. So is staying at grandma's house. So is sleeping in a tent. So is going on vacation. So is traveling and seeing the world.

His bed. Our house. Every night = Suffocated child who has limited life experience, doesn't adapt well to new places and isn't a llowed developmentally appropriate indepedence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^their is extreme sensitivity among the parents of black and biracial girls that males will grossly assume that their DD's are more sexually open--there is deep fear that older males of any race will be less respectful of their DD's bodies. There is a cultural history of violation of young black and biracial (AA) girls all over the world aand their families are ultra protective of them and less likely to permit sleepovers for that reason. I am the white mother of a biracial DD--and I have only ever allowed this with families that I had many social interactions with before--through girl scouts, school volunteering and actual playmates where I had lingered a bit in the home and seen the way the family interacted. Uncles and other non-sibling males who might be sleeping o a couch?! That would be really stupid for anyone to put their DD in that situation.

Hmmm I am the PP and actually we are minorities. I find it interesting that you put into words what I would hesitate to say- that NONE of my friends would allow their DD to go to a sleepover because of this history. We are all highly educated people but are of AA, caribbean or Latin descent, and it is not cultuarlly acceptable to allow your DD to go to a sleepover.

DH and I are Latinos. Our kids only do sleepovers with cousins or very close family friends we have known for years. No exceptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

It is fun. So is camp. So is staying at grandma's house. So is sleeping in a tent. So is going on vacation. So is traveling and seeing the world.

His bed. Our house. Every night = Suffocated child who has limited life experience, doesn't adapt well to new places and isn't a llowed developmentally appropriate indepedence.

A kid who sleeps in her own bed does not equate to a suffocated child with limited life experience, etc. etc.

[Anonymous]

A PP raised a good question - what about sleepaway camp? I'm assuming that's completely off the table for those of you who don't permit sleepovers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

"I have been told" - they're lying to you. OK, maybe lying is too strong - humoring you? placating you? mocking you? Pick one.

"and I also agree" - self-delusion apparently has no limits.

[Anonymous]

At 10, I anticipate my daughter being able to take the Metro by herself. She's been doing sleepovers since she was 4 (at good friends' houses, but still).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A PP raised a good question - what about sleepaway camp? I'm assuming that's completely off the table for those of you who don't permit sleepovers?

For most of my family yes, it is off the table for them to allow their child to go to sleepaway camp. For me, although I won't allow sleepovers to Susie so and so's house, I will allow sleep away camps but not as early as 7 maybe 10? My reasoning is that there are a lot more checks and balances built into a sleepaway camp(ex. only females can do head counts at night etc). My child goes to daycare now and after checking it out I had a measure of comfort with the place for the same reason. I know it does not guarantee the safety of my child but it makes me feel more comfortable than allowing my child to go to someone's private home where I don't know who is there at all times and don't know the procedures they follow (e.x who sleeps where etc). With a sleepaway camp and day care, you are paying so they provide you with the information, and there is some accountability.

[Anonymous]

You can teach your child that she has to be afraid of the world, afraid of others, afraid to leave home or you can teach her, in incremental amounts, that she has the inner resources to become her own person, strong and most of all in control. Of course we can all come up with examples of kids who never went on sleepovers and grew up to be just fine. But there are plenty of opposing examples as well, the kids who go to college and turn right around and come home, the kids with anxiety about leaving home, the kids who are so anxious on high school trips that are overnight that they cry the whole time while their classmates look at them like they are babies. (These are all examples from real kids that I know). And when the girls get together Monday morning with all their private jokes from the slumber party Saturday night, where will your DD be? She'll be the one on the outs who missed all the fun. And you wont know how that makes her feel but trust me, it sucks.

Then there was the classmate of my DD's (who is an older team) who was never allowed to go on sleepovers and developed an entire life that her parents were unaware of because they were so out of touch with what kids were really doing. She became sexually active and involved with drugs with older kids when none of her friends -- the ones whose parents were so permissive they let them go to sleepovers -- were doing anything like that.

Kids need to separate slowly. Thats the beauty of the overnight. It allows a child to go to another home, feel the strength of that independence, and then return to her own home the next day. I'll never forget how empowered both my kids felt after their first overnight.

And I'm not buying the cultural defense simply because my DD's AA and Latino friends participate in just as many overnights as everyone else. That may be your perception, but I don't think it is the norm.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Just read through the thread. This doesn't really have to be an argument about "helicopter parents" or weird predictions about social ostracism because (gasp!) people didn't go on sleepovers. The original question was asking about letting someone go on a sleepover where she didn't know the parents well. To me, that is the crux of the issue. there is a middle ground: I happily let my children go on sleepovers where I know the family well, but not where I don't. Far from being overprotective, I simply consider that basic responsible parenting.

[Anonymous]

How does this get 3 pgs of back-and-forth? Trust your gut, trust your cultural instincts, do what you want. For me, having my DC go to sleepovers and hosting sleepovers at our home are a sweet ritual of childhood. If they represent something negative, scary or upsetting to you, opt out. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Just read through the thread. This doesn't really have to be an argument about "helicopter parents" or weird predictions about social ostracism because (gasp!) people didn't go on sleepovers. The original question was asking about letting someone go on a sleepover where she didn't know the parents well. To me, that is the crux of the issue. there is a middle ground: I happily let my children go on sleepovers where I know the family well, but not where I don't. Far from being overprotective, I simply consider that basic responsible parenting.

OP here. Yes, this was the issue for me, that I hardly know the family who has invited DS for sleepover. DS had attended sleepovers, but I have had a sense of what those families were like. I am deciding that I can't politely vett this family enough to feel comfortable, so DS will attend party but not stay over (with excuse made as to why). When I drop DS off, I'll confirm there isn't a meth lab in the living room (joking, of course. I have no reason to think these parents are inappropriate, I just don't know enough to feel Ok with it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can teach your child that she has to be afraid of the world, afraid of others, afraid to leave home or you can teach her, in incremental amounts, that she has the inner resources to become her own person, strong and most of all in control. Of course we can all come up with examples of kids who never went on sleepovers and grew up to be just fine. But there are plenty of opposing examples as well, the kids who go to college and turn right around and come home, the kids with anxiety about leaving home, the kids who are so anxious on high school trips that are overnight that they cry the whole time while their classmates look at them like they are babies. (These are all examples from real kids that I know). And when the girls get together Monday morning with all their private jokes from the slumber party Saturday night, where will your DD be? She'll be the one on the outs who missed all the fun. And you wont know how that makes her feel but trust me, it sucks.

Then there was the classmate of my DD's (who is an older team) who was never allowed to go on sleepovers and developed an entire life that her parents were unaware of because they were so out of touch with what kids were really doing. She became sexually active and involved with drugs with older kids when none of her friends -- the ones whose parents were so permissive they let them go to sleepovers -- were doing anything like that.

Kids need to separate slowly. Thats the beauty of the overnight. It allows a child to go to another home, feel the strength of that independence, and then return to her own home the next day. I'll never forget how empowered both my kids felt after their first overnight.

And I'm not buying the cultural defense simply because my DD's AA and Latino friends participate in just as many overnights as everyone else. That may be your perception, but I don't think it is the norm.

How extreme! If my DD doesn't go on sleepoveer she will turn to drugs? cry on HS trips? Turn around and come back from college? Give me a break. I didn't go on overnights to my classmates homesas a 10 year old but had no problem leaving home to go to college, travelling the world, relocating to DC, and no, I never cried on HS trips. Are you AA or Latino? No. So I am not buying your assertion that the handful that you do know means that it is not the norm.