do you let 10yo go to sleepovers?

[Anonymous]

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but if there is a pedophile in the family he's not going to molest the kid who came over for a sleepover. Thats not a child he can control.

You really should stop being overprotective here because there is a cost to it -- you will pass your anxiety on to your child.

[Anonymous]

You could just hover overhead all night in your helicopter.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that horrible story in Falls Church last year where the former mayor's husband (and pillar of FC society in his own right) was convicted of molesting two girls that were at his house for a sleepover. That story haunts me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that horrible story in Falls Church last year where the former mayor's husband (and pillar of FC society in his own right) was convicted of molesting two girls that were at his house for a sleepover. That story haunts me.

Do terrible stories of drunk drivers and fatal car accidents prevent you from driving your children anywhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could just hover overhead all night in your helicopter.

[Anonymous]

Yes. In addition to other's advice, make sure he knows your phone number and have a signal if he wants to come home early. You can't necessarily prevent bad things from happening but you can give tools to handle a bad situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ask, other than the kids my child's age, what other people are there. Uncle sleeping on the couch, older stepbrother there for the weekend, or even just an older male sibling would be a no go for me.

Really? An older sibling? You need to keep your child safe, but this is over the top.

[Anonymous]

I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

It's fun. Not much else to understand.

[Anonymous]

This post is especially interesting to me because literally today I finished a book on how to improve risk-assessment and make better decisions (the book is written by an FBI profiler), and the issue of sleepovers is one of the examples given in the book! It particularly highlights the issue of letting your child sleep over at someone's house whom you don't know well. I'm going to quote extensively from that section:

"In my experience I saw more people willing to let their children go with others they don't know well than to lend their cars to a good friend. If you are a parent and you are being honest with yourself, you can probably think of times when you've allowed your child to sleep over at another child's house without a second thought...You did so because your instincts told you these people were safe, and they probably caused you to think so for these reasons:

--You assume that dangerous people don't have spouses and children, and they either live alone or in someone else's neighborhood
--You assume that no parent could ever hurt a child. You think all parents possess an instinctual empathy that causes them to want to protect any child.
--You assume that people who look normal are normal...
--Your children attend the same school...

Yet all of these reasons are false...Even if they're not pedophiles or murderers, there are many questions that haven't been considered:
--Are there loaded guns in the house, and if so, is it possible for the children to access them?
--Do they own porn or violent videos that you don't want your child to see?
--Does either parent drink excessively or do drugs, including abusing over-the-counter drugs?
--Is either parent verbally or physically abusive?
--Do any members of the family have anger-management issues?
--Does anyone in the family engage in sexually inappropriate behaviors?
--Are there animals in the house? If so, are they child-friendly?
--Are hazardous substances kept out of reach and safely stored?
--Is either parent careless about smoking, cooking, baking, space heaters, and likely to accidentally start a fire?
--Do they lock their doors at night?
--Are there other children in the home? If so, what is their disposition? Are any of them likely ot bully, abuse or threaten your child?
--Who else comes into the home? Who else has access to the children?
--Does either parent have criminal records and if so, for what?

Are you thinking "Who could ask such questions? They would think I'm a paranoid freak...! You have a point...these are not questions that you can ask standing on the front porch...I would counsel to say that it isn't a good night for a sleepover...this is a stalling tactic, designed to provide more time to gather information."

The author doesn't say never to allow a sleepover, but she does think most parents are too cavalier about it and don't properly assess the risks/gather information for a variety of reasons (including inertia, laziness, fear of being impolite, feeling lulled into safety because everyone else allows it, fear of being thought of as a paranoid freak, etc.)

Anyway, just some food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

You are not a laid back parent. And you are depriving your child of something that is not only a lot of fun, and not only typical for children (making him a freak, or at least a kid who is pitied because his parents won't let him sleep over -- trust me, the other kids do talk about those kids), you are depriving him of the important developmental tool of learning to leave home for the night, while also sending the signal that he should be afraid of the world.

The child who sleeps in his own bed ever single night will have a tough time going to college, thats for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

You are not a laid back parent. And you are depriving your child of something that is not only a lot of fun, and not only typical for children (making him a freak, or at least a kid who is pitied because his parents won't let him sleep over -- trust me, the other kids do talk about those kids), you are depriving him of the important developmental tool of learning to leave home for the night, while also sending the signal that he should be afraid of the world.

The child who sleeps in his own bed ever single night will have a tough time going to college, thats for sure.

No, sorry, not even a little bit true. My BFF as a child and teen was never allowed to do sleepovers. She was very independent and mature and went away to college and lived on her own just fine. She had plenty of friends also as a child. By the time we were 12, all our friends knew she couldn't sleep over so it was no issue. She still went to parties, she just left later in the evening. It's a rule the parents have and stick too all the time then kids just accept it and it's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean to sound insensitive, but if there is a pedophile in the family he's not going to molest the kid who came over for a sleepover. Thats not a child he can control.

You really should stop being overprotective here because there is a cost to it -- you will pass your anxiety on to your child.

Polly Klass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

You are not a laid back parent. And you are depriving your child of something that is not only a lot of fun, and not only typical for children (making him a freak, or at least a kid who is pitied because his parents won't let him sleep over -- trust me, the other kids do talk about those kids), you are depriving him of the important developmental tool of learning to leave home for the night, while also sending the signal that he should be afraid of the world.

The child who sleeps in his own bed ever single night will have a tough time going to college, thats for sure.

You're really wrong about this. There is a cultural taboo against sleep overs among some people--believe me, their kids are fine when they go away to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

You are not a laid back parent. And you are depriving your child of something that is not only a lot of fun, and not only typical for children (making him a freak, or at least a kid who is pitied because his parents won't let him sleep over -- trust me, the other kids do talk about those kids), you are depriving him of the important developmental tool of learning to leave home for the night, while also sending the signal that he should be afraid of the world.

The child who sleeps in his own bed ever single night will have a tough time going to college, thats for sure.

No, sorry, not even a little bit true. My BFF as a child and teen was never allowed to do sleepovers. She was very independent and mature and went away to college and lived on her own just fine. She had plenty of friends also as a child. By the time we were 12, all our friends knew she couldn't sleep over so it was no issue. She still went to parties, she just left later in the evening. It's a rule the parents have and stick too all the time then kids just accept it and it's not a big deal.

Agreed. I won't be apologizing for not letting my kid do sleepovers. And as for doing it because otherwise the other kids will talk about her? That gets a big "so what?" from me. People will talk about you no matter what so it is best to do what is best for you. I was not allowed sleepovers as a child and I went away to college just fine and I never needed to return to my parents house because I couldn't live on my own. The idea that it is "typical" is based on your expereince and it was not "typical" when I was growing up. Being so cavelier about the world is a trap for the unwary. While you don't want to send a message to kids that the world is all danger, you also don't want your child to believe that everyone should be trusted.